It's been a while, Birthday Time

Well, I think it's been way to long, since I've written.  I'm sorry.  I think it's only because I was putting off the inevitable...  Mackenzie's birthday post.

Her birthday was May 21, the Tuesday after the long weekend.  Seeing that Jeff would be working that day, we decided to celebrate a day early.  Anna got the honor of deciding what she thought Mackenzie would like to do for her birthday.

We started by taking Mackenzie her white rose. 

 

We didn't stay long, as the mosquitoes were out of control.  But it didn't take much, and I felt the first of many warm tears run down my face.  As I buckled myself back in the car, my tears were met my sobs.  Jeff reached out and gently took my hand.  I cried as we drove back down the highway towards our home.  I really just wanted to ask him to turn back down out lane, so I could hide in bed for the rest of the day...  We drove on.

 

 

Anna knew that Mackenzie wanted to go swimming.  So we went to Vegreville to check out their pool.  We had a nice lunch first.  We spent the next few hours at the pool.  Anna just loves the water.  It's all worth getting your maternity bathing suit on, just to see the huge smile on her face.

 

After swimming we decided to go for ice cream!!  YUMMY!!  Then a quick trip to Walmart and back home.

 

The weather was ok... it was rainy, but the sun was out too... much like the day Mackenzie was born.

 

Well, that's enough tears for me today.  I will write more soon and tell you about our Mommy and Anna day we had on Mackenzie's actual birthday.

 



Death on the Inside

I talk about my "Awesome Mama's Group" often, so I won't explain to you again, who they are.  As a group, we suffered a major loss last week.  We had a death from inside our close knit group.  It is so hard to believe.  She was my age, celebrated her 30th birthday just a month before me.  Melissa fought a very brave battle with Cancer.  She is truly inspirational.  She chose not to go into great detail with us about her treatment, cause she just wanted to be a mom when she was with us (on line).  I feel like we were her "normal", cancer free zone.  Melissa's battle started lass May with treatment after her diagnosis. 

We have all been sharing our feelings about her passing.  Here are the thoughts I shared with my mama's last night, I thought my feelings would make a good blog entry:

I've been thinking about Melissa a lot too. But I think more about her as in where she is now.  I picture her smiling down on her lil ones. I picture her laughing, and skipping in green fields of flowers, rays of sunshine catching her hair. Her cheeks rosy with the glow of perfect health. I picture her nuzzling Mackenzie close, i can almost imagine the scent of a freshly bathed baby, wrapped in a white towel, all snuggled up in her arms. 

Sometimes I feel like my experience has almost desensitised me from death. Or maybe I've come to understand not what I/we on earth have lost, but what that individual has gained. Some could say I have romanticised death through my visions of heaven...

For me it's the way my brain has learnt to function through the emotional, pretty much physical pain, of loosing a child.

Don't get me wrong, I hurt for Will (Melissa's husband) and their young ones, but I also believe that Melissa is with us all. It still breaks my heart to know how many experiences the kids won't physically have their mom here for,  just as it breaks my heart knowing how much Mackenzie is not with our family for so many momentous occasions.  At the same time, my belief in heaven helps the pain subside, knowing that both Melissa and Mackenzie our with their families everyday. It's just harder to see them. 

 

Because the sun shines when she smiles

I fall more and more in love with our Anna every day!  I can`t even explain how blessed I feel to be her mommy.  She recently celebrated her 4th birthday and I just had her pictures done.  I can`t help but share the results cause she`s just to darn cute.

20 weeks

I have probably been the worse blogger in the history of blogs!  I guess life is just busy!

I have reached the half way mark of my pregnancy!  It is hard to believe! I had an ultrasound last week.  The technician was very friendly and told me she would tell me the sex of the baby.  I brought Jeff's mom and Anna in after the initial exam and I focused on Anna's face.  Anna has been very adamant that there would be no brother baby in our home.  LOL!  This was a bit of an issue seeing that the tech at an early scan had told me she was 98% sure baby was a boy.

So, I fixed my gaze on the beautiful face of my 4 year old daughter.  I wanted to see her reaction when the tech confirmed her worst fear...  SURPRISE!!  She says, "Baby is definitely a girl!" 

"See mommy!  A girl baby!"

I was a little shocked to say the least.  In the end I figure i win either way.  I just happy with a healthy baby. 

I see having our third girl as a second chance for all of us.  Anna's chance at having that little sister to grow up with.  A second chance to experience what we lost...

Jeff  was a little shocked... at supper last night he came to the conclusion that the physic I saw last fall was right.  I questioned him on what he meant.  He reminded me about how the lady told me that Mackenzie would come back to us in a way.  I forgot that she had told me that.

I imagine that this little one in my belly will look a bit like Mackenzie.  In some ways it is really hard not to think "replacement".  This new life can never replace the child we gave up to heaven.  However, she will help to fill the ache in our hearts. 

The ache in my heart grows with my pregnancy...  I can see feel the difference between these two pregnancies now.  As this little miracle grows and becomes more active, I realise how much Mackenzie didn't move in my womb.  I never noticed...  I just took it for granted that all pregnancies are different.  I just chalked it up to not all pregnancies being the same.

I am already wondering what the labour of this child's birth will be like.  How will my reaction of seeing my little miracle for the first time be different from when I first laid eyes on Anna? or on Mackenzie?

Will all those feelings of despair return?  Will i relive those feelings of anguish?  I am sure that emotions will run high no matter what.  I pray that I can push the experience of my last delivery aside, in order to take in the joy and miracle of a new life.

quick update

Sorry, If you still check on my blog, please forgive me. 

Well, I've got the usual pregnancy symptoms: sooo tired, varicose veins, growing belly, short on patience, sore back... 

Don't get me wrong, I'll take it all in order to hold a wee one in my arms come August.

About 2.5 weeks ago I had a little scare.  I had gone into Edmonton for the afternoon and shopped for about 3 hrs.  I then met some great friends for supper at Moxie;s (super yum!).  Oh we had such a great time!!!  Leanne, I met for the first time, what a wonderful woman.  Very inspiring, and down to earth.  I really felt like we "clicked" if you know what I mean.  She also brought her youngest and oldest daughters with her.   Shelley, I have had the pleasure of meeting with numerous times.  We even did the Resolution Run on January 1 together.  She's a wonderful, talented, and knock you socks off, woman.  We visited and ate for about 3 hrs!  Time just seemed to fly by.

When we finally parted company, I headed to fuel up and use the restroom and grab a coffee at Tim's.  (This is the part you male readers, if there are any, may find TMI!)  I used the washroom and noticed some bleeding.  Believe me, that's the last thing you want to see at 13 wks 2 days.  I've never experienced this in either of my two previous pregnancies.  It was more then just some "spotting".  I texted Shelley and she advised me to go to an E.R.

I wasn't far from the Grey Nun's, but didn't want to go there and be alone for hours... on top of the fact that is where Mackenzie was born.  I called my hospital in Viking.  They told me to stop in on my way home.  I arrived in town around 12 a.m.  I had to use the washroom so bad so i stopped at the gas station.  Still more bleeding and some clotting...  really not good.

I went over to the hospital where the staff was very accommodating.  They took my history, which I'm sure is always a shocker, even though through small town news I'm sure they heard, but may not have known who I was.  They called the doctor in ASAP.  She was in by 1 a.m.  She did a quick ultrasound with their little machine.  She found baby's heart beat right away,  a sigh of relief went through all of us (there were also two nurses with me).  She said baby looked fine, but I'd have to go for a more in depth scan in the next day or two.  She wrote me off work until we knew more and told me I couldn't drive. 

My wonderful inlaws came and picked me up.  Jeff knew I was getting checked out but seeing that he had to work at the crack of dawn, I let him sleep. 

My very very wonderful bestie, Keltie, took me to Sherwood Park for my indepth ultrasound two days later.  The tech went through my history and started the exam.  She let me know right away that she found a good, strong heartbeat.  I was in the room for a good 40 minutes and then she let Keltie and Anna come in.  Anna's face was priceless and she watched the screen.  She was very excited!  I'm sure Keltie was thinking exactly what I was thinking all day...  I couldn't believe that she was once again taking me for an ultrasound, praying that the results would be way better this time around.

Of course I couldn't resist asking the tech if she knew the sex of the baby, even though I knew it was pretty early.  She said she had an idea but wasn't 100% sure... but she was 98% sure.  LOL

Anyway, we are still doing good, just on the verge of 16 weeks.  I'm trying to take it easy.  My lower back aches when I do to much, so I'm following the signs my body is giving me.  Last time i just struggled through... 

I was going to post you some pictures of our "Baby Bumblebee", (Anna's name of choice), but they don't want to upload, so I'll try again another night.

Good night!

No News is Good News:)

Well, I've been on blogcation!  Mostly cause I have been going to bed REALLY early the last month or so.  So without my usual banter,I am tired and need to get to bed, so I spare you...

Unexpected Results

If you're still waiting, I apologize.  I know you may be wanting to know how that ultrasound went.  Here's the short version:

I got there early, you know the half hour.  I go to the desk to "check in" and the receptionist informs me my appoint was at 12:30 not 2:30...  nice I was told the wrong time by my clinic...  I explained and told her I had driven 170 kms.  I was asked to wait, and they'd try and get me in.

As I was waiting, I noticed that the same lady who did Mackenzie's last ultrasound was there... but what were the chances?  I tried to shrug it off.  I waited until 3:15 and I got in.  Through God's grace somebody called in and said they'd be late.  Well the person was already late cause they weren't there early :)  So I got his/her spot.

Someone called my name, I look up... and yep, it's her.  She doesn't remember me, she's has done 1,000's of exams since that fateful one of mine...  she had me lay down on that same table, same room as I stared at the same picture on the wall... It was awful.  I held back what I call, "The Oprah ugly cry", but tears streamed down my cheeks. 

The tech did have me roll around and she did some scans on my sides, kinda on my back... I wasn't sure why.  Again, like my last visit, things were nervy, not much small talk all business. She told me that she hoped to see me again under a different circumstance.  Sigh...

I went in to my doctor's office a week later for my results.  When he walked in the room he greeted me with a hello and asked how things were.  Then he told me, "Well, we went in for one thing and we ended up finding something else".  What???  He told me that my ovaries, tubes, uterus, everything was right spot on.  Picture perfect.  He even sounded surprised when he told me there were follicles.  But, "She found a cyst on one of your kidneys..."  I really didn't want to talk kidneys, I was more focused on my next steps with the infertility.

Since he is stumped, I will be referred to a gynaecologist at the Grey Nuns in Edmonton (where I had Mackenzie).  Most likely it will take 3 months to even here back about the booking.  But another doctor mine consulted with suggested this because fertility clinics give priority to patients referred to by a gyno over a G.P.

A few days later there was a message on our home phone, my doctor again.  He had consulted yet another colleague, who suggest I also have an MRI?!  Don't worry I'm confused to.  Sounds like they just want to rule out that it could be my "wiring" lol.

As for the cyst, he explained that it's probably nothing and may go away on it's own.  I didn't ask a lot of questions, I was really more concentrated on the first issue at hand.  I was told that I'd have to do some more ultrasounds for a while just to watch the cyst and make sure it's not growing or changing.  I just heard from the clinic today, the next appointment is January 11, 2013.

There you are, you may have given up on me, and quit checking in... I apologize.  It took a while for all that to sink into my head.

In the mean time, I may try going to a natural path in Edmonton that specialized in fertility.  I haven't decided yet.  For now we will just enjoy the holidays (or try too).