Dear Mackenzie

Dear Mackenzie,

Hi baby girl.  I don't know what to say in this letter or where it's going.  Mommy misses you sweetheart.  You would have been ten months old today.  Today is also Uncle Joey's birthday and a whole handful of cousins' birthdays too. 

I see baby's your age and I wonder what you would have been like if you were down here with us.  Anna had started to try to walk at 10 months, what about Mackenzie?  Would you be a giggly, happy little girl, or a little more tempered like your big sister?  I know you would look like your daddy.  People always comment to me how much big sister Anna looks like mommy.  I don't like that.  It makes me think of how much you looked like daddy when you were born, but people never see that.  I wish they could.  I want them to know you were fair like him and so pretty.

Truth is baby, that mommy is crying.  I knew today was the 21st of the month, but I have been so caught up in uncle Joey's snowmobile race that I forgot to whisper Happy 10 Months to you.  But don't you worry, Grandma remembered and is praying that you're with uncle Joey and cousin Robert, watching over them and keeping them safe.

A close friend of ours had a sweet little baby girl yesterday.  Mackenzie, I think you two little girls would have been good friends.  I am so happy for her family.  It also makes me feel sad.  Sad for what I lost...  Yet, I am over the moon happy for my close friends and family when they bring a little one into this world safe and sound.

Mackenzie, Mommy painted your and Anna's, well... Anna's room, pink.  I wasn't going to.  I was going to paint it a neutral color... "just in case".  But no!  Anna is the baby I get to hold each day, that I have in my arms everyday.  Maybe she will be the only baby I ever have here on earth.  Why live for the "what ifs" of the future?  Anna's room is a soft pink.  I called Grandma when I was all done, and told her it is so beautiful.  Like fairies or angels live there.  I hope there is an angel that visits there every so often.

Mommy's been having some hard days again.  I would have bet any one that I would be pregnant by this time, 10 months after your birth to heaven.  I guess it's hard for me not knowing what the future holds.  I guess, like your one aunty told me,  "Be still."  I need to slow my mind down and be still, let my heart be open to what God has for me.  I need to trust in Him to guide me in the right direction.  I don't have control.  God has a plan for me... Just be still.

Well my girl, I hope you're having so much fun up there in Heaven.  I bet that Jacob, Brennan and Thomas are chasing you!  And maybe your cousin Dustin is watching or trying to protect you!  I hope you've found the other babies we know, who God called to heaven, sooner then their parents wanted...  I hope you are all together. 

I wonder what it's like?

Hugs and Kisses,
Mommy