I'm frustrated... mostly with my body. We seem to hit every wall possible when it comes to adding to our family. Should I be surprised? I guess not. Should I be worried? I guess not. It's all out of my control. I hate not knowing what's going on, cause I'm a bit of a control freak... but God knows, He has a plan, He is in control. I was reminded of that yesterday by someone close to me... and then I realised that I haven't been trusting Him lately.
It's hard for me to "throw caution to the wind", and just let go of everything. I really struggle with that. I'm trying to just let life happen... cause in the end it doesn't matter what I want, cause I don't have control.
Well, that's not what I set out to tell you about, well I guess in a way. But what I was going to say is, I'm painting Anna's room. "Yah, big deal!" you say. To me it is. It's been a nice green shade that I developed on my own when i was working in a hardware store mixing paint. I was fooling around with a mistint and got a beautiful, one of a kind shade of green. So, I used it in our then "spare room", knowing it would be a great color for a baby's room one day. I was thinking of repainting it over a year ago, but figured i would wait til "the new baby" baby came. There's where that "I have no control" thing comes in again. I would have repainted for Anna and Mackenzie a girly color. Had we had a boy to bring home i would have repainted in a neutral color.
I've been back to that hardware store, where i used to work, about 100 times trying to find the perfect color. I was going neutral cause "what if we have another baby someday... and it's a boy." I told Kim today that I really wanted pink, she said "Go for it!" I figured, why not??? maybe I can just jinx myself into getting pregnant by painting her room... LOL!
So we're going to use a shade of pink called, Ballerina. It's very soft. I hope Anna loves it. I'm glad Kim urged me to go pink. Anna is the child God gave me here on earth, and she should get a girly room, cause i don't have control over the future, and therefore have no idea if/when we may need to spend another $30 on a can of neutral paint.
So yes, I saw Kim today! I took over all of Anna's 9-18 months clothes. Kim put little Ally in a little outfit I bought over. She looked so darn cute, Ally brought tears to my eyes. I couldn't help but hold her tight against my heart and cuddle her. Looking at Ally, I feel like I'm seeing just a tiny piece of my angel. Kim asked me later, if it was a hard day, seeing Ally in Anna' clothes,,, that I could have put Mackenzie in. It was, but it wasn't. I don't know how to explain that. I told Kim, I see Ally and think of our angel in heaven, but Ally is our little angel here, on earth. I feel like I see just a little sparkle in Ally's eyes that glimmers just for me, a little piece of her guardian angel, Mackenzie.
These have been hard days again. I can't really pinpoint everything, but I think the unknown circumstances within my own body, are the bricks that seem to be falling off the wall. I feel like that wall was getting stronger and stronger, but with one small blow after another, the wall is faltering again.
Lord, you are my shepherd. I shall not want.
You make me to lie down in green pastures.
You lead me beside the still waters.
Psalm 23:1-2
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