Shades of pink...

I've been thinking of you...  my loyal readers.  I've "out" for a bit.  I have had some computer problems, and life just hasn't given the chance to compose my thoughts enough to write.

I'm frustrated... mostly with my body.  We seem to hit every wall possible when it comes to adding to our family.  Should I be surprised?  I guess not.  Should I be worried?  I guess not.  It's all out of my control.  I hate not knowing what's going on, cause I'm a bit of a control freak...  but God knows, He has a plan, He is in control.  I was reminded of that yesterday by someone close to me... and then I realised that I haven't been trusting Him lately.

It's hard for me to "throw caution to the wind", and just let go of everything.  I really struggle with that.  I'm trying to just let life happen... cause in the end it doesn't matter what I want, cause I don't have control.

Well, that's not what I set out to tell you about, well I guess in a way.  But what I was going to say is, I'm painting Anna's room.  "Yah, big deal!"  you say.  To me it is.  It's been a nice green shade that I developed on my own when i was working in a hardware store mixing paint.  I was fooling around with a mistint and got a beautiful, one of a kind shade of green.  So, I used it in our then "spare room", knowing it would be a great color for a baby's room one day.  I was thinking of repainting it over a year ago, but figured i would wait til "the new baby" baby came.  There's where that "I have no control" thing comes in again.  I would have repainted for Anna and Mackenzie a girly color.  Had we had a boy to bring home i would have repainted in a neutral color. 

I've been back to that hardware store, where i used to work, about 100 times trying to find the perfect color.  I was going neutral cause "what if we have another baby someday... and it's a boy."  I told Kim today that I really wanted pink, she said "Go for it!"  I figured, why not???  maybe I can just jinx myself into getting pregnant by painting her room...  LOL!

So we're going to use a shade of pink called, Ballerina.  It's very soft.  I hope Anna loves it.  I'm glad Kim urged me to go pink.  Anna is the child God gave me here on earth, and she should get a girly room, cause i don't have control over the future, and therefore have no idea if/when we may need to spend another $30 on a can of neutral paint.

So yes, I saw Kim today!  I took over all of Anna's 9-18 months clothes.  Kim put little Ally in a little outfit I bought over.  She looked so darn cute, Ally brought tears to my eyes.  I couldn't help but hold her tight against my heart and cuddle her.  Looking at Ally, I feel like I'm seeing just a tiny piece of my angel.  Kim asked me later, if it was a hard day, seeing Ally in Anna' clothes,,, that I could have put Mackenzie in.   It was, but it wasn't.  I don't know how to explain that.  I told Kim, I see Ally and think of our angel in heaven, but Ally is our little angel here, on earth.  I feel like I see just a little sparkle in Ally's eyes that glimmers just for me, a little piece of her guardian angel, Mackenzie.

These have been hard days again.  I can't really pinpoint everything, but I think the unknown circumstances within my own body, are the bricks that seem to be falling off the wall.  I feel like that wall was getting stronger and stronger, but with one small blow after another, the wall is faltering again. 

Lord, you are my shepherd.  I shall not want.

You make me to lie down in green pastures.

You lead me beside the still waters.

Psalm 23:1-2

Wordless Wednesday - Skiing!

Kimmy, Anna and I

cousins - Anna, Nathan and Dylan

Anna giving baby Ally loves

Precious baby Ally!

Thank you to our wonderful neighbor, Laurie, for taking the really nice pictures (the first 6). 

Great job Laurie!

Grief Stage # 5 - ANGER

Anger  (this is #5, but since I just got here today, I figured I'd skip ahead)
I was told that I would go through this stage.  Actually, this is one of the first ones I was warned about.  People would comment:

"You may be angry with friends who are pregnant."
"You may be angry at the doctors for not catching things sooner."
"You may be angry when you here of others who are announcing their pregnancies."
"You may be angry when you see other women with newborns."
"You may even be angry with God."
"You may be angry at yourself..."

The book the counsellor gave me on grief, that explains these stages, suggests that I may be angry with Mackenzie died and left me alone...  well I don't feel that way, I'm not alone.  O that she caused me such horrible pain.  I don't feel that way either.  What ever happened to our angel was not her fault.

Anger is reasonable.  We are encouraged to find it, recognise it, acknowledge it, and express the anger.  It's OK to be angry, and I'm reading that I'm not supposed to feel guilty about it, which i do.  I'm trying not to let it consume me...  As the book says, I will live with it for a while, and then I'll let it go... when I'm ready. 

Thank you to a couple good friends who've really listened to my anger.  Even though I'm making excuses for it at the same time, your listening helps me express that anger.

I can't really get into the reason for my anger here, on my blog.  But let's just say, I'm angry at myself for being naive.  In what way?  a few... like taking for granted that a baby was going to arrive after 40 weeks, all healthy, and crying.  And well, there's more to it then just that...

*   *   *

On a happy note...

• today i spent the afternoon with Kimmy.  I picked up lunch and we ate at her place then went to the indoor play centre.
• I got to gab it up with a bunch of other fun mommies!  always a good time!
• I stopped at the small town thrift store "The Good as New" and found some treasures!  A .50 cent pair of Oakley sunglasses for Anna AND a $1 high chair thingy that has clamps on it so you can clamp it on a table!!!  And it's a Phil and Ted's!!  (that's a very good quality and pricey brand name of baby gear)  And this thingy matches our Phil and Ted's stroller!  so happy about that!  I love a great deal!!  As I would say to my mother in law "It's like FREE!!!!"
• I got to clean the house a bit this evening!  (believe me, this is something to be happy about!)
• Anna fell asleep on the way home, as I was coming up to the church I thought I would like to stop and pay a visit to Mackenzie.  It was nice.  It was quiet, except for the odd vehicle on the highway.  I always wonder if people who pass by when I'm there wonder why I'm here, who I'm "visiting"... 
• I choked back the tears as I sang Mackenzie's funeral song... "Away in a Manger"
• I got an email from one of my mommies that is coming out my way later this winter.  A group of us are going to meet up!!!  I'm so excited!!!  Two of the ladies I've met before, but one I haven't!!  This is a HUGE deal to me!  think of how you felt about Santa Claus when you were 4...  YAH!  that BIG!!

As I left that beautiful spot this afternoon I thought to myself how this often doesn't feel real to me.  How I feel like thishas happened to someone else.  Someone commented to me last week that she thought that this only happens to "bad" people.  You know the women who do drugs, smoke, eat terrible, our not taking care of themselves, drink, don't take their vitamins, don't go to the doctor... you know, those people, not ordinary people like me.  Sometimes I feel like I'm still watching a very sad movie.  You know those movies that you sniffle at, and hold back those tears?  And then, I go to her spot, Mackenzie's earthly resting place, and I see HER name printed on that memorial... Mackenzie Mary Erikssen... our baby's name.  I really try not to think about the little white casket, that lays under the ground, I strain to shut out the images in my mind...

Thankful Thursday - Mackenzie's Song

"If I Die Young"

I am so thankful for this song.  I have talked about it before I'm sure... I had heard it many times prior to Mackenzie's birth, a really catchy tune, but never had I payed attention to the lyrics.  This is the song that came on the radio after I left the hospital where Kim's baby girl, Ally, was born.  That was such a joyful, sad day for me.  The birth of a cousin, exactly 2 months after the still birth of my little angel.  I cried that day in a way that I have never cried before.  It was a different weeping then I did at Mackenzie's funeral.  Different from the tears I shed when I first heard that radiologist say, "I'm sorry to have to tell you...".  A different breakdown then what I had in "Once Upon a Child" when I picked out Mackenzie's one and only dress.

When I went to see Kim in the hospital, I knew I walking into a room where there was a very new and preciously loved and wanted little girl.  Kim and I shared every detail of our girls' lives prior to their births.  Our tummies were growing together...  I knew walking into this room would change my life in a way.  I can remember when I found the room with the right number on the door.  Do I turn around and run?  Do I go in?  What do I say?  How do I hold her baby?  Can I handle this?  I need to do this... Lord, hold me...  I knocked on the door, and a sweet voice answered, "Come on in!" 

I walked in, looked at Kim holding her infant daughter, who she fought so hard for.  She was beaming!  She radiated joy.  Kim was the complete opposite of what I was 2 months earlier...

I just burst into tears... sitting down beside her, I looked into the face of a miracle.  Kim and I sat, and we both wept.  I think we both wept for the same reasons.  The loss of my Mackenzie, the joy for her Ally, what would have bin a kinship between 2 cousins, the loss of the memories we were going to make with our babies.  Kim cried for me, and I cried for her.  I held baby Ally... Kim told me that day that she really felt that Mackenzie was Ally's angel, watching out for her.  Ally was born early, and Kim later found out, just how lucky they were...  but she really believes that Mackenzie was there protecting her cousin.

I left that hospital in tears.  I can't even explain those emotions, they're big.  They are inconceivable.  They are your worst nightmare.  They haunt you, stalk you in the silence of the day, beat you down into the depth of despair.  Those emotions are like the flood that God sent on the world to drown out all the evil and pain created.  In the end, those emotions saved me.  Those emotions kept me aware.  Aware that I was still alive, aware that I was still breathing.  You wouldn't feel that pain if the breathe was sucked out of you.

Today, I feel like Noah.  Noah sent the dove from the ark to see if there was dry land.  The dove came back with a branch in it's mouth.  Today I imagine that this is how Noah felt when he saw that dove come back with the green branch of life.  I can see the promise God sent the world, promising to never flood the world again.  I can see that rainbow.  I feel that HOPE.

Wow, have I gotten off track... funny how that works.  The song that I am so thankful for is "If I Die Young" by the Band Perry.  When I heard it as I drove away from that hospital I really heard the words for the first time, and I cried even more intensely, cause this is what I heard...

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh, uh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh well
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger,
I've never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holdin' my hand,
There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well,
I've had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (oh, uh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save 'em for a time when you're really gonna need 'em, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls

• So many things about this song reflect Mackenzie in my eyes.  She was "buried in satin", the bouquet on her casket was filled with "roses", we sent her away with the words of "Jesus Loves Me".

• "Lord make me a rainbow..." that whole verse, need I say more?

• Mackenzie did have "just enough time" to change our lives forever, to teach us... what we needed to know, about ourselves, love, and most of all faith in God.

• And maybe Mackenzie's "thoughts" are coming out here...  cause now I'm "really listening".

• She was "wearing white" and we have faith that she went to into "His Kingdom".  The reference to green and a ring... well Jeff bought me an emerald and diamond ring in Mackenzie's memory a week after she was born.

• Her daddy did "put on his best", she wasn't wearing "pearls" but her grandparents did lay her to rest with a beautiful necklace.

• I guess you could say we try to "save our tears".  And we really did use them when Jeff's cousin was tragically killed.

This song will always have such special meaning to me.  I haven't heard it in a while, have you?  Tell me what you thought of it.



A Kimmy Day

Well, Kim and I FINALLY got together today.  We see each other often, but every time we tried to get together here at my house it fell through.  We met at the church so she could see Mackenzie's memorial headstone.  She even brought a little something for her.  That was way to sweet of her.  That's why we love our Kimmy.

Nathan and Anna ran around the cemetery, it was nice to hear some giggles in an otherwise emotional place to be.  My apologies to the souls there, but I hope you were smiling down on them! 

Kim also brought us a beautiful Angel ornament.

We had lunch and visited.  I showed Kim Mackenzie's hand and foot molds and prints and her beautiful keeps sakes from my wonderful mommies.  It was nice.  Ally cooed on the bed beside us.  In the summer, we're going to take Ally to the cemetery too.  Just to cold for her today.  I told Kim that it's hard to believe that Mackenzie would be just a little bit bigger then Ally if she were with us.  It's so nice to look at Ally and know that she has a special Angel watching over her. 

Here you can see the two acorns Anna brought her sister's angel.

Kim and Nathan