Why?

I had a whole post written in my head, and then things changed.  Life is hard sometimes, so unfair, so hard to understand.

This post is dedicated to a very wonderful April 2009 mommy.  We've never met in "real life" but have known each other for 2.5 years.  You know who you are...

I don't even know where I'm heading right now but, here it goes...

She just found out that her beautiful baby boy, growing inside her is unfortunately, not doing well.  She needs our prayers.  I get it, all those awful feelings going through her soul.  The questions, the waiting to hear an answer ...  The physical pain, almost to the point of being unbearable.  The pit in your stomach that makes you feel physically ill.  The numbness that starts the moment you hear those words... not being able to believe that this is your life, not a movie you're watching... this is my nightmare.

When it comes to my own grief, I am feeling that I am in a good place these days.  I am feeling stronger and healthier then I have in years.  Has God, helped me, lifted me, taught me, so I can pass it on?  as a friend has passed it on to me?  I guess I just have to have faith, hope, and love.  I need to pray that this special mommy finds strength in God the way I have.

If God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't he more surely care for you?  Matthew 6:30

As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you.  Isaiah 66:13

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love.  1 Corinthians 13:13 

The Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28

Dear friend,  I know you will read this at some point.  Please know, I have a heavy spot in my heart for you.  The spot right tucked in beside Mackenzie.  A place of warmth, filled with love, and the growing light of hope.

If you have a spare moment in your day, please send a prayer to heaven for her.  God will know who you are praying for...

Thankful Thursday - Mackenzie's Song

"If I Die Young"

I am so thankful for this song.  I have talked about it before I'm sure... I had heard it many times prior to Mackenzie's birth, a really catchy tune, but never had I payed attention to the lyrics.  This is the song that came on the radio after I left the hospital where Kim's baby girl, Ally, was born.  That was such a joyful, sad day for me.  The birth of a cousin, exactly 2 months after the still birth of my little angel.  I cried that day in a way that I have never cried before.  It was a different weeping then I did at Mackenzie's funeral.  Different from the tears I shed when I first heard that radiologist say, "I'm sorry to have to tell you...".  A different breakdown then what I had in "Once Upon a Child" when I picked out Mackenzie's one and only dress.

When I went to see Kim in the hospital, I knew I walking into a room where there was a very new and preciously loved and wanted little girl.  Kim and I shared every detail of our girls' lives prior to their births.  Our tummies were growing together...  I knew walking into this room would change my life in a way.  I can remember when I found the room with the right number on the door.  Do I turn around and run?  Do I go in?  What do I say?  How do I hold her baby?  Can I handle this?  I need to do this... Lord, hold me...  I knocked on the door, and a sweet voice answered, "Come on in!" 

I walked in, looked at Kim holding her infant daughter, who she fought so hard for.  She was beaming!  She radiated joy.  Kim was the complete opposite of what I was 2 months earlier...

I just burst into tears... sitting down beside her, I looked into the face of a miracle.  Kim and I sat, and we both wept.  I think we both wept for the same reasons.  The loss of my Mackenzie, the joy for her Ally, what would have bin a kinship between 2 cousins, the loss of the memories we were going to make with our babies.  Kim cried for me, and I cried for her.  I held baby Ally... Kim told me that day that she really felt that Mackenzie was Ally's angel, watching out for her.  Ally was born early, and Kim later found out, just how lucky they were...  but she really believes that Mackenzie was there protecting her cousin.

I left that hospital in tears.  I can't even explain those emotions, they're big.  They are inconceivable.  They are your worst nightmare.  They haunt you, stalk you in the silence of the day, beat you down into the depth of despair.  Those emotions are like the flood that God sent on the world to drown out all the evil and pain created.  In the end, those emotions saved me.  Those emotions kept me aware.  Aware that I was still alive, aware that I was still breathing.  You wouldn't feel that pain if the breathe was sucked out of you.

Today, I feel like Noah.  Noah sent the dove from the ark to see if there was dry land.  The dove came back with a branch in it's mouth.  Today I imagine that this is how Noah felt when he saw that dove come back with the green branch of life.  I can see the promise God sent the world, promising to never flood the world again.  I can see that rainbow.  I feel that HOPE.

Wow, have I gotten off track... funny how that works.  The song that I am so thankful for is "If I Die Young" by the Band Perry.  When I heard it as I drove away from that hospital I really heard the words for the first time, and I cried even more intensely, cause this is what I heard...

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh, uh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh well
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger,
I've never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holdin' my hand,
There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well,
I've had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (oh, uh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save 'em for a time when you're really gonna need 'em, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls

• So many things about this song reflect Mackenzie in my eyes.  She was "buried in satin", the bouquet on her casket was filled with "roses", we sent her away with the words of "Jesus Loves Me".

• "Lord make me a rainbow..." that whole verse, need I say more?

• Mackenzie did have "just enough time" to change our lives forever, to teach us... what we needed to know, about ourselves, love, and most of all faith in God.

• And maybe Mackenzie's "thoughts" are coming out here...  cause now I'm "really listening".

• She was "wearing white" and we have faith that she went to into "His Kingdom".  The reference to green and a ring... well Jeff bought me an emerald and diamond ring in Mackenzie's memory a week after she was born.

• Her daddy did "put on his best", she wasn't wearing "pearls" but her grandparents did lay her to rest with a beautiful necklace.

• I guess you could say we try to "save our tears".  And we really did use them when Jeff's cousin was tragically killed.

This song will always have such special meaning to me.  I haven't heard it in a while, have you?  Tell me what you thought of it.



Bring on the New Year and New Beginnings!

I have never been more excited to say "goodbye" to a year as I was last night.  I'm done with 2011.  A year full of emotion, love, loss, smiles and tears.  To me 2012 means a whole new beginning.  I have not taken any of that "bad stuff" with me into 2012.  I am not saying I have left those memories behind, but am going to only take the positive out of the hard times.

We lost Jeff's Grandma Mary last January.  From her I learnt that a little bit of tradition is fun and just having family around gives you strength.

Our precious little Mackenzie Mary was born in to the arms of God May 21, 2011.  From my little girl's short life, only lived inside my womb, I have learnt so much.  I've learnt about love, God, the power of prayer, the grace of the Holy Spirit, the comfort of Jesus, the love of family, friends and neighbors.  Mackenzie taught me so much about myself, my marriage, my husband, her sister Anna, how to really be a mom, and one of the hardest lessons - how to ask for help.

How is it that a life so timid and quiet could make such an impact?  Is it because I listen to her?  Because I've let her lead me to be the person I am meant to be?  I guess I won't know, until I meet her again.  Some people say we leave this earth when we have fulfilled out life's purpose... my little angel's purpose must have been to show us what is important in life.  I don't want to be remembered for the car I drive, the house I live in, or even the clothes I wear.  I don't care how much money we have or any of that stuff.  Mackenzie's precious life proved to me that none of that stuff would have changed anything.  Would God have decided to change the path of her life because we could bring her home to a castle?  I really doubt it. 

Mackenzie you saved me.  You saved me from myself in so many ways.  You made me and daddy stronger.  Stronger in our marriage, stronger in our faith, stronger as parents.  Thank you!

We had a third tragic loss in 2011.  Jeff's cousin, as close to a brother he'd ever have, was sent to God so unexpectedly.  Some would say this could have been our "breaking point", and believe me, many days it did feel that way.  What Jim really taught us was to "Always make good choices".  NEVER NEVER leave each other before reconciling over what ever we may have been disagreeing over.  Life is to short.  Jim and his beautiful wife have taught us to live life to the fullest, everyday is a gift.  LOVE LOVE LOVE!  Jim and his bride of over 20 years are so in love.  I can still see it in her eyes.

It was with this third tragic loss that we actually were able to talk about Mackenzie.  Not that we never did, but actually talk about her in a deeper way.  On the way home from Jim's memorial we talked about how we both pictured Jim, who loved kids, bouncing our little girl on his knee, her giggling with delight.

So, it is hard to believe that it's been a year.  It'll be a year this week, that I went for my ultra sound...  Much of the past year is a blur to me.  I know there is so much that is lost in the fog.  Maybe that's God's way of protecting me from the memories of some really dark times.  The events that I do recall more vividly are happy days.

I pray that 2012 is a year full of bright colours, beautiful memories and new beginnings.

Happy New Year everyone!

A Wonderful Christmas

Just a little note to say, we are having a wonder Christmas. 

Last night we went to church "back home" with mom and dad.  Anna was so cute.  The church where I grew up is HUGE!!!  I think the alter of my home town church is as big as our precious Trinity.  You may even be able to fit 6-8 Trinity's into this beautiful building.  Anyway, we always sit on a side aisle.  Anna loves the music at any church.  She always comes to me to lift her up as soon as the organist/pianist hits that first note.  She stands on the back of the bench in front of us and sways to the music and "sings" along.  Last night she'd even go into the side aisle and twirl and dance.  She was quiet, but I'm sure she still made her presence known.  Can't miss that angelic face and those pinchable dimples...

When Dad went up to do collection she was concerned that he was gone.  Before anyone could catch her she took off down the long aisle to the back of the church looking for him.  Pretty sure no one noticed... yah right.  Then she has to go to the bathroom... and when I'm washing my hands takes off in her usual trot (yes, just like a horse) to the bench.  My grade one teacher stopped as I tried to catch up to Anna to tell me how sweet she was.

After the service was over we went to the front to see the "baby Jesus" house.  There were candles all around, and since the local children had sang "Happy Birthday Jesus", she just had to blow out those candles.  But she kinda singed her hair...  She also fed the angel that I used to feed as a little girl.  This angel was purchased my Anna's great great grandfather, Henry, for the church many years ago.  The angel holds a little sachet that you can drop coins into.  As you drop the coins in, she nods her head in thanks.

Mackenzie was with us in church.  We often find her with us during special times.  How do we know?  Usually through small acts of God.  Like Anna catching the smallest rainbow made by the sun shinning through a piece of glass just right, or like tonight in the priest's sermon.  He talked about a little boy who sung to his unborn sister in his mommy's tummy.  When the little girl was born with complications the doctors didn't want the little boy in the NICU.  His mom demanded he be allowed in to sing to his sister.  What did he sing?  none other then "You are My Sunshine."  Father read the words out loud and I heard my mom gasp behind me.  I looked up at Jeff.  You see, I sung that song to Anna not always every night.  But since Mackenzie was born EVERY NIGHT.  We actually sing two versions, "You are My Sunshine" and "You are My Rainbow".  Anna requested the later sometime after we started seeing Mackenzie as our little rainbow.

I know to non believers this seems silly.  But I believe.  I believe that God has a way to comfort me.  I believe that Mackenzie has a way of being with us.  I believe she will always be with us, where ever we go, we just have to watch.  I believe in Hope.  I believe that one day, we will celebrate Christmas with our little daughter Mackenzie.  A Christmas that she'll be visible to us.  A Christmas where we can hug and kiss her again.  I believe that she is looking down on us from Heaven above.  I hope she's proud of her mommy and daddy.  I hope she finds joy in her big sister's fun loving spirit.  I don't need to hope she's safe, because I believe our Father holds her in His arms.

Merry Christmas!