Wordless Wednesday _ Christmas Randomness

Santa came to our house

excited to see Santa!

Anna glitter glue fingers

Nap time! 

Christmas Eve @ Grandma and Grandpa Lukan's

The Night Before Christmas Tradition

The Angel Tradition (Anna's great great grandfather Henry Lukan

purchased this angel for the church many years ago.  You put

coins in her pouch and she nods her head.  I did this as a little girl too.)

Crafting with mom

Building Great Grandma Lukan a castle

ICE CREAM!!!

Playing shuffle board

Perfect Wings

So you read my  Friday Night Leftovers.  I was in a pit of turmoil about Mackenzie needing a stocking.

We went shopping on Saturday.  I hit the deals big time!!!  I love a good deal.  SStore had all their Christmas beauty on sale for 90% OFF!!!!  So I got wrapping paper, pine cones, Christmas balls, 104 Christmas cards, 4 wicker baskets, and 11 (yes I said ELEVEN!) rolls of wrapping paper for $12.00!  Original price $120.00.  I love a deal.

This post is not about my deal, I just had to share cause it's so exciting! 

We also went to Walmart.  I was looking at laptops, I need a new PC cause this dino is just not cutting it.  I would blog more if I could load pictures quicker and it didn't take FOREVER!  Anyway, Anna was starting to fall asleep, so I carried her through the store on my search to find the left over Christmas glory.  I was hunting down the perfect stocking for our angel. 

And there it was, a perfectly beautiful stocking, like angel wings...

I love it!  Feathers just like perfect wings.

A special certain someone (I won't call you out), asked me why I would want a stocking for a child who is not going to be there Christmas morning, and what would I put in it?  I will put Mackenzie's "Remembrance" Hallmark ornament in her stocking every year, and Anna will open it, hang it on the tree, and we will tell her about her sister. 

Mackenzie is part of my life, she always will be with her perfect wings.

Oh, and we had a Mackenzie rainbow yesterday.  The three of us were playing outside.  When we came in I was getting Anna undressed, and there right in front of me the sunlight cast a small little rainbow on the basement floor.  I told Anna, "look there's our rainbow!"  "Rainbow!" she responded.  She bent over to try and pick it up.  As she did so, she blocked the sunlight and the rainbow disappeared for a moment.  She was a little sad, then she stepped back, "My rainbow back!"

You may think I'm crazy, but I know Mackenzie was right there with us - just out of reach.

Friday Night Leftovers

I stole this title from a friend, because this is a left over I need to get off my chest...

A friend of mine, posted here on her December 24, 2011 post, about missing her son Brennan on Christmas.  Brennan is the heavenly baby I wrote about here, which was one of most popular posts.  Anyway, back to Brennan's mommy... she wrote about how they remembered baby Brennan at Christmas.  When she mentioned that Baby Brennan had a stocking, my heart sank.  I didn't buy Mackenzie a stocking, I didn't even think about it.  I mean we did our "own thing" and started a tradition, but what kind of parent doesn't buy their baby a stocking when everyone else in the family has one?

We didn't use our stockings this year since we were at mom and dad's on Christmas day, but they were still hanging.  There should have been four hanging there.  We do have a tradition that Jeff and I started a couple years into our relationship.  We buy Hallmark ornaments for one another.  We did buy Mackenzie one, but I wish I would have put it in her stocking...

We also took Mackenzie a Christmas tree.  Brennan's mommy took a picture of his bear in front of the Christmas tree... I didn't even think of it.  Oh!  A little regret.  Maybe it's OK that we didn't do those things.  We can all do our remembrance differently, I know, I just wish I would have thought of it. 

I tucked away the last of the Christmas bling today, you know those random items that try to hide and our hoping to see a glimpse of summer fun?  Well, amongst those items were our stockings.  I think tomorrow when we're shopping I'm going to see if there is any Christmas decor left lurking around and snatch up a stocking, and tuck it away for Christmas's to come.

Well, if I press "POST" now, this will still make the Friday cut, and still qualify as a "Left Over"! 
Good night!  Have a great weekend.

A Wonderful Christmas

Just a little note to say, we are having a wonder Christmas. 

Last night we went to church "back home" with mom and dad.  Anna was so cute.  The church where I grew up is HUGE!!!  I think the alter of my home town church is as big as our precious Trinity.  You may even be able to fit 6-8 Trinity's into this beautiful building.  Anyway, we always sit on a side aisle.  Anna loves the music at any church.  She always comes to me to lift her up as soon as the organist/pianist hits that first note.  She stands on the back of the bench in front of us and sways to the music and "sings" along.  Last night she'd even go into the side aisle and twirl and dance.  She was quiet, but I'm sure she still made her presence known.  Can't miss that angelic face and those pinchable dimples...

When Dad went up to do collection she was concerned that he was gone.  Before anyone could catch her she took off down the long aisle to the back of the church looking for him.  Pretty sure no one noticed... yah right.  Then she has to go to the bathroom... and when I'm washing my hands takes off in her usual trot (yes, just like a horse) to the bench.  My grade one teacher stopped as I tried to catch up to Anna to tell me how sweet she was.

After the service was over we went to the front to see the "baby Jesus" house.  There were candles all around, and since the local children had sang "Happy Birthday Jesus", she just had to blow out those candles.  But she kinda singed her hair...  She also fed the angel that I used to feed as a little girl.  This angel was purchased my Anna's great great grandfather, Henry, for the church many years ago.  The angel holds a little sachet that you can drop coins into.  As you drop the coins in, she nods her head in thanks.

Mackenzie was with us in church.  We often find her with us during special times.  How do we know?  Usually through small acts of God.  Like Anna catching the smallest rainbow made by the sun shinning through a piece of glass just right, or like tonight in the priest's sermon.  He talked about a little boy who sung to his unborn sister in his mommy's tummy.  When the little girl was born with complications the doctors didn't want the little boy in the NICU.  His mom demanded he be allowed in to sing to his sister.  What did he sing?  none other then "You are My Sunshine."  Father read the words out loud and I heard my mom gasp behind me.  I looked up at Jeff.  You see, I sung that song to Anna not always every night.  But since Mackenzie was born EVERY NIGHT.  We actually sing two versions, "You are My Sunshine" and "You are My Rainbow".  Anna requested the later sometime after we started seeing Mackenzie as our little rainbow.

I know to non believers this seems silly.  But I believe.  I believe that God has a way to comfort me.  I believe that Mackenzie has a way of being with us.  I believe she will always be with us, where ever we go, we just have to watch.  I believe in Hope.  I believe that one day, we will celebrate Christmas with our little daughter Mackenzie.  A Christmas that she'll be visible to us.  A Christmas where we can hug and kiss her again.  I believe that she is looking down on us from Heaven above.  I hope she's proud of her mommy and daddy.  I hope she finds joy in her big sister's fun loving spirit.  I don't need to hope she's safe, because I believe our Father holds her in His arms.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!  Here are a couple of pictures of Christmas from the past... some are a little scary!!

2007 - Me

 2007 - my handsome husband

2008 - arg scary!!  26 weeks pregnant with Anna

2009 - Anna's first Christmas

Christmas at grandpa and grandma Lukan's - 2009

2010 - 19 weeks pregnant with Mackenzie

This years picture still to come!  Keep checking in!

Thankful Thursday A Little Mackenzie Christmas

Thank you for all the beautiful, heartfelt comments on m last post about Baby Brennan.  Isn't it wonderful how God works.  It's been almost two months since I thought of surprising Brennan's family with this little gift.  I was wanting to extend some Christmas, love and hope to someone else to comfort them, as it also comforted me.  Little did I know how many people were going to return the gesture...

The most perfect gift.  I knew about this gift.  In the summer my sister asked us if she could have a picture sketched of Mackenzie, as a memorial gift from her.  She was not sure if we would want one done.  Of course we agreed, and I gave her a CD copy of all Mackenzie's pictures.  This beautiful picture was drawn by an artist in Red Deer.  Thank you Leslie.  We now have a very beautiful picture of our precious daughter to hang on the wall that captures her in "life".  You will never know how precious a gift you've given us.

"Because you deserve rainbows in the winter too!"

(sigh) what can I say??  I was so surprised to receive this very sentimental gift.  One of my best friends and I always buy gifts for our daughters to give one another, this year she had this wool hand dyed in Oregon, and she knit these beautiful mitts herself!!!!  Thank you so much Keltie!  You were with me on the worst days of my life, and I pray we have many happy times ahead.

One of my special "moms" (you know from my Internet group I'm always gushing about), sent a beautiful snowman ornament for each of our girls!

Thank you Shanon!

I entered a Christmas exchange for moms who have lost little ones.

Wanda sent me this beautiful ornament (and some chocolate!!).

Thank you new friend!

Had to add this ornament Anna received from her BFF, Rylee (Keltie's daughter).

Thank you!

"Celebrate with Love"

Keltie also gave Mackenzie this ornament!

From Mackenzie's God Parents, my brother Joey and his beautiful wife, Janelle.

Thank you!

"Faith, Hope, Love"

This ornament I received from another special mom, Christina.

I saw this ornament, along with the one from Keltie (above) way back in November in a local drugstore.  I fell in love.  I wanted to buy it for myself... but decided not to.  Awesome how God put a thought in their minds when they saw the ornament and thought of our little angel.  I did pick up this exact ornament and send in to a wonderful, amazing mom in Manitoba... another one of my "moms".

This was the very first Christmas ornament Mackenzie received back at the end of summer.

I believe the idea came from my cousin Sarah and was sent with love from Auntie Dolores, Uncle Ross, David & Karen and Family, Susan & Chris and Family, and Sarah & Justin and Family!

Thank you!

"Bless this Child"

Once again, my Kimmy!  This is the ornament that came with the beautiful Christmas bouquet Kim brought to Mackenzie's memorial at the cemetery.

Thank you Kim, Matt. Dylan, Nathan and precious baby Ally!

A HUGE THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO CONTINUES TO PRAY FOR MY FAMILY,

TO EVERYONE WHO HAS THOUGHT OF US DURING THIS BLESSED SEASON,

TO EVERYONE WHO ASKS ME HOW I'M DOING WHEN YOU SEE ME,

AND TO EVERYONE WHO HAS SENT US BEAUTIFUL CHRISTMAS CARDS

(MY "MOMS" ESPECIALLY).

I didn't do cards to my entire (huge) family this year.  I wasn't sure how, it felt awkward and weird.

I did send cards to my "moms", OK really their kids, as a part of a card exchange organized by Susannah.

In lieu of a post marked card this year, please accept our Christmas message:

May God Bless You and Your Family

as You Remember and Celebrate the Birth of

Our Saviour, Jesus Christ.

May the Year 2012 Find You With

Faith, Hope and Love.

Love Always,

The Erikssen Family

A Good Day!

Today was a good day.  It just started out so well.  Anna called me to her room, as she usually does, and I tickled her.  Then she wanted me to read her Bible book about Sam the Samaritan.  She really likes this story, probably because on each page there is a mouse to find!  None the less, she's hearing the word,  if she knows it or not!

We let Daddy sleep as we had breakfast and got ready for church.  As we drove down the driveway, Jeff and I noted this was going to be the first time we didn't have a big family feud trying to get out the door - and we weren't late!!!

Anna's a good girl in church.  She loves to hear the organist play.  Every time the music starts, she comes to one of us so we can pick her up and she dances on the bench in front of us.  She sways back and forth to the music, it's so precious.  She also loves seeing the Advent wreathe and candles.  Today, when we were done communion, she tried to blow them out!  She is really comfortable in our little church, which I am thankful for, and today she didn't want to leave.  After the service ends each time Sunday, she states, "Gonna go see Kenzie's rose!"  I love that she remembers that!

I also love that our small congregation remembers Mackenzie.  They keep our names, and hers, printed in the bulletin  for special prayer.  I love hearing her name out loud.  Makes my heart flutter and brings a smile to my face.  It really makes me feel good that she is remembered.

After church we went out to the cemetery.  It was overcast today, but no wind.  We took Mackenzie a little Christmas tree.  I know it's a live tree and that it will freeze, but it's cute.  Anna likes to go look at her sister's angel and flowers.  Today a couple of the solar light ornaments were bent over.  We've had some warm weather and heavy wind, causing them to fall at a peculiar angle, to then get frozen in place!  There was no moving them!

Anna collected a couple pine cones for Mackenzie's angel, and sat them there in front of her.  It is nice to go there, but I know it is hard for Jeff.  It is for me too... I saw some tears today...

We came home, had a traditional "Lukan" after church pancake breakfast.  Then we all cozied up on our couches and watched "Beauty and the Beast Enchanted Christmas".  Ok, none of us lasted long, we all had a good nap!  Anna napped on my chest, it was so comforting!

We spent some time outside, and played hide and seek before bed, this is Anna's favourite game!  She gets so excited!

So there you have it.  Today was a really good day!  A little bit of lighter reading for you. ;)

Christmas is coming...

Well, Christmas is coming, if I like it or not.  Don't get me wrong, I do like Christmas, but I don't have to love it this year.  We finally put up our tree today.  Anna thought it was fun.  She hung all her ornaments right at the bottom.  She was so happy with herself.  For the most part, I trimmed the tree in white this year.  I needed to feel the pureness, the innocence, the calm that white brings.  I put our wall hanging that says "Peace" on it, about 2/3 of the way up the tree.  I thought it was a neat idea, Jeff thinks is tacky.  But hopefully it reminds me everyday to be peaceful;  to let the season happen, even though I'd would rather go to sleep tonight and wake up to January 1, 2012.

I've been having some anxiety about the holidays.  Why?  well I'm allowed to.  I guess that's part of the process after you've lost someone.  Christmas is tough.  I didn't buy "Baby's First Christmas" Hallmark booties this year.  I bought a remembrance ornament instead...  When Anna and her cousins (from either side of the family) get together to play, and unwrap their gifts how can I help but think of our missing daughter?  When mom and dad come next weekend, along with my siblings and families, there will not be four parcels under the tree from Grandpa and Grandma for the grandchildren.  Cause how do you send gifts to Heaven?  We're having family Christmas at our home, mostly because I need the comfort of my surroundings.  If I need to go hide for a while I will.  And maybe this way we can include Mackenzie and take that quick drive down the highway to the church.

We are spending Christmas Day and some days before/after at my parents place.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to be away from home.  But if we were home, I would feel the pressure to be around all our loved ones and the big hoopla of it all.  Mom and dad's will be quiet.  There won't be a crowd.  If I need a time out, I can go to my room.  My room back home has changed a lot, but it's still comforting. 

Maybe my need to be back home at Christmas comes down to the fact that the hurting little girl in me just needs her mommy and daddy.  Maybe I can pretend that I'm just 10 years old, going to midnight mass, and feeling the magic of the retelling of Christ's birth.  At that age the thought of singing "Away in a Manger", won't make me tear up and my throat raw - we sang that song at Mackenzie's funeral.

But I don't want to be 10 years old again.  I would never give up my wonderful husband and beautiful daughters, not for all the heartache in the world.

I came across a great scripture yesterday, quite accidentally, cause I read the wrong one!  Of course I just spent the last 1/2 hour trying to find it, and no luck.  Anyway it talked about walking through a valley of hardship to eventually get to better things - God's glory.  Funny because my sister in law had just told me that same thing earlier that day!  So here I am, walking...

Thankful Thursday - Rarities Addition

Well, I've been really up in the air about Christmas this year.  What to do?  How much and when to decorate?  Where should we go?  Should we stay home? blah, blah, blah...

Thankful #1 - My counsellor gave me a book on grief and bereavement the other day.  I just read this morning that it's ok to skip the cards, the extra decorating and running around like a crazy person, when you're grieving the loss of a loved one.  So I'm not going to send out a bunch of cards this Christmas.  We didn't do cards last Christmas because we knew we would get family pictures done in April with Anna's 2 year pictures, and that we'd do them again this fall with "the new baby".  So this year I'm thankful that someone has let me feel that it's ok, that we skip this little tradition. 

Thankful #2 - Crafting - Well, I'm not skipping the tradition entirely... I am making cards for our Awesome Mama's group.  So yah, I'm only doing about thirty... not a lot right??  I've been crafting with Anna;  cutting, pasting, Anna spilling 1000 of those little metallic craft stars all over the place, two days in a row.  Why, you ask do I keep giving them back to her?  Hello, it occupies her!  She gets out my measuring spoons and cups and pretends to  make "soup" or "chocolate chip cookies"!  I like that she sits at the table with me and stirs the stars around and around.

Thankful #3 - little metallic craft stars (see above!)

Thankful #4 - My Markers - I'm also enjoing my old markers from Interior Design school.  Oh, how I've missed you my over intoxicating marker friends!  That dizzy high I get from their smell, which quickly fades into a headache!  Brings back memories.  I have to apologize to my mommas... who ever gets the first couple cards, they aren't that pretty, but wow, are my rendering skills improving as I go!

Thankful #5 - my family, and friends who are so patient with me.

Thankful #6 - God for blessing me

Thankful #7 - Snow, yah I said the "S" word.  It'll be 5 years, next week, that Jeff proposed to me.  So we are hoping to go back to the mountain where the proposal took place.  We need snow.  61cm of fresh snow so far this week @ our mountain. :)

Thankful #8 - Peppermint bubble bath.  I'm skipping my run tonight to splurge on bubbles.

Thankful #9 - I'm really looking forward to "the cookie exchange".  Very thankful to be invited to join.  So thankyou for  thinking of me.  This gives me that little Christmas "magic" feeling.  Something so simple.

Thankful #10 - Lattes from Starbucks!  Try the Caramel Brule, or Peppermint Mocha - but don't forget the "skinny"

Thankful #11 - That the nearest Starbucks is 102 kms away! or I'd be broke and a little extra "jolly" around the middle.