Whispers to Heaven and "Lost"

My dear readers, thank you for patiently waiting for me to write something.  I have been very lost as to what to write this last month or so.  Maybe because that's how grief works.  You think you've got all the fog cleared away, and even though you wandered so slowly and mindlessly in the fog for a long time, you think you have your foot on the right path and there it is... that fog closes in on you... again.

It could also be the change of seasons again.  I find some of the seasonal changes hard.  Maybe this one in particular because I really don't like being cold.  As I see the leaves falling to the ground, being swirled around together, I also see the days that have fallen behind me.  The days that have come and gone with out my precious daughter, days that I still question what could have went so tragically wrong to take my perfectly beautiful daughter from me, days that go by that I find no success with the treatment I'm on to try to conceive.  As these days get lost in the rustling of the leaves, as the wind swirls that fog in around me once more, I can't help but question the plan... I know I should not question it, for only He knows what is meant for my life...

I don't question my faith in God himself, nor am I saying I question Him in the way of anger.  I think I question more along the line of, what is the whole beauty of this journey of loss?  For what beautiful ending have I lost such a precious child?  I've heard to many times people say that God is making room for more in my life... but what is it??  Maybe I am questioning my faith?  I honestly don't know.  Am I??  Please, to my good Christian friends, many who have more biblical knowledge then myself, what is the answer??

I feel I am lost again... the emotions swirling high around me.  It's a year the end of this week, that I took a 2.5 month leave from work.  A year.  Those days fallen behind me, endlessly raked together in to heaps, only to be tossed around and muddled together by the wind.

God said, "Ask what I should give you."

1 Kings 3:5

 



Dear Mackenzie,

Hi sweetheart, it's flu season.  I had to get my shot at work today.  It was last year that a really sweet and lovely health nurse/coworker, took the time to really, sincerely ask me how I was.  She was the one who let me know it was ok to still be grieving and hurting.  She made me recognize that I needed some more time...

I had to call the health unit about getting my immunizations updated.  They must have "lost a baby" written on my file.  As soon as she referred to my file she "knew" who I was.  I'm the girl who "lost" her baby.  She asked me how far in my pregnancy I was when you were "lost".  Does it matter?  When I get asked that question I always say "full term, 38 weeks".  I feel the need for people to know that.  You were in my tummy long enough to be fully developed.  

I met grandpa, grandma and your big sister, Anna at the hall so we could get Anna's flu shot done.  When grandma got hers done, she was with the nurse I had talked to earlier this morning.  The nurse asked grandma if she was my mom.  Grandma responded that she was my mother-in-law.  The nurse told grandma how they, the nurses, just loved me.   I think I was fresh in her mind... and who can't handle a little extra love?

Kenzie, momma's car is on the fritz, is getting time to get a new one... it's been suggested I get a mini van!!  much to your daddy's horror!!  I'm not so sure.  What if we don't have any more little ones to fill all those empty seats??  We always thought that by the time my Jeep kicked the bucket, that we'd need to upgrade to a larger size SUV, now I'm thinking smaller, better fuel economy.

I'm not saying I'm giving up on providing you a younger sibling so you can be a big sister like Anna.  I'm just not so sure it's in the plan.  Anna was talking about you today.  In a small, perhaps, but the impact on me was great.  I had bought a gift for a birthday party we're attending next weekend and when she saw it she asked me if it was for her sister.  I told her, "No, honey, your sister is in Heaven, remember?  This is for your friend."

I hear all the time people referencing us having baby #2.  Well, I'm not hoping to have baby #2, cause that's you.  People ask how many children we have, I say two.  How will Anna answer that question of "Do you have any brothers and sisters?"  The other kids at daycare have questioned who you are when Anna talks about you.  It's probably confusing because the other kids who have siblings go to daycare with their siblings, yet Anna arrives alone. 

I can remember when I was taking Anna to daycare last summer that one little girl of about 4 yrs old, saw that I wasn't pregnant anymore, and she excitedly asked me what I had.  Of course with this sweet girl I was just able to say, "We had a little girl, her name is Mackenzie," just as if you were waiting in the car outside... 

I hope you're following this crazy path I'm weaving tonight!!  Mommy better say goodnight.  Sweet dreams baby girl!  I miss you!   

Love forever,
Mommy

P.S. Oh and please watch at the gates for a sweet, curly red headed girl.  Her name is Stella, her mommies say she's getting her wings pretty soon.  I know Heaven is a wonderful, happy place, but I think her mommies will be happy to know you'll be their to help Jesus welcome her home.  I think you'll just love her!  She's very fiesty!

birthday blue

Well, I feel like you've been waiting forever to read something new from me.  So here we go...

I recently had a birthday, my 29th.

When you become an adult, birthdays really aren't all that grand.  This year was no exception.  I worked and it was just another regular work day.  I nice friend in the kitchen insisted I have a cookie for my birthday, so how could a girl resist?  My work day went just fine, and even had a great chat with a friend about loss... I picked up Anna and we headed for home.  On the way home I just started to feel very sad.

I'm sure I've mentioned in the last few weeks how this time of year, between Anna's and Mackenzie's birthdays is so very imprinted in full color in my memory.  I don't really know why, but there are just so many events.  I remember on my birthday last year, my friend Keltie and I went for a really long walk (7 kms) in town.  By the time we got back to our cars I was really sore.  I could barely walk when i went to Jeff's parents' for supper!  But we had such a good visit, Keltie and I.  Anyway, I remember talking about, and thinking numerous times through out the day, that next year on my birthday we would gave a 10.5 month old! 

Going back to my drive home...  I was recalling all those memories. I don't have my 10.5 year old...  Birthdays at our house are all about family and friends.  I wasn't going to spend the night with my whole family, I always feel like someone is missing.  And she is.  I asked Anna if she thought we should stop and visit Mackenzie's rose (the cemetery) on our way home.  She said no.  I was disappointed but I wasn't going to stop if she didn't want to.  However, as we approached the church she said, "Stop, let's see Mackenzie's rose."  I was relieved, feeling like that would be the only way i could spend a small moment of my birthday with both my beautiful daughters.  

I completely lost it.  I just stood there and bawled.  We didn't stay that long cause Anna was cold...  I cried on the way home and at home.  Anna gave me lots of hugs and kisses, and she knew I was upset.  I was also so irritable.  I was on the verge of an anxiety attack all afternoon.  I hate that feeling.  That's how I felt during Mackenzie's pregnancy day in and day out.  When I get like that I just need to be left alone and do my thing, however, I have a beautiful 3 year old, so that's not possible.  I called my mom.  That helped a bit, and I tried some friends to, but they weren't home.

Jeff finally got home just after five.  I told him he needed to go get Subway for supper because I needed some alone time.  He didn't protest... maybe cause he loves Subway, maybe because he knows the end result if I don't get to compose myself.  So off he and Anna went.  They even stopped and washed my Jeep waste more time.  Honestly if I could have just crawled into a dark hole, I would have.  Instead I cleaned!  So at least the house benefited.

I hate that I felt this way on my birthday.
I hate that I felt like i had to go to the cemetery to spend time with my baby on my birthday.
I hate that I sent my loved ones out of the house because I was loosing control.
I hate that I remember last years' birthday so vividly.
I hate that I felt so much better the next day because it wasn't my birthday.

My birthday was just another special occasion that Mackenzie's laugh wasn't heard at.  That we didn't witness her smiles.  I bet she would have been crawling and really close to walking.  On my birthday, she would have worn a cute little dress, and tried a little cake.

I'm happy that we celebrated my birthday with Jeff's parent's a couple days before the day.  I wouldn't have done well on the actual day at their house.  It takes a lot of energy to keep your composure outside of your home and comfort zone.  I don't want to keep burdening people with my grief.  I don't want to keep agonizing them over it.  SO I sit here, lost in my thoughts of last year, and what I wished this year would have been.

Next up is Mother's Day... ugh...

And the truth is...

Well, just another day in the lives of people who have suffered the loss of a child.  This tragic event nevers escapes us.  Not that I want it to, cause wouldn't that mean I would want escape Mackenzie too?  I'm really not sure...

So here it is... Jeff's cousins were at the farm (his parents') to visit today.  One is from Australia, the other Edmoton area.  We aren't super close to either of these men, proabably because they are 10+ years older then Jeff.  I definitely know that the one from Australia wouldn't know about our little angel, and I guess neither of them knew...  cause they were both asking us when we were going to add #2, and when we were going to catch up to Jeff's sister (she has 4 beautiful children).  I am not in anyway mad or angry with them.  They don't know what happenedm so it's not their fault, but I did just feel like saying, "We already did!".  I held my tongue, and just said, "We don't know."  More comments were made throughout the evening.

I felt bad for Jeff' mom.  I just finished telling her our "status" on having more babies earlier this afternoon.  On a side note, I am close to Jeff's mom, but just wasn't to sure about how to bring up the subject with her or if she really wanted to know.  But at the same time, I don't want her walking on eggshells with the subject and wondering.  I'm sure people ask her too.  So I just came out and told her.

Before Jeff's cousin left the farm tonight, we took him to the place in his parents' home where they have Mackenzie's portrait on display.  I explained to him that we did have another baby, that she was stillborn, and that she has been laid to rest by Grandpa Gudmun at our little Trinity church.  He was without words.  He did say that her portrait was excellant... we didn't do this to make him feel bad, but for me it was to honor her.  Why wouldn't we tell him?  I'm not ashamed.  I am sad on occasions, like tonight, when people ask about babies... I was holding Anna who was just trying to wake up from her nap, and I just wanted to take her downstairs, be alone with her, and cry. 

My heart aches deepest when we are questioned if we are going to have more kids.  The truth is... my heart aches for Mackenzie.  It aches for all the days we don't have with her on earth.  It aches for the eternity I pray to have with her in heaven.  It aches for my husband who so wants to have more children.  It aches for him because people are even questioning him on our "status", and that's not something I thought men usually discuss...  It aches for Anna, who will never get to hold her sister, teach her new things, sing her songs, run across the yard with her... and all those little girl things.  My heart aches to hold Mackenzie in my arms just one more time.   Just once more... and the truth is, I can't.

The truth is, we don't know.  If you would have told me 9 months ago that I would not be pregnant now, I would have laughed in your face.  Both Anna and Mackenzie were conceived, well, like the saying goes... "We hung our underwear on the line together."  Yes, that easily.  In fact, Mackenzie was conceived just 2 weeks after I finished up with birth control.  So if you think your chances of getting pregnant right after coming off b.c. think again!  We were happy it happened quickly.  Anna was that quick also.

So I'm sure you can understand my anxiety when I never got my cycle back after 6 weeks postpartum like the doctors said, in fact waiting all summer, a full 20 weeks.  And now you can understand our complete frustration, that after 4/5 months of a "normal" cycle it just ups and dissapears!  I went to the walk in clinic, March 1, and my doctor was away.  I saw a nice female Dr.  She was concerned about all this and actually thought I was for surely pregnant, seeing that I was showing various symtoms.  She sent me for blood work.  She called a couple days later saying it was negative, so I booked an appoinment with my doc for this past Monday.

Long story short, I am negative for the hemochromatosis (YAY!!!), my beta carotene levels are still high, but slowly coming down, and I was given a couple options...

1.  Wait it out another 6 months.  I explained to him that we feel like we've already done that.

2.  Go back on birth control to induce ovulation... really??  birth control?  arg.

and if all that doesn't work
3.  hormone therapy.  My doctor and I are really hoping we don't have to do this.

He also told me that seeing how fertile I was, that it's a bit of a "red flag".  If this was our first attempt they may not think much of it, but since we've conceived twice so easily... well who knows.

So I chose option 2.  So I have to be on for three months... and then we'll see what happens.

I could have chose this option 8 months ago... but I really didn't want to go on birth control because we wanted to conceive ASAP!!!

I guess I have the next three months to not have to think about the subject, concentrate on my goal of shedding another 10 lbs, and focus on me.  I feels good to at least know where I stand.  I feel like I know where I'm going at least.

So there you have it.  I wasn't sure if this was to much information for my blog,  but it's MY BLOG!  I needed to get this off my chest, I know I'll feel better about it now.  I love this blog for that reason.  I write my thoughts and absurd feelings down and release them to the universe and it just helps.  It also makes me feel like people aren't "talking" because I'm giving the information freely. 

I told my good friend today, during our kids' playdate that I do know that God has a plan for me, I just wish He'd tell me what it is...

Please pray that we've hit our last road block, and that what issues are going on disolve themselves in the weeks to come.  Now that you all know the truth...

For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.    - Jeremiah 29:11

Shades of pink...

I've been thinking of you...  my loyal readers.  I've "out" for a bit.  I have had some computer problems, and life just hasn't given the chance to compose my thoughts enough to write.

I'm frustrated... mostly with my body.  We seem to hit every wall possible when it comes to adding to our family.  Should I be surprised?  I guess not.  Should I be worried?  I guess not.  It's all out of my control.  I hate not knowing what's going on, cause I'm a bit of a control freak...  but God knows, He has a plan, He is in control.  I was reminded of that yesterday by someone close to me... and then I realised that I haven't been trusting Him lately.

It's hard for me to "throw caution to the wind", and just let go of everything.  I really struggle with that.  I'm trying to just let life happen... cause in the end it doesn't matter what I want, cause I don't have control.

Well, that's not what I set out to tell you about, well I guess in a way.  But what I was going to say is, I'm painting Anna's room.  "Yah, big deal!"  you say.  To me it is.  It's been a nice green shade that I developed on my own when i was working in a hardware store mixing paint.  I was fooling around with a mistint and got a beautiful, one of a kind shade of green.  So, I used it in our then "spare room", knowing it would be a great color for a baby's room one day.  I was thinking of repainting it over a year ago, but figured i would wait til "the new baby" baby came.  There's where that "I have no control" thing comes in again.  I would have repainted for Anna and Mackenzie a girly color.  Had we had a boy to bring home i would have repainted in a neutral color. 

I've been back to that hardware store, where i used to work, about 100 times trying to find the perfect color.  I was going neutral cause "what if we have another baby someday... and it's a boy."  I told Kim today that I really wanted pink, she said "Go for it!"  I figured, why not???  maybe I can just jinx myself into getting pregnant by painting her room...  LOL!

So we're going to use a shade of pink called, Ballerina.  It's very soft.  I hope Anna loves it.  I'm glad Kim urged me to go pink.  Anna is the child God gave me here on earth, and she should get a girly room, cause i don't have control over the future, and therefore have no idea if/when we may need to spend another $30 on a can of neutral paint.

So yes, I saw Kim today!  I took over all of Anna's 9-18 months clothes.  Kim put little Ally in a little outfit I bought over.  She looked so darn cute, Ally brought tears to my eyes.  I couldn't help but hold her tight against my heart and cuddle her.  Looking at Ally, I feel like I'm seeing just a tiny piece of my angel.  Kim asked me later, if it was a hard day, seeing Ally in Anna' clothes,,, that I could have put Mackenzie in.   It was, but it wasn't.  I don't know how to explain that.  I told Kim, I see Ally and think of our angel in heaven, but Ally is our little angel here, on earth.  I feel like I see just a little sparkle in Ally's eyes that glimmers just for me, a little piece of her guardian angel, Mackenzie.

These have been hard days again.  I can't really pinpoint everything, but I think the unknown circumstances within my own body, are the bricks that seem to be falling off the wall.  I feel like that wall was getting stronger and stronger, but with one small blow after another, the wall is faltering again. 

Lord, you are my shepherd.  I shall not want.

You make me to lie down in green pastures.

You lead me beside the still waters.

Psalm 23:1-2

Heart Ache and Rainbows

Our hearts are aching.  The mommas of April 2009 have broken hearts.  We've suffered the loss of another preciously loved baby.  His name is Jacob Christian.  He was born on Friday morning.  He's a little prince, wrapped in arms of love.  For women who've never met, except for a few, we really are tight, we come together to support each other during the worst times.  This was one of those times...

Jacob's mommy has always been a friend that I was intrigued by.  Someone I wanted to get to know a lot better.  Neither of us knew some 3 years and 6 months ago, when we first met that we get to know each other in the most heart breaking way two women can.  We've both released our most precious angels to heaven.  It was not our choice, and that didn't make it any easier.  You don't get to say, "No, I don't want my baby to go now."  It's just the way God plans it.  But actually letting that precious little life be given over to the trust of our Lord is a difficult burden that I can't not describe.  There are not words intense enough to write or speak that would come close to the pain a mommy and daddy feel in these tumultuously beautiful moments in life.  Beautiful?  Yes, in some ways, yes...

These are the moments you see your husband in a mirror that is so perfect it is almost jaded.  As a loving parent you have no control over your emotions when you surrender a child to God.  Seeing the emotions in your spouses face, eyes, and soul... is gut wrenching, but beautiful.

Life is tainted now... to anyone who has suffered the loss of a child, don't think you have to go back to normal.  This is a new normal.  The pain will fade a little, I know I had a hard time believing that too.  But it does hurt a tiny bit less. Yes, some day in the far off future your life will find a new routine of sorts.  A routine that revolves around the "what if"S and memories of a dainty little girl or handsome little boy that will never see the blue of the sky, the green of the grass, and the sparkle of a new fallen snow.  The beautiful eyes of these angels will never see the rainbows...

I was honoured to be able to share some of these moments with such a beautiful, loving mommy.  She called me the night before her son was born.  I listened, we cried.  I let her know that everything she was feeling is OK.  That no one can tell her what she is doing is wrong.  When it was time to go I told her, "Breathe, that's all you can do... breathe.  I love you."

My heart hurt all weekend, until I was updated.  I had wished when we all first found out that baby Jacob was going to heaven that Mackenzie would be there.  I was sad that I didn't see her shining brilliantly in the sky on Friday, it was overcast.  However, on the way to work Anna told me twice, "Look mommy!  My rainbow!  It's back!  It's here!"  I scanned the sky and the skyline, sometimes Anna thinks the brilliant colors of a sunrise our rainbows... I found no rainbow and no colors from the sun, that was hidden amongst the clouds.  Both times I asked Anna, "Where Anna?"  and both times she pointed through the front window of the Jeep, exclaiming, "Right there mommy!!  My rainbow is right there!  See it?!" 

I never saw those rainbows on Friday.  I only put two and two together last night, that Anna had to have seen something only the innocent eyes of a child could see.  Mackenzie was with us, and I know she was with Jacob... welcoming him home.

Tiny, precious rainbows that were with Dannie

 on vacation in BC.  February 22, 2012

A gorgeous bold rainbow paying Heather T. a visit.

Abbotsford, BC  February 22, 2012

Rockin' Anger

Well for a step in grief I wasn't really sure I was even going to get to, I'm really rockin' this anger stage.

This week it's insurance.  Specifically "Life Insurance".  I am not looking to make a buck off my family tradgedy, but looking for some knowledge, even so I can pass the information on to someone else.

My mom and I had a talk a while back about insurance benefits.  She encouraged me to check what my policy is through work.  Well, I finally did.  This is the answer I got... this is not quoting the book, but just a sum up.

Basically my insurance covers myself, "1" spouse (really they specify one!), and any dependant(s) for accidental death or dismemberment. 

The definition I found for a dependant (in relation to this topic) is:

Dependant - a person who depends on another person or organisation, etc.  for support, aid, life or sustenance...

Apparently according to insurance, Mackenzie was not my dependant.  Please explain to me how the baby I gave life to for 38 weeks was not dependant on me???  Really?  In the eyes of the "powers that be" of the insurance world, Mackenzie was not my dependant not only because she didn't breathe outside my body, but she didn't breathe outside the hospital walls. I am the only person who thinks that is absurd???  A baby has to be taken outside the hospital by his/her parents in order to be considered a dependant.  I don't even want to know what the life insurance company would say had she born alive, and passed away suddenly hours after birth...

I understand they need to draw a "line" somewhere.  But come on!!!  If Mackenzie would have been born at that 21 - 24 week (can't remember the exact week that they determine a "fetus" viable outside the womb) they would have done everything humanly possible to save her.  Yet, at 38 weeks, she gets nothing!  She is still considered a fetus.  I'm sorry, but she did breathe.  She was breathing inside of me!!!!  She was my dependant daughter.  She depended on me to breathe so she could breathe, on me to eat so she could eat.

When the nice lady I spoke to read this information to me on Tuesday I politely said, "OK, I understand."  It took me a full 48 hrs to process.  I brought this subject up at coffee today with my wonderful coworkers.  These women are moms too.  They were also disturbed by this fact.  Pointing out that if I would have wanted to terminate, she would have been considered a fetus, not a baby.  Had she born a premie, she would have been considered a baby, as early as 21 or 24 weeks gestation.  Where is the support for bereaved parents who have lost the most precious person (along side their other children) in their lives????

Why do these babies get treated like they didn't exist?  All I heard when being told this information was, "She wasn't really your daughter."  No one said that out loud, but by telling me Mackenzie was not my dependant, that is what I, the mother of a baby born to God, heard.  Seriously, there is something wrong with this whole picture.  We, parents who've suffered tragic losse,s don't need to worry about the costs of the trials and tribulations we're facing, we can barely function.  This is when "Life Insurance" is needed the most.  As one coworker pointed out, it's called "Life" insurance for a reason.  It's to help support those who are living, not the ones who are... well, dead.  Other wise it would be called "dead insurance".  I can't believe I pay for "Life Insurance", when it wasn't there for me when I lost such a precious life.  What a slap in the face.

Besides all this... the lady that I talked to asked me why I was concerned.  (I did tell her that I was just interested to see what the policy stated and that it was probably to late if there was any help to be applied for.)  I told her I just wanted to know, since we did incur expenses.  Can you imagine what she asked me?  She asked me, "Well, what do you mean that you had expenses?  Didn't the hospital provide you with options to reduce cost?"

*   *   *

Did you catch your breath?

Um Hello???  Any body home?  I felt like asking her if she had kids, and if so what expenses would she have if one of them, Lord forbid, were to pass away.

I told her that yes, the hospital did tell us about our option to have Mackenzie cremated in a mass cremation and burried in a mass grave somewhere in Edmonton.  Oh, but we would have been told where... yippee.  I also told her that was not an option!  I can understand some people are OK with that, but not us.  We couldn't even imagine her being "alone" in the cemetery 5 minutes from our house.  That's why Grandma gave us her extra plots and Mackenzie is burried right beside her Great Grandfather.

As for other costs, I said, "uh, we had to have her transported from Edmonton to Killam.  We had a funeral, and we bought her a headstone.  I would never have not done any of these things.  I was ready to spend our savings on whatever we had to, in order to honour our daughter properly.  We are fortunate to have such wonderful friends and family who stepped up and donated memorial funds that we put towards her memorial marker and amazing parents, who did incur the remaining costs for us (of course they waited until after everything was said and done to tell us).  And I didn't spare a thing.  When we met with the florist I ordered what I wanted, without considering the cost, because I needed everything to be as beautiful as Mackenzie.

There so many other costs that our families had that i didn't even mention to this woman, like:

· my dad's flight from Fort Mac to Edmonton.

· my dad's flight back to Fort Mac from Edmonton.

· all the driving back and forth (especially for my dear friend who drove me, Anna and even Jeff around)

· the lost wages for both Jeff and myself

· and the list could go on and on.

· besides all that, how do they know that we didn't have to stay in hotels, eat out, etc.???

Don't get me wrong here.  I don't want the money.  That's not what this is about.  This is about the loss of humanity and decency.  This is about the loss of "life".  The loss of rights for these little angels.

I would hate to imagine a family, much like my own, who doesn't have family near to help with these expenses when faced with a similar situation.  If we didn't have money tucked away, and had no family to help, would we have had to choose that "cost reduction" option?  Would that choice be made because there are no funds? and your Life Insurance company is not concerned with the life of a 38 week gestation baby, who is called to God before ever taking her first breath outside the womb?

Mackenzie was my daughter, my dependant from the moment she was conceived.  And no, I will not let some heartless "Life" Insurance agency deny me of that.  I just pray that none of their employees, or reps or whom ever makes those decisions at these big firms, EVER EVER has to go through what I've gone through.  I hope those decision makers don't EVER have to face a friend or family member who is dealing with the loss of their oh so dependant, baby.  Cause if they do, that's when they'll realise just how dependant the lives of these quiet, anges are. 

Mackenzie, my sweet baby girl, mommy knows just how precious you are, so precious to me, daddy, Anna,, your entire family and so many friends.  Most of all, you are a child.  You are a child of God.  God hold us all in his arms, where we can feel one anothers love.

Not even a sparrow, worth only half a penny, can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. 

And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. 

So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to him than a whole flock of sparrows.

Matthew 10:29 - 31

Yellow Skin

Sorry I haven't been around much lately.  I've been really enjoying life, and keeping busy with my family, work and exercise (got back to running/jogging).

So here's where we're at:

My mother in law has been stating to me for quite some time (over a year) that my skin is very yellow.  I kept brushing it off.  Well, I finally mentioned it to my doctor in early December, so we did some blood work.  First round everything came back normal, kidney functions, liver functions... etc.  So we did more blood work so we did another round the following week.  My wonderful doctor left me a message that my beta carotene levels were 10.6.  He stated that "normal" is between 1-5!  YIKES!  He had given me an article from a medical magazine about yellow skin and it suggested the beta carotene's could be high because of my diet.  So in his message he said to take a look at what I'm eating.  So to make a long story short, I figured out after about a week that it wasn't my diet buy a vitamin type supplement that I was taking.  I went in to see the doctor again, and he had another doctor sit in on my appointment for a consult.  They both said that it is rare to see an adult have that high of beta carotene levels and that it's usually young ones, who eat to many carrots when first starting solids, who we see with orange noses.  They were both a concerned.  I showed them the supplement I was taking and they both told me to stop taking it immediately and it was definitely part of/the cause of the problem.  Turns out each capsule has 1.8 mg of beta carotene and  I was taking 4 a day.  Seems like my body can't handle that much, and my liver and kidneys can't process it fast enough.

So I stopped taking the supplement right after that appointment.  A few weeks ago my mom called.  She told me that she had been doing some research.  She asked if I remembered that she had "hemochromatosis".  I didn't recognize that word at all.  She went on to explain that it is a type of liver disease that is "Unfortunately, Neonatal Hemochromatosis is usually deadly to the fetus (unborn baby) or if born alive, kills the baby in the first weeks or months of the baby's life due to complications of the toxic amounts of iron in the baby's body.   A liver transplant can, in some cases, save the baby's life and/or a combination of special drugs.  Occasionally, a baby will "overcome" the effects of NH and survive without a liver transplant.  It is imperative that the baby is treated by physicians familiar with the disease or physicians willing to consult with experts familiar with this disease.  A woman may have one or more healthy children in her life before having an NH baby.  A woman can have a healthy child after an NH baby, however, the risk of a woman having another NH baby after having her first NH baby is greater than 80%.  The good news is that new research has provided a treatment for such women who become pregnant again permitting them to have a healthy baby in the future.  More information on this miraculous treatment appears on this web site."  http://www.neonatalhemochromatosis.org/

Hmmm.. That's interesting isn't it?  I told mom I don't "need" a reason for the loss of my daughter, but I do need to know that it won't happen again.  The truth is, as I contemplate all these new findings, that a little insight into what may have happened is good...

Mom, was out here this past week.  I drug her to the walk in clinic to see my doctor.  I had recently had my beta carotene levels checked and wanted the results and I needed to ask him about this hemochromatosis.  We waited about 2 1/2 hours, but the staff know I'll wait to see my doctor instead of someone else.  There is just to much history to go over if I see a different doctor.  He gave me my new beta carotene level , 9.1.  So it has come down 1.5 in about 45 days.  Good??  I guess so?!  seems slow, and he said it could take a year or more.

Then I asked him what he knew about hemochromatosis.  I told him mom had it.  He looked at us in a kinda of stunned way.  This liver disease is genetic.  It can lie dormant in you and then become active, explains why mom had 3 healthy kids.  So I asked if I could be tested, and he said "Yes, you definately have to be tested."  I told him that I had googled it, and that I did read that it is fatal to babies of pregnant mommies.  And he nodded and said "yes".   Just before we left he said, "I didn't realize that your mom had this."  And I told him not to worry about it, it's not anyone's fault, cause I didn't realize it either.  Mom had told me to get tested when she was diagnonsed... but I was in college, more worried about exams and project due dates...

So I did more blood work.  I will know mid-week some results, like iron levels.  The major test gets sent to Edmonton for genetic testing, those results will a couple weeks.

Maybe I don't have this problem, maybe that's now what happened to Mackenzie.  And that's ok.  Even if I do have it, I will never really know what happened because we didn't put our little angel through any testing.  What I do know is that I was blessed by God to have such a precious, beautiful little daughter with me for 38 weeks in my womb.  I know that Mackenzie has forever changed my life, and that she is with me everyday.  For example, someone saw a rainbow at work today... if that rainbow was created in the way the kitchen aid poored stuff into a slop bucket or not, it was a rainbow.   Mackenzie has given me hope.

I know, that our Mackenzie was called by God, to watch over us in heaven, and that she has served a tremendous purpose in this world.

Grief Stage # 5 - ANGER

Anger  (this is #5, but since I just got here today, I figured I'd skip ahead)
I was told that I would go through this stage.  Actually, this is one of the first ones I was warned about.  People would comment:

"You may be angry with friends who are pregnant."
"You may be angry at the doctors for not catching things sooner."
"You may be angry when you here of others who are announcing their pregnancies."
"You may be angry when you see other women with newborns."
"You may even be angry with God."
"You may be angry at yourself..."

The book the counsellor gave me on grief, that explains these stages, suggests that I may be angry with Mackenzie died and left me alone...  well I don't feel that way, I'm not alone.  O that she caused me such horrible pain.  I don't feel that way either.  What ever happened to our angel was not her fault.

Anger is reasonable.  We are encouraged to find it, recognise it, acknowledge it, and express the anger.  It's OK to be angry, and I'm reading that I'm not supposed to feel guilty about it, which i do.  I'm trying not to let it consume me...  As the book says, I will live with it for a while, and then I'll let it go... when I'm ready. 

Thank you to a couple good friends who've really listened to my anger.  Even though I'm making excuses for it at the same time, your listening helps me express that anger.

I can't really get into the reason for my anger here, on my blog.  But let's just say, I'm angry at myself for being naive.  In what way?  a few... like taking for granted that a baby was going to arrive after 40 weeks, all healthy, and crying.  And well, there's more to it then just that...

*   *   *

On a happy note...

• today i spent the afternoon with Kimmy.  I picked up lunch and we ate at her place then went to the indoor play centre.
• I got to gab it up with a bunch of other fun mommies!  always a good time!
• I stopped at the small town thrift store "The Good as New" and found some treasures!  A .50 cent pair of Oakley sunglasses for Anna AND a $1 high chair thingy that has clamps on it so you can clamp it on a table!!!  And it's a Phil and Ted's!!  (that's a very good quality and pricey brand name of baby gear)  And this thingy matches our Phil and Ted's stroller!  so happy about that!  I love a great deal!!  As I would say to my mother in law "It's like FREE!!!!"
• I got to clean the house a bit this evening!  (believe me, this is something to be happy about!)
• Anna fell asleep on the way home, as I was coming up to the church I thought I would like to stop and pay a visit to Mackenzie.  It was nice.  It was quiet, except for the odd vehicle on the highway.  I always wonder if people who pass by when I'm there wonder why I'm here, who I'm "visiting"... 
• I choked back the tears as I sang Mackenzie's funeral song... "Away in a Manger"
• I got an email from one of my mommies that is coming out my way later this winter.  A group of us are going to meet up!!!  I'm so excited!!!  Two of the ladies I've met before, but one I haven't!!  This is a HUGE deal to me!  think of how you felt about Santa Claus when you were 4...  YAH!  that BIG!!

As I left that beautiful spot this afternoon I thought to myself how this often doesn't feel real to me.  How I feel like thishas happened to someone else.  Someone commented to me last week that she thought that this only happens to "bad" people.  You know the women who do drugs, smoke, eat terrible, our not taking care of themselves, drink, don't take their vitamins, don't go to the doctor... you know, those people, not ordinary people like me.  Sometimes I feel like I'm still watching a very sad movie.  You know those movies that you sniffle at, and hold back those tears?  And then, I go to her spot, Mackenzie's earthly resting place, and I see HER name printed on that memorial... Mackenzie Mary Erikssen... our baby's name.  I really try not to think about the little white casket, that lays under the ground, I strain to shut out the images in my mind...

"Angel That's Lost" - Jenn Beaupre

Amazing!  That's the first word that comes to my mind.  We just came back from the "Kinsella Performing Arts Guild", where we saw Jenn Beaupre perform.  Wow!  I swear that was meant to be.  The thing is, we bought these tickets last February 2011.  Why would we have tickets to see this particular woman sing tonight?  We bought those tickets before we knew that we were going to break.  Before we knew we were going to have the hardest summer and season in our lives.  Before we knew... that our lives were to be changed for ever.  Jenn was booked for this show before she knew, her best friend's brother would take his own life.  Before she knew she was going to write a song called "Angel That's Lost".  Before anyone knew that her being there tonight, and my hearing her sing that song would release me from emotion I never knew I had. 

Don't you see?  God DOES have a plan for each and every one of us.  He knew!  He knew exactly what was going on all along.  He knew He was going to put me and Jenn in the same room tonight, I needed to hear that song.  It almost made me giggle.

I sat in the car before the show, Jeff went to stand in the cold to get us a good seat.  I added to my facebook status that today, January 21, 2012, Mackenzie would have been 8 months old.  I was trying to think what she would be doing today... would she be crawling?  would she be playing patty cake?  would she walk along furniture yet?  would she say "mama?" answers will never come for those questions.

When Jenn started singing tonight, I can't explain the way I felt so connected to her music.  She drew me in.  She sat at her piano and you could see she was up there because she had a passion.  I once had that passion for music.  I lost it somewhere between college and moving to Edmonton years ago.  I've written a couple songs, that I have actually sat down and put notes to.  One song was about the death of a college dorm mate.  Who knew that I would, years later, move to the town where he grew up and become friends with his sister?  crazy  I miss that music, now that I have felt it again.

Getting back to the song Jenn wrote about her friend's brother passing...  I honestly can't remember a single word from that song, other then the title, but as she sang it, I just lost it.  Yes, I was sitting second table from the front of the stage, tears running down my face, holding back the sobs.  I'm sure I was shaking.  I don't even think I heard any of the words she sang, I felt it.  I felt the hurt that she felt for her friend, I felt the passion in the music, the lyric of the song going straight to my heart.  I had to dig out the kleenex, the tears were all the way down my face, running down my neck... I squeezed Jeff's hand under the table.  I didn't have it in me to look up at him, but I know he was thinking the same thing I was.  As we stood in the line up for yummy snacks he said to me, "Well that song sure struck a chord didn't it?".

Jenn sang many original songs, and some covers too.  She sang "Poker Face" - Lady Gaga, "Hallelujah" - Leonard Cohen, "I Will Always Love You" - Dolly Parton, "The Rainbow Connection".  Are you kidding me?  Why would this woman sing that song?  No, it's not one that I sing to Anna, maybe a couple lines here and there.  But a rainbow song???  Right... I know to everyone else this is just a coincidence, maybe it is to me too.  But, i'm pretty sure in my faith, that God had a little more to do with tonight then most of you are willing to consider.  Why?  Because He has it all mapped out. 

*   *   *

Mackenzie, I have never looked at the world in the same way since 8 months ago, May 21, 2011.  I find you in the smallest parts of my day, and in moments when I think no one knows you at all.  Baby girl, mommy and daddy were introduced to someone tonight, in that introduction we were said to have 1 little girl.  I hate that.  I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!!  I just want to get up and scream, "NO!!!  You are wrong!  We have two daughters!  You hear me!?  TWO!"

Mommy didn't imagine the joy of seeing those two lines on a pregnancy test fifteen and a half months ago.  I didn't dream that I heard your heart beat.  I didn't dream that I was going to fall in love with you the first moment I saw you.  I have your ultrasound picture.  I have your foot and hand prints.  I even have your little hand to hold - a casting the hospital made.  You are real!  I'm not loosing my mind.  You didn't dissapear from my heart the day your grandpas helped lower your sweet little casket into the ground.  Your memory wasn't burried when your grandpas gently covered you up with rich prarie soil.  Your memory lives strong in mommy's heart.  I miss you.  I love you.  Mackenzie, mommy wants you back...

I know, sweet baby, that you come back to me as often as you can.  I know you want me to hold you in my arms.  I see you in the sky, I hear you in the wind.  I smile everytime you come back to me.  You were sitting heavy on my heart tonight, creating light in my spirit. 

*   *   *

Jenn Beaupre, was a very unlikely artist to be featured in such a "rural" population.  Her music being so soulful (I couldn't figure out who she reminded me of... Amanda Marshall), she was very "alternative" sounding, i'm sure, to the crowd.  The average age of the crowd was mostlikely around 55.  I was sitting in my chair, trying to hold my self together.  My eyes were often closed, as I just felt the music...  Jenn, and I are the same age.  A few of the songs she sang were popular when we both would have been in high school.  She was going to do the song "Drops of Jupiter" - Train, but I think I was one of the few in the audience who knew it!  That song was very popular the spring of my highschool graduation.  Jenn's lucky that she lives in Calgary, cause if she lived closer I would demand that we be BFFs (now if she reads this she'll think I'm crazy!!!).  Maybe we were once, in a past life. I just finished listening to her talk about music on youtube, she takes the words right out of my mouth, she's just a much better vocalist and pianist then me.  ;)

The song that Jenn chose to sing to close out her show (before the encore) was "I Hope You Dance" - Lee ann Womack.  I almost laughted out loud.  I used to sing that song when I took music lessons.  Coincidence in the making from some 11 years ago...  Jeff was busy talking to people after the show.  We stood at the back of the hall, I was watching the stage to see if Jenn would come back out to pack up her things.  She did... I just had to go thank her.  I told her that I loved her song "Angel That's Lost" and asked if it would come out on her next album.  I told her how I sat in the audience and cried.  She was so happy to hear that her music moved me.  I shared with her, through my struggle to keep my voice from breaking, that we had lost our daughter.  She was shocked, she gave me a big hug.  What a beautiful soul.  Jenn, if you ever read this, keep going, keep writing, recording, singing.  You have a great future ahead of you.  I can't wait until I can go out and buy your CD with that special song on it.  Until it does, I will listen to you on youtube

 I knew that God was with me tonight, He always is, sometimes I just loose can't see Him for looking.  Tonight Jenn's music opened my eyes, so God could remind me He has a plan for me...  I just have to be wait, be patient, and walk the path.

*   *   *

I'm going to encourage you to hit the links at the top of the page.  You know the words that show up in color!  They will take you to Jenn's webpage, and to youtube to hear "Angel That's Lost".  Jenn asked me to add her on my facebook, and I told her I'd link her on my blog.  So if you don't want to scroll back up, here are the links again.

Jenn Beaupre

Angel That's Lost

Why?

I had a whole post written in my head, and then things changed.  Life is hard sometimes, so unfair, so hard to understand.

This post is dedicated to a very wonderful April 2009 mommy.  We've never met in "real life" but have known each other for 2.5 years.  You know who you are...

I don't even know where I'm heading right now but, here it goes...

She just found out that her beautiful baby boy, growing inside her is unfortunately, not doing well.  She needs our prayers.  I get it, all those awful feelings going through her soul.  The questions, the waiting to hear an answer ...  The physical pain, almost to the point of being unbearable.  The pit in your stomach that makes you feel physically ill.  The numbness that starts the moment you hear those words... not being able to believe that this is your life, not a movie you're watching... this is my nightmare.

When it comes to my own grief, I am feeling that I am in a good place these days.  I am feeling stronger and healthier then I have in years.  Has God, helped me, lifted me, taught me, so I can pass it on?  as a friend has passed it on to me?  I guess I just have to have faith, hope, and love.  I need to pray that this special mommy finds strength in God the way I have.

If God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't he more surely care for you?  Matthew 6:30

As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you.  Isaiah 66:13

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love.  1 Corinthians 13:13 

The Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28

Dear friend,  I know you will read this at some point.  Please know, I have a heavy spot in my heart for you.  The spot right tucked in beside Mackenzie.  A place of warmth, filled with love, and the growing light of hope.

If you have a spare moment in your day, please send a prayer to heaven for her.  God will know who you are praying for...

Grief Stage One - In the Beginning

This is something I wanted to start writing about a month ago.  I received a great book from my counsellor about grief and the stages a person goes through after loosing someone.  I want to share my journey through these stages with you.  I have passed through, sometimes not to gracefully, many of these stages already.  I understand if you don't want to read about them, so skip the days I write about these stages.  I want to document them for myself, and maybe there is just one person out there that needs to know that the stages they are going through are normal.  If you are going through your own grief process, don't expect that you will follow the same path as anyone else.  Grief is so territorial, protecting it's space in your heart, mind, body and soul.

Stage One - In the Beginning

I.  PAIN- there is nothing in the world that could have prepared me for the extreme rawness of loosing a baby.  When I was laying in that hospital bed during my induction, I pictured myself going home and laying in bed for a week.  I hurt so bad that I was numb.  I didn't even know how to express the pain, I kept telling everyone, "It's OK."  I know there is no way of steering away from grief, and that the longer you wait to face it head on, the harder it may be.

II.  SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS of GRIEF - I pretty much felt like I was loosing my mind.  I felt lost, and still do sometimes.  I tried not to worry about crying in front of others.  At times, it would just hit me.  Some of the signs/symptoms of grief that I experienced were:  Exhaustion, headaches, anxiety, helplessness, so much forgetfulness, the inability to concentrate, and I was very irritable.  Like I said, there are days that I am still all of those things.  The biggest thing I noticed right off the top was the forgetfulness.  Your head is so FULL that there is no way I could remember anything.  My brain was just trying to process what was going on, I didn't retain very much for quite a while.

III. TAKING CARE of YOUR BODY - I never really had a problem with this.  I had just had a baby, but I didn't have her in my arms.  I felt like if I had Mackenzie with me when I was out and about, people would see that I had an infant, and forgo that extra "pudge" around my middle.  Seeing that I didn't have my baby, I felt like I needed to get back to my normal weight ASAP.  I did so by exercising, eating properly, and getting back to my old program.  So maybe I DID, have a problem with this?  I was ashamed of my body, because I didn't have the baby to show for the tummy I had.  This was rough.  Coming home from the hospital, trying to find something to where to my daughter's funeral...

IV.  ACCEPTING the REALITY of DEATH - I do feel like I've accepted this reality.  I feel like we really tried to from the very beginning.  On the way to that emergency ultrasound, I prayed to God "Please, just be with me, what ever your will is for my baby.  Help me handle this."  When that radiologist said the words, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this..."  I had God's answer, and I knew He would hold me in His arms.  Jeff and I both told the doctors before the induction that we had faith, and that God had a different plan for our little one.  Not that we had to like the plan, but we had to accept it.

So that's Stage One.

Thankful Thursday - Mackenzie's Song

"If I Die Young"

I am so thankful for this song.  I have talked about it before I'm sure... I had heard it many times prior to Mackenzie's birth, a really catchy tune, but never had I payed attention to the lyrics.  This is the song that came on the radio after I left the hospital where Kim's baby girl, Ally, was born.  That was such a joyful, sad day for me.  The birth of a cousin, exactly 2 months after the still birth of my little angel.  I cried that day in a way that I have never cried before.  It was a different weeping then I did at Mackenzie's funeral.  Different from the tears I shed when I first heard that radiologist say, "I'm sorry to have to tell you...".  A different breakdown then what I had in "Once Upon a Child" when I picked out Mackenzie's one and only dress.

When I went to see Kim in the hospital, I knew I walking into a room where there was a very new and preciously loved and wanted little girl.  Kim and I shared every detail of our girls' lives prior to their births.  Our tummies were growing together...  I knew walking into this room would change my life in a way.  I can remember when I found the room with the right number on the door.  Do I turn around and run?  Do I go in?  What do I say?  How do I hold her baby?  Can I handle this?  I need to do this... Lord, hold me...  I knocked on the door, and a sweet voice answered, "Come on in!" 

I walked in, looked at Kim holding her infant daughter, who she fought so hard for.  She was beaming!  She radiated joy.  Kim was the complete opposite of what I was 2 months earlier...

I just burst into tears... sitting down beside her, I looked into the face of a miracle.  Kim and I sat, and we both wept.  I think we both wept for the same reasons.  The loss of my Mackenzie, the joy for her Ally, what would have bin a kinship between 2 cousins, the loss of the memories we were going to make with our babies.  Kim cried for me, and I cried for her.  I held baby Ally... Kim told me that day that she really felt that Mackenzie was Ally's angel, watching out for her.  Ally was born early, and Kim later found out, just how lucky they were...  but she really believes that Mackenzie was there protecting her cousin.

I left that hospital in tears.  I can't even explain those emotions, they're big.  They are inconceivable.  They are your worst nightmare.  They haunt you, stalk you in the silence of the day, beat you down into the depth of despair.  Those emotions are like the flood that God sent on the world to drown out all the evil and pain created.  In the end, those emotions saved me.  Those emotions kept me aware.  Aware that I was still alive, aware that I was still breathing.  You wouldn't feel that pain if the breathe was sucked out of you.

Today, I feel like Noah.  Noah sent the dove from the ark to see if there was dry land.  The dove came back with a branch in it's mouth.  Today I imagine that this is how Noah felt when he saw that dove come back with the green branch of life.  I can see the promise God sent the world, promising to never flood the world again.  I can see that rainbow.  I feel that HOPE.

Wow, have I gotten off track... funny how that works.  The song that I am so thankful for is "If I Die Young" by the Band Perry.  When I heard it as I drove away from that hospital I really heard the words for the first time, and I cried even more intensely, cause this is what I heard...

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh, uh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh well
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger,
I've never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holdin' my hand,
There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well,
I've had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (oh, uh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save 'em for a time when you're really gonna need 'em, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls

• So many things about this song reflect Mackenzie in my eyes.  She was "buried in satin", the bouquet on her casket was filled with "roses", we sent her away with the words of "Jesus Loves Me".

• "Lord make me a rainbow..." that whole verse, need I say more?

• Mackenzie did have "just enough time" to change our lives forever, to teach us... what we needed to know, about ourselves, love, and most of all faith in God.

• And maybe Mackenzie's "thoughts" are coming out here...  cause now I'm "really listening".

• She was "wearing white" and we have faith that she went to into "His Kingdom".  The reference to green and a ring... well Jeff bought me an emerald and diamond ring in Mackenzie's memory a week after she was born.

• Her daddy did "put on his best", she wasn't wearing "pearls" but her grandparents did lay her to rest with a beautiful necklace.

• I guess you could say we try to "save our tears".  And we really did use them when Jeff's cousin was tragically killed.

This song will always have such special meaning to me.  I haven't heard it in a while, have you?  Tell me what you thought of it.



Friday Night Leftovers

I stole this title from a friend, because this is a left over I need to get off my chest...

A friend of mine, posted here on her December 24, 2011 post, about missing her son Brennan on Christmas.  Brennan is the heavenly baby I wrote about here, which was one of most popular posts.  Anyway, back to Brennan's mommy... she wrote about how they remembered baby Brennan at Christmas.  When she mentioned that Baby Brennan had a stocking, my heart sank.  I didn't buy Mackenzie a stocking, I didn't even think about it.  I mean we did our "own thing" and started a tradition, but what kind of parent doesn't buy their baby a stocking when everyone else in the family has one?

We didn't use our stockings this year since we were at mom and dad's on Christmas day, but they were still hanging.  There should have been four hanging there.  We do have a tradition that Jeff and I started a couple years into our relationship.  We buy Hallmark ornaments for one another.  We did buy Mackenzie one, but I wish I would have put it in her stocking...

We also took Mackenzie a Christmas tree.  Brennan's mommy took a picture of his bear in front of the Christmas tree... I didn't even think of it.  Oh!  A little regret.  Maybe it's OK that we didn't do those things.  We can all do our remembrance differently, I know, I just wish I would have thought of it. 

I tucked away the last of the Christmas bling today, you know those random items that try to hide and our hoping to see a glimpse of summer fun?  Well, amongst those items were our stockings.  I think tomorrow when we're shopping I'm going to see if there is any Christmas decor left lurking around and snatch up a stocking, and tuck it away for Christmas's to come.

Well, if I press "POST" now, this will still make the Friday cut, and still qualify as a "Left Over"! 
Good night!  Have a great weekend.

AND GO!!!

Time is a ticking, gotta write fast!  OK, so my New Years post was supposed to be about this... (but when I sat down this came out.)

So here is what I was going to tell you almost a week ago.

I went back to work today!  Yep, after about 11 weeks off, I knew this time that I was ready.  Something just "clicked" before Christmas.  Could it have been that 2 1/2 hour counselling session?  Maybe.  Could it have been that everything went well at my family Christmas Jeff and I hosted the weekend prior to Christmas?  Maybe.  Could it have been the realization that I've been unknowingly been dealing with anxiety for a longtime and now with the right help I feel so much better?  Maybe.  Could it have been a close friend gently reminding me that I should consider going back if we are thinking of having another baby because I need to collect 600 working hours in the last 52 weeks prior to qualifying for maternity leave.  Maybe.  Could it have been a combination of all these things.  Most likely they were all a big factor.

I think, for me, a big part of it was just getting there.  I don't know what or where there is, but I guess I found it.  I just feel like I'm in a good spot right now.  I've actually been telling people that i feel better now then i have in years.  Yes, I most likely suffered from postpartum depression after having Anna.  But how was I supposed to know?  I was a first time mom,  I thought cranky, moody, tired, no motivation, and not wanting to see people or leave the house was normal...  If you are a new mom or a second time mom, don't be afraid to talk to your doctor and ask questions.

I don't feel so edgy anymore.  If you don't believe me, ask my husband.  I am no longer a train wreck waiting to explode cause it's leaking some hazardous chemical.  I am a mom, I am a wife, I am a daughter, I am friend, I am an auntie, I am a coworker...  I honestly couldn't have said that even a month ago.  I just didn't know where I was, and i definitely wasn't there!

They say after you have suffered a traumatic loss, you never go back to the "old" you.  That's true.  I also read that only you have the opportunity to make the "new" you better then the "old" you.  That kind of hit me.  I feel like I am a better version of myself after the year I've been through.  I survived THAT!  I pulled through with my family intact, with my marriage coming out stronger, and with love for my daughters that I can't even begin to explain.  I waded through the darkest hours that I believe any of us can go through.  Yes, there were days that I stepped a little to far, and almost drown.  But those days led a little closer to the days that brought the shallow water, when I could feel the sunlight on almost my entire body. 

You need to come thisclose in order to come out with a new vision.  A new vision of what's important in life.  A new vision for your family, and a new vision of yourself. 

I like the "new" me.  That new Tyann Catherine Erikssen includes being the mother of two daughters, one here on earth and one in God's arms in heaven.  This is the hardest type of mom to be - not being able to see that sweet face grow and change, not hearing her laughter and seeing her smile.  But I do have the "best of both worlds", I have an angel with me everyday that I get to sing to, laugh with, smile with, share life with, and I have an angel in heaven that will be waiting to greet her Mommy when God calls me home.

Well, my times up, gotta hit the hay by 9pm if you plan on getting up at 4:50 am.

Bring on the New Year and New Beginnings!

I have never been more excited to say "goodbye" to a year as I was last night.  I'm done with 2011.  A year full of emotion, love, loss, smiles and tears.  To me 2012 means a whole new beginning.  I have not taken any of that "bad stuff" with me into 2012.  I am not saying I have left those memories behind, but am going to only take the positive out of the hard times.

We lost Jeff's Grandma Mary last January.  From her I learnt that a little bit of tradition is fun and just having family around gives you strength.

Our precious little Mackenzie Mary was born in to the arms of God May 21, 2011.  From my little girl's short life, only lived inside my womb, I have learnt so much.  I've learnt about love, God, the power of prayer, the grace of the Holy Spirit, the comfort of Jesus, the love of family, friends and neighbors.  Mackenzie taught me so much about myself, my marriage, my husband, her sister Anna, how to really be a mom, and one of the hardest lessons - how to ask for help.

How is it that a life so timid and quiet could make such an impact?  Is it because I listen to her?  Because I've let her lead me to be the person I am meant to be?  I guess I won't know, until I meet her again.  Some people say we leave this earth when we have fulfilled out life's purpose... my little angel's purpose must have been to show us what is important in life.  I don't want to be remembered for the car I drive, the house I live in, or even the clothes I wear.  I don't care how much money we have or any of that stuff.  Mackenzie's precious life proved to me that none of that stuff would have changed anything.  Would God have decided to change the path of her life because we could bring her home to a castle?  I really doubt it. 

Mackenzie you saved me.  You saved me from myself in so many ways.  You made me and daddy stronger.  Stronger in our marriage, stronger in our faith, stronger as parents.  Thank you!

We had a third tragic loss in 2011.  Jeff's cousin, as close to a brother he'd ever have, was sent to God so unexpectedly.  Some would say this could have been our "breaking point", and believe me, many days it did feel that way.  What Jim really taught us was to "Always make good choices".  NEVER NEVER leave each other before reconciling over what ever we may have been disagreeing over.  Life is to short.  Jim and his beautiful wife have taught us to live life to the fullest, everyday is a gift.  LOVE LOVE LOVE!  Jim and his bride of over 20 years are so in love.  I can still see it in her eyes.

It was with this third tragic loss that we actually were able to talk about Mackenzie.  Not that we never did, but actually talk about her in a deeper way.  On the way home from Jim's memorial we talked about how we both pictured Jim, who loved kids, bouncing our little girl on his knee, her giggling with delight.

So, it is hard to believe that it's been a year.  It'll be a year this week, that I went for my ultra sound...  Much of the past year is a blur to me.  I know there is so much that is lost in the fog.  Maybe that's God's way of protecting me from the memories of some really dark times.  The events that I do recall more vividly are happy days.

I pray that 2012 is a year full of bright colours, beautiful memories and new beginnings.

Happy New Year everyone!

A Wonderful Christmas

Just a little note to say, we are having a wonder Christmas. 

Last night we went to church "back home" with mom and dad.  Anna was so cute.  The church where I grew up is HUGE!!!  I think the alter of my home town church is as big as our precious Trinity.  You may even be able to fit 6-8 Trinity's into this beautiful building.  Anyway, we always sit on a side aisle.  Anna loves the music at any church.  She always comes to me to lift her up as soon as the organist/pianist hits that first note.  She stands on the back of the bench in front of us and sways to the music and "sings" along.  Last night she'd even go into the side aisle and twirl and dance.  She was quiet, but I'm sure she still made her presence known.  Can't miss that angelic face and those pinchable dimples...

When Dad went up to do collection she was concerned that he was gone.  Before anyone could catch her she took off down the long aisle to the back of the church looking for him.  Pretty sure no one noticed... yah right.  Then she has to go to the bathroom... and when I'm washing my hands takes off in her usual trot (yes, just like a horse) to the bench.  My grade one teacher stopped as I tried to catch up to Anna to tell me how sweet she was.

After the service was over we went to the front to see the "baby Jesus" house.  There were candles all around, and since the local children had sang "Happy Birthday Jesus", she just had to blow out those candles.  But she kinda singed her hair...  She also fed the angel that I used to feed as a little girl.  This angel was purchased my Anna's great great grandfather, Henry, for the church many years ago.  The angel holds a little sachet that you can drop coins into.  As you drop the coins in, she nods her head in thanks.

Mackenzie was with us in church.  We often find her with us during special times.  How do we know?  Usually through small acts of God.  Like Anna catching the smallest rainbow made by the sun shinning through a piece of glass just right, or like tonight in the priest's sermon.  He talked about a little boy who sung to his unborn sister in his mommy's tummy.  When the little girl was born with complications the doctors didn't want the little boy in the NICU.  His mom demanded he be allowed in to sing to his sister.  What did he sing?  none other then "You are My Sunshine."  Father read the words out loud and I heard my mom gasp behind me.  I looked up at Jeff.  You see, I sung that song to Anna not always every night.  But since Mackenzie was born EVERY NIGHT.  We actually sing two versions, "You are My Sunshine" and "You are My Rainbow".  Anna requested the later sometime after we started seeing Mackenzie as our little rainbow.

I know to non believers this seems silly.  But I believe.  I believe that God has a way to comfort me.  I believe that Mackenzie has a way of being with us.  I believe she will always be with us, where ever we go, we just have to watch.  I believe in Hope.  I believe that one day, we will celebrate Christmas with our little daughter Mackenzie.  A Christmas that she'll be visible to us.  A Christmas where we can hug and kiss her again.  I believe that she is looking down on us from Heaven above.  I hope she's proud of her mommy and daddy.  I hope she finds joy in her big sister's fun loving spirit.  I don't need to hope she's safe, because I believe our Father holds her in His arms.

Merry Christmas!