AND GO!!!

Time is a ticking, gotta write fast!  OK, so my New Years post was supposed to be about this... (but when I sat down this came out.)

So here is what I was going to tell you almost a week ago.

I went back to work today!  Yep, after about 11 weeks off, I knew this time that I was ready.  Something just "clicked" before Christmas.  Could it have been that 2 1/2 hour counselling session?  Maybe.  Could it have been that everything went well at my family Christmas Jeff and I hosted the weekend prior to Christmas?  Maybe.  Could it have been the realization that I've been unknowingly been dealing with anxiety for a longtime and now with the right help I feel so much better?  Maybe.  Could it have been a close friend gently reminding me that I should consider going back if we are thinking of having another baby because I need to collect 600 working hours in the last 52 weeks prior to qualifying for maternity leave.  Maybe.  Could it have been a combination of all these things.  Most likely they were all a big factor.

I think, for me, a big part of it was just getting there.  I don't know what or where there is, but I guess I found it.  I just feel like I'm in a good spot right now.  I've actually been telling people that i feel better now then i have in years.  Yes, I most likely suffered from postpartum depression after having Anna.  But how was I supposed to know?  I was a first time mom,  I thought cranky, moody, tired, no motivation, and not wanting to see people or leave the house was normal...  If you are a new mom or a second time mom, don't be afraid to talk to your doctor and ask questions.

I don't feel so edgy anymore.  If you don't believe me, ask my husband.  I am no longer a train wreck waiting to explode cause it's leaking some hazardous chemical.  I am a mom, I am a wife, I am a daughter, I am friend, I am an auntie, I am a coworker...  I honestly couldn't have said that even a month ago.  I just didn't know where I was, and i definitely wasn't there!

They say after you have suffered a traumatic loss, you never go back to the "old" you.  That's true.  I also read that only you have the opportunity to make the "new" you better then the "old" you.  That kind of hit me.  I feel like I am a better version of myself after the year I've been through.  I survived THAT!  I pulled through with my family intact, with my marriage coming out stronger, and with love for my daughters that I can't even begin to explain.  I waded through the darkest hours that I believe any of us can go through.  Yes, there were days that I stepped a little to far, and almost drown.  But those days led a little closer to the days that brought the shallow water, when I could feel the sunlight on almost my entire body. 

You need to come thisclose in order to come out with a new vision.  A new vision of what's important in life.  A new vision for your family, and a new vision of yourself. 

I like the "new" me.  That new Tyann Catherine Erikssen includes being the mother of two daughters, one here on earth and one in God's arms in heaven.  This is the hardest type of mom to be - not being able to see that sweet face grow and change, not hearing her laughter and seeing her smile.  But I do have the "best of both worlds", I have an angel with me everyday that I get to sing to, laugh with, smile with, share life with, and I have an angel in heaven that will be waiting to greet her Mommy when God calls me home.

Well, my times up, gotta hit the hay by 9pm if you plan on getting up at 4:50 am.