Thankful Thursday - Everything's Coming Up Roses

Well almost everything!!! 

I'm Thankful for:

• The fact that Anna got "Polka Dots" this past weekend. God has a mysterious way of working.  I was trying to find a way to go in to the walk in clinic to see my Doctor.  Of course walk in at our clinic is only open in the morning and I'm at work.  However, I needed to make sure Anna didn't have something contagious that I could take to work.  So I left my boss a message that I'd come in late (also thankful for a position that doesn't interrupt anyone else) and took her to the doctor... therefore getting the chance to talk to him about my uncertainties.

• That my doctor agreed that it was in my best interest to go back on my medication... so hopefully I'm feeling better soon!

• Mackenzie's Rose, the pictures really don't do it justice.  There are almost 30 roses on it right now from buds to full blooms.

• That harvest is going really well - we help Jeff's parents with harvest, well I don't do much during the week, especially since it seems Anna has an allergy to canola...

• My handsome, hardworking hubby.  Jeff works from 7 a.m. - 5 p.m. and way later some days, and right now he's been going to the farm after work and helping with harvest too.

• My little big girl, Anna - that face says it all.

• For the people who have stepped forward to write post #100!!!  Yes, there are numerous intriguing writers who have me sitting on pins and needles!  I can't wait to share!!  If you want to contribute it's not to late!!!  Let me know!

Mommy's Day

I was wanting to check in sooner with how my mother's day went, but life's been busy, so here it is...

I woke up to a little girl kissing my cheek at 10:30 a.m.  Yahoo!  I slept it!!!

Then I went for a run/jog/walk.  I wanted to spend a little time on my own, and a little Mackenzie time.  I jogged/walked the 8kms to the little church cemetery where Mackenzie is laid to rest.  I had my phone with me, so when I arrived I was able to play her song.  I also took a couple pictures with my phone.

Jeff and Anna picked me up and we headed to see grandma at the farm.  We visited with Grandma and helped her with a couple things.  We invited her out for supper.  We all got dressed up and went to supper, grandpa joined us there.  We all had such a nice time!!!  and Anna was very well behaved.

Originally it was suggested that we go to the golf course Sunday morning for breakfast.  I told everyone that i didn't want to go and that this year I was going to do what I wanted to do for Mother's Day.  I am so happy that I did.  I enjoyed the day and spent it with people i love.

My weekend wasn't all bliss.  Saturday I was very emotional...  I think the anticipation of the next day just go to me.  I cried off and on through the day.  I did get Mackenzie's shadow box completed, until the pieces came unglued!!!  So once I get it put back together I will show you.

When I showed Anna the shadow box, she gave a huge sigh and clasped her hands in front of her, saying "Oh I love it!!!"  Then she kissed it.  Well, of course that made me cry!  All day Anna was consoling me and bringing me "Mackenzie bear" to make me feel better.  I'm so lucky to have her.  Lucky to be a mom.  Lucky to have an angel.

birthday blue

Well, I feel like you've been waiting forever to read something new from me.  So here we go...

I recently had a birthday, my 29th.

When you become an adult, birthdays really aren't all that grand.  This year was no exception.  I worked and it was just another regular work day.  I nice friend in the kitchen insisted I have a cookie for my birthday, so how could a girl resist?  My work day went just fine, and even had a great chat with a friend about loss... I picked up Anna and we headed for home.  On the way home I just started to feel very sad.

I'm sure I've mentioned in the last few weeks how this time of year, between Anna's and Mackenzie's birthdays is so very imprinted in full color in my memory.  I don't really know why, but there are just so many events.  I remember on my birthday last year, my friend Keltie and I went for a really long walk (7 kms) in town.  By the time we got back to our cars I was really sore.  I could barely walk when i went to Jeff's parents' for supper!  But we had such a good visit, Keltie and I.  Anyway, I remember talking about, and thinking numerous times through out the day, that next year on my birthday we would gave a 10.5 month old! 

Going back to my drive home...  I was recalling all those memories. I don't have my 10.5 year old...  Birthdays at our house are all about family and friends.  I wasn't going to spend the night with my whole family, I always feel like someone is missing.  And she is.  I asked Anna if she thought we should stop and visit Mackenzie's rose (the cemetery) on our way home.  She said no.  I was disappointed but I wasn't going to stop if she didn't want to.  However, as we approached the church she said, "Stop, let's see Mackenzie's rose."  I was relieved, feeling like that would be the only way i could spend a small moment of my birthday with both my beautiful daughters.  

I completely lost it.  I just stood there and bawled.  We didn't stay that long cause Anna was cold...  I cried on the way home and at home.  Anna gave me lots of hugs and kisses, and she knew I was upset.  I was also so irritable.  I was on the verge of an anxiety attack all afternoon.  I hate that feeling.  That's how I felt during Mackenzie's pregnancy day in and day out.  When I get like that I just need to be left alone and do my thing, however, I have a beautiful 3 year old, so that's not possible.  I called my mom.  That helped a bit, and I tried some friends to, but they weren't home.

Jeff finally got home just after five.  I told him he needed to go get Subway for supper because I needed some alone time.  He didn't protest... maybe cause he loves Subway, maybe because he knows the end result if I don't get to compose myself.  So off he and Anna went.  They even stopped and washed my Jeep waste more time.  Honestly if I could have just crawled into a dark hole, I would have.  Instead I cleaned!  So at least the house benefited.

I hate that I felt this way on my birthday.
I hate that I felt like i had to go to the cemetery to spend time with my baby on my birthday.
I hate that I sent my loved ones out of the house because I was loosing control.
I hate that I remember last years' birthday so vividly.
I hate that I felt so much better the next day because it wasn't my birthday.

My birthday was just another special occasion that Mackenzie's laugh wasn't heard at.  That we didn't witness her smiles.  I bet she would have been crawling and really close to walking.  On my birthday, she would have worn a cute little dress, and tried a little cake.

I'm happy that we celebrated my birthday with Jeff's parent's a couple days before the day.  I wouldn't have done well on the actual day at their house.  It takes a lot of energy to keep your composure outside of your home and comfort zone.  I don't want to keep burdening people with my grief.  I don't want to keep agonizing them over it.  SO I sit here, lost in my thoughts of last year, and what I wished this year would have been.

Next up is Mother's Day... ugh...

Wordless Wednesday - Anna's 3rd Birthday and Easter!

I know these aren't in order, but someone is crying on my lap so it's time to go!  Hope you enjoyed them anyway!!

What Anna's Saying These Days

Ok, I will admit, I stole this post idea from The Tompkin's Family

Some of Anna's favourite sayings right now are:

very cute dress and cardi made by Rylee's talented mom

"I'm ok, I'm ok"
said after a fall, bump, head bump etc.

"I'm done crying now!"
she wails from behind her bedroom door, when she wants to come out of time out.  Not that she was being bad, she is an angel.

"I love it!"
said while she eats ice cream at Grandma and Grandpa's

We don't keep ice cream in our house cause well,

 some people have no self control.  A great treat at Grandma's!

"That's Grandpa's flashlight!"
said when someone touches grandpa's special flash light at the farm.  This is followed by her trying to grab the flash light from whomever is unlawfully touching it.

"We going to Joycee's?!"
stated every morning as we drive into town right before I drop her off at daycare.

"It's wakey wakey time!"
said on mornings, usually Saturdays, when I don't have to wake her up, but she gets to wake me.

"I don't want to bath!"
enough said.

"I want a snack!"
Ugg, honestly one of the first things she says in the morning...

"I got to make a stinky!"
proceeded by a trip to the bathroom where she states,

"It's not ready yet!"
stated every time we get to the bathroom and repeat the two above a dozen times, and then the one us mom's love to hear,

"I made a stinky..."
whispered quietly, because the stinky is, you guessed it, not in the potty.

"I want to go to the other Grandpa and Grandma's"
said when my mom and dad haven't visited or we have been to their place for a longtime.

"I can't walk!"
Ugg!!!  said way to often when she thinks I should carry her.

All ready for church yesterday.

"Time to go see Mackenzie's rose."

said as she tugs on my arm, leading me out of the church, immediately after service, and to the resting place or her baby sister.  She hasn't missed a Sunday after service visit yet!

Shades of pink...

I've been thinking of you...  my loyal readers.  I've "out" for a bit.  I have had some computer problems, and life just hasn't given the chance to compose my thoughts enough to write.

I'm frustrated... mostly with my body.  We seem to hit every wall possible when it comes to adding to our family.  Should I be surprised?  I guess not.  Should I be worried?  I guess not.  It's all out of my control.  I hate not knowing what's going on, cause I'm a bit of a control freak...  but God knows, He has a plan, He is in control.  I was reminded of that yesterday by someone close to me... and then I realised that I haven't been trusting Him lately.

It's hard for me to "throw caution to the wind", and just let go of everything.  I really struggle with that.  I'm trying to just let life happen... cause in the end it doesn't matter what I want, cause I don't have control.

Well, that's not what I set out to tell you about, well I guess in a way.  But what I was going to say is, I'm painting Anna's room.  "Yah, big deal!"  you say.  To me it is.  It's been a nice green shade that I developed on my own when i was working in a hardware store mixing paint.  I was fooling around with a mistint and got a beautiful, one of a kind shade of green.  So, I used it in our then "spare room", knowing it would be a great color for a baby's room one day.  I was thinking of repainting it over a year ago, but figured i would wait til "the new baby" baby came.  There's where that "I have no control" thing comes in again.  I would have repainted for Anna and Mackenzie a girly color.  Had we had a boy to bring home i would have repainted in a neutral color. 

I've been back to that hardware store, where i used to work, about 100 times trying to find the perfect color.  I was going neutral cause "what if we have another baby someday... and it's a boy."  I told Kim today that I really wanted pink, she said "Go for it!"  I figured, why not???  maybe I can just jinx myself into getting pregnant by painting her room...  LOL!

So we're going to use a shade of pink called, Ballerina.  It's very soft.  I hope Anna loves it.  I'm glad Kim urged me to go pink.  Anna is the child God gave me here on earth, and she should get a girly room, cause i don't have control over the future, and therefore have no idea if/when we may need to spend another $30 on a can of neutral paint.

So yes, I saw Kim today!  I took over all of Anna's 9-18 months clothes.  Kim put little Ally in a little outfit I bought over.  She looked so darn cute, Ally brought tears to my eyes.  I couldn't help but hold her tight against my heart and cuddle her.  Looking at Ally, I feel like I'm seeing just a tiny piece of my angel.  Kim asked me later, if it was a hard day, seeing Ally in Anna' clothes,,, that I could have put Mackenzie in.   It was, but it wasn't.  I don't know how to explain that.  I told Kim, I see Ally and think of our angel in heaven, but Ally is our little angel here, on earth.  I feel like I see just a little sparkle in Ally's eyes that glimmers just for me, a little piece of her guardian angel, Mackenzie.

These have been hard days again.  I can't really pinpoint everything, but I think the unknown circumstances within my own body, are the bricks that seem to be falling off the wall.  I feel like that wall was getting stronger and stronger, but with one small blow after another, the wall is faltering again. 

Lord, you are my shepherd.  I shall not want.

You make me to lie down in green pastures.

You lead me beside the still waters.

Psalm 23:1-2

Wordless Wednesday - A Little Sunshine

We just had Anna's pictures taken for her 3rd birthday.  Here's a little sneak preview.

 All pictures were taken by the wonderful Ashley Flaade at Vivid Photography!  If you are ever in the area or live out here, go see her for some great photos!

Heart Ache and Rainbows

Our hearts are aching.  The mommas of April 2009 have broken hearts.  We've suffered the loss of another preciously loved baby.  His name is Jacob Christian.  He was born on Friday morning.  He's a little prince, wrapped in arms of love.  For women who've never met, except for a few, we really are tight, we come together to support each other during the worst times.  This was one of those times...

Jacob's mommy has always been a friend that I was intrigued by.  Someone I wanted to get to know a lot better.  Neither of us knew some 3 years and 6 months ago, when we first met that we get to know each other in the most heart breaking way two women can.  We've both released our most precious angels to heaven.  It was not our choice, and that didn't make it any easier.  You don't get to say, "No, I don't want my baby to go now."  It's just the way God plans it.  But actually letting that precious little life be given over to the trust of our Lord is a difficult burden that I can't not describe.  There are not words intense enough to write or speak that would come close to the pain a mommy and daddy feel in these tumultuously beautiful moments in life.  Beautiful?  Yes, in some ways, yes...

These are the moments you see your husband in a mirror that is so perfect it is almost jaded.  As a loving parent you have no control over your emotions when you surrender a child to God.  Seeing the emotions in your spouses face, eyes, and soul... is gut wrenching, but beautiful.

Life is tainted now... to anyone who has suffered the loss of a child, don't think you have to go back to normal.  This is a new normal.  The pain will fade a little, I know I had a hard time believing that too.  But it does hurt a tiny bit less. Yes, some day in the far off future your life will find a new routine of sorts.  A routine that revolves around the "what if"S and memories of a dainty little girl or handsome little boy that will never see the blue of the sky, the green of the grass, and the sparkle of a new fallen snow.  The beautiful eyes of these angels will never see the rainbows...

I was honoured to be able to share some of these moments with such a beautiful, loving mommy.  She called me the night before her son was born.  I listened, we cried.  I let her know that everything she was feeling is OK.  That no one can tell her what she is doing is wrong.  When it was time to go I told her, "Breathe, that's all you can do... breathe.  I love you."

My heart hurt all weekend, until I was updated.  I had wished when we all first found out that baby Jacob was going to heaven that Mackenzie would be there.  I was sad that I didn't see her shining brilliantly in the sky on Friday, it was overcast.  However, on the way to work Anna told me twice, "Look mommy!  My rainbow!  It's back!  It's here!"  I scanned the sky and the skyline, sometimes Anna thinks the brilliant colors of a sunrise our rainbows... I found no rainbow and no colors from the sun, that was hidden amongst the clouds.  Both times I asked Anna, "Where Anna?"  and both times she pointed through the front window of the Jeep, exclaiming, "Right there mommy!!  My rainbow is right there!  See it?!" 

I never saw those rainbows on Friday.  I only put two and two together last night, that Anna had to have seen something only the innocent eyes of a child could see.  Mackenzie was with us, and I know she was with Jacob... welcoming him home.

Tiny, precious rainbows that were with Dannie

 on vacation in BC.  February 22, 2012

A gorgeous bold rainbow paying Heather T. a visit.

Abbotsford, BC  February 22, 2012

Wordless Wednesday - Skiing!

Kimmy, Anna and I

cousins - Anna, Nathan and Dylan

Anna giving baby Ally loves

Precious baby Ally!

Thank you to our wonderful neighbor, Laurie, for taking the really nice pictures (the first 6). 

Great job Laurie!