Heart Ache and Rainbows

Our hearts are aching.  The mommas of April 2009 have broken hearts.  We've suffered the loss of another preciously loved baby.  His name is Jacob Christian.  He was born on Friday morning.  He's a little prince, wrapped in arms of love.  For women who've never met, except for a few, we really are tight, we come together to support each other during the worst times.  This was one of those times...

Jacob's mommy has always been a friend that I was intrigued by.  Someone I wanted to get to know a lot better.  Neither of us knew some 3 years and 6 months ago, when we first met that we get to know each other in the most heart breaking way two women can.  We've both released our most precious angels to heaven.  It was not our choice, and that didn't make it any easier.  You don't get to say, "No, I don't want my baby to go now."  It's just the way God plans it.  But actually letting that precious little life be given over to the trust of our Lord is a difficult burden that I can't not describe.  There are not words intense enough to write or speak that would come close to the pain a mommy and daddy feel in these tumultuously beautiful moments in life.  Beautiful?  Yes, in some ways, yes...

These are the moments you see your husband in a mirror that is so perfect it is almost jaded.  As a loving parent you have no control over your emotions when you surrender a child to God.  Seeing the emotions in your spouses face, eyes, and soul... is gut wrenching, but beautiful.

Life is tainted now... to anyone who has suffered the loss of a child, don't think you have to go back to normal.  This is a new normal.  The pain will fade a little, I know I had a hard time believing that too.  But it does hurt a tiny bit less. Yes, some day in the far off future your life will find a new routine of sorts.  A routine that revolves around the "what if"S and memories of a dainty little girl or handsome little boy that will never see the blue of the sky, the green of the grass, and the sparkle of a new fallen snow.  The beautiful eyes of these angels will never see the rainbows...

I was honoured to be able to share some of these moments with such a beautiful, loving mommy.  She called me the night before her son was born.  I listened, we cried.  I let her know that everything she was feeling is OK.  That no one can tell her what she is doing is wrong.  When it was time to go I told her, "Breathe, that's all you can do... breathe.  I love you."

My heart hurt all weekend, until I was updated.  I had wished when we all first found out that baby Jacob was going to heaven that Mackenzie would be there.  I was sad that I didn't see her shining brilliantly in the sky on Friday, it was overcast.  However, on the way to work Anna told me twice, "Look mommy!  My rainbow!  It's back!  It's here!"  I scanned the sky and the skyline, sometimes Anna thinks the brilliant colors of a sunrise our rainbows... I found no rainbow and no colors from the sun, that was hidden amongst the clouds.  Both times I asked Anna, "Where Anna?"  and both times she pointed through the front window of the Jeep, exclaiming, "Right there mommy!!  My rainbow is right there!  See it?!" 

I never saw those rainbows on Friday.  I only put two and two together last night, that Anna had to have seen something only the innocent eyes of a child could see.  Mackenzie was with us, and I know she was with Jacob... welcoming him home.

Tiny, precious rainbows that were with Dannie

 on vacation in BC.  February 22, 2012

A gorgeous bold rainbow paying Heather T. a visit.

Abbotsford, BC  February 22, 2012

Yellow Skin

Sorry I haven't been around much lately.  I've been really enjoying life, and keeping busy with my family, work and exercise (got back to running/jogging).

So here's where we're at:

My mother in law has been stating to me for quite some time (over a year) that my skin is very yellow.  I kept brushing it off.  Well, I finally mentioned it to my doctor in early December, so we did some blood work.  First round everything came back normal, kidney functions, liver functions... etc.  So we did more blood work so we did another round the following week.  My wonderful doctor left me a message that my beta carotene levels were 10.6.  He stated that "normal" is between 1-5!  YIKES!  He had given me an article from a medical magazine about yellow skin and it suggested the beta carotene's could be high because of my diet.  So in his message he said to take a look at what I'm eating.  So to make a long story short, I figured out after about a week that it wasn't my diet buy a vitamin type supplement that I was taking.  I went in to see the doctor again, and he had another doctor sit in on my appointment for a consult.  They both said that it is rare to see an adult have that high of beta carotene levels and that it's usually young ones, who eat to many carrots when first starting solids, who we see with orange noses.  They were both a concerned.  I showed them the supplement I was taking and they both told me to stop taking it immediately and it was definitely part of/the cause of the problem.  Turns out each capsule has 1.8 mg of beta carotene and  I was taking 4 a day.  Seems like my body can't handle that much, and my liver and kidneys can't process it fast enough.

So I stopped taking the supplement right after that appointment.  A few weeks ago my mom called.  She told me that she had been doing some research.  She asked if I remembered that she had "hemochromatosis".  I didn't recognize that word at all.  She went on to explain that it is a type of liver disease that is "Unfortunately, Neonatal Hemochromatosis is usually deadly to the fetus (unborn baby) or if born alive, kills the baby in the first weeks or months of the baby's life due to complications of the toxic amounts of iron in the baby's body.   A liver transplant can, in some cases, save the baby's life and/or a combination of special drugs.  Occasionally, a baby will "overcome" the effects of NH and survive without a liver transplant.  It is imperative that the baby is treated by physicians familiar with the disease or physicians willing to consult with experts familiar with this disease.  A woman may have one or more healthy children in her life before having an NH baby.  A woman can have a healthy child after an NH baby, however, the risk of a woman having another NH baby after having her first NH baby is greater than 80%.  The good news is that new research has provided a treatment for such women who become pregnant again permitting them to have a healthy baby in the future.  More information on this miraculous treatment appears on this web site."  http://www.neonatalhemochromatosis.org/

Hmmm.. That's interesting isn't it?  I told mom I don't "need" a reason for the loss of my daughter, but I do need to know that it won't happen again.  The truth is, as I contemplate all these new findings, that a little insight into what may have happened is good...

Mom, was out here this past week.  I drug her to the walk in clinic to see my doctor.  I had recently had my beta carotene levels checked and wanted the results and I needed to ask him about this hemochromatosis.  We waited about 2 1/2 hours, but the staff know I'll wait to see my doctor instead of someone else.  There is just to much history to go over if I see a different doctor.  He gave me my new beta carotene level , 9.1.  So it has come down 1.5 in about 45 days.  Good??  I guess so?!  seems slow, and he said it could take a year or more.

Then I asked him what he knew about hemochromatosis.  I told him mom had it.  He looked at us in a kinda of stunned way.  This liver disease is genetic.  It can lie dormant in you and then become active, explains why mom had 3 healthy kids.  So I asked if I could be tested, and he said "Yes, you definately have to be tested."  I told him that I had googled it, and that I did read that it is fatal to babies of pregnant mommies.  And he nodded and said "yes".   Just before we left he said, "I didn't realize that your mom had this."  And I told him not to worry about it, it's not anyone's fault, cause I didn't realize it either.  Mom had told me to get tested when she was diagnonsed... but I was in college, more worried about exams and project due dates...

So I did more blood work.  I will know mid-week some results, like iron levels.  The major test gets sent to Edmonton for genetic testing, those results will a couple weeks.

Maybe I don't have this problem, maybe that's now what happened to Mackenzie.  And that's ok.  Even if I do have it, I will never really know what happened because we didn't put our little angel through any testing.  What I do know is that I was blessed by God to have such a precious, beautiful little daughter with me for 38 weeks in my womb.  I know that Mackenzie has forever changed my life, and that she is with me everyday.  For example, someone saw a rainbow at work today... if that rainbow was created in the way the kitchen aid poored stuff into a slop bucket or not, it was a rainbow.   Mackenzie has given me hope.

I know, that our Mackenzie was called by God, to watch over us in heaven, and that she has served a tremendous purpose in this world.

Thankful Thursday - Mackenzie's Song

"If I Die Young"

I am so thankful for this song.  I have talked about it before I'm sure... I had heard it many times prior to Mackenzie's birth, a really catchy tune, but never had I payed attention to the lyrics.  This is the song that came on the radio after I left the hospital where Kim's baby girl, Ally, was born.  That was such a joyful, sad day for me.  The birth of a cousin, exactly 2 months after the still birth of my little angel.  I cried that day in a way that I have never cried before.  It was a different weeping then I did at Mackenzie's funeral.  Different from the tears I shed when I first heard that radiologist say, "I'm sorry to have to tell you...".  A different breakdown then what I had in "Once Upon a Child" when I picked out Mackenzie's one and only dress.

When I went to see Kim in the hospital, I knew I walking into a room where there was a very new and preciously loved and wanted little girl.  Kim and I shared every detail of our girls' lives prior to their births.  Our tummies were growing together...  I knew walking into this room would change my life in a way.  I can remember when I found the room with the right number on the door.  Do I turn around and run?  Do I go in?  What do I say?  How do I hold her baby?  Can I handle this?  I need to do this... Lord, hold me...  I knocked on the door, and a sweet voice answered, "Come on in!" 

I walked in, looked at Kim holding her infant daughter, who she fought so hard for.  She was beaming!  She radiated joy.  Kim was the complete opposite of what I was 2 months earlier...

I just burst into tears... sitting down beside her, I looked into the face of a miracle.  Kim and I sat, and we both wept.  I think we both wept for the same reasons.  The loss of my Mackenzie, the joy for her Ally, what would have bin a kinship between 2 cousins, the loss of the memories we were going to make with our babies.  Kim cried for me, and I cried for her.  I held baby Ally... Kim told me that day that she really felt that Mackenzie was Ally's angel, watching out for her.  Ally was born early, and Kim later found out, just how lucky they were...  but she really believes that Mackenzie was there protecting her cousin.

I left that hospital in tears.  I can't even explain those emotions, they're big.  They are inconceivable.  They are your worst nightmare.  They haunt you, stalk you in the silence of the day, beat you down into the depth of despair.  Those emotions are like the flood that God sent on the world to drown out all the evil and pain created.  In the end, those emotions saved me.  Those emotions kept me aware.  Aware that I was still alive, aware that I was still breathing.  You wouldn't feel that pain if the breathe was sucked out of you.

Today, I feel like Noah.  Noah sent the dove from the ark to see if there was dry land.  The dove came back with a branch in it's mouth.  Today I imagine that this is how Noah felt when he saw that dove come back with the green branch of life.  I can see the promise God sent the world, promising to never flood the world again.  I can see that rainbow.  I feel that HOPE.

Wow, have I gotten off track... funny how that works.  The song that I am so thankful for is "If I Die Young" by the Band Perry.  When I heard it as I drove away from that hospital I really heard the words for the first time, and I cried even more intensely, cause this is what I heard...

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh, uh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh well
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger,
I've never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holdin' my hand,
There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well,
I've had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (oh, uh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save 'em for a time when you're really gonna need 'em, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls

• So many things about this song reflect Mackenzie in my eyes.  She was "buried in satin", the bouquet on her casket was filled with "roses", we sent her away with the words of "Jesus Loves Me".

• "Lord make me a rainbow..." that whole verse, need I say more?

• Mackenzie did have "just enough time" to change our lives forever, to teach us... what we needed to know, about ourselves, love, and most of all faith in God.

• And maybe Mackenzie's "thoughts" are coming out here...  cause now I'm "really listening".

• She was "wearing white" and we have faith that she went to into "His Kingdom".  The reference to green and a ring... well Jeff bought me an emerald and diamond ring in Mackenzie's memory a week after she was born.

• Her daddy did "put on his best", she wasn't wearing "pearls" but her grandparents did lay her to rest with a beautiful necklace.

• I guess you could say we try to "save our tears".  And we really did use them when Jeff's cousin was tragically killed.

This song will always have such special meaning to me.  I haven't heard it in a while, have you?  Tell me what you thought of it.



Perfect Wings

So you read my  Friday Night Leftovers.  I was in a pit of turmoil about Mackenzie needing a stocking.

We went shopping on Saturday.  I hit the deals big time!!!  I love a good deal.  SStore had all their Christmas beauty on sale for 90% OFF!!!!  So I got wrapping paper, pine cones, Christmas balls, 104 Christmas cards, 4 wicker baskets, and 11 (yes I said ELEVEN!) rolls of wrapping paper for $12.00!  Original price $120.00.  I love a deal.

This post is not about my deal, I just had to share cause it's so exciting! 

We also went to Walmart.  I was looking at laptops, I need a new PC cause this dino is just not cutting it.  I would blog more if I could load pictures quicker and it didn't take FOREVER!  Anyway, Anna was starting to fall asleep, so I carried her through the store on my search to find the left over Christmas glory.  I was hunting down the perfect stocking for our angel. 

And there it was, a perfectly beautiful stocking, like angel wings...

I love it!  Feathers just like perfect wings.

A special certain someone (I won't call you out), asked me why I would want a stocking for a child who is not going to be there Christmas morning, and what would I put in it?  I will put Mackenzie's "Remembrance" Hallmark ornament in her stocking every year, and Anna will open it, hang it on the tree, and we will tell her about her sister. 

Mackenzie is part of my life, she always will be with her perfect wings.

Oh, and we had a Mackenzie rainbow yesterday.  The three of us were playing outside.  When we came in I was getting Anna undressed, and there right in front of me the sunlight cast a small little rainbow on the basement floor.  I told Anna, "look there's our rainbow!"  "Rainbow!" she responded.  She bent over to try and pick it up.  As she did so, she blocked the sunlight and the rainbow disappeared for a moment.  She was a little sad, then she stepped back, "My rainbow back!"

You may think I'm crazy, but I know Mackenzie was right there with us - just out of reach.

November Rainbows

 I have placed my rainbow in the clouds.

It is the sign of my covenant with you and with all the earth. 

When I send clouds over the earth,

the rainbow will appear in the clouds, and I will remember my covenant with you and with all living creatures.

Never again will the floodwaters destroy all life.

Genesis 9:13-16

I had an awesome day today.  Started out with a playdate at the indoor playground with my best girl, Kim.  Really we call these "playdates" but us mommies get a lot out of them too!  Then lunch with by best girl and my other BFF.  In all, we were 3 mommies and 7 kids.  Yah, we took over that Killam Subway!  Watch out!

Just as I was about to leave town for home, I noticed a text message from my sister.  My sister works for CN, she is a train engineer.  Yes,  my sister drives a train for a living.  Anyway, she was in Whitecourt on a run when she saw a beautiful rainbow. 

She also always hears Mackenzie's Song when she's on a run.  Mackenzie's song is "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry.  Click the link and listen.  You'll get it.  Bury me in satin... I'll be wearing white when I come into You kingdom... Lord make me a RAINBOW, I'll  shine down on my mother...  hit the link!!!
Sorry, I just realized that maybe you don't know the rainbow story...  once again, hit the link!  I'm a little scattered!

Anyway, my sister saw a rainbow.  It's November 10.  How many times have you seen a rainbow in November??  I have great group of online mommies who have been sending me rainbow pictures all summer and fall, thinking of Mackenzie everytime they see her little rainbow.   
So as you can tell by my scattered thoughts, I was excited that my sister saw our little rainbow today.  I arrived home around 2:00.  As I came around the corner of my Jeep to lift a sleeping Anna out of her seat, I looked up toward the eastern sky... this is what I saw.

Really?  Yes, another rainbow in November!!!  Just an hour or so after my sister saw one some 400 kms away. I called Kim, she was shocked (Kim was the one that saw a rainbow on her drive home from the hospital with her new born, born 2 months exactly after Mackenzie.  She says Mackenzie is Ally's angel.)   I just couldn't believe it.  Anna was so happy so see her rainbow!!  "Momma, Kenzie send my rainbow back to Anna!"  Then I called my mom.  She was amazed. 
I was distracted the rest of the afternoon and early evening.  Prepping supper for my family and Jeff's parents, visiting and bedtime routine.

I finally checked my phone text messages and here is what Kim wrote, "OMG, and your MOM saw a rainbow too?"  What?  I thought we got our wires crossed somewhere.  There is no way, my mother, a good 450 kms from where I live, saw our little rainbow today.  I hit the Facebook app on my phone, found my moms page and...

Yes, I know that was one rainbow in the first picture, and a double (look above the cat's head) rainbow in the second.  I thought maybe mom had these on file, just posting them now.  So I called her again, yep those were taken today around 5 PM, just 3 hours after I saw my rainbow and five hours after my sister saw hers.  It's November... rainbows in November?  

I have great group of online mommies who have been sending me rainbow pictures all summer and fall, thinking of Mackenzie everytime they see her little rainbow.   Many people, including my mommies from across the country, have told me that they have seen way more rainbows this summer/fall then ever.  Looking back at my post a couple days ago, I questioned if Mackenzie was here, around us, watching us.  Well...  I think she's reassuring her momma that she is.  She's with me, everyday, sometimes I just have to lift my head towards the heavens and open my heart.

Did you read the Bible verse I put at the top?  I believe in God's promise.  Never again will the flood waters destroy all life.  He's held true.  We're still floating.  With His guidance we're surviving...

 Mom put as a comment on her pictures that Mackenzie was having a hard time saying "goodbye". She's not wanting to say goodbye Grandma, she's playing peek-a-boo, whispering "hello".