birthday blue

Well, I feel like you've been waiting forever to read something new from me.  So here we go...

I recently had a birthday, my 29th.

When you become an adult, birthdays really aren't all that grand.  This year was no exception.  I worked and it was just another regular work day.  I nice friend in the kitchen insisted I have a cookie for my birthday, so how could a girl resist?  My work day went just fine, and even had a great chat with a friend about loss... I picked up Anna and we headed for home.  On the way home I just started to feel very sad.

I'm sure I've mentioned in the last few weeks how this time of year, between Anna's and Mackenzie's birthdays is so very imprinted in full color in my memory.  I don't really know why, but there are just so many events.  I remember on my birthday last year, my friend Keltie and I went for a really long walk (7 kms) in town.  By the time we got back to our cars I was really sore.  I could barely walk when i went to Jeff's parents' for supper!  But we had such a good visit, Keltie and I.  Anyway, I remember talking about, and thinking numerous times through out the day, that next year on my birthday we would gave a 10.5 month old! 

Going back to my drive home...  I was recalling all those memories. I don't have my 10.5 year old...  Birthdays at our house are all about family and friends.  I wasn't going to spend the night with my whole family, I always feel like someone is missing.  And she is.  I asked Anna if she thought we should stop and visit Mackenzie's rose (the cemetery) on our way home.  She said no.  I was disappointed but I wasn't going to stop if she didn't want to.  However, as we approached the church she said, "Stop, let's see Mackenzie's rose."  I was relieved, feeling like that would be the only way i could spend a small moment of my birthday with both my beautiful daughters.  

I completely lost it.  I just stood there and bawled.  We didn't stay that long cause Anna was cold...  I cried on the way home and at home.  Anna gave me lots of hugs and kisses, and she knew I was upset.  I was also so irritable.  I was on the verge of an anxiety attack all afternoon.  I hate that feeling.  That's how I felt during Mackenzie's pregnancy day in and day out.  When I get like that I just need to be left alone and do my thing, however, I have a beautiful 3 year old, so that's not possible.  I called my mom.  That helped a bit, and I tried some friends to, but they weren't home.

Jeff finally got home just after five.  I told him he needed to go get Subway for supper because I needed some alone time.  He didn't protest... maybe cause he loves Subway, maybe because he knows the end result if I don't get to compose myself.  So off he and Anna went.  They even stopped and washed my Jeep waste more time.  Honestly if I could have just crawled into a dark hole, I would have.  Instead I cleaned!  So at least the house benefited.

I hate that I felt this way on my birthday.
I hate that I felt like i had to go to the cemetery to spend time with my baby on my birthday.
I hate that I sent my loved ones out of the house because I was loosing control.
I hate that I remember last years' birthday so vividly.
I hate that I felt so much better the next day because it wasn't my birthday.

My birthday was just another special occasion that Mackenzie's laugh wasn't heard at.  That we didn't witness her smiles.  I bet she would have been crawling and really close to walking.  On my birthday, she would have worn a cute little dress, and tried a little cake.

I'm happy that we celebrated my birthday with Jeff's parent's a couple days before the day.  I wouldn't have done well on the actual day at their house.  It takes a lot of energy to keep your composure outside of your home and comfort zone.  I don't want to keep burdening people with my grief.  I don't want to keep agonizing them over it.  SO I sit here, lost in my thoughts of last year, and what I wished this year would have been.

Next up is Mother's Day... ugh...