Grief Stage One - In the Beginning

This is something I wanted to start writing about a month ago.  I received a great book from my counsellor about grief and the stages a person goes through after loosing someone.  I want to share my journey through these stages with you.  I have passed through, sometimes not to gracefully, many of these stages already.  I understand if you don't want to read about them, so skip the days I write about these stages.  I want to document them for myself, and maybe there is just one person out there that needs to know that the stages they are going through are normal.  If you are going through your own grief process, don't expect that you will follow the same path as anyone else.  Grief is so territorial, protecting it's space in your heart, mind, body and soul.

Stage One - In the Beginning

I.  PAIN- there is nothing in the world that could have prepared me for the extreme rawness of loosing a baby.  When I was laying in that hospital bed during my induction, I pictured myself going home and laying in bed for a week.  I hurt so bad that I was numb.  I didn't even know how to express the pain, I kept telling everyone, "It's OK."  I know there is no way of steering away from grief, and that the longer you wait to face it head on, the harder it may be.

II.  SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS of GRIEF - I pretty much felt like I was loosing my mind.  I felt lost, and still do sometimes.  I tried not to worry about crying in front of others.  At times, it would just hit me.  Some of the signs/symptoms of grief that I experienced were:  Exhaustion, headaches, anxiety, helplessness, so much forgetfulness, the inability to concentrate, and I was very irritable.  Like I said, there are days that I am still all of those things.  The biggest thing I noticed right off the top was the forgetfulness.  Your head is so FULL that there is no way I could remember anything.  My brain was just trying to process what was going on, I didn't retain very much for quite a while.

III. TAKING CARE of YOUR BODY - I never really had a problem with this.  I had just had a baby, but I didn't have her in my arms.  I felt like if I had Mackenzie with me when I was out and about, people would see that I had an infant, and forgo that extra "pudge" around my middle.  Seeing that I didn't have my baby, I felt like I needed to get back to my normal weight ASAP.  I did so by exercising, eating properly, and getting back to my old program.  So maybe I DID, have a problem with this?  I was ashamed of my body, because I didn't have the baby to show for the tummy I had.  This was rough.  Coming home from the hospital, trying to find something to where to my daughter's funeral...

IV.  ACCEPTING the REALITY of DEATH - I do feel like I've accepted this reality.  I feel like we really tried to from the very beginning.  On the way to that emergency ultrasound, I prayed to God "Please, just be with me, what ever your will is for my baby.  Help me handle this."  When that radiologist said the words, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this..."  I had God's answer, and I knew He would hold me in His arms.  Jeff and I both told the doctors before the induction that we had faith, and that God had a different plan for our little one.  Not that we had to like the plan, but we had to accept it.

So that's Stage One.