Don't you see? God DOES have a plan for each and every one of us. He knew! He knew exactly what was going on all along. He knew He was going to put me and Jenn in the same room tonight, I needed to hear that song. It almost made me giggle.
I sat in the car before the show, Jeff went to stand in the cold to get us a good seat. I added to my facebook status that today, January 21, 2012, Mackenzie would have been 8 months old. I was trying to think what she would be doing today... would she be crawling? would she be playing patty cake? would she walk along furniture yet? would she say "mama?" answers will never come for those questions.
When Jenn started singing tonight, I can't explain the way I felt so connected to her music. She drew me in. She sat at her piano and you could see she was up there because she had a passion. I once had that passion for music. I lost it somewhere between college and moving to Edmonton years ago. I've written a couple songs, that I have actually sat down and put notes to. One song was about the death of a college dorm mate. Who knew that I would, years later, move to the town where he grew up and become friends with his sister? crazy I miss that music, now that I have felt it again.
Getting back to the song Jenn wrote about her friend's brother passing... I honestly can't remember a single word from that song, other then the title, but as she sang it, I just lost it. Yes, I was sitting second table from the front of the stage, tears running down my face, holding back the sobs. I'm sure I was shaking. I don't even think I heard any of the words she sang, I felt it. I felt the hurt that she felt for her friend, I felt the passion in the music, the lyric of the song going straight to my heart. I had to dig out the kleenex, the tears were all the way down my face, running down my neck... I squeezed Jeff's hand under the table. I didn't have it in me to look up at him, but I know he was thinking the same thing I was. As we stood in the line up for yummy snacks he said to me, "Well that song sure struck a chord didn't it?".
Jenn sang many original songs, and some covers too. She sang "Poker Face" - Lady Gaga, "Hallelujah" - Leonard Cohen, "I Will Always Love You" - Dolly Parton, "The Rainbow Connection". Are you kidding me? Why would this woman sing that song? No, it's not one that I sing to Anna, maybe a couple lines here and there. But a rainbow song??? Right... I know to everyone else this is just a coincidence, maybe it is to me too. But, i'm pretty sure in my faith, that God had a little more to do with tonight then most of you are willing to consider. Why? Because He has it all mapped out.
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Mackenzie, I have never looked at the world in the same way since 8 months ago, May 21, 2011. I find you in the smallest parts of my day, and in moments when I think no one knows you at all. Baby girl, mommy and daddy were introduced to someone tonight, in that introduction we were said to have 1 little girl. I hate that. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!! I just want to get up and scream, "NO!!! You are wrong! We have two daughters! You hear me!? TWO!"
Mommy didn't imagine the joy of seeing those two lines on a pregnancy test fifteen and a half months ago. I didn't dream that I heard your heart beat. I didn't dream that I was going to fall in love with you the first moment I saw you. I have your ultrasound picture. I have your foot and hand prints. I even have your little hand to hold - a casting the hospital made. You are real! I'm not loosing my mind. You didn't dissapear from my heart the day your grandpas helped lower your sweet little casket into the ground. Your memory wasn't burried when your grandpas gently covered you up with rich prarie soil. Your memory lives strong in mommy's heart. I miss you. I love you. Mackenzie, mommy wants you back...
I know, sweet baby, that you come back to me as often as you can. I know you want me to hold you in my arms. I see you in the sky, I hear you in the wind. I smile everytime you come back to me. You were sitting heavy on my heart tonight, creating light in my spirit.
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Jenn Beaupre, was a very unlikely artist to be featured in such a "rural" population. Her music being so soulful (I couldn't figure out who she reminded me of... Amanda Marshall), she was very "alternative" sounding, i'm sure, to the crowd. The average age of the crowd was mostlikely around 55. I was sitting in my chair, trying to hold my self together. My eyes were often closed, as I just felt the music... Jenn, and I are the same age. A few of the songs she sang were popular when we both would have been in high school. She was going to do the song "Drops of Jupiter" - Train, but I think I was one of the few in the audience who knew it! That song was very popular the spring of my highschool graduation. Jenn's lucky that she lives in Calgary, cause if she lived closer I would demand that we be BFFs (now if she reads this she'll think I'm crazy!!!). Maybe we were once, in a past life. I just finished listening to her talk about music on youtube, she takes the words right out of my mouth, she's just a much better vocalist and pianist then me. ;)
The song that Jenn chose to sing to close out her show (before the encore) was "I Hope You Dance" - Lee ann Womack. I almost laughted out loud. I used to sing that song when I took music lessons. Coincidence in the making from some 11 years ago... Jeff was busy talking to people after the show. We stood at the back of the hall, I was watching the stage to see if Jenn would come back out to pack up her things. She did... I just had to go thank her. I told her that I loved her song "Angel That's Lost" and asked if it would come out on her next album. I told her how I sat in the audience and cried. She was so happy to hear that her music moved me. I shared with her, through my struggle to keep my voice from breaking, that we had lost our daughter. She was shocked, she gave me a big hug. What a beautiful soul. Jenn, if you ever read this, keep going, keep writing, recording, singing. You have a great future ahead of you. I can't wait until I can go out and buy your CD with that special song on it. Until it does, I will listen to you on youtube
I knew that God was with me tonight, He always is, sometimes I just loose can't see Him for looking. Tonight Jenn's music opened my eyes, so God could remind me He has a plan for me... I just have to be wait, be patient, and walk the path.
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I'm going to encourage you to hit the links at the top of the page. You know the words that show up in color! They will take you to Jenn's webpage, and to youtube to hear "Angel That's Lost". Jenn asked me to add her on my facebook, and I told her I'd link her on my blog. So if you don't want to scroll back up, here are the links again.
Wow....I think there is a plan....you need to pick up on that music....God has been grooming you for a long time....you have a piano for a reason....and your guitar needs to experience a workout too! and meeting Jenn may just be a little push....enjoy some music with your family and Mackenzie will sing and dance too.
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