Whispers to Heaven and "Lost"

My dear readers, thank you for patiently waiting for me to write something.  I have been very lost as to what to write this last month or so.  Maybe because that's how grief works.  You think you've got all the fog cleared away, and even though you wandered so slowly and mindlessly in the fog for a long time, you think you have your foot on the right path and there it is... that fog closes in on you... again.

It could also be the change of seasons again.  I find some of the seasonal changes hard.  Maybe this one in particular because I really don't like being cold.  As I see the leaves falling to the ground, being swirled around together, I also see the days that have fallen behind me.  The days that have come and gone with out my precious daughter, days that I still question what could have went so tragically wrong to take my perfectly beautiful daughter from me, days that go by that I find no success with the treatment I'm on to try to conceive.  As these days get lost in the rustling of the leaves, as the wind swirls that fog in around me once more, I can't help but question the plan... I know I should not question it, for only He knows what is meant for my life...

I don't question my faith in God himself, nor am I saying I question Him in the way of anger.  I think I question more along the line of, what is the whole beauty of this journey of loss?  For what beautiful ending have I lost such a precious child?  I've heard to many times people say that God is making room for more in my life... but what is it??  Maybe I am questioning my faith?  I honestly don't know.  Am I??  Please, to my good Christian friends, many who have more biblical knowledge then myself, what is the answer??

I feel I am lost again... the emotions swirling high around me.  It's a year the end of this week, that I took a 2.5 month leave from work.  A year.  Those days fallen behind me, endlessly raked together in to heaps, only to be tossed around and muddled together by the wind.

God said, "Ask what I should give you."

1 Kings 3:5

 



Dear Mackenzie,

Hi sweetheart, it's flu season.  I had to get my shot at work today.  It was last year that a really sweet and lovely health nurse/coworker, took the time to really, sincerely ask me how I was.  She was the one who let me know it was ok to still be grieving and hurting.  She made me recognize that I needed some more time...

I had to call the health unit about getting my immunizations updated.  They must have "lost a baby" written on my file.  As soon as she referred to my file she "knew" who I was.  I'm the girl who "lost" her baby.  She asked me how far in my pregnancy I was when you were "lost".  Does it matter?  When I get asked that question I always say "full term, 38 weeks".  I feel the need for people to know that.  You were in my tummy long enough to be fully developed.  

I met grandpa, grandma and your big sister, Anna at the hall so we could get Anna's flu shot done.  When grandma got hers done, she was with the nurse I had talked to earlier this morning.  The nurse asked grandma if she was my mom.  Grandma responded that she was my mother-in-law.  The nurse told grandma how they, the nurses, just loved me.   I think I was fresh in her mind... and who can't handle a little extra love?

Kenzie, momma's car is on the fritz, is getting time to get a new one... it's been suggested I get a mini van!!  much to your daddy's horror!!  I'm not so sure.  What if we don't have any more little ones to fill all those empty seats??  We always thought that by the time my Jeep kicked the bucket, that we'd need to upgrade to a larger size SUV, now I'm thinking smaller, better fuel economy.

I'm not saying I'm giving up on providing you a younger sibling so you can be a big sister like Anna.  I'm just not so sure it's in the plan.  Anna was talking about you today.  In a small, perhaps, but the impact on me was great.  I had bought a gift for a birthday party we're attending next weekend and when she saw it she asked me if it was for her sister.  I told her, "No, honey, your sister is in Heaven, remember?  This is for your friend."

I hear all the time people referencing us having baby #2.  Well, I'm not hoping to have baby #2, cause that's you.  People ask how many children we have, I say two.  How will Anna answer that question of "Do you have any brothers and sisters?"  The other kids at daycare have questioned who you are when Anna talks about you.  It's probably confusing because the other kids who have siblings go to daycare with their siblings, yet Anna arrives alone. 

I can remember when I was taking Anna to daycare last summer that one little girl of about 4 yrs old, saw that I wasn't pregnant anymore, and she excitedly asked me what I had.  Of course with this sweet girl I was just able to say, "We had a little girl, her name is Mackenzie," just as if you were waiting in the car outside... 

I hope you're following this crazy path I'm weaving tonight!!  Mommy better say goodnight.  Sweet dreams baby girl!  I miss you!   

Love forever,
Mommy

P.S. Oh and please watch at the gates for a sweet, curly red headed girl.  Her name is Stella, her mommies say she's getting her wings pretty soon.  I know Heaven is a wonderful, happy place, but I think her mommies will be happy to know you'll be their to help Jesus welcome her home.  I think you'll just love her!  She's very fiesty!

And the truth is...

Well, just another day in the lives of people who have suffered the loss of a child.  This tragic event nevers escapes us.  Not that I want it to, cause wouldn't that mean I would want escape Mackenzie too?  I'm really not sure...

So here it is... Jeff's cousins were at the farm (his parents') to visit today.  One is from Australia, the other Edmoton area.  We aren't super close to either of these men, proabably because they are 10+ years older then Jeff.  I definitely know that the one from Australia wouldn't know about our little angel, and I guess neither of them knew...  cause they were both asking us when we were going to add #2, and when we were going to catch up to Jeff's sister (she has 4 beautiful children).  I am not in anyway mad or angry with them.  They don't know what happenedm so it's not their fault, but I did just feel like saying, "We already did!".  I held my tongue, and just said, "We don't know."  More comments were made throughout the evening.

I felt bad for Jeff' mom.  I just finished telling her our "status" on having more babies earlier this afternoon.  On a side note, I am close to Jeff's mom, but just wasn't to sure about how to bring up the subject with her or if she really wanted to know.  But at the same time, I don't want her walking on eggshells with the subject and wondering.  I'm sure people ask her too.  So I just came out and told her.

Before Jeff's cousin left the farm tonight, we took him to the place in his parents' home where they have Mackenzie's portrait on display.  I explained to him that we did have another baby, that she was stillborn, and that she has been laid to rest by Grandpa Gudmun at our little Trinity church.  He was without words.  He did say that her portrait was excellant... we didn't do this to make him feel bad, but for me it was to honor her.  Why wouldn't we tell him?  I'm not ashamed.  I am sad on occasions, like tonight, when people ask about babies... I was holding Anna who was just trying to wake up from her nap, and I just wanted to take her downstairs, be alone with her, and cry. 

My heart aches deepest when we are questioned if we are going to have more kids.  The truth is... my heart aches for Mackenzie.  It aches for all the days we don't have with her on earth.  It aches for the eternity I pray to have with her in heaven.  It aches for my husband who so wants to have more children.  It aches for him because people are even questioning him on our "status", and that's not something I thought men usually discuss...  It aches for Anna, who will never get to hold her sister, teach her new things, sing her songs, run across the yard with her... and all those little girl things.  My heart aches to hold Mackenzie in my arms just one more time.   Just once more... and the truth is, I can't.

The truth is, we don't know.  If you would have told me 9 months ago that I would not be pregnant now, I would have laughed in your face.  Both Anna and Mackenzie were conceived, well, like the saying goes... "We hung our underwear on the line together."  Yes, that easily.  In fact, Mackenzie was conceived just 2 weeks after I finished up with birth control.  So if you think your chances of getting pregnant right after coming off b.c. think again!  We were happy it happened quickly.  Anna was that quick also.

So I'm sure you can understand my anxiety when I never got my cycle back after 6 weeks postpartum like the doctors said, in fact waiting all summer, a full 20 weeks.  And now you can understand our complete frustration, that after 4/5 months of a "normal" cycle it just ups and dissapears!  I went to the walk in clinic, March 1, and my doctor was away.  I saw a nice female Dr.  She was concerned about all this and actually thought I was for surely pregnant, seeing that I was showing various symtoms.  She sent me for blood work.  She called a couple days later saying it was negative, so I booked an appoinment with my doc for this past Monday.

Long story short, I am negative for the hemochromatosis (YAY!!!), my beta carotene levels are still high, but slowly coming down, and I was given a couple options...

1.  Wait it out another 6 months.  I explained to him that we feel like we've already done that.

2.  Go back on birth control to induce ovulation... really??  birth control?  arg.

and if all that doesn't work
3.  hormone therapy.  My doctor and I are really hoping we don't have to do this.

He also told me that seeing how fertile I was, that it's a bit of a "red flag".  If this was our first attempt they may not think much of it, but since we've conceived twice so easily... well who knows.

So I chose option 2.  So I have to be on for three months... and then we'll see what happens.

I could have chose this option 8 months ago... but I really didn't want to go on birth control because we wanted to conceive ASAP!!!

I guess I have the next three months to not have to think about the subject, concentrate on my goal of shedding another 10 lbs, and focus on me.  I feels good to at least know where I stand.  I feel like I know where I'm going at least.

So there you have it.  I wasn't sure if this was to much information for my blog,  but it's MY BLOG!  I needed to get this off my chest, I know I'll feel better about it now.  I love this blog for that reason.  I write my thoughts and absurd feelings down and release them to the universe and it just helps.  It also makes me feel like people aren't "talking" because I'm giving the information freely. 

I told my good friend today, during our kids' playdate that I do know that God has a plan for me, I just wish He'd tell me what it is...

Please pray that we've hit our last road block, and that what issues are going on disolve themselves in the weeks to come.  Now that you all know the truth...

For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.    - Jeremiah 29:11