18 months in MY shoes

If you are reading this today, chances are you are familiar with the journey God is guiding us along...  knowing what we've been through, would you dare put my shoes on?

My shoes are not stylish, they are not clean, they don't shine with any bling.  These shoes are not colorful, yet that do stand out in some crowds.  It's not often that my shoes get cleaned up, or repaired...  most of the time, I just wear them for what they are...  My shoes are rather wide (a hereditary thing) - so I doubt you'd want to wear my shoes at all.

If you have not even slid your feet into my shoes, don't bother to try and understand that the road that my shoes take me down is a lot different then the road that your shoes may go.  We all have those rainy days where it seems like there is nothing we can do to keep our shoes clean, and our feet dry.  Days upon days that you feel like your shoes will forever smell like you just stepped in dog doo doo.  How do your shoes affect your day???  How do your shoes affect your life?  How do your shoes affect your family? 

Here's the thing...  Until you've been in my shoes, don't expect that I can live in the same way you do.  Don't judge why tears come quickly, marking paths down my flushed cheeks.   You will never understand the way I wear my shoes has changed me forever.

I have walked in these shoes down a road so long, at times very narrow, dark, dingy and forever tumbling further - constantly in auto pilot. 

I have done the bare minimum in many areas of life because that was all I could do.  In many ways, I now have to return to different road blocks and try to remove them.  Today one of the constructions zones we hit was dicipline... oh the 3.5 yr old, who has been coddled my her mommy a little to much. 

Unless you are willing to put these shoes on, you won't know what it is like to hear her cry out for me, when she is scared of being scolded - because it is kinda a new thing.  The momma bear in me wants to (and usually does) want to comfort her and take all her fears away.  I know this is definitely not a really good thing.  It's hard after you've lost a whole year of ground work because of torrential rains.  You have to go back when things start to clear up, and start further back then where you left off.  You have to slowly pick up the pieces of your life, that were neglected for so long because they weren't essential for survival. 

I hear two voices when Anna cries out for me.  I hear her voice, and a soft angelic one too.  I can't stand to let her down, and believe for even one second that I won't do everything I possibly can to be there for her. I feel like I can't fail Anna's cries the way I failed previously... She has become as attached to me, as I have to her. 

Today, Mackenzie, would be 18 months old.  Yesterday, I did exactly what I did 18 months previous.  I walked into the same clinic, at the same time of day, lay on the same cool, paper lined bed, listened to the same silence, as the same technician worked on me, as I stared at the same picture, on the same wall, of the same room, with silent tears rippling down my face - the same way they did 18 months ago.

Mackenzie,

When I think of holding you, 18 months seems like an eternity ago... 

When my heart aches and the tears come, it seems like yesterday...

Love, Mommy

 

 

Your word is a lamp to my feet

and a light to my path. 

Psalm 119:105