Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, preserve in prayer.
Romans 12:12
I am having a very hard time rejoicing these days... my patience is wearing thin as I experience the depth of my loss on a different level... and prayer, well it seems to have gone out the window lately.
Where is this coming from? you may ask... Well, I just started round three of taking progesterone to try and get my body to work. Round one was not productive, with my doctor insuring me that round 2 would surely be better. Well round two was even worse then round one.
I ended up at my doctor's office last week with a nasty cold. I told the receptionist that I didn't have to see my doctor that anyone would do. It was nice to overhear my doctor insist he would see me even if he was going to be late for his rounds at the hospital. He asked me how everything was going and if the hormone treatment was working. When I told him I've had no results he was a little shocked. He told me that he was sending me for an ultrasound. I reminded him that I already had a prebooked appointment with him on the 21st of this month, so he told me he'd get me in before then.
So, yes, I am happy that we're being even more proactive on figuring this out. And I'm pretty sure that he now realises that it's not just in my head.
The clinic called with my date and apologised for not getting me in to Camrose, but having to schedule me Edmonton. Really no big deal, especially since they got me in, totally by chance, for the day that I am picking up some loved ones at the airport. What are the chances!! Now I don't have to make two trips! So I laughed about that... until, she told me where I was going. Usually my doctor send his patients to Sherwood Park, right outside of Edmonton, however there was nothing available. So as fate will have it, I will return to the same clinic I will have been at exactly 18 months prior, minus only a half hour... The same clinic where my worst fears were confirmed. Really?? You're making me go back to the place I never ever wanted to go back to?? The last time I was there it was May 20th, 2011 for a 3p.m. appointment, I'll walk in there again at 2:30p.m. on November 20th, 2012.
Ugh! To some people this may seem trivial. To me it's not. To top it off, yes, I go to the doctor the next day, 18 months to the day of Mackenzie's birthday. blah Of course they are going to try and rush the results so the doctor has them. And I don't want to have to go days not knowing... but really? I'm not sure what to think.
So I hope that we don't get repetitious negative news...
As for suffering and patience... If there is one thing many people could tell you, it's that i am not patient. This 18 month marker that is just around the corner, is really lingering on my mind. What does 18 months mean to you?? For me it's seeing the little girls at Anna's daycare, and trying to compare them to what I should have. This one little sweetheart came and sat on my knee yesterday when I picked up Anna. She was just so sweet. I couldn't help but remind myself to keep breathing... even though there are times like this when you wish the air would just be sucked right out of you. I couldn't help but pretend for only a moment that it was Mackenzie sitting on my knee...
So I suffer this unpredictable right of passage, that never seems to end, maybe if it does, I'll find patience waiting for me on the other side.
Prayer... Another blogging mommy wrote on her blog, some time ago, how she was having a hard time praying... I totally understood where she was coming from. It's not a belief or trust issue... For me it's my heart aches so loudly that I know God can already hear me. I ask you to pray for me... cause maybe your prayer will sound just a little different then mine and your prayer will touch on some small, yet relevant, piece I've missed.
So I ask for your prayers. Pray that God will hold my hand when I walk into that clinic on the 20th. Pray that there will be no major issues to overcome after we receive the results of the ultrasound. Pray that the grief and suffering will be kind to me. Pray that Jeff and I will continue to try to understand each other through this process. Pray that Anna will continue to be the beautiful blessing of our lives, that we never take for granted any moment we have.
Thank you for continuing to check in with me here, I know that I've been lost lately, but eventually I always find my way back here.
Lots of Love,
Tyann
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