I'm back... here, at guilt.
Way back last October, I wrote about how I felt guilty. That Mackenzie's death was some sort of punishment to me. Well, I've had these thoughts go through my head, that I'm not pregnant because God is punishing me for something. For what? you may ask...
Well, how about coveting what my friends and family have? Every time I hear of someone who is expecting a new little one, it feels like a slow stab to the heart. Yes, if you are pregnant, I'm am so so happy for you, really I am. And at the same time I wonder, "Why not me? What have I done? What haven't I done? What do I need to do?" I want what all these other families have!!!
My mom told me some 15 months ago that I may have a hard time hearing others happy news of their little miracles growing in their tummies. At that time, I received these announcements of new arrivals to be as hope! Now, I understand what mom was talking about. Why is mom always right?? It may take a while, but she's always right. If you are pregnant, please don't avoid me, or avoid sharing with me. I'm coping...
Maybe God is punishing me for not being a good enough person. I know I am not perfect. He knows that I have lots of room for improvement! Sometimes I think maybe He doesn't think I can handle another child. For those of you with young ones, you know how some of those trying days can be.
In my heart, I know God is not punishing me. It's just really hard to see some days. Clouds seem to cover over my heart quickly these days. I'm tired. I just want to stay home. I have to push myself to get things done. But once I get going, things seem to be better.
Today I stayed in my PJ's until 11 a.m. or so... then Anna and I folded laundry outside, cleaned out our recycling box, had lunch outside, vacuumed out the Jeep and washed it. Washing the Jeep when you don't have an abundance or consumable water to waste is a dirty process which consists of actual manual labour!! hahaha, there i was with a bucket and a big scrub mitt! Then I splurged and wasted some water to hose the whole thing down to get rid of the dirt streaks. Jeff has spent the weekend swathing for his dad. We had our first supper in the field last night.
Well once again, a bit all over the place. Please keep me in your prayers, as I struggle with all these confusing feelings. If you know of any good passages that I should read, please send them my way.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Sunday, August 19, 2012
The Medical Side
Ok, so I always struggle with how much is to much information. So here's the warning, if you don't want to know why I am not announcing that we're having another baby anytime soon, then don't read today's post.
Several months back, I'm sure I told you about my doctor suggesting I go back on the pill, for three months. Yes, you're right, those three months are over. During those three months I went back to Weight Watchers and finally got my lifetime by maintaining my goal weight for 6 weeks! yahoo. April, May and June were really nice. I knew I couldn't get pregnant because I was on the pill. I didn't have to worry that I wasn't conceiving cause something else might be wrong.
I was back on the pill because my cycle ceased to exist for a couple months, which was a really nasty head game for someone who would give up their everything to see that +. So I was hoping that my cycle would reset, courtesy of the pill. Well, imagine our elated state when my cycle didn't show at all in July!!
And then imagine my extreme disappointment when I got "-" after "-". And to top it all off I weened myself off my antidepressant medication (with Dr. approval) and the side affect, gain 10lbs!!! yay!! So, here I am, not pregnant, having gained ten pounds and depressed!! The cherry on top, when I called the clinic I couldn't get in to see my Dr. for 6 weeks!!
Ruby, one of my mammas, convinced me to call the clinic back and ask to go on a cancellation list or something. SO I did. I asked to talk to my favourite gal there, Kerri (I doubt that's the way she spells it). Kerri knows my story. She is the only clerk there who as acknowledged that she knows what happened with Mackenzie. She immediately understood why I wanted to get in sooner and got me in the next day!!! Thank you!!
Going in, I was really unsure of what I should ask him to do. Should I ask to see a specialist? Fertility clinic? (If you've very easily conceived in the past and go 6+ months trying to conceive again, it could be cause for concern). How much intervention is to much? How much do I just ignore the fact that my body doesn't feel right to me? How much do I ignore the fact that my immune system has been incredibly poor since my second daughter's birth?? Do I just leave it all up to God? Or is He trying to wake me up??
My doctor told me that I should give it six months!! I almost lost it. I reminded him that I had only been on the pill for 3 months and that my cycle had NEVER been affected when I came off the pill in the past. Prior to these three months I hadn't been on the pill for two years! I really don't feel like that's why my cycle disappeared!
He suggested I go back on for another 3. No way. No more waiting it out. Jeff is freaking out cause he turned 35 this July. He wants to get going!! I told the doctor I needed something, that going home and "not thinking about it", was not going to work. He said something about checking my hormone levels. I reminded him that we did that in March. So he rechecked and sure enough both my estrogen and progesterone were really quite low. So he gave in and sent a prescription for progesterone pills to the drugstore. For all I know these pills are anti crazy lady meds! I don't care! If they trick my mind and body into getting back on track, I'm fine with that. He wanted me to try these for 6 months, then looked at me when I said that'd take us into the new year, while holding back a sob. So once again he gave in and I rebooked an appointment for November, three months. I know what happens if I have to go to that appointment in three months for yet another option. I don't plan on needing another round of drugs, I feel good about this, and am being hopeful.
So my mood is brighter these last few days. I am refocusing on loosing these dreaded 10lbs I gained. I'm getting back into my running as I've been slacking off. I am thinking of doing an 8km run in September.
Please pray that this step is the right one for me and Jeff. That my body gets back to normal and that we can, once again, look forward to bringing a little one into this world.
Several months back, I'm sure I told you about my doctor suggesting I go back on the pill, for three months. Yes, you're right, those three months are over. During those three months I went back to Weight Watchers and finally got my lifetime by maintaining my goal weight for 6 weeks! yahoo. April, May and June were really nice. I knew I couldn't get pregnant because I was on the pill. I didn't have to worry that I wasn't conceiving cause something else might be wrong.
I was back on the pill because my cycle ceased to exist for a couple months, which was a really nasty head game for someone who would give up their everything to see that +. So I was hoping that my cycle would reset, courtesy of the pill. Well, imagine our elated state when my cycle didn't show at all in July!!
And then imagine my extreme disappointment when I got "-" after "-". And to top it all off I weened myself off my antidepressant medication (with Dr. approval) and the side affect, gain 10lbs!!! yay!! So, here I am, not pregnant, having gained ten pounds and depressed!! The cherry on top, when I called the clinic I couldn't get in to see my Dr. for 6 weeks!!
Ruby, one of my mammas, convinced me to call the clinic back and ask to go on a cancellation list or something. SO I did. I asked to talk to my favourite gal there, Kerri (I doubt that's the way she spells it). Kerri knows my story. She is the only clerk there who as acknowledged that she knows what happened with Mackenzie. She immediately understood why I wanted to get in sooner and got me in the next day!!! Thank you!!
Going in, I was really unsure of what I should ask him to do. Should I ask to see a specialist? Fertility clinic? (If you've very easily conceived in the past and go 6+ months trying to conceive again, it could be cause for concern). How much intervention is to much? How much do I just ignore the fact that my body doesn't feel right to me? How much do I ignore the fact that my immune system has been incredibly poor since my second daughter's birth?? Do I just leave it all up to God? Or is He trying to wake me up??
My doctor told me that I should give it six months!! I almost lost it. I reminded him that I had only been on the pill for 3 months and that my cycle had NEVER been affected when I came off the pill in the past. Prior to these three months I hadn't been on the pill for two years! I really don't feel like that's why my cycle disappeared!
He suggested I go back on for another 3. No way. No more waiting it out. Jeff is freaking out cause he turned 35 this July. He wants to get going!! I told the doctor I needed something, that going home and "not thinking about it", was not going to work. He said something about checking my hormone levels. I reminded him that we did that in March. So he rechecked and sure enough both my estrogen and progesterone were really quite low. So he gave in and sent a prescription for progesterone pills to the drugstore. For all I know these pills are anti crazy lady meds! I don't care! If they trick my mind and body into getting back on track, I'm fine with that. He wanted me to try these for 6 months, then looked at me when I said that'd take us into the new year, while holding back a sob. So once again he gave in and I rebooked an appointment for November, three months. I know what happens if I have to go to that appointment in three months for yet another option. I don't plan on needing another round of drugs, I feel good about this, and am being hopeful.
So my mood is brighter these last few days. I am refocusing on loosing these dreaded 10lbs I gained. I'm getting back into my running as I've been slacking off. I am thinking of doing an 8km run in September.
Please pray that this step is the right one for me and Jeff. That my body gets back to normal and that we can, once again, look forward to bringing a little one into this world.
Do not be afraid of sudden panic, or of the storm that strikes...
for the Lord will be your confidence
and will keep your foot from being caught.
Proverbs 3:25-26
To let go is to fear less and love more.
- Author unknown
Sunday, August 05, 2012
are you still waiting?
Hi! I know it's been a really long time. I've been really busy as of late. July is over. But it was a great month.
- Family vacation
- 5km race in Wainwright
- Anna had a week at the "other" grandma's
- I was really sick with the flu
- painted the house
- 5 km race in Edmonton (beat my previous time!!)
- spend Jeff's birthday weekend in Edmonton
- met up with a cousin I haven't seen in years,
- went swimming and spent a great day with a BFF and Anna's BFF
- spent the last Saturday of the month with my cousin and her beautiful daughter!! what a hoot!!
- got to visit with my charming brother and my gorgeous little sister!
- had to say goodbye to my nephew Scout (bunny) who is now in Heaven with Mackenzie
- got to see both my grandma's
- spent the last July days with my mom and Anna, going to the beach, and breaking all the rules (like eating ice cream and chips!!!!)
- had a really good treatment from my cousin Karen
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Whispers to Heaven - My new Wednesday Submission
Often you see on blogs that Wednesday is for "Wordless Wednesday". Those of you who know me in "real life", know that wordless is a joke when it comes to me. So I have come up with something new. Whispers to Heaven. I really find myself wanting to talk to Mackenzie these days. I have so many questions for her, so much to tell her, to share, to teach... so here it goes.
Dear Mackenzie,
It is very hot this week! I am not complaining, cause I've been in worse places in life. I find myself thinking a lot right now about how I told people you went to heaven and their reactions. I think Mommy is remembering this so much right now because I so wish and pray that I will get to give people happy news again someday. I want to hear people's reaction to exciting news. Not that you aren't exciting my girl. Just we really wish we would have gotten to know you here on earth before you got to enjoy eternal glory with your Father.
Anyway, there mommy goes getting side tracked again... I was remembering today, after I talked to my friend Brenda on the phone, a phone call I had with her the evening of May 21, 2011 - the day you were born. I remember her answering the phone in her cheerful way... I think I heard a little extra excitement that night. Brenda was on my call list if I went into labor and needed help, she's a real good friend like that. I wish you could meet her, or maybe you have? Brenda was shocked when I told her that yes you had been born, however you didn't come home to be with our family. "Oh Tyann..." I will never forget the pain and heart ache I heard in her voice. The shock... it steal makes me feel a little sick.
I was telling you how hot it was here this week... well relieving that memory, sent a chill up my spine and goosebumps covered my arms... quite the way to cool off on a 30 degree day...
Mommy didn't make many of those calls... my bestie Lesley, knew from the previous evening that I was feeling off about things, so we texted... And our special Kimmie... well she knew I had a doctors appointment that day and had been texting me all day trying to find out what was going on. It took me a long time to respond back to her. Hours in fact. Mackenzie, mommy didn`t know how to tell Kimmie that the baby I was going to have to make so many memories together with the baby she was going to have was gone. Kimmie and mommy wanted to have our babies close together, seeing that they`d be cousins and all... Now mommy watches Ally grow. She is so beautiful Kenzie!! Such a sweet baby girl. So quiet and happy. She has this sparkle in her eye that shines so bright. I like to believe it`s a twinkle for you.
Kimmie and I have talked many times about that fateful May long weekend. We`ve cried. I`ve felt her pain, as she`s told me about her reaction... I think it hurt me so much more to have to tell my close friends because I knew they were going to hurt for me. I knew they were going to grieve you almost as much as mommy is.
Mackenzie, I don`t cry for you everyday anymore... well not with these big tears I have rolling down my cheeks, everyday... but baby, I do in my heart. Every day mommy`s heart cries for you. Every day I feel like I`m missing a piece of my soul. Every day I wonder why Anna seems to know so much more about you then I do. She seems so so close to you. She told me tonight that you are with her. I asked her if you played with her and she told me ``Mackenzie doesn`t hold toys... she sits in my piggie chair.`` I asked her if you like to watch her, and she told me yes. I asked if you are her angel, and she said yes, that you had told her that.
That Mackenzie for being Anna`s angel. Thank you for protecting her and watching over her, for being apart of her. Mommy wonders if there is a way you can do the same for me? I know in my heart that you must be with me. Is there a sign though? I would love to see you the way Anna does. Maybe I'm to "old" for that though? Maybe mommy's just being selfish?
Ok, Mommy will let you get back to what ever it is you love to do up there in heaven. One more question... did you like the rose I left you last night? That's your rose from the rose bush our Lesley gave us.
Good night baby girl, Mommy loves you!
XOXO
Dear Mackenzie,
It is very hot this week! I am not complaining, cause I've been in worse places in life. I find myself thinking a lot right now about how I told people you went to heaven and their reactions. I think Mommy is remembering this so much right now because I so wish and pray that I will get to give people happy news again someday. I want to hear people's reaction to exciting news. Not that you aren't exciting my girl. Just we really wish we would have gotten to know you here on earth before you got to enjoy eternal glory with your Father.
Anyway, there mommy goes getting side tracked again... I was remembering today, after I talked to my friend Brenda on the phone, a phone call I had with her the evening of May 21, 2011 - the day you were born. I remember her answering the phone in her cheerful way... I think I heard a little extra excitement that night. Brenda was on my call list if I went into labor and needed help, she's a real good friend like that. I wish you could meet her, or maybe you have? Brenda was shocked when I told her that yes you had been born, however you didn't come home to be with our family. "Oh Tyann..." I will never forget the pain and heart ache I heard in her voice. The shock... it steal makes me feel a little sick.
I was telling you how hot it was here this week... well relieving that memory, sent a chill up my spine and goosebumps covered my arms... quite the way to cool off on a 30 degree day...
Mommy didn't make many of those calls... my bestie Lesley, knew from the previous evening that I was feeling off about things, so we texted... And our special Kimmie... well she knew I had a doctors appointment that day and had been texting me all day trying to find out what was going on. It took me a long time to respond back to her. Hours in fact. Mackenzie, mommy didn`t know how to tell Kimmie that the baby I was going to have to make so many memories together with the baby she was going to have was gone. Kimmie and mommy wanted to have our babies close together, seeing that they`d be cousins and all... Now mommy watches Ally grow. She is so beautiful Kenzie!! Such a sweet baby girl. So quiet and happy. She has this sparkle in her eye that shines so bright. I like to believe it`s a twinkle for you.
Kimmie and I have talked many times about that fateful May long weekend. We`ve cried. I`ve felt her pain, as she`s told me about her reaction... I think it hurt me so much more to have to tell my close friends because I knew they were going to hurt for me. I knew they were going to grieve you almost as much as mommy is.
Mackenzie, I don`t cry for you everyday anymore... well not with these big tears I have rolling down my cheeks, everyday... but baby, I do in my heart. Every day mommy`s heart cries for you. Every day I feel like I`m missing a piece of my soul. Every day I wonder why Anna seems to know so much more about you then I do. She seems so so close to you. She told me tonight that you are with her. I asked her if you played with her and she told me ``Mackenzie doesn`t hold toys... she sits in my piggie chair.`` I asked her if you like to watch her, and she told me yes. I asked if you are her angel, and she said yes, that you had told her that.
That Mackenzie for being Anna`s angel. Thank you for protecting her and watching over her, for being apart of her. Mommy wonders if there is a way you can do the same for me? I know in my heart that you must be with me. Is there a sign though? I would love to see you the way Anna does. Maybe I'm to "old" for that though? Maybe mommy's just being selfish?
Ok, Mommy will let you get back to what ever it is you love to do up there in heaven. One more question... did you like the rose I left you last night? That's your rose from the rose bush our Lesley gave us.
Good night baby girl, Mommy loves you!
XOXO
Wednesday, July 04, 2012
Questions for an Angel
Dear Mackenzie,
Mommy really is tired tonight and I should be going to sleep... but I have some questions for you.
We just went on our 2nd Annual Family Vacation. We do this as out get a way. Last year we went because we didn't want to spend the long weekend in town talking to people and feeling that awkwardness... I just couldn't handle being around that many people who knew, but weren't going to say anything...
Kenzie, were you with us?? I was watching for you in the skies all weekend. I though for sure I'd see your rainbow since it rained off and on all day on Saturday. I feel like you're so far away some days. Like a life time has passed since I last held you. Some days I feel like my heart is all ached out and I can't hurt anymore... Some days I feel like I'm "all good" with everything that has happened.
Then there are days that I feel like it was just yesterday that I went to that 38 week appointment. I was just at the clinic last week. It always makes me feel so awkward. I often wish that our clinic hadn't been moved to the new building, cause i could have left that memory in the old clinic. I don't want to lay on that table in Dr P's exam room ever again while he listens for a heart beat... Mackenzie, I think that alone makes me want to switch which Dr I see at the clinic in case of any future pregnancies.
The days that I feel like it was just yesterday that I held you, I can't help but see you face every time i close my eyes. I can't help to wonder what your little dress looks like today... are you wearing that dress in heaven??? That was the only dress you'll ever have worn.
Mackenzie, sometimes I feel like a bad mommy to your big sister. I know I spoil her way to much and don't discipline her near enough. I can't stand to see her cry. I can't stand to hurt her feelings. Her tears remind me of my tears and the hurt. Those tears remind me of how vulnerable I felt some 13 months ago. And how I still feel far to often.
Mackenzie, has God let you in on any of the plan He has for our family?? Do you know if He is going to bless us with a little brother or sister for you and Anna? Has He told you we won't have to wait much longer?? Has He told you we've still got time to put in??
Mackenzie, who do you know in heaven??? Who do you spend your days with? Does great grandma Mary Lukan make you cinnamon twists and her special cookies with the sprinkles? Does she have tea parties with you - she made the best tea. Do you know Jacob and Thomas??? I know their mommies on the internet, so have you met them?? What about Brennan? Kyle?? and Dustin? and the many others lost to soon... Have you had any of Grandma Mary Stefanic's awesome Ukrainian cooking?? How old are you in heaven?? maybe you don't age there and are still that tiny little beauty?
Mackenzie, mommy has so many questions. I can't lie, most of them run through my head daily. Can you answer any of them??? Can you tell me the answers... send a whisper on a breeze?
Mackenzie, mommy loves you today, tomorrow as much as the yesterday that I found out you existed in my womb. I pray to have the knowledge to be a good mommy to an angel. I hope I'm doing an OK job.
Love for ever and ever,
Mommy
Mommy really is tired tonight and I should be going to sleep... but I have some questions for you.
We just went on our 2nd Annual Family Vacation. We do this as out get a way. Last year we went because we didn't want to spend the long weekend in town talking to people and feeling that awkwardness... I just couldn't handle being around that many people who knew, but weren't going to say anything...
Kenzie, were you with us?? I was watching for you in the skies all weekend. I though for sure I'd see your rainbow since it rained off and on all day on Saturday. I feel like you're so far away some days. Like a life time has passed since I last held you. Some days I feel like my heart is all ached out and I can't hurt anymore... Some days I feel like I'm "all good" with everything that has happened.
Then there are days that I feel like it was just yesterday that I went to that 38 week appointment. I was just at the clinic last week. It always makes me feel so awkward. I often wish that our clinic hadn't been moved to the new building, cause i could have left that memory in the old clinic. I don't want to lay on that table in Dr P's exam room ever again while he listens for a heart beat... Mackenzie, I think that alone makes me want to switch which Dr I see at the clinic in case of any future pregnancies.
The days that I feel like it was just yesterday that I held you, I can't help but see you face every time i close my eyes. I can't help to wonder what your little dress looks like today... are you wearing that dress in heaven??? That was the only dress you'll ever have worn.
Mackenzie, sometimes I feel like a bad mommy to your big sister. I know I spoil her way to much and don't discipline her near enough. I can't stand to see her cry. I can't stand to hurt her feelings. Her tears remind me of my tears and the hurt. Those tears remind me of how vulnerable I felt some 13 months ago. And how I still feel far to often.
Mackenzie, has God let you in on any of the plan He has for our family?? Do you know if He is going to bless us with a little brother or sister for you and Anna? Has He told you we won't have to wait much longer?? Has He told you we've still got time to put in??
Mackenzie, who do you know in heaven??? Who do you spend your days with? Does great grandma Mary Lukan make you cinnamon twists and her special cookies with the sprinkles? Does she have tea parties with you - she made the best tea. Do you know Jacob and Thomas??? I know their mommies on the internet, so have you met them?? What about Brennan? Kyle?? and Dustin? and the many others lost to soon... Have you had any of Grandma Mary Stefanic's awesome Ukrainian cooking?? How old are you in heaven?? maybe you don't age there and are still that tiny little beauty?
Mackenzie, mommy has so many questions. I can't lie, most of them run through my head daily. Can you answer any of them??? Can you tell me the answers... send a whisper on a breeze?
Mackenzie, mommy loves you today, tomorrow as much as the yesterday that I found out you existed in my womb. I pray to have the knowledge to be a good mommy to an angel. I hope I'm doing an OK job.
Love for ever and ever,
Mommy
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Wordless Wednesday - A Little Rainbow
The Rainbow visits we've had this week:
Monday
Look at how bright this rainbow got as I talked to my cousin Karen on the phone!
Tuesday
Anna and I chased this rainbow home from Camrose. She wanted to catch it.
Monday
Tuesday
Anna and I chased this rainbow home from Camrose. She wanted to catch it.
Winnepeg's rainbow this afternoon care of Lisa!
Friday, June 08, 2012
Friday Night Leftovers
Ok, I think there has been a lot going on that I haven't told you about... just general life stuff.
1. I GOT TO MY GOAL WEIGHT!!! I'm so excited I'm going to shout that out again. I GOT TO MY GOAL WEIGHT!!! Did you hear me?! I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I don't think I've been at a healthy weight since... hmm... grade 4?! You should see my grad picture! I'll get my mom to send me one so I can post it. (that would be your cue mom.)
I hit this goal last week. Now I need to maintain it for 6 weeks. My goal is to push myself for another 5 lbs. This would be I would probably weigh what I did grade 7. I can go to the store and buy a medium. My pants are single digits. The thing is, I still view myself as almost 200lbs (my heaviest). I wasn't even that heavy 9 mths pregnant with Anna!!! In the last 11 years since high school I have lost about 55lbs. (yah, so the simple math and you'll know what i weigh). I go in a store buy a size 8, but I still see a size 18 in the mirror. Now I've got some head work to do.
How did I do it? EXERCISE!!!! and healthy eating and EXERCISE!!! I can jog/run a 5K and now I'm thinking 10K should be my next goal. I haven't ever done a "run", you know a times event thing. I am going to do my first in July.
2. A very integral person in my life passed away last Saturday, my boss. He was a very kind individual. I first go to know him when I worked at a local hardware store. He was one of my customers. He must have seen something positive in me, cause I was asked to apply for my current job, that was 5.5 yrs ago. He was a man who never got mad and yelled at someone at work. He was always calm and collected. He always had time for a good chat, I really miss that. When I went back to work last summer, after loosing Mackenzie, he came in to check on me all the time. We spent many hours talking about life and death, grieft and loss. He was always interested in my life. I also know that he was an amazing father and grandfather. He was so proud of his grandkids, they seemed to be his world. I will miss you.
3. I got this really beautiful quilt from my best "never-actually-met-her-in-real-life" friend, Ruby. We also received a book of rainbows created by my "moms" and their children. One wonderful woman, even made me a rainbow shawl. These gifts are all beautiful.
1. I GOT TO MY GOAL WEIGHT!!! I'm so excited I'm going to shout that out again. I GOT TO MY GOAL WEIGHT!!! Did you hear me?! I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I don't think I've been at a healthy weight since... hmm... grade 4?! You should see my grad picture! I'll get my mom to send me one so I can post it. (that would be your cue mom.)
I hit this goal last week. Now I need to maintain it for 6 weeks. My goal is to push myself for another 5 lbs. This would be I would probably weigh what I did grade 7. I can go to the store and buy a medium. My pants are single digits. The thing is, I still view myself as almost 200lbs (my heaviest). I wasn't even that heavy 9 mths pregnant with Anna!!! In the last 11 years since high school I have lost about 55lbs. (yah, so the simple math and you'll know what i weigh). I go in a store buy a size 8, but I still see a size 18 in the mirror. Now I've got some head work to do.
How did I do it? EXERCISE!!!! and healthy eating and EXERCISE!!! I can jog/run a 5K and now I'm thinking 10K should be my next goal. I haven't ever done a "run", you know a times event thing. I am going to do my first in July.
2. A very integral person in my life passed away last Saturday, my boss. He was a very kind individual. I first go to know him when I worked at a local hardware store. He was one of my customers. He must have seen something positive in me, cause I was asked to apply for my current job, that was 5.5 yrs ago. He was a man who never got mad and yelled at someone at work. He was always calm and collected. He always had time for a good chat, I really miss that. When I went back to work last summer, after loosing Mackenzie, he came in to check on me all the time. We spent many hours talking about life and death, grieft and loss. He was always interested in my life. I also know that he was an amazing father and grandfather. He was so proud of his grandkids, they seemed to be his world. I will miss you.
3. I got this really beautiful quilt from my best "never-actually-met-her-in-real-life" friend, Ruby. We also received a book of rainbows created by my "moms" and their children. One wonderful woman, even made me a rainbow shawl. These gifts are all beautiful.
Snuggles with out Mackenzie bear and rainbow quilt.
4. Anna has been talking a lot about Mackenzie lately. I really love that she does, and sometimes it makes me wonder... for example about a year ago, Anna and I were playing outside when she told me that Mackenzie was sleeping in her bed. Ok, I figured she was talking about the bear, so I enquired, "No, Mackenzie is sleeping in my bed."
This week she told her day home provider that "Mackenzie's in the house today..." and she told her this while using the potty! So the lady asked where? She's here in the house... was Anna's reply. She talked about Mackenzie a lot that day. I asked her a couple times if she was referring to her bear. She would simply repeat her statement saying just "Mackenzie". Normally if she is talking about the bear she says, "Kenzie bear". I think this is kinda neat. I hope the girls do have some type of heaven and earth connection. I have been encouraging Anna to sing nicely at bedtime so Mackenzie can hear her. Then she stops singing in her funny cartoon voice.
Well I'm sure I could find more leftovers, but well wish you a happy weekend instead!
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