Several months back, I'm sure I told you about my doctor suggesting I go back on the pill, for three months. Yes, you're right, those three months are over. During those three months I went back to Weight Watchers and finally got my lifetime by maintaining my goal weight for 6 weeks! yahoo. April, May and June were really nice. I knew I couldn't get pregnant because I was on the pill. I didn't have to worry that I wasn't conceiving cause something else might be wrong.
I was back on the pill because my cycle ceased to exist for a couple months, which was a really nasty head game for someone who would give up their everything to see that +. So I was hoping that my cycle would reset, courtesy of the pill. Well, imagine our elated state when my cycle didn't show at all in July!!
And then imagine my extreme disappointment when I got "-" after "-". And to top it all off I weened myself off my antidepressant medication (with Dr. approval) and the side affect, gain 10lbs!!! yay!! So, here I am, not pregnant, having gained ten pounds and depressed!! The cherry on top, when I called the clinic I couldn't get in to see my Dr. for 6 weeks!!
Ruby, one of my mammas, convinced me to call the clinic back and ask to go on a cancellation list or something. SO I did. I asked to talk to my favourite gal there, Kerri (I doubt that's the way she spells it). Kerri knows my story. She is the only clerk there who as acknowledged that she knows what happened with Mackenzie. She immediately understood why I wanted to get in sooner and got me in the next day!!! Thank you!!
Going in, I was really unsure of what I should ask him to do. Should I ask to see a specialist? Fertility clinic? (If you've very easily conceived in the past and go 6+ months trying to conceive again, it could be cause for concern). How much intervention is to much? How much do I just ignore the fact that my body doesn't feel right to me? How much do I ignore the fact that my immune system has been incredibly poor since my second daughter's birth?? Do I just leave it all up to God? Or is He trying to wake me up??
My doctor told me that I should give it six months!! I almost lost it. I reminded him that I had only been on the pill for 3 months and that my cycle had NEVER been affected when I came off the pill in the past. Prior to these three months I hadn't been on the pill for two years! I really don't feel like that's why my cycle disappeared!
He suggested I go back on for another 3. No way. No more waiting it out. Jeff is freaking out cause he turned 35 this July. He wants to get going!! I told the doctor I needed something, that going home and "not thinking about it", was not going to work. He said something about checking my hormone levels. I reminded him that we did that in March. So he rechecked and sure enough both my estrogen and progesterone were really quite low. So he gave in and sent a prescription for progesterone pills to the drugstore. For all I know these pills are anti crazy lady meds! I don't care! If they trick my mind and body into getting back on track, I'm fine with that. He wanted me to try these for 6 months, then looked at me when I said that'd take us into the new year, while holding back a sob. So once again he gave in and I rebooked an appointment for November, three months. I know what happens if I have to go to that appointment in three months for yet another option. I don't plan on needing another round of drugs, I feel good about this, and am being hopeful.
So my mood is brighter these last few days. I am refocusing on loosing these dreaded 10lbs I gained. I'm getting back into my running as I've been slacking off. I am thinking of doing an 8km run in September.
Please pray that this step is the right one for me and Jeff. That my body gets back to normal and that we can, once again, look forward to bringing a little one into this world.
Do not be afraid of sudden panic, or of the storm that strikes...
for the Lord will be your confidence
and will keep your foot from being caught.
Proverbs 3:25-26
To let go is to fear less and love more.
- Author unknown
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