I'm back...

I'm back...  here, at guilt. 

Way back last October, I wrote about how I felt guilty.  That Mackenzie's death was some sort of punishment to me.  Well, I've had these thoughts go through my head, that I'm not pregnant because God is punishing me for something.  For what? you may ask...

Well, how about coveting what my friends and family have?  Every time I hear of someone who is expecting a new little one, it feels like a slow stab to the heart.  Yes, if you are pregnant, I'm am so so happy for you, really I am.  And at the same time I wonder, "Why not me?  What have I done?  What haven't I done?  What do I need to do?"  I want what all these other families have!!!

My mom told me some 15 months ago that I may have a hard time hearing others happy news of their little miracles growing in their tummies.  At that time, I received these announcements of new arrivals to be as hope!  Now, I understand what mom was talking about.  Why is mom always right??  It may take a while, but she's always right.  If you are pregnant, please don't avoid me, or avoid sharing with me.  I'm coping...

Maybe God is punishing me for not being a good enough person.  I know I am not perfect.  He knows that I have lots of room for improvement!  Sometimes I think maybe He doesn't think I can handle another child.  For those of you with young ones, you know how some of those trying days can be.

In my heart, I know God is not punishing me.  It's just really hard to see some days.  Clouds seem to cover over my heart quickly these days.  I'm tired.  I just want to stay home.  I have to push myself to get things done.  But once I get going, things seem to be better. 

Today I stayed in my PJ's until 11 a.m. or so... then Anna and I folded laundry outside, cleaned out our recycling box, had lunch outside, vacuumed out the Jeep and washed it.  Washing the Jeep when you don't have an abundance or consumable water to waste is a dirty process which consists of actual manual labour!! hahaha, there i was with a bucket and a big scrub mitt!  Then I splurged and wasted some water to hose the whole thing down to get rid of the dirt streaks.  Jeff has spent the weekend swathing for his dad.  We had our first supper in the field last night. 

Well once again, a bit all over the place.  Please keep me in your prayers, as I struggle with all these confusing feelings.  If you know of any good passages that I should read, please send them my way.