Because the sun shines when she smiles

I fall more and more in love with our Anna every day!  I can`t even explain how blessed I feel to be her mommy.  She recently celebrated her 4th birthday and I just had her pictures done.  I can`t help but share the results cause she`s just to darn cute.

20 weeks

I have probably been the worse blogger in the history of blogs!  I guess life is just busy!

I have reached the half way mark of my pregnancy!  It is hard to believe! I had an ultrasound last week.  The technician was very friendly and told me she would tell me the sex of the baby.  I brought Jeff's mom and Anna in after the initial exam and I focused on Anna's face.  Anna has been very adamant that there would be no brother baby in our home.  LOL!  This was a bit of an issue seeing that the tech at an early scan had told me she was 98% sure baby was a boy.

So, I fixed my gaze on the beautiful face of my 4 year old daughter.  I wanted to see her reaction when the tech confirmed her worst fear...  SURPRISE!!  She says, "Baby is definitely a girl!" 

"See mommy!  A girl baby!"

I was a little shocked to say the least.  In the end I figure i win either way.  I just happy with a healthy baby. 

I see having our third girl as a second chance for all of us.  Anna's chance at having that little sister to grow up with.  A second chance to experience what we lost...

Jeff  was a little shocked... at supper last night he came to the conclusion that the physic I saw last fall was right.  I questioned him on what he meant.  He reminded me about how the lady told me that Mackenzie would come back to us in a way.  I forgot that she had told me that.

I imagine that this little one in my belly will look a bit like Mackenzie.  In some ways it is really hard not to think "replacement".  This new life can never replace the child we gave up to heaven.  However, she will help to fill the ache in our hearts. 

The ache in my heart grows with my pregnancy...  I can see feel the difference between these two pregnancies now.  As this little miracle grows and becomes more active, I realise how much Mackenzie didn't move in my womb.  I never noticed...  I just took it for granted that all pregnancies are different.  I just chalked it up to not all pregnancies being the same.

I am already wondering what the labour of this child's birth will be like.  How will my reaction of seeing my little miracle for the first time be different from when I first laid eyes on Anna? or on Mackenzie?

Will all those feelings of despair return?  Will i relive those feelings of anguish?  I am sure that emotions will run high no matter what.  I pray that I can push the experience of my last delivery aside, in order to take in the joy and miracle of a new life.

quick update

Sorry, If you still check on my blog, please forgive me. 

Well, I've got the usual pregnancy symptoms: sooo tired, varicose veins, growing belly, short on patience, sore back... 

Don't get me wrong, I'll take it all in order to hold a wee one in my arms come August.

About 2.5 weeks ago I had a little scare.  I had gone into Edmonton for the afternoon and shopped for about 3 hrs.  I then met some great friends for supper at Moxie;s (super yum!).  Oh we had such a great time!!!  Leanne, I met for the first time, what a wonderful woman.  Very inspiring, and down to earth.  I really felt like we "clicked" if you know what I mean.  She also brought her youngest and oldest daughters with her.   Shelley, I have had the pleasure of meeting with numerous times.  We even did the Resolution Run on January 1 together.  She's a wonderful, talented, and knock you socks off, woman.  We visited and ate for about 3 hrs!  Time just seemed to fly by.

When we finally parted company, I headed to fuel up and use the restroom and grab a coffee at Tim's.  (This is the part you male readers, if there are any, may find TMI!)  I used the washroom and noticed some bleeding.  Believe me, that's the last thing you want to see at 13 wks 2 days.  I've never experienced this in either of my two previous pregnancies.  It was more then just some "spotting".  I texted Shelley and she advised me to go to an E.R.

I wasn't far from the Grey Nun's, but didn't want to go there and be alone for hours... on top of the fact that is where Mackenzie was born.  I called my hospital in Viking.  They told me to stop in on my way home.  I arrived in town around 12 a.m.  I had to use the washroom so bad so i stopped at the gas station.  Still more bleeding and some clotting...  really not good.

I went over to the hospital where the staff was very accommodating.  They took my history, which I'm sure is always a shocker, even though through small town news I'm sure they heard, but may not have known who I was.  They called the doctor in ASAP.  She was in by 1 a.m.  She did a quick ultrasound with their little machine.  She found baby's heart beat right away,  a sigh of relief went through all of us (there were also two nurses with me).  She said baby looked fine, but I'd have to go for a more in depth scan in the next day or two.  She wrote me off work until we knew more and told me I couldn't drive. 

My wonderful inlaws came and picked me up.  Jeff knew I was getting checked out but seeing that he had to work at the crack of dawn, I let him sleep. 

My very very wonderful bestie, Keltie, took me to Sherwood Park for my indepth ultrasound two days later.  The tech went through my history and started the exam.  She let me know right away that she found a good, strong heartbeat.  I was in the room for a good 40 minutes and then she let Keltie and Anna come in.  Anna's face was priceless and she watched the screen.  She was very excited!  I'm sure Keltie was thinking exactly what I was thinking all day...  I couldn't believe that she was once again taking me for an ultrasound, praying that the results would be way better this time around.

Of course I couldn't resist asking the tech if she knew the sex of the baby, even though I knew it was pretty early.  She said she had an idea but wasn't 100% sure... but she was 98% sure.  LOL

Anyway, we are still doing good, just on the verge of 16 weeks.  I'm trying to take it easy.  My lower back aches when I do to much, so I'm following the signs my body is giving me.  Last time i just struggled through... 

I was going to post you some pictures of our "Baby Bumblebee", (Anna's name of choice), but they don't want to upload, so I'll try again another night.

Good night!

No News is Good News:)

Well, I've been on blogcation!  Mostly cause I have been going to bed REALLY early the last month or so.  So without my usual banter,I am tired and need to get to bed, so I spare you...

Unexpected Results

If you're still waiting, I apologize.  I know you may be wanting to know how that ultrasound went.  Here's the short version:

I got there early, you know the half hour.  I go to the desk to "check in" and the receptionist informs me my appoint was at 12:30 not 2:30...  nice I was told the wrong time by my clinic...  I explained and told her I had driven 170 kms.  I was asked to wait, and they'd try and get me in.

As I was waiting, I noticed that the same lady who did Mackenzie's last ultrasound was there... but what were the chances?  I tried to shrug it off.  I waited until 3:15 and I got in.  Through God's grace somebody called in and said they'd be late.  Well the person was already late cause they weren't there early :)  So I got his/her spot.

Someone called my name, I look up... and yep, it's her.  She doesn't remember me, she's has done 1,000's of exams since that fateful one of mine...  she had me lay down on that same table, same room as I stared at the same picture on the wall... It was awful.  I held back what I call, "The Oprah ugly cry", but tears streamed down my cheeks. 

The tech did have me roll around and she did some scans on my sides, kinda on my back... I wasn't sure why.  Again, like my last visit, things were nervy, not much small talk all business. She told me that she hoped to see me again under a different circumstance.  Sigh...

I went in to my doctor's office a week later for my results.  When he walked in the room he greeted me with a hello and asked how things were.  Then he told me, "Well, we went in for one thing and we ended up finding something else".  What???  He told me that my ovaries, tubes, uterus, everything was right spot on.  Picture perfect.  He even sounded surprised when he told me there were follicles.  But, "She found a cyst on one of your kidneys..."  I really didn't want to talk kidneys, I was more focused on my next steps with the infertility.

Since he is stumped, I will be referred to a gynaecologist at the Grey Nuns in Edmonton (where I had Mackenzie).  Most likely it will take 3 months to even here back about the booking.  But another doctor mine consulted with suggested this because fertility clinics give priority to patients referred to by a gyno over a G.P.

A few days later there was a message on our home phone, my doctor again.  He had consulted yet another colleague, who suggest I also have an MRI?!  Don't worry I'm confused to.  Sounds like they just want to rule out that it could be my "wiring" lol.

As for the cyst, he explained that it's probably nothing and may go away on it's own.  I didn't ask a lot of questions, I was really more concentrated on the first issue at hand.  I was told that I'd have to do some more ultrasounds for a while just to watch the cyst and make sure it's not growing or changing.  I just heard from the clinic today, the next appointment is January 11, 2013.

There you are, you may have given up on me, and quit checking in... I apologize.  It took a while for all that to sink into my head.

In the mean time, I may try going to a natural path in Edmonton that specialized in fertility.  I haven't decided yet.  For now we will just enjoy the holidays (or try too). 

18 months in MY shoes

If you are reading this today, chances are you are familiar with the journey God is guiding us along...  knowing what we've been through, would you dare put my shoes on?

My shoes are not stylish, they are not clean, they don't shine with any bling.  These shoes are not colorful, yet that do stand out in some crowds.  It's not often that my shoes get cleaned up, or repaired...  most of the time, I just wear them for what they are...  My shoes are rather wide (a hereditary thing) - so I doubt you'd want to wear my shoes at all.

If you have not even slid your feet into my shoes, don't bother to try and understand that the road that my shoes take me down is a lot different then the road that your shoes may go.  We all have those rainy days where it seems like there is nothing we can do to keep our shoes clean, and our feet dry.  Days upon days that you feel like your shoes will forever smell like you just stepped in dog doo doo.  How do your shoes affect your day???  How do your shoes affect your life?  How do your shoes affect your family? 

Here's the thing...  Until you've been in my shoes, don't expect that I can live in the same way you do.  Don't judge why tears come quickly, marking paths down my flushed cheeks.   You will never understand the way I wear my shoes has changed me forever.

I have walked in these shoes down a road so long, at times very narrow, dark, dingy and forever tumbling further - constantly in auto pilot. 

I have done the bare minimum in many areas of life because that was all I could do.  In many ways, I now have to return to different road blocks and try to remove them.  Today one of the constructions zones we hit was dicipline... oh the 3.5 yr old, who has been coddled my her mommy a little to much. 

Unless you are willing to put these shoes on, you won't know what it is like to hear her cry out for me, when she is scared of being scolded - because it is kinda a new thing.  The momma bear in me wants to (and usually does) want to comfort her and take all her fears away.  I know this is definitely not a really good thing.  It's hard after you've lost a whole year of ground work because of torrential rains.  You have to go back when things start to clear up, and start further back then where you left off.  You have to slowly pick up the pieces of your life, that were neglected for so long because they weren't essential for survival. 

I hear two voices when Anna cries out for me.  I hear her voice, and a soft angelic one too.  I can't stand to let her down, and believe for even one second that I won't do everything I possibly can to be there for her. I feel like I can't fail Anna's cries the way I failed previously... She has become as attached to me, as I have to her. 

Today, Mackenzie, would be 18 months old.  Yesterday, I did exactly what I did 18 months previous.  I walked into the same clinic, at the same time of day, lay on the same cool, paper lined bed, listened to the same silence, as the same technician worked on me, as I stared at the same picture, on the same wall, of the same room, with silent tears rippling down my face - the same way they did 18 months ago.

Mackenzie,

When I think of holding you, 18 months seems like an eternity ago... 

When my heart aches and the tears come, it seems like yesterday...

Love, Mommy

 

 

Your word is a lamp to my feet

and a light to my path. 

Psalm 119:105



Patience in Suffering

I'm in a moment these days...  and I just opened my daily prayer book and this is what I found:

Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, preserve in prayer.

 

Romans 12:12

 

I am having a very hard time rejoicing these days... my patience is wearing thin as I experience the depth of my loss on a different level... and prayer, well it seems to have gone out the window lately.

 

Where is this coming from?  you may ask...  Well, I just started round three of taking progesterone to try and get my body to work.  Round one was not productive, with my doctor insuring me that round 2 would surely be better.  Well round two was even worse then round one. 

 

I ended up at my doctor's office last week with a nasty cold.  I told the receptionist that I didn't have to see my doctor that anyone would do.  It was nice to overhear my doctor insist he would see me even if he was going to be late for his rounds at the hospital.  He asked me how everything was going and if the hormone treatment was working.  When I told him I've had no results he was a little shocked.  He told me that he was sending me for an ultrasound.  I reminded him that I already had a prebooked appointment with him on the 21st of this month, so he told me he'd get me in before then.

 

So, yes, I am happy that we're being even more proactive on figuring this out.  And I'm pretty sure that he now realises that it's not just in my head.

 

The clinic called with my date and apologised for not getting me in to Camrose, but having to schedule me Edmonton.  Really no big deal, especially since they got me in, totally by chance, for the day that I am picking up some loved ones at the airport.  What are the chances!!  Now I don't have to make two trips!  So I laughed about that... until, she told me where I was going.  Usually my doctor send his patients to Sherwood Park, right outside of Edmonton, however there was nothing available.  So as fate will have it, I will return to the same clinic I will have been at exactly 18 months prior, minus only a half hour...  The same clinic where my worst fears were confirmed.  Really??  You're making me go back to the place I never ever wanted to go back to??  The last time I was there it was May 20th, 2011 for a 3p.m. appointment,  I'll walk in there again at 2:30p.m. on November 20th, 2012.

 

Ugh!  To some people this may seem trivial.  To me it's not.  To top it off, yes, I go to the doctor the next day, 18 months to the day of Mackenzie's birthday.  blah  Of course they are going to try and rush the results so the doctor has them.  And I don't want to have to go days not knowing... but really?  I'm not sure what to think.

 

So I hope that we don't get repetitious negative news...

 

As for suffering and patience...  If there is one thing many people could tell you, it's that i am not patient.  This 18 month marker that is just around the corner, is really lingering on my mind.  What does 18 months mean to you??  For me it's seeing the little girls at Anna's daycare, and trying to compare them to what I should have.  This one little sweetheart came and sat on my knee yesterday when I picked up Anna.  She was just so sweet.  I couldn't help but remind myself to keep breathing...  even though there are times like this when you wish the air would just be sucked right out of you.  I couldn't help but pretend for only a moment that it was Mackenzie sitting on my knee...

 

So I suffer this unpredictable right of passage, that never seems to end, maybe if it does, I'll find patience waiting for me on the other side.

 

Prayer... Another blogging mommy wrote on her blog, some time ago, how she was having a hard time praying...  I totally understood where she was coming from.  It's not a belief or trust issue... For me it's my heart aches so loudly that I know God can already hear me.  I ask you to pray for me...  cause maybe your prayer will sound just a little different then mine and your prayer will touch on some small, yet relevant, piece I've missed.

 

So I ask for your prayers.  Pray that God will hold my hand when I walk into that clinic on the 20th.  Pray that there will be no major issues to overcome after we receive the results of the ultrasound.  Pray that the grief and suffering will be kind to me.  Pray that Jeff and I will continue to try to understand each other through this process.  Pray that Anna will continue to be the beautiful blessing of our lives, that we never take for granted any moment we have.

 

Thank you for continuing to check in with me here, I know that I've been lost lately, but eventually I always find my way back here.

Lots of Love,

Tyann