Thankful

I am thankful.  I've been struggling lately.  (Note the lack of blog posts...)  I can not pin point why I struggle.  A friend wrote on her blog that change of seasons is hard, I guess I "get that" now.  Why does the change of season bring my grief so close to the edge again? 

I know my heart is thankful, at the same time it's hard to understand how one can be so thankful when you hurt so bad.  I make that choice, to remind myself, that although it feels like I have lost so much, God has provided for me this year.  He has provided so much more then I ever knew I needed.  He has made me realize what is important in this life.  It's not that new house we wanted to build, it's that we are together, we have each other.  I would give up this humble home, for a cardboard box, to spend even just one minute with Mackenzie's breath, warm against my neck as she sleeps nuzzled safe in my arms. 

I don't like writing this post, it's poorly written and probably hard to read, because my thoughts are all over.  My struggles are with the grattitude I have for God; for the leasons I have learned this year.  The lessons I have learned the hard way, but the changes these lessons have brought to my life are astounding.  I pray to be a better pupil in this year.  I know I have a lot to learn...

I am going to try and start this week off on a good note, so here is what I am thankful for:

• God, with out Him, I know this season of life would be unbearable and with Him next to me, I know I can conquer anything. 
• my husband, it takes one special man to understand me, and not walk away
• my daughters, I remind myself that I am a lucky momma.  I do have the best of both worlds; my Anna here with me, and my Mackenzie watching over me
• my parents and Jeff's parents, they've helped shape who we are
• our siblings and nieces and nephews, we never get to see them often enough, but when we do it's a blast
• our friends and extended family, I have a handful of great friends that have really been "here" for me.  They listen to my broken record... and our family, who, when you're just gonna loose it, have a little surprise for you, just waiting in your mailbox.

I am thankful for the innocence of little children, the quiet joy they breathe into your life...

 if you just stop and listen.