If you're still waiting, I apologize. I know you may be wanting to know how that ultrasound went. Here's the short version:
I got there early, you know the half hour. I go to the desk to "check in" and the receptionist informs me my appoint was at 12:30 not 2:30... nice I was told the wrong time by my clinic... I explained and told her I had driven 170 kms. I was asked to wait, and they'd try and get me in.
As I was waiting, I noticed that the same lady who did Mackenzie's last ultrasound was there... but what were the chances? I tried to shrug it off. I waited until 3:15 and I got in. Through God's grace somebody called in and said they'd be late. Well the person was already late cause they weren't there early :) So I got his/her spot.
Someone called my name, I look up... and yep, it's her. She doesn't remember me, she's has done 1,000's of exams since that fateful one of mine... she had me lay down on that same table, same room as I stared at the same picture on the wall... It was awful. I held back what I call, "The Oprah ugly cry", but tears streamed down my cheeks.
The tech did have me roll around and she did some scans on my sides, kinda on my back... I wasn't sure why. Again, like my last visit, things were nervy, not much small talk all business. She told me that she hoped to see me again under a different circumstance. Sigh...
I went in to my doctor's office a week later for my results. When he walked in the room he greeted me with a hello and asked how things were. Then he told me, "Well, we went in for one thing and we ended up finding something else". What??? He told me that my ovaries, tubes, uterus, everything was right spot on. Picture perfect. He even sounded surprised when he told me there were follicles. But, "She found a cyst on one of your kidneys..." I really didn't want to talk kidneys, I was more focused on my next steps with the infertility.
Since he is stumped, I will be referred to a gynaecologist at the Grey Nuns in Edmonton (where I had Mackenzie). Most likely it will take 3 months to even here back about the booking. But another doctor mine consulted with suggested this because fertility clinics give priority to patients referred to by a gyno over a G.P.
A few days later there was a message on our home phone, my doctor again. He had consulted yet another colleague, who suggest I also have an MRI?! Don't worry I'm confused to. Sounds like they just want to rule out that it could be my "wiring" lol.
As for the cyst, he explained that it's probably nothing and may go away on it's own. I didn't ask a lot of questions, I was really more concentrated on the first issue at hand. I was told that I'd have to do some more ultrasounds for a while just to watch the cyst and make sure it's not growing or changing. I just heard from the clinic today, the next appointment is January 11, 2013.
There you are, you may have given up on me, and quit checking in... I apologize. It took a while for all that to sink into my head.
In the mean time, I may try going to a natural path in Edmonton that specialized in fertility. I haven't decided yet. For now we will just enjoy the holidays (or try too).
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
18 months in MY shoes
If you are reading this today, chances are you are familiar with the journey God is guiding us along... knowing what we've been through, would you dare put my shoes on?
My shoes are not stylish, they are not clean, they don't shine with any bling. These shoes are not colorful, yet that do stand out in some crowds. It's not often that my shoes get cleaned up, or repaired... most of the time, I just wear them for what they are... My shoes are rather wide (a hereditary thing) - so I doubt you'd want to wear my shoes at all.
If you have not even slid your feet into my shoes, don't bother to try and understand that the road that my shoes take me down is a lot different then the road that your shoes may go. We all have those rainy days where it seems like there is nothing we can do to keep our shoes clean, and our feet dry. Days upon days that you feel like your shoes will forever smell like you just stepped in dog doo doo. How do your shoes affect your day??? How do your shoes affect your life? How do your shoes affect your family?
Here's the thing... Until you've been in my shoes, don't expect that I can live in the same way you do. Don't judge why tears come quickly, marking paths down my flushed cheeks. You will never understand the way I wear my shoes has changed me forever.
I have walked in these shoes down a road so long, at times very narrow, dark, dingy and forever tumbling further - constantly in auto pilot.
I have done the bare minimum in many areas of life because that was all I could do. In many ways, I now have to return to different road blocks and try to remove them. Today one of the constructions zones we hit was dicipline... oh the 3.5 yr old, who has been coddled my her mommy a little to much.
Unless you are willing to put these shoes on, you won't know what it is like to hear her cry out for me, when she is scared of being scolded - because it is kinda a new thing. The momma bear in me wants to (and usually does) want to comfort her and take all her fears away. I know this is definitely not a really good thing. It's hard after you've lost a whole year of ground work because of torrential rains. You have to go back when things start to clear up, and start further back then where you left off. You have to slowly pick up the pieces of your life, that were neglected for so long because they weren't essential for survival.
I hear two voices when Anna cries out for me. I hear her voice, and a soft angelic one too. I can't stand to let her down, and believe for even one second that I won't do everything I possibly can to be there for her. I feel like I can't fail Anna's cries the way I failed previously... She has become as attached to me, as I have to her.
Today, Mackenzie, would be 18 months old. Yesterday, I did exactly what I did 18 months previous. I walked into the same clinic, at the same time of day, lay on the same cool, paper lined bed, listened to the same silence, as the same technician worked on me, as I stared at the same picture, on the same wall, of the same room, with silent tears rippling down my face - the same way they did 18 months ago.
My shoes are not stylish, they are not clean, they don't shine with any bling. These shoes are not colorful, yet that do stand out in some crowds. It's not often that my shoes get cleaned up, or repaired... most of the time, I just wear them for what they are... My shoes are rather wide (a hereditary thing) - so I doubt you'd want to wear my shoes at all.
If you have not even slid your feet into my shoes, don't bother to try and understand that the road that my shoes take me down is a lot different then the road that your shoes may go. We all have those rainy days where it seems like there is nothing we can do to keep our shoes clean, and our feet dry. Days upon days that you feel like your shoes will forever smell like you just stepped in dog doo doo. How do your shoes affect your day??? How do your shoes affect your life? How do your shoes affect your family?
Here's the thing... Until you've been in my shoes, don't expect that I can live in the same way you do. Don't judge why tears come quickly, marking paths down my flushed cheeks. You will never understand the way I wear my shoes has changed me forever.
I have walked in these shoes down a road so long, at times very narrow, dark, dingy and forever tumbling further - constantly in auto pilot.
I have done the bare minimum in many areas of life because that was all I could do. In many ways, I now have to return to different road blocks and try to remove them. Today one of the constructions zones we hit was dicipline... oh the 3.5 yr old, who has been coddled my her mommy a little to much.
Unless you are willing to put these shoes on, you won't know what it is like to hear her cry out for me, when she is scared of being scolded - because it is kinda a new thing. The momma bear in me wants to (and usually does) want to comfort her and take all her fears away. I know this is definitely not a really good thing. It's hard after you've lost a whole year of ground work because of torrential rains. You have to go back when things start to clear up, and start further back then where you left off. You have to slowly pick up the pieces of your life, that were neglected for so long because they weren't essential for survival.
I hear two voices when Anna cries out for me. I hear her voice, and a soft angelic one too. I can't stand to let her down, and believe for even one second that I won't do everything I possibly can to be there for her. I feel like I can't fail Anna's cries the way I failed previously... She has become as attached to me, as I have to her.
Today, Mackenzie, would be 18 months old. Yesterday, I did exactly what I did 18 months previous. I walked into the same clinic, at the same time of day, lay on the same cool, paper lined bed, listened to the same silence, as the same technician worked on me, as I stared at the same picture, on the same wall, of the same room, with silent tears rippling down my face - the same way they did 18 months ago.
Mackenzie,
When I think of holding you, 18 months seems like an eternity ago...
When my heart aches and the tears come, it seems like yesterday...
Love, Mommy
Your word is a lamp to my feet
and a light to my path.
Psalm 119:105
Wednesday, November 07, 2012
Patience in Suffering
I'm in a moment these days... and I just opened my daily prayer book and this is what I found:
Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, preserve in prayer.
Romans 12:12
I am having a very hard time rejoicing these days... my patience is wearing thin as I experience the depth of my loss on a different level... and prayer, well it seems to have gone out the window lately.
Where is this coming from? you may ask... Well, I just started round three of taking progesterone to try and get my body to work. Round one was not productive, with my doctor insuring me that round 2 would surely be better. Well round two was even worse then round one.
I ended up at my doctor's office last week with a nasty cold. I told the receptionist that I didn't have to see my doctor that anyone would do. It was nice to overhear my doctor insist he would see me even if he was going to be late for his rounds at the hospital. He asked me how everything was going and if the hormone treatment was working. When I told him I've had no results he was a little shocked. He told me that he was sending me for an ultrasound. I reminded him that I already had a prebooked appointment with him on the 21st of this month, so he told me he'd get me in before then.
So, yes, I am happy that we're being even more proactive on figuring this out. And I'm pretty sure that he now realises that it's not just in my head.
The clinic called with my date and apologised for not getting me in to Camrose, but having to schedule me Edmonton. Really no big deal, especially since they got me in, totally by chance, for the day that I am picking up some loved ones at the airport. What are the chances!! Now I don't have to make two trips! So I laughed about that... until, she told me where I was going. Usually my doctor send his patients to Sherwood Park, right outside of Edmonton, however there was nothing available. So as fate will have it, I will return to the same clinic I will have been at exactly 18 months prior, minus only a half hour... The same clinic where my worst fears were confirmed. Really?? You're making me go back to the place I never ever wanted to go back to?? The last time I was there it was May 20th, 2011 for a 3p.m. appointment, I'll walk in there again at 2:30p.m. on November 20th, 2012.
Ugh! To some people this may seem trivial. To me it's not. To top it off, yes, I go to the doctor the next day, 18 months to the day of Mackenzie's birthday. blah Of course they are going to try and rush the results so the doctor has them. And I don't want to have to go days not knowing... but really? I'm not sure what to think.
So I hope that we don't get repetitious negative news...
As for suffering and patience... If there is one thing many people could tell you, it's that i am not patient. This 18 month marker that is just around the corner, is really lingering on my mind. What does 18 months mean to you?? For me it's seeing the little girls at Anna's daycare, and trying to compare them to what I should have. This one little sweetheart came and sat on my knee yesterday when I picked up Anna. She was just so sweet. I couldn't help but remind myself to keep breathing... even though there are times like this when you wish the air would just be sucked right out of you. I couldn't help but pretend for only a moment that it was Mackenzie sitting on my knee...
So I suffer this unpredictable right of passage, that never seems to end, maybe if it does, I'll find patience waiting for me on the other side.
Prayer... Another blogging mommy wrote on her blog, some time ago, how she was having a hard time praying... I totally understood where she was coming from. It's not a belief or trust issue... For me it's my heart aches so loudly that I know God can already hear me. I ask you to pray for me... cause maybe your prayer will sound just a little different then mine and your prayer will touch on some small, yet relevant, piece I've missed.
So I ask for your prayers. Pray that God will hold my hand when I walk into that clinic on the 20th. Pray that there will be no major issues to overcome after we receive the results of the ultrasound. Pray that the grief and suffering will be kind to me. Pray that Jeff and I will continue to try to understand each other through this process. Pray that Anna will continue to be the beautiful blessing of our lives, that we never take for granted any moment we have.
Thank you for continuing to check in with me here, I know that I've been lost lately, but eventually I always find my way back here.
Lots of Love,
Tyann
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Whispers to Heaven and "Lost"
My dear readers, thank you for patiently waiting for me to write something. I have been very lost as to what to write this last month or so. Maybe because that's how grief works. You think you've got all the fog cleared away, and even though you wandered so slowly and mindlessly in the fog for a long time, you think you have your foot on the right path and there it is... that fog closes in on you... again.
It could also be the change of seasons again. I find some of the seasonal changes hard. Maybe this one in particular because I really don't like being cold. As I see the leaves falling to the ground, being swirled around together, I also see the days that have fallen behind me. The days that have come and gone with out my precious daughter, days that I still question what could have went so tragically wrong to take my perfectly beautiful daughter from me, days that go by that I find no success with the treatment I'm on to try to conceive. As these days get lost in the rustling of the leaves, as the wind swirls that fog in around me once more, I can't help but question the plan... I know I should not question it, for only He knows what is meant for my life...
I don't question my faith in God himself, nor am I saying I question Him in the way of anger. I think I question more along the line of, what is the whole beauty of this journey of loss? For what beautiful ending have I lost such a precious child? I've heard to many times people say that God is making room for more in my life... but what is it?? Maybe I am questioning my faith? I honestly don't know. Am I?? Please, to my good Christian friends, many who have more biblical knowledge then myself, what is the answer??
I feel I am lost again... the emotions swirling high around me. It's a year the end of this week, that I took a 2.5 month leave from work. A year. Those days fallen behind me, endlessly raked together in to heaps, only to be tossed around and muddled together by the wind.
Dear Mackenzie,
Hi sweetheart, it's flu season. I had to get my shot at work today. It was last year that a really sweet and lovely health nurse/coworker, took the time to really, sincerely ask me how I was. She was the one who let me know it was ok to still be grieving and hurting. She made me recognize that I needed some more time...
I had to call the health unit about getting my immunizations updated. They must have "lost a baby" written on my file. As soon as she referred to my file she "knew" who I was. I'm the girl who "lost" her baby. She asked me how far in my pregnancy I was when you were "lost". Does it matter? When I get asked that question I always say "full term, 38 weeks". I feel the need for people to know that. You were in my tummy long enough to be fully developed.
I met grandpa, grandma and your big sister, Anna at the hall so we could get Anna's flu shot done. When grandma got hers done, she was with the nurse I had talked to earlier this morning. The nurse asked grandma if she was my mom. Grandma responded that she was my mother-in-law. The nurse told grandma how they, the nurses, just loved me. I think I was fresh in her mind... and who can't handle a little extra love?
Kenzie, momma's car is on the fritz, is getting time to get a new one... it's been suggested I get a mini van!! much to your daddy's horror!! I'm not so sure. What if we don't have any more little ones to fill all those empty seats?? We always thought that by the time my Jeep kicked the bucket, that we'd need to upgrade to a larger size SUV, now I'm thinking smaller, better fuel economy.
I'm not saying I'm giving up on providing you a younger sibling so you can be a big sister like Anna. I'm just not so sure it's in the plan. Anna was talking about you today. In a small, perhaps, but the impact on me was great. I had bought a gift for a birthday party we're attending next weekend and when she saw it she asked me if it was for her sister. I told her, "No, honey, your sister is in Heaven, remember? This is for your friend."
I hear all the time people referencing us having baby #2. Well, I'm not hoping to have baby #2, cause that's you. People ask how many children we have, I say two. How will Anna answer that question of "Do you have any brothers and sisters?" The other kids at daycare have questioned who you are when Anna talks about you. It's probably confusing because the other kids who have siblings go to daycare with their siblings, yet Anna arrives alone.
I can remember when I was taking Anna to daycare last summer that one little girl of about 4 yrs old, saw that I wasn't pregnant anymore, and she excitedly asked me what I had. Of course with this sweet girl I was just able to say, "We had a little girl, her name is Mackenzie," just as if you were waiting in the car outside...
I hope you're following this crazy path I'm weaving tonight!! Mommy better say goodnight. Sweet dreams baby girl! I miss you!
Love forever,
Mommy
P.S. Oh and please watch at the gates for a sweet, curly red headed girl. Her name is Stella, her mommies say she's getting her wings pretty soon. I know Heaven is a wonderful, happy place, but I think her mommies will be happy to know you'll be their to help Jesus welcome her home. I think you'll just love her! She's very fiesty!
It could also be the change of seasons again. I find some of the seasonal changes hard. Maybe this one in particular because I really don't like being cold. As I see the leaves falling to the ground, being swirled around together, I also see the days that have fallen behind me. The days that have come and gone with out my precious daughter, days that I still question what could have went so tragically wrong to take my perfectly beautiful daughter from me, days that go by that I find no success with the treatment I'm on to try to conceive. As these days get lost in the rustling of the leaves, as the wind swirls that fog in around me once more, I can't help but question the plan... I know I should not question it, for only He knows what is meant for my life...
I don't question my faith in God himself, nor am I saying I question Him in the way of anger. I think I question more along the line of, what is the whole beauty of this journey of loss? For what beautiful ending have I lost such a precious child? I've heard to many times people say that God is making room for more in my life... but what is it?? Maybe I am questioning my faith? I honestly don't know. Am I?? Please, to my good Christian friends, many who have more biblical knowledge then myself, what is the answer??
I feel I am lost again... the emotions swirling high around me. It's a year the end of this week, that I took a 2.5 month leave from work. A year. Those days fallen behind me, endlessly raked together in to heaps, only to be tossed around and muddled together by the wind.
God said, "Ask what I should give you."
1 Kings 3:5
Dear Mackenzie,
Hi sweetheart, it's flu season. I had to get my shot at work today. It was last year that a really sweet and lovely health nurse/coworker, took the time to really, sincerely ask me how I was. She was the one who let me know it was ok to still be grieving and hurting. She made me recognize that I needed some more time...
I had to call the health unit about getting my immunizations updated. They must have "lost a baby" written on my file. As soon as she referred to my file she "knew" who I was. I'm the girl who "lost" her baby. She asked me how far in my pregnancy I was when you were "lost". Does it matter? When I get asked that question I always say "full term, 38 weeks". I feel the need for people to know that. You were in my tummy long enough to be fully developed.
I met grandpa, grandma and your big sister, Anna at the hall so we could get Anna's flu shot done. When grandma got hers done, she was with the nurse I had talked to earlier this morning. The nurse asked grandma if she was my mom. Grandma responded that she was my mother-in-law. The nurse told grandma how they, the nurses, just loved me. I think I was fresh in her mind... and who can't handle a little extra love?
Kenzie, momma's car is on the fritz, is getting time to get a new one... it's been suggested I get a mini van!! much to your daddy's horror!! I'm not so sure. What if we don't have any more little ones to fill all those empty seats?? We always thought that by the time my Jeep kicked the bucket, that we'd need to upgrade to a larger size SUV, now I'm thinking smaller, better fuel economy.
I'm not saying I'm giving up on providing you a younger sibling so you can be a big sister like Anna. I'm just not so sure it's in the plan. Anna was talking about you today. In a small, perhaps, but the impact on me was great. I had bought a gift for a birthday party we're attending next weekend and when she saw it she asked me if it was for her sister. I told her, "No, honey, your sister is in Heaven, remember? This is for your friend."
I hear all the time people referencing us having baby #2. Well, I'm not hoping to have baby #2, cause that's you. People ask how many children we have, I say two. How will Anna answer that question of "Do you have any brothers and sisters?" The other kids at daycare have questioned who you are when Anna talks about you. It's probably confusing because the other kids who have siblings go to daycare with their siblings, yet Anna arrives alone.
I can remember when I was taking Anna to daycare last summer that one little girl of about 4 yrs old, saw that I wasn't pregnant anymore, and she excitedly asked me what I had. Of course with this sweet girl I was just able to say, "We had a little girl, her name is Mackenzie," just as if you were waiting in the car outside...
I hope you're following this crazy path I'm weaving tonight!! Mommy better say goodnight. Sweet dreams baby girl! I miss you!
Love forever,
Mommy
P.S. Oh and please watch at the gates for a sweet, curly red headed girl. Her name is Stella, her mommies say she's getting her wings pretty soon. I know Heaven is a wonderful, happy place, but I think her mommies will be happy to know you'll be their to help Jesus welcome her home. I think you'll just love her! She's very fiesty!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
A Walk ro Remember 2012
The sun was shining, a nice breeze was blowing, the day was beautiful...
The emotions were not so overwhelming...
For our family, this year's Walk was more of a celebration and a day for Mackenzie, we shed no tears, but quietly remembered.
I don't want to overwhelm you with words and thoughts, so here are the pictures of our day. Just as a note, the teddy bears are donated and distributed to the Edmonton area hospitals for families who've endure infant loss. There were no baloons this year, as their is a helium shortage in Canada, so we blew bubbles.
Sorry this post took so long to make it to you! Thanks for your patience. This was the forth time I worked on it! Every previous attempt got deleted before all the photos loaded and saved!!
The emotions were not so overwhelming...
For our family, this year's Walk was more of a celebration and a day for Mackenzie, we shed no tears, but quietly remembered.
I don't want to overwhelm you with words and thoughts, so here are the pictures of our day. Just as a note, the teddy bears are donated and distributed to the Edmonton area hospitals for families who've endure infant loss. There were no baloons this year, as their is a helium shortage in Canada, so we blew bubbles.
Sorry this post took so long to make it to you! Thanks for your patience. This was the forth time I worked on it! Every previous attempt got deleted before all the photos loaded and saved!!
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Thanking God for an Angel Watching Over Me
God, you really do work in mysterious ways.
Today, while I was driving down the highway, about 5 Km from my house, I almost broadsided a horse. It was around 7:10, sun was just coming up and was making rainbow colors in the sky. I was coming up a steep hill and could see these 3 horses running in their pasture to my right. They were all running really fast. Our neighbour had just built a new fence, but left up the old one. I figured these horses were going to pass the old fence but have to stop at the new one. As I peaked the hill I realised that they were going way to fast to stop at the fence and that the gate must be open. I started to slam on the breaks. Squealing breaks, tires, the whole bit. I came to a complete stop just as the the first horse passed in front of me. He was just within inches of my bumper. The other two horses reared up and stopped just within inches of my driver door.
After getting ahold of the owner, I headed back out on the road, thanking God that I could go to work this morning. I was feeling very blessed. Had I broadsided that horse, it would have came right through my windshield, most likely doing me a lot of damage. Anna, was safely tucked into her car seat. Thankfully I am very very very strict about car seats being installed properly (just ask our parents and friends!). When I asked Anna if she was ok she stated, quite simply, "I'm fine!" What a kid!!
I have to wonder if our little Mackenzie angel was with us this morning. I'm pretty sure she was and so was God.
Feeling very very thankful!
Today, while I was driving down the highway, about 5 Km from my house, I almost broadsided a horse. It was around 7:10, sun was just coming up and was making rainbow colors in the sky. I was coming up a steep hill and could see these 3 horses running in their pasture to my right. They were all running really fast. Our neighbour had just built a new fence, but left up the old one. I figured these horses were going to pass the old fence but have to stop at the new one. As I peaked the hill I realised that they were going way to fast to stop at the fence and that the gate must be open. I started to slam on the breaks. Squealing breaks, tires, the whole bit. I came to a complete stop just as the the first horse passed in front of me. He was just within inches of my bumper. The other two horses reared up and stopped just within inches of my driver door.
After getting ahold of the owner, I headed back out on the road, thanking God that I could go to work this morning. I was feeling very blessed. Had I broadsided that horse, it would have came right through my windshield, most likely doing me a lot of damage. Anna, was safely tucked into her car seat. Thankfully I am very very very strict about car seats being installed properly (just ask our parents and friends!). When I asked Anna if she was ok she stated, quite simply, "I'm fine!" What a kid!!
I have to wonder if our little Mackenzie angel was with us this morning. I'm pretty sure she was and so was God.
Feeling very very thankful!
Friday, September 14, 2012
Ok! Here's blog post #100! And as promised some guest writers for you.
S - SWEET LITTLE GIRL, ANNA
U - UNITING HER FAMILY WITH LOVE
N - NUGGLING WITH MOMMY AND DADDY
S - SMILING WITH GIGANTIC DIMPLES
H - HUGGING HER MACKENZIE BEAR
I - IMAGINING EVERY RAINBOW IS SPECIAL
N - NEVER AFRAID TO REACH FOR THE STARS
E - ENJOYING LIFE
&
R - REMINDS US OF OUR LITTLE ANGEL
A - ALWAYS ON OUR MIND
I - IT WAS SO HARD TO LET YOU GO
N - NOT FULLY UNDERSTANDING, WHY!
B - BABY YOU WERE SO WANTED
O - OH, LORD TAKE CARE OF OUR ANGEL
W - WE PRAY FOR MACKENZIE’S HAPPINESS
S - SHE IS A SPECIAL RAINBOW
Grandma Lukan found a dove or angel in the sky.
Mackenzie visiting Grandma Lukan on her kitchen floor.
Submitted by Grandma Joan Lukan, my mom
Little Miss Mackenzie what a wonderful little girl you are. Yes, I am your Aunty and for some reason we seem to have a special connection. I am not sure why we do, but we do and I simply enjoy it rather than try to figure it out. For whatever reason Mackenzie loves to visit me at work or when I am travelling to work. She come to me through songs on the radio or beautiful rainbows in the sky. I rarely see rainbows other than when I am in my "office", a locomotive engine. Most often Mackenzie and I have our time together either Thursdays of Fridays....like I said I don't know why, I just enjoy. These two days I am always on the look out for rain storms coming and then I patiently wait for Mackenzie to appear in a rainbow. Sometimes she come in a bright single rainbow or two faded ones or some days she decided not to come, but I still think of her and she brings a smile to my lips.
When I think of Mackenzie I don't think of her as a tiny little baby, but a young girl perhaps she is around 4 or 5. You may wonder, " Why would you see Mackenzie not as a baby?" Well, the answer is simply....I was her in a painting. I had been searching and searching for the perfect gift to give Tyann, Jeff and Anna in memory of Mackenzie and I walked into an art store in Red Deer and there I saw Mackenzie. I don't think I've ever told Tyann about this picture, because first of all I can't afford this picture for them and secondly the picture might not have the same impact on them as it did for me (instead that same day I met a portrait artist from Red Deer who did a portrait of Mackenzie for Tyann, Jeff, Anna and both sets of grandparents).
This is the picture I was....Butterfly by Michael Godard.
Honestly, this picture does not do the actual print any justice, but it's the best I found online.
This is my Mackenzie, a beautiful little girl flying on a butterfly in the bright blue sky. I believe she's up in the clouds flying on her butterfly watching all of us and dropping off rainbows to those she wants to touch that day. When she's not checking up on people she is a little dare devil on her butterfly! Yes, she's zipping under, over and through clouds giggling and squealing. I love watching the clouds and wonder if she's chasing them as the clouds race by. I think Mackenzie is probably doing things that would make her mother's toes curl and her father smile his little smile.
Mackenzie, although we never had time together here on earth I feel very blessed that you visit me so often by dropping off a rainbow for me. You make me smile and laugh to myself. I hope that you are able to hear the little messages that I send you and that they touch your heart as you touch mine. Aunty loves you very much and I look forward to maybe riding with you on your butterfly one day.
Now for my little sister...I wish I could say that I knew how you feel, but I don't know what it feels like to have lost a child. I know that when I read your blog my heart aches for you and I have tears running down my cheeks. Maybe if I multiply my feelings by a 100 or more, then maybe that is what you feel. But still it is not the same and I try not to think that I have felt what you have felt or still do feel. I honestly, wish I knew how I could carry some of your burden for you and have some weight lifted from your shoulders. I wish I could tell you when all your dreams and wishes will come true, but I can't. Tyann, you are an amazing woman that I am proud to call my sister. I do want you to know that I am always here for you to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, and a friend to laugh with. Even though I may not show my emotion and support the way most people do, I will always be your big sister and will be by your side when you call on me.
Submitted by Aunty Leslie Lukan, my sister
My story of love and loss.
While maybe sometimes we feel like we’re floating around, I think most of us have an idea of which way life is headed. Be a kid, graduate high school; find something meaningful to do as an adult. Many of us also choose the family route. You know, find a good man, fall in love, get married, and have babies. Live life with a full heart and see what comes up. Having babies was always my calling I have dreamt of being a mother for as long as I can remember.
I had no idea that a heart could be full and empty at the same time. How could I know that the heartbreaking beauty of a tiny baby could be pain at its peak? There were a lot of things I didn’t know. At this time last year I was planning that second baby. I had been blessed with one perfect healthy beautiful child so full of life and love. And I was seeking another. Oh how naive I was. I knew of loss. Beautiful Mackenzie, she broke my heart. When Mackenzie was born to heaven, I was trying to conceive and put on blinders unable to contemplate the pain that Tyann and her family was going through. I couldn’t think of it without crying without my heart hurting. I always enjoyed reading Tyann posts I already felt a connection at this point but just didn’t know how to emotional deal with her loss. Oh how selfish, and naive.
God brings people together in so many ways, some unconventional. With the internet those conventions are changing. Some 4 years ago I was trying to find information about my pregnancy and I unknowingly changed a big part of my life. I found my Awesome Mamas on Baby Centre. Oh the things that we have shared (and perhaps over shared???) in the past 4 years!! But that was only the very beginning.
Fast forward to January 2012, I was comfortably pregnant, thinking everything was fabulous I already had a beautiful healthy daughter at home. I went for a dating u/s at 12 weeks; I think I even fibbed a little so I could get in early. It didn’t go as I thought, when I went back a week later for my results I was told that it was possible that our baby had what is called an omphalocele, a disorder where the stomach and other internal organs are on the outside instead of the inside. But my dr reassured me that it was possible that the dates were off that in the world of a tiny fetus 5 days could make a world of difference. I left the office with an appointment for a follow up u/s and confidence that it was a dating issue.
A week later my world started to crumble. It was confirmed that our baby did in fact have an omphalocele and we would have to go to Vancouver for further testing. Tyann was one of the first to offer me comfort. She virtually held my hand and gave me hope. I had so much hope, I was so frightened and so full of heartache and fear. But I still had hope that with our wonderful access to dr in our wonderful country that there was hope that they could fix him. January 19th I was in Vancouver for an in-depth, painfully long and silent u/s the last half hour was done by a kind lady dr. After two and half hours of silent torture I finally broke and asked her if she could tell me if I was having a boy or a girl. I knew the moments the words were out of my mouth that things were very bad. She told me that usually at 17 weeks they wouldn’t tell but under the circumstance she didn’t see any harm. We were having a baby boy. A baby boy that was not compatible with life. Those are the words she said “I’m so sorry but your baby is not compatible with life” the room really did go dark, my heart I’m not sure if it stopped or accelerated, my ears couldn’t hear just a loud roaring and somebody sobbing. I instantly felt sick and claustrophobic. I looked at my poor dear husband with begging eyes, hoping that he could change what I just heard, but he just sat there as helpless and heartbroken as me.
Not compatible with life? Not compatible with life, not compatible with holding him in my arms and nursing him, of first smiles, first laughs, of swinging on swings or running through the park. Not compatible with snuggling with his mama, or fighting with his sister. Not compatible with birthdays, and cake and skinned knees, and broken hearts and best friends. Not compatible with life.
The dr walked us through our u/s our dear son had so many things wrong, the little things, his hands were unable to open, he had a clubbed foot and rockers heal, the bigger things, spinal bifida, several large holes in his heart, and of course the omphalocele which contained, his stomach, liver and intestines. We got pictures like a normal u/s pictures but it was such a blur. I left that awful room to throw up in the bathroom and be ushered into a room to talk to councillors. I will leave that part of the story, it doesn’t get any better.
As soon as I got home I updated my Awesome Mamas (the group we had become) and stated writing back and forth a lot with Tyann and another mama Jenny. Without those two particular women I am positive I would have ended up hospitalized. They both held my hand, gave my feelings validation. They both shared their personal stories of loss. I got to know Mackenzie and Thomas; I can now picture them in my mind. They are both never far from my thoughts. I knew at this point that my son would be joining them in heaven all too soon.
On Februaury 23, 2012 I went into labour at our local hospital, with my husband at my side, I was 5 months pregnant. I was so sad, I refused to leave the bed, I was in pain, emotional and physical. I was heavily drugged and for a moment my husband left me alone, he needed to get a drink… I’m not sure. I called Tyann, it’s the only time I ever actually talked to her and heard her voice. I don’t remember what I said I don’t really remember what she said. But I remember that I didn’t feel alone while I talked her, I remembered feeling like she understood how I hurt. I remember wishing that NOBODY should know that pain and sadness. But she knew, and she was able to open her heart and hold my hand, to comfort me and remind me to breath.
I gave birth at 3 am on the 24th, when my water broke, I screamed, not in pain, but in heartache. I was not ready to say goodbye, it happened too fast. But 2 pushes later, they placed the body of my broken baby in my arms and my tears stopped. I don’t know why I don’t know if was the endorphins of labour or just how tiny and perfect he was to my eyes, but my tears just stopped.
Life and love are different. Perhaps he was incompatible with life, but I love him as much as a mother can love her children. It has taken me time to reach the realization that he knows that I love him, that he could feel it while he was in my womb that he looks down from heaven and knows that he is missed.
I spent the next hours making as many memories as I could, I held him and kissed him, I sang to him and read to him. I read a letter from Jenny, another awesome mama, and a poem I found online. I talked to him and told him how much I wanted him and loved him. How there were mamas all over Canada that knew him, and cared. I told him to find Mackenzie and Thomas that they would be his brother and sister in heaven. I had pictures taken, and hand and foot prints done. And while the dr and nurses kept telling me he was broken, I told them he was perfect, I think they thought I was crazy. I understood he was sick I get that, but he was just so beautiful despite it all and so tiny. I will say that leaving him the next day was the hardest part of all, it felt so wrong like I was abandoning him, and I felt so empty, so impossibly empty.
Grieving is such an ongoing process, I know now that only time can make things easier. My pain has not gone away, and I still think of Jacob on a daily basis, but I no longer cry every single day. I have done a few things to help myself heal, we planted an apple tree on my due date, July 1st. I made a scrapbook of my favorite pictures. I have a corner in my dining room with his memory box and his ashes. One day we will lay him to rest but I’m not there yet, I am still unable to part with him completely. I have a monkey that another awesome mama gave me that’s sits in his corner to keep him company and a little precious moment’s ornament my mother gave me of a little boy and a lamb. I truly believe I will never stop grieving. He will ALWAYS be my first born son, a baby that I ached to have, and a part of my heart and soul.
I don’t know what Gods plans are for us, I don’t understand the lessons he feels we need to learn from such loss, but one good thing came from my loss and that is the friendships that I made, friendships that I have never before had, with strength and meaning. I have an understanding of compassion and loss, of how to treat others in pain and heartache. I believe now that nobody can judge and gauge another’s pain, for each of us feels our heartaches differently. If ever you come across a person who has lost a baby and you don’t know what to say, don’t do what I did and turn away, tell them your sad, and tell them not that, things happen for a reason (even if they do) just tell them that your there for them, that you can listen or just hold them. I promise you they will appreciate it. Tyann, Jenny and the other awesome mamas did that for me, and I will NEVER be able to thank them enough.
S - SWEET LITTLE GIRL, ANNA
U - UNITING HER FAMILY WITH LOVE
N - NUGGLING WITH MOMMY AND DADDY
S - SMILING WITH GIGANTIC DIMPLES
H - HUGGING HER MACKENZIE BEAR
I - IMAGINING EVERY RAINBOW IS SPECIAL
N - NEVER AFRAID TO REACH FOR THE STARS
E - ENJOYING LIFE
&
R - REMINDS US OF OUR LITTLE ANGEL
A - ALWAYS ON OUR MIND
I - IT WAS SO HARD TO LET YOU GO
N - NOT FULLY UNDERSTANDING, WHY!
B - BABY YOU WERE SO WANTED
O - OH, LORD TAKE CARE OF OUR ANGEL
W - WE PRAY FOR MACKENZIE’S HAPPINESS
S - SHE IS A SPECIAL RAINBOW
Grandma Lukan found a dove or angel in the sky.
Mackenzie visiting Grandma Lukan on her kitchen floor.
Submitted by Grandma Joan Lukan, my mom
* * *
Little Miss Mackenzie what a wonderful little girl you are. Yes, I am your Aunty and for some reason we seem to have a special connection. I am not sure why we do, but we do and I simply enjoy it rather than try to figure it out. For whatever reason Mackenzie loves to visit me at work or when I am travelling to work. She come to me through songs on the radio or beautiful rainbows in the sky. I rarely see rainbows other than when I am in my "office", a locomotive engine. Most often Mackenzie and I have our time together either Thursdays of Fridays....like I said I don't know why, I just enjoy. These two days I am always on the look out for rain storms coming and then I patiently wait for Mackenzie to appear in a rainbow. Sometimes she come in a bright single rainbow or two faded ones or some days she decided not to come, but I still think of her and she brings a smile to my lips.
When I think of Mackenzie I don't think of her as a tiny little baby, but a young girl perhaps she is around 4 or 5. You may wonder, " Why would you see Mackenzie not as a baby?" Well, the answer is simply....I was her in a painting. I had been searching and searching for the perfect gift to give Tyann, Jeff and Anna in memory of Mackenzie and I walked into an art store in Red Deer and there I saw Mackenzie. I don't think I've ever told Tyann about this picture, because first of all I can't afford this picture for them and secondly the picture might not have the same impact on them as it did for me (instead that same day I met a portrait artist from Red Deer who did a portrait of Mackenzie for Tyann, Jeff, Anna and both sets of grandparents).
This is the picture I was....Butterfly by Michael Godard.
Honestly, this picture does not do the actual print any justice, but it's the best I found online.
This is my Mackenzie, a beautiful little girl flying on a butterfly in the bright blue sky. I believe she's up in the clouds flying on her butterfly watching all of us and dropping off rainbows to those she wants to touch that day. When she's not checking up on people she is a little dare devil on her butterfly! Yes, she's zipping under, over and through clouds giggling and squealing. I love watching the clouds and wonder if she's chasing them as the clouds race by. I think Mackenzie is probably doing things that would make her mother's toes curl and her father smile his little smile.
Mackenzie, although we never had time together here on earth I feel very blessed that you visit me so often by dropping off a rainbow for me. You make me smile and laugh to myself. I hope that you are able to hear the little messages that I send you and that they touch your heart as you touch mine. Aunty loves you very much and I look forward to maybe riding with you on your butterfly one day.
Now for my little sister...I wish I could say that I knew how you feel, but I don't know what it feels like to have lost a child. I know that when I read your blog my heart aches for you and I have tears running down my cheeks. Maybe if I multiply my feelings by a 100 or more, then maybe that is what you feel. But still it is not the same and I try not to think that I have felt what you have felt or still do feel. I honestly, wish I knew how I could carry some of your burden for you and have some weight lifted from your shoulders. I wish I could tell you when all your dreams and wishes will come true, but I can't. Tyann, you are an amazing woman that I am proud to call my sister. I do want you to know that I am always here for you to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, and a friend to laugh with. Even though I may not show my emotion and support the way most people do, I will always be your big sister and will be by your side when you call on me.
Submitted by Aunty Leslie Lukan, my sister
* * *
My story of love and loss.
While maybe sometimes we feel like we’re floating around, I think most of us have an idea of which way life is headed. Be a kid, graduate high school; find something meaningful to do as an adult. Many of us also choose the family route. You know, find a good man, fall in love, get married, and have babies. Live life with a full heart and see what comes up. Having babies was always my calling I have dreamt of being a mother for as long as I can remember.
I had no idea that a heart could be full and empty at the same time. How could I know that the heartbreaking beauty of a tiny baby could be pain at its peak? There were a lot of things I didn’t know. At this time last year I was planning that second baby. I had been blessed with one perfect healthy beautiful child so full of life and love. And I was seeking another. Oh how naive I was. I knew of loss. Beautiful Mackenzie, she broke my heart. When Mackenzie was born to heaven, I was trying to conceive and put on blinders unable to contemplate the pain that Tyann and her family was going through. I couldn’t think of it without crying without my heart hurting. I always enjoyed reading Tyann posts I already felt a connection at this point but just didn’t know how to emotional deal with her loss. Oh how selfish, and naive.
God brings people together in so many ways, some unconventional. With the internet those conventions are changing. Some 4 years ago I was trying to find information about my pregnancy and I unknowingly changed a big part of my life. I found my Awesome Mamas on Baby Centre. Oh the things that we have shared (and perhaps over shared???) in the past 4 years!! But that was only the very beginning.
Fast forward to January 2012, I was comfortably pregnant, thinking everything was fabulous I already had a beautiful healthy daughter at home. I went for a dating u/s at 12 weeks; I think I even fibbed a little so I could get in early. It didn’t go as I thought, when I went back a week later for my results I was told that it was possible that our baby had what is called an omphalocele, a disorder where the stomach and other internal organs are on the outside instead of the inside. But my dr reassured me that it was possible that the dates were off that in the world of a tiny fetus 5 days could make a world of difference. I left the office with an appointment for a follow up u/s and confidence that it was a dating issue.
A week later my world started to crumble. It was confirmed that our baby did in fact have an omphalocele and we would have to go to Vancouver for further testing. Tyann was one of the first to offer me comfort. She virtually held my hand and gave me hope. I had so much hope, I was so frightened and so full of heartache and fear. But I still had hope that with our wonderful access to dr in our wonderful country that there was hope that they could fix him. January 19th I was in Vancouver for an in-depth, painfully long and silent u/s the last half hour was done by a kind lady dr. After two and half hours of silent torture I finally broke and asked her if she could tell me if I was having a boy or a girl. I knew the moments the words were out of my mouth that things were very bad. She told me that usually at 17 weeks they wouldn’t tell but under the circumstance she didn’t see any harm. We were having a baby boy. A baby boy that was not compatible with life. Those are the words she said “I’m so sorry but your baby is not compatible with life” the room really did go dark, my heart I’m not sure if it stopped or accelerated, my ears couldn’t hear just a loud roaring and somebody sobbing. I instantly felt sick and claustrophobic. I looked at my poor dear husband with begging eyes, hoping that he could change what I just heard, but he just sat there as helpless and heartbroken as me.
Not compatible with life? Not compatible with life, not compatible with holding him in my arms and nursing him, of first smiles, first laughs, of swinging on swings or running through the park. Not compatible with snuggling with his mama, or fighting with his sister. Not compatible with birthdays, and cake and skinned knees, and broken hearts and best friends. Not compatible with life.
The dr walked us through our u/s our dear son had so many things wrong, the little things, his hands were unable to open, he had a clubbed foot and rockers heal, the bigger things, spinal bifida, several large holes in his heart, and of course the omphalocele which contained, his stomach, liver and intestines. We got pictures like a normal u/s pictures but it was such a blur. I left that awful room to throw up in the bathroom and be ushered into a room to talk to councillors. I will leave that part of the story, it doesn’t get any better.
As soon as I got home I updated my Awesome Mamas (the group we had become) and stated writing back and forth a lot with Tyann and another mama Jenny. Without those two particular women I am positive I would have ended up hospitalized. They both held my hand, gave my feelings validation. They both shared their personal stories of loss. I got to know Mackenzie and Thomas; I can now picture them in my mind. They are both never far from my thoughts. I knew at this point that my son would be joining them in heaven all too soon.
On Februaury 23, 2012 I went into labour at our local hospital, with my husband at my side, I was 5 months pregnant. I was so sad, I refused to leave the bed, I was in pain, emotional and physical. I was heavily drugged and for a moment my husband left me alone, he needed to get a drink… I’m not sure. I called Tyann, it’s the only time I ever actually talked to her and heard her voice. I don’t remember what I said I don’t really remember what she said. But I remember that I didn’t feel alone while I talked her, I remembered feeling like she understood how I hurt. I remember wishing that NOBODY should know that pain and sadness. But she knew, and she was able to open her heart and hold my hand, to comfort me and remind me to breath.
I gave birth at 3 am on the 24th, when my water broke, I screamed, not in pain, but in heartache. I was not ready to say goodbye, it happened too fast. But 2 pushes later, they placed the body of my broken baby in my arms and my tears stopped. I don’t know why I don’t know if was the endorphins of labour or just how tiny and perfect he was to my eyes, but my tears just stopped.
Jacob Christian Kovacvich
Life and love are different. Perhaps he was incompatible with life, but I love him as much as a mother can love her children. It has taken me time to reach the realization that he knows that I love him, that he could feel it while he was in my womb that he looks down from heaven and knows that he is missed.
I spent the next hours making as many memories as I could, I held him and kissed him, I sang to him and read to him. I read a letter from Jenny, another awesome mama, and a poem I found online. I talked to him and told him how much I wanted him and loved him. How there were mamas all over Canada that knew him, and cared. I told him to find Mackenzie and Thomas that they would be his brother and sister in heaven. I had pictures taken, and hand and foot prints done. And while the dr and nurses kept telling me he was broken, I told them he was perfect, I think they thought I was crazy. I understood he was sick I get that, but he was just so beautiful despite it all and so tiny. I will say that leaving him the next day was the hardest part of all, it felt so wrong like I was abandoning him, and I felt so empty, so impossibly empty.
Grieving is such an ongoing process, I know now that only time can make things easier. My pain has not gone away, and I still think of Jacob on a daily basis, but I no longer cry every single day. I have done a few things to help myself heal, we planted an apple tree on my due date, July 1st. I made a scrapbook of my favorite pictures. I have a corner in my dining room with his memory box and his ashes. One day we will lay him to rest but I’m not there yet, I am still unable to part with him completely. I have a monkey that another awesome mama gave me that’s sits in his corner to keep him company and a little precious moment’s ornament my mother gave me of a little boy and a lamb. I truly believe I will never stop grieving. He will ALWAYS be my first born son, a baby that I ached to have, and a part of my heart and soul.
I don’t know what Gods plans are for us, I don’t understand the lessons he feels we need to learn from such loss, but one good thing came from my loss and that is the friendships that I made, friendships that I have never before had, with strength and meaning. I have an understanding of compassion and loss, of how to treat others in pain and heartache. I believe now that nobody can judge and gauge another’s pain, for each of us feels our heartaches differently. If ever you come across a person who has lost a baby and you don’t know what to say, don’t do what I did and turn away, tell them your sad, and tell them not that, things happen for a reason (even if they do) just tell them that your there for them, that you can listen or just hold them. I promise you they will appreciate it. Tyann, Jenny and the other awesome mamas did that for me, and I will NEVER be able to thank them enough.
And just to give you all hope, I am now expecting my rainbow baby, it’s so very early but I’m hopeful and terrified, but so hopeful. One day soon it will be Tyann’s turn I’m just so sure of it.
Submitted by Ruby Kovacvich, one my best friends, I hope to someday meet in person.
* * *
Well, I hope you enjoyed the 100th post and the submissions of my guest posters!! I sure feel blessed to have these three women in my life. Thank for taking the time and emotion to honor my sweet little girl.
Tyann
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)