Difficult Questions and Answers

I stole this from the blog of a good friend.  I was snooping through her blog a couple weeks ago and found these questions, and really thought I should think about and answer them.

I want to know if you think about them often....Yes, everyday.  Maybe I do right now because everything is still so fresh and raw.  How can I not?  At work today someone asked me how I was and in my answer came, "I constantly think of the fact that I am not supposed to be here (work) right now".  I am supposed to be on maternity leave...  Yesterday, one of the many times I thought of Mackenzie was when we sat in a restaurant for supper... what would this be like with a newborn?

I want to know what reminds you of them....
- rainbows
- the song "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry
- white roses

I want to know what you remember most about that pregnancy....
How "easy" it was.  I felt so good (until I got really anxious at about 35 weeks), I was so happy with how healthy I felt, and how I watched what I ate, and didn't gain a whole bunch of extra weight.

I want to know if their siblings remind you of them....
Yes, I don't know why.  Anna and Mackenzie didn't look alike... but I know that when I look into Anna's eyes, Mackenzie's would have been the same... beautiful, eyes like her daddy's.

What do you think their personality would be....
Well, I think Mackenzie would have been a very calm little girl.  Easy going, good natured, mellow, like her daddy.  We all know Anna has enough fire cracker in her!

What do you look forward to the most in seeing them again someday......
To give her a kiss, and sing to her.  To hold that little angel in my arms and cuddle her.  To see her smile.  To see how much she looks like her daddy.  And you know what?  As I'm being honest, I have to say, to know why...

I want to know how you grieve and what makes you grieve....
I don't know the answer to this question.  It changes day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute, moment to moment...  What made me grieve the hardest was the birth a very special little girl.  Her mommy had a difficult pregnancy.  Mackenzie and her are cousins.  This little girl was born 2 months to the day, Mackenzie was born.  They would have grown up together.  Us mommies had planned to share all those moments of their childhoods.  I guess we still are through that little girl.  Meeting that baby in the hospital was the second hardest thing I've done this year.  I knew I had to do it, but it was hard.  I didn't make it through the door to the hospital room before I broke down.  I held that precious angel and wept.  I wept for the gift this family received, the true blessing that child is.  I grieved for their happiness... for the happiness my heart aches for. I cried for the overwhelming feeling of grattitude I had to God for watching over this child and delivering her safely to the arms of her family.  I wept for what they had, and for what I lost.

This is a complicated answer...  sorry!  Putting Anna to bed makes me grieve.  I sing her the same songs every night;  the same songs I sang to Mackenzie when I went to rock her at the funeral home.

And are there certain dates that it seems to hit the hardest.....
The 21st of the month.  I always think she would be ___ months old... I know her birthday will, and her due date was very hard.  I am anxious about Christmas...  I know that will be a tough one too, especially this year, when we imagined Christmas 2011 with our two children.

And what were you expecting in grief and how did it surprise you.....
That it keeps going.  I mean of course it does, but it hurts over and over again.  You think you're doing "fine" and BAM!  grief hits you like it never has before.  Jeff's dear cousin passed away 3 months after Mackenzie, neither one of us were ready for the way that loss was going to hit us.  We grieved so hard, not only for the loss of life, but for how we could only imagine how his parents, wife and children felt.  We grieved because now we had to good of an idea of how they may have felt.
I didn't expect that grief would hit me with every new baby born to a close friend or relative.  Or how the news of a new baby on the way would affect me the way it does. 

And what did you learn through their life and death....and through the pain that follows....
I learned just how true my belief in God is.  Mackenzie's short life tought me so much about my faith.  It has strengthened my relationship with our Saviour and made me more aware.  I have learnt not to take for granted that little life being created.  The pain has tought me how real I am.  And her death, how important is that I love my family in every moment, and take nothing for granted...

And how did their life change yours and what are you thankful for??
I am thankful that her life has made me want to be a better person, she has taught me so much about how deep love flows.  How much faith I really do have.  I am thankful for her.  Even though I do not get to hold her here, I would not take anything back if it meant erasing her all together.  I am thankful she made me a mommy of two beautiful daugters, and I am proud to have an angel.  I believe she has made me a better, more patient mommy.  I will never look at pregnancy the same way, children are a gift, to be cherished from the moment they are conceived.