Will Grief Follow Me?

First off, I must say a big "THANK YOU" to mom and dad.  We met half way (a two hour drive or more each) yesterday.  And I did it, I said goodbye to my sweet little girl and watched her drive off in Grandpa's new truck.

I was so anxious.  This is the first time she'll be away from Mommy.  Yes, she's stayed overnight with Jeff's parents numerous times, but they live just down the road, ten minutes away.  And yes, she stayed with a complete stranger (to her, not to me) when Mackenzie was born, but that was special circumstances, and after all, she was with her BFF... and still she was, at tops, 20 minutes away.  Anna has been away from Daddy for extended periods - for example when we've went to Grandma and Grandpa's for visits and he's at home working.  But this is the first time that she's been THIS          FAR        AWAY!

Jeff even called yesterday morning to talk to her (she was sleeping when he left for work) because he already missed her - we hadn't even left our house yet.  I think it's all together different now.  After you loose a child, you really look at your sweet little daughter in a new light.  I loved her before, and now it's like I'm loving her the amount I loved her before and even more, because I love her the amount that I had reserved for Mackenzie.  Not that I don't love our little angel in Heaven.  But that's a different love.  Now when I hug Anna, I hug her a little more, maybe because I want to give a hug to two little girls, but can only hug one.

Letting Anna go to Grandpa and Grandma's was hard.  I often envelope myself in Anna, maybe to hide from what's inside, to keep myself from going there.  I cried myself to sleep last night.  Not really because I missed Anna, although I do.  But because leaving her, made me miss Mackenzie that much more.  I feel like as Christmas creeps up on me, I am going backwards. 

We didn't let Anna go to Grandpa and Grandma's for no reason.  Yah, maybe we do need a little "break"... or so people say.  But I don't feel like I should.  I chose to have children, I chose to change my lifestyle in order to raise them, love them, and be the best parent I can be.  Yes, it will be good for all of us.  Yes, Anna is in the best hands ever.  Yes, Anna will be fine.  Back to the reason... today, December 2, is the 5 year anniversary of our engagement.  Can you believe? 5 years.  So we're going back to the place Jeff proposed.  The top of the mountain.  (If Jeff was here I could tell you the name of the mountain, but he's at work.)  We're going to enjoy a day of skiing/snowboarding.   Everyone tells me we need this time.  My counsellor made me promise to go.  But at the same time, I feel like I'm leaving Anna out.  She's part of our family. 

March 28, 2007 - Panarama - Our Honeymoon

I wonder if this mini vacation will do something to change my grief?  Will it give us, as a couple, a chance to catch it?  It's not something we talk about everyday.  I'm not sure why, maybe cause it's flooding and so real when, as husband and wife, mommy and daddy, we talk about loosing our little baby.  Maybe because we can't go there everyday.  Maybe it's hard for Jeff to see me cry, cause I know it's hard for me to see him cry.  I don't understand that.  Maybe if we don't see each other cry, we think the other is not hurting inside as bad as we are.  When I see Jeff upset, I know his heart is breaking, he feels like he's choking, he can't think, I know that he hurts, and I don't want him to hurt the way I hurt, because it's to much.  I know he feels this way, cause I do too.  Of course he hurts, he's her daddy.

I know "getting away" will be great, but will grief follow me?  Will it be there when we get to our favourite hotel tonight?  Will it follow us to the top of our mountain?  Will it come to dinner with us at our favourite dining spot?  Where do I pack it?  I wish I could take grief off my heart for the weekend, and put it at the bottom of  my Rossignol ski bag.  Just for the weekend.  Taking this "break" doesn't feel like a "break" because it's not Anna I needed the "break" from.  Mom and Dad, if I said come back to that half way point and pick up my grief, would you?  Would grief go with you as willingly as Anna?  Would grief be so excited to leave my arms and enter yours, just for the weekend?  I promise I'd pick it up when I get back.  Would you make a little bed on the floor for grief?  Would you take grief to town, and let it look at the toys in the old store while you get groceries?  Would grief have a great time playing in the snow with grandpa?  Or do you think that grief would refuse to go and follow me?