S - SWEET LITTLE GIRL, ANNA
U - UNITING HER FAMILY WITH LOVE
N - NUGGLING WITH MOMMY AND DADDY
S - SMILING WITH GIGANTIC DIMPLES
H - HUGGING HER MACKENZIE BEAR
I - IMAGINING EVERY RAINBOW IS SPECIAL
N - NEVER AFRAID TO REACH FOR THE STARS
E - ENJOYING LIFE
&
R - REMINDS US OF OUR LITTLE ANGEL
A - ALWAYS ON OUR MIND
I - IT WAS SO HARD TO LET YOU GO
N - NOT FULLY UNDERSTANDING, WHY!
B - BABY YOU WERE SO WANTED
O - OH, LORD TAKE CARE OF OUR ANGEL
W - WE PRAY FOR MACKENZIE’S HAPPINESS
S - SHE IS A SPECIAL RAINBOW
Grandma Lukan found a dove or angel in the sky.
Mackenzie visiting Grandma Lukan on her kitchen floor.
Submitted by Grandma Joan Lukan, my mom
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Little Miss Mackenzie what a wonderful little girl you are. Yes, I am your Aunty and for some reason we seem to have a special connection. I am not sure why we do, but we do and I simply enjoy it rather than try to figure it out. For whatever reason Mackenzie loves to visit me at work or when I am travelling to work. She come to me through songs on the radio or beautiful rainbows in the sky. I rarely see rainbows other than when I am in my "office", a locomotive engine. Most often Mackenzie and I have our time together either Thursdays of Fridays....like I said I don't know why, I just enjoy. These two days I am always on the look out for rain storms coming and then I patiently wait for Mackenzie to appear in a rainbow. Sometimes she come in a bright single rainbow or two faded ones or some days she decided not to come, but I still think of her and she brings a smile to my lips.
When I think of Mackenzie I don't think of her as a tiny little baby, but a young girl perhaps she is around 4 or 5. You may wonder, " Why would you see Mackenzie not as a baby?" Well, the answer is simply....I was her in a painting. I had been searching and searching for the perfect gift to give Tyann, Jeff and Anna in memory of Mackenzie and I walked into an art store in Red Deer and there I saw Mackenzie. I don't think I've ever told Tyann about this picture, because first of all I can't afford this picture for them and secondly the picture might not have the same impact on them as it did for me (instead that same day I met a portrait artist from Red Deer who did a portrait of Mackenzie for Tyann, Jeff, Anna and both sets of grandparents).
This is the picture I was....Butterfly by Michael Godard.
Honestly, this picture does not do the actual print any justice, but it's the best I found online.
This is my Mackenzie, a beautiful little girl flying on a butterfly in the bright blue sky. I believe she's up in the clouds flying on her butterfly watching all of us and dropping off rainbows to those she wants to touch that day. When she's not checking up on people she is a little dare devil on her butterfly! Yes, she's zipping under, over and through clouds giggling and squealing. I love watching the clouds and wonder if she's chasing them as the clouds race by. I think Mackenzie is probably doing things that would make her mother's toes curl and her father smile his little smile.
Mackenzie, although we never had time together here on earth I feel very blessed that you visit me so often by dropping off a rainbow for me. You make me smile and laugh to myself. I hope that you are able to hear the little messages that I send you and that they touch your heart as you touch mine. Aunty loves you very much and I look forward to maybe riding with you on your butterfly one day.
Now for my little sister...I wish I could say that I knew how you feel, but I don't know what it feels like to have lost a child. I know that when I read your blog my heart aches for you and I have tears running down my cheeks. Maybe if I multiply my feelings by a 100 or more, then maybe that is what you feel. But still it is not the same and I try not to think that I have felt what you have felt or still do feel. I honestly, wish I knew how I could carry some of your burden for you and have some weight lifted from your shoulders. I wish I could tell you when all your dreams and wishes will come true, but I can't. Tyann, you are an amazing woman that I am proud to call my sister. I do want you to know that I am always here for you to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, and a friend to laugh with. Even though I may not show my emotion and support the way most people do, I will always be your big sister and will be by your side when you call on me.
Submitted by Aunty Leslie Lukan, my sister
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My story of love and loss.
While maybe sometimes we feel like we’re floating around, I think most of us have an idea of which way life is headed. Be a kid, graduate high school; find something meaningful to do as an adult. Many of us also choose the family route. You know, find a good man, fall in love, get married, and have babies. Live life with a full heart and see what comes up. Having babies was always my calling I have dreamt of being a mother for as long as I can remember.
I had no idea that a heart could be full and empty at the same time. How could I know that the heartbreaking beauty of a tiny baby could be pain at its peak? There were a lot of things I didn’t know. At this time last year I was planning that second baby. I had been blessed with one perfect healthy beautiful child so full of life and love. And I was seeking another. Oh how naive I was. I knew of loss. Beautiful Mackenzie, she broke my heart. When Mackenzie was born to heaven, I was trying to conceive and put on blinders unable to contemplate the pain that Tyann and her family was going through. I couldn’t think of it without crying without my heart hurting. I always enjoyed reading Tyann posts I already felt a connection at this point but just didn’t know how to emotional deal with her loss. Oh how selfish, and naive.
God brings people together in so many ways, some unconventional. With the internet those conventions are changing. Some 4 years ago I was trying to find information about my pregnancy and I unknowingly changed a big part of my life. I found my Awesome Mamas on Baby Centre. Oh the things that we have shared (and perhaps over shared???) in the past 4 years!! But that was only the very beginning.
Fast forward to January 2012, I was comfortably pregnant, thinking everything was fabulous I already had a beautiful healthy daughter at home. I went for a dating u/s at 12 weeks; I think I even fibbed a little so I could get in early. It didn’t go as I thought, when I went back a week later for my results I was told that it was possible that our baby had what is called an omphalocele, a disorder where the stomach and other internal organs are on the outside instead of the inside. But my dr reassured me that it was possible that the dates were off that in the world of a tiny fetus 5 days could make a world of difference. I left the office with an appointment for a follow up u/s and confidence that it was a dating issue.
A week later my world started to crumble. It was confirmed that our baby did in fact have an omphalocele and we would have to go to Vancouver for further testing. Tyann was one of the first to offer me comfort. She virtually held my hand and gave me hope. I had so much hope, I was so frightened and so full of heartache and fear. But I still had hope that with our wonderful access to dr in our wonderful country that there was hope that they could fix him. January 19th I was in Vancouver for an in-depth, painfully long and silent u/s the last half hour was done by a kind lady dr. After two and half hours of silent torture I finally broke and asked her if she could tell me if I was having a boy or a girl. I knew the moments the words were out of my mouth that things were very bad. She told me that usually at 17 weeks they wouldn’t tell but under the circumstance she didn’t see any harm. We were having a baby boy. A baby boy that was not compatible with life. Those are the words she said “I’m so sorry but your baby is not compatible with life” the room really did go dark, my heart I’m not sure if it stopped or accelerated, my ears couldn’t hear just a loud roaring and somebody sobbing. I instantly felt sick and claustrophobic. I looked at my poor dear husband with begging eyes, hoping that he could change what I just heard, but he just sat there as helpless and heartbroken as me.
Not compatible with life? Not compatible with life, not compatible with holding him in my arms and nursing him, of first smiles, first laughs, of swinging on swings or running through the park. Not compatible with snuggling with his mama, or fighting with his sister. Not compatible with birthdays, and cake and skinned knees, and broken hearts and best friends. Not compatible with life.
The dr walked us through our u/s our dear son had so many things wrong, the little things, his hands were unable to open, he had a clubbed foot and rockers heal, the bigger things, spinal bifida, several large holes in his heart, and of course the omphalocele which contained, his stomach, liver and intestines. We got pictures like a normal u/s pictures but it was such a blur. I left that awful room to throw up in the bathroom and be ushered into a room to talk to councillors. I will leave that part of the story, it doesn’t get any better.
As soon as I got home I updated my Awesome Mamas (the group we had become) and stated writing back and forth a lot with Tyann and another mama Jenny. Without those two particular women I am positive I would have ended up hospitalized. They both held my hand, gave my feelings validation. They both shared their personal stories of loss. I got to know Mackenzie and Thomas; I can now picture them in my mind. They are both never far from my thoughts. I knew at this point that my son would be joining them in heaven all too soon.
On Februaury 23, 2012 I went into labour at our local hospital, with my husband at my side, I was 5 months pregnant. I was so sad, I refused to leave the bed, I was in pain, emotional and physical. I was heavily drugged and for a moment my husband left me alone, he needed to get a drink… I’m not sure. I called Tyann, it’s the only time I ever actually talked to her and heard her voice. I don’t remember what I said I don’t really remember what she said. But I remember that I didn’t feel alone while I talked her, I remembered feeling like she understood how I hurt. I remember wishing that NOBODY should know that pain and sadness. But she knew, and she was able to open her heart and hold my hand, to comfort me and remind me to breath.
I gave birth at 3 am on the 24th, when my water broke, I screamed, not in pain, but in heartache. I was not ready to say goodbye, it happened too fast. But 2 pushes later, they placed the body of my broken baby in my arms and my tears stopped. I don’t know why I don’t know if was the endorphins of labour or just how tiny and perfect he was to my eyes, but my tears just stopped.
Jacob Christian Kovacvich
Life and love are different. Perhaps he was incompatible with life, but I love him as much as a mother can love her children. It has taken me time to reach the realization that he knows that I love him, that he could feel it while he was in my womb that he looks down from heaven and knows that he is missed.
I spent the next hours making as many memories as I could, I held him and kissed him, I sang to him and read to him. I read a letter from Jenny, another awesome mama, and a poem I found online. I talked to him and told him how much I wanted him and loved him. How there were mamas all over Canada that knew him, and cared. I told him to find Mackenzie and Thomas that they would be his brother and sister in heaven. I had pictures taken, and hand and foot prints done. And while the dr and nurses kept telling me he was broken, I told them he was perfect, I think they thought I was crazy. I understood he was sick I get that, but he was just so beautiful despite it all and so tiny. I will say that leaving him the next day was the hardest part of all, it felt so wrong like I was abandoning him, and I felt so empty, so impossibly empty.
Grieving is such an ongoing process, I know now that only time can make things easier. My pain has not gone away, and I still think of Jacob on a daily basis, but I no longer cry every single day. I have done a few things to help myself heal, we planted an apple tree on my due date, July 1st. I made a scrapbook of my favorite pictures. I have a corner in my dining room with his memory box and his ashes. One day we will lay him to rest but I’m not there yet, I am still unable to part with him completely. I have a monkey that another awesome mama gave me that’s sits in his corner to keep him company and a little precious moment’s ornament my mother gave me of a little boy and a lamb. I truly believe I will never stop grieving. He will ALWAYS be my first born son, a baby that I ached to have, and a part of my heart and soul.
I don’t know what Gods plans are for us, I don’t understand the lessons he feels we need to learn from such loss, but one good thing came from my loss and that is the friendships that I made, friendships that I have never before had, with strength and meaning. I have an understanding of compassion and loss, of how to treat others in pain and heartache. I believe now that nobody can judge and gauge another’s pain, for each of us feels our heartaches differently. If ever you come across a person who has lost a baby and you don’t know what to say, don’t do what I did and turn away, tell them your sad, and tell them not that, things happen for a reason (even if they do) just tell them that your there for them, that you can listen or just hold them. I promise you they will appreciate it. Tyann, Jenny and the other awesome mamas did that for me, and I will NEVER be able to thank them enough.
And just to give you all hope, I am now expecting my rainbow baby, it’s so very early but I’m hopeful and terrified, but so hopeful. One day soon it will be Tyann’s turn I’m just so sure of it.
Submitted by Ruby Kovacvich, one my best friends, I hope to someday meet in person.
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Well, I hope you enjoyed the 100th post and the submissions of my guest posters!! I sure feel blessed to have these three women in my life. Thank for taking the time and emotion to honor my sweet little girl.
Tyann
