Grief Stage # 5 - ANGER

Anger  (this is #5, but since I just got here today, I figured I'd skip ahead)
I was told that I would go through this stage.  Actually, this is one of the first ones I was warned about.  People would comment:

"You may be angry with friends who are pregnant."
"You may be angry at the doctors for not catching things sooner."
"You may be angry when you here of others who are announcing their pregnancies."
"You may be angry when you see other women with newborns."
"You may even be angry with God."
"You may be angry at yourself..."

The book the counsellor gave me on grief, that explains these stages, suggests that I may be angry with Mackenzie died and left me alone...  well I don't feel that way, I'm not alone.  O that she caused me such horrible pain.  I don't feel that way either.  What ever happened to our angel was not her fault.

Anger is reasonable.  We are encouraged to find it, recognise it, acknowledge it, and express the anger.  It's OK to be angry, and I'm reading that I'm not supposed to feel guilty about it, which i do.  I'm trying not to let it consume me...  As the book says, I will live with it for a while, and then I'll let it go... when I'm ready. 

Thank you to a couple good friends who've really listened to my anger.  Even though I'm making excuses for it at the same time, your listening helps me express that anger.

I can't really get into the reason for my anger here, on my blog.  But let's just say, I'm angry at myself for being naive.  In what way?  a few... like taking for granted that a baby was going to arrive after 40 weeks, all healthy, and crying.  And well, there's more to it then just that...

*   *   *

On a happy note...

• today i spent the afternoon with Kimmy.  I picked up lunch and we ate at her place then went to the indoor play centre.
• I got to gab it up with a bunch of other fun mommies!  always a good time!
• I stopped at the small town thrift store "The Good as New" and found some treasures!  A .50 cent pair of Oakley sunglasses for Anna AND a $1 high chair thingy that has clamps on it so you can clamp it on a table!!!  And it's a Phil and Ted's!!  (that's a very good quality and pricey brand name of baby gear)  And this thingy matches our Phil and Ted's stroller!  so happy about that!  I love a great deal!!  As I would say to my mother in law "It's like FREE!!!!"
• I got to clean the house a bit this evening!  (believe me, this is something to be happy about!)
• Anna fell asleep on the way home, as I was coming up to the church I thought I would like to stop and pay a visit to Mackenzie.  It was nice.  It was quiet, except for the odd vehicle on the highway.  I always wonder if people who pass by when I'm there wonder why I'm here, who I'm "visiting"... 
• I choked back the tears as I sang Mackenzie's funeral song... "Away in a Manger"
• I got an email from one of my mommies that is coming out my way later this winter.  A group of us are going to meet up!!!  I'm so excited!!!  Two of the ladies I've met before, but one I haven't!!  This is a HUGE deal to me!  think of how you felt about Santa Claus when you were 4...  YAH!  that BIG!!

As I left that beautiful spot this afternoon I thought to myself how this often doesn't feel real to me.  How I feel like thishas happened to someone else.  Someone commented to me last week that she thought that this only happens to "bad" people.  You know the women who do drugs, smoke, eat terrible, our not taking care of themselves, drink, don't take their vitamins, don't go to the doctor... you know, those people, not ordinary people like me.  Sometimes I feel like I'm still watching a very sad movie.  You know those movies that you sniffle at, and hold back those tears?  And then, I go to her spot, Mackenzie's earthly resting place, and I see HER name printed on that memorial... Mackenzie Mary Erikssen... our baby's name.  I really try not to think about the little white casket, that lays under the ground, I strain to shut out the images in my mind...

Friday Night Leftovers - Playing in the Dark

What's better then taking your 2 & 1/2 year old outside to play in the dark?  We put handlamps on and the three of head out to explore our yard.  Everything is "new' a night.  We walk, pull Anna in the sleigh, watch Anna run down the driveway.  Every once in a while she "falls" cause "there is just so much snow mommy!"  yah, all 3' of it...  we also check out all the dear, coyote, and little critter tracks.

And we make...

SNOW ANGELS!!

Thankful Thursday - Mommies & Compassion

Compassion  -   'compati'
                                      - com  -  with
                                      - pati   -   to suffer, to bear
      Compassion - "suffer together with another"


Today I got a special gift in the mail from one of my mommies.  (yes, I'm referring to the group of beautiful, talented moms I met on line about 3 & 1/2 years ago.)  I got a sweet little letter, and two beautiful pictures.

This is what the letter said (for the sake of privacy I will leave out their names): 

" Hi Tyann,
Every morning when my son wakes up, i ask him if he had a good sleep and good dreams.  He always answer "Yes!"  Then I ask what he dreamt about, to which he always answers, "monkeys, tigers, and cars."  It's always those three things!  This morning he said he dreamt of rainbows.  I thought of you right away, he's been talking about rainbows all morning and wanted to colour rainbows.  It only seems right to share with you!
Luv, Mommy and little boy"

Here are the beautiful pictures they sent:

In my opinion, what this little boy and his mommy show are compassion.  Thank you dear friends.  I am truly greatful for every single one of my "mommies".  There is not a day that goes by that I don't refer to them.  Everyone is getting used to it... maybe sick of it... LOL.

The theme of my whole week seemed to be compassion, and I didn't realise it until late into my shift on Monday.  We had a little "in service" on compassion.  I realised that my crying in the hallway over the loss of someones loved one, is compassion.  Taking the time to go to Brennan's resting place on his birthday, is compassion.  Helping my father in law with his injured horse, is compassion.  All of us mommies rallying behind and supporting a mommy going through a difficult time, is compassion.  Replacing my coworker at a bunch of meetings so she could finish her day on time, is compassion.  Even putting Anna to bed early tonight (cause last night she was a wreck and no one was happy), is an act of compassion to our family. 

Many people have shown me compassion in the last 8 months.  Those who have cried with me.  Those who have stopped in with a meal for my family.  Those who have offered to prepare meals for us.  Those who sent cards.  Everyone who helped with the purchase of Mackenzie's headstone.  Those who have called me up to see how I'm doing.  Many friends who keep me included in things I like to do.  My friends and coworkers who are all supportive.  My superiors at work, who helped me when I needed 10 weeks off from work.  The counsellor I went to see.  My doctor... oh the list goes on and on.  These people have all suffered along with me in the grief I feel over loosing someone so precious.

Compassion is all around you.  Compassion softens the heart, and eases the spirit.  Compassion is a beautiful thing for those receiving and the ones giving.

When was the last time you received some compassion? 

When was the last time you showed some one compassion?

Happy Birthday Baby Brennan

Happy 4th Birthday Brennan!

It is Brennan's 4th birthday today.  Today is that day for his family.  Jenn, his mommy, has been a special friend to me, guiding me through my grief and providing me with hope.  I wanted to commemorate his birthday for his family, and share it with them.  They've moved away and could not go to Brennan's resting place today.  I messaged his mommy this morning, and asked if there was anything special I could take.  She answered an orange rose, if not a red one, or orange Gerber daisies.  I phoned my florist, I love her - she did our wedding flowers and Mackenzie's and she does bouquets for me the odd time.  My florist was closed today.  So I called another.  She didn't have orange roses, or Gerber's.  We improvised, she did a great job.  I think it was not meant to be for me to take that orange rose.  I think that the orange rose is special, for mommy, daddy, Kellan, Kalli and baby to take.  In the end, I guess we started a new tradition. 

This is Brennan's story.

 

"Angel That's Lost" - Jenn Beaupre

Amazing!  That's the first word that comes to my mind.  We just came back from the "Kinsella Performing Arts Guild", where we saw Jenn Beaupre perform.  Wow!  I swear that was meant to be.  The thing is, we bought these tickets last February 2011.  Why would we have tickets to see this particular woman sing tonight?  We bought those tickets before we knew that we were going to break.  Before we knew we were going to have the hardest summer and season in our lives.  Before we knew... that our lives were to be changed for ever.  Jenn was booked for this show before she knew, her best friend's brother would take his own life.  Before she knew she was going to write a song called "Angel That's Lost".  Before anyone knew that her being there tonight, and my hearing her sing that song would release me from emotion I never knew I had. 

Don't you see?  God DOES have a plan for each and every one of us.  He knew!  He knew exactly what was going on all along.  He knew He was going to put me and Jenn in the same room tonight, I needed to hear that song.  It almost made me giggle.

I sat in the car before the show, Jeff went to stand in the cold to get us a good seat.  I added to my facebook status that today, January 21, 2012, Mackenzie would have been 8 months old.  I was trying to think what she would be doing today... would she be crawling?  would she be playing patty cake?  would she walk along furniture yet?  would she say "mama?" answers will never come for those questions.

When Jenn started singing tonight, I can't explain the way I felt so connected to her music.  She drew me in.  She sat at her piano and you could see she was up there because she had a passion.  I once had that passion for music.  I lost it somewhere between college and moving to Edmonton years ago.  I've written a couple songs, that I have actually sat down and put notes to.  One song was about the death of a college dorm mate.  Who knew that I would, years later, move to the town where he grew up and become friends with his sister?  crazy  I miss that music, now that I have felt it again.

Getting back to the song Jenn wrote about her friend's brother passing...  I honestly can't remember a single word from that song, other then the title, but as she sang it, I just lost it.  Yes, I was sitting second table from the front of the stage, tears running down my face, holding back the sobs.  I'm sure I was shaking.  I don't even think I heard any of the words she sang, I felt it.  I felt the hurt that she felt for her friend, I felt the passion in the music, the lyric of the song going straight to my heart.  I had to dig out the kleenex, the tears were all the way down my face, running down my neck... I squeezed Jeff's hand under the table.  I didn't have it in me to look up at him, but I know he was thinking the same thing I was.  As we stood in the line up for yummy snacks he said to me, "Well that song sure struck a chord didn't it?".

Jenn sang many original songs, and some covers too.  She sang "Poker Face" - Lady Gaga, "Hallelujah" - Leonard Cohen, "I Will Always Love You" - Dolly Parton, "The Rainbow Connection".  Are you kidding me?  Why would this woman sing that song?  No, it's not one that I sing to Anna, maybe a couple lines here and there.  But a rainbow song???  Right... I know to everyone else this is just a coincidence, maybe it is to me too.  But, i'm pretty sure in my faith, that God had a little more to do with tonight then most of you are willing to consider.  Why?  Because He has it all mapped out. 

*   *   *

Mackenzie, I have never looked at the world in the same way since 8 months ago, May 21, 2011.  I find you in the smallest parts of my day, and in moments when I think no one knows you at all.  Baby girl, mommy and daddy were introduced to someone tonight, in that introduction we were said to have 1 little girl.  I hate that.  I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!!  I just want to get up and scream, "NO!!!  You are wrong!  We have two daughters!  You hear me!?  TWO!"

Mommy didn't imagine the joy of seeing those two lines on a pregnancy test fifteen and a half months ago.  I didn't dream that I heard your heart beat.  I didn't dream that I was going to fall in love with you the first moment I saw you.  I have your ultrasound picture.  I have your foot and hand prints.  I even have your little hand to hold - a casting the hospital made.  You are real!  I'm not loosing my mind.  You didn't dissapear from my heart the day your grandpas helped lower your sweet little casket into the ground.  Your memory wasn't burried when your grandpas gently covered you up with rich prarie soil.  Your memory lives strong in mommy's heart.  I miss you.  I love you.  Mackenzie, mommy wants you back...

I know, sweet baby, that you come back to me as often as you can.  I know you want me to hold you in my arms.  I see you in the sky, I hear you in the wind.  I smile everytime you come back to me.  You were sitting heavy on my heart tonight, creating light in my spirit. 

*   *   *

Jenn Beaupre, was a very unlikely artist to be featured in such a "rural" population.  Her music being so soulful (I couldn't figure out who she reminded me of... Amanda Marshall), she was very "alternative" sounding, i'm sure, to the crowd.  The average age of the crowd was mostlikely around 55.  I was sitting in my chair, trying to hold my self together.  My eyes were often closed, as I just felt the music...  Jenn, and I are the same age.  A few of the songs she sang were popular when we both would have been in high school.  She was going to do the song "Drops of Jupiter" - Train, but I think I was one of the few in the audience who knew it!  That song was very popular the spring of my highschool graduation.  Jenn's lucky that she lives in Calgary, cause if she lived closer I would demand that we be BFFs (now if she reads this she'll think I'm crazy!!!).  Maybe we were once, in a past life. I just finished listening to her talk about music on youtube, she takes the words right out of my mouth, she's just a much better vocalist and pianist then me.  ;)

The song that Jenn chose to sing to close out her show (before the encore) was "I Hope You Dance" - Lee ann Womack.  I almost laughted out loud.  I used to sing that song when I took music lessons.  Coincidence in the making from some 11 years ago...  Jeff was busy talking to people after the show.  We stood at the back of the hall, I was watching the stage to see if Jenn would come back out to pack up her things.  She did... I just had to go thank her.  I told her that I loved her song "Angel That's Lost" and asked if it would come out on her next album.  I told her how I sat in the audience and cried.  She was so happy to hear that her music moved me.  I shared with her, through my struggle to keep my voice from breaking, that we had lost our daughter.  She was shocked, she gave me a big hug.  What a beautiful soul.  Jenn, if you ever read this, keep going, keep writing, recording, singing.  You have a great future ahead of you.  I can't wait until I can go out and buy your CD with that special song on it.  Until it does, I will listen to you on youtube

 I knew that God was with me tonight, He always is, sometimes I just loose can't see Him for looking.  Tonight Jenn's music opened my eyes, so God could remind me He has a plan for me...  I just have to be wait, be patient, and walk the path.

*   *   *

I'm going to encourage you to hit the links at the top of the page.  You know the words that show up in color!  They will take you to Jenn's webpage, and to youtube to hear "Angel That's Lost".  Jenn asked me to add her on my facebook, and I told her I'd link her on my blog.  So if you don't want to scroll back up, here are the links again.

Jenn Beaupre

Angel That's Lost

Friday Night Leftovers - Weekend Rainbows

We had a nice weekend last week.  We went to Jeff's mom and dad's Sunday afternoon, played some games, and had supper.  On the way over...

I know, you're thinking "Duh, crazy woman those aren't rainbows!".  To bad!  Those are rainbows in my eyes, even if we had to have -35 degree days to produce them.  They are rainbows in my heart.  I thought it was really awesome that Mackenzie popped in on our family afternoon. 


I missed "Thankful Thursday" yesterday because I wanted to dedicate that post to a friend.  I have a lot to be thankful for...

I am so thankful that we live in the country, with wide open prairie sky.  We have the beauty of the sky, and not buildings.  The sun floods our home with light, and cascades rainbows in the funniest places, created by something on the window glass perhaps?


God's first rainbow was the sign of a promise to never again flood the earth.  I've probably said it before... when I see a rainbow I also think that God has a promise to continue to bring us hope.


Jeff didn't have to work Wednesday and Thursday because it was so cold out.  I think the worst it got to was - 37 or so with the wind -48.  Anna got to stay home with daddy those two days and I headed off to work.  When I got home I did a little house work then we all cuddles up on our couches and watched movies and Tree House.  Family days that we missed at Christmas...Thankful God gave us this opportunity to relax.


Thankful for my darling Anna.  This week because she has conquered her New Year Resolution to #2 on the potty.  She's rockin' it!  O.K.  so she has yet to be successful at daycare, or for daddy, but as long as mom's around she is not afraid, even in a public washroom! 


I am thankful for my job.  Yes, I said it.  I love my job.  Jeff just asked me out of the blue the other day, "What would you do for work if you weren't working at the hospital?".  I looked at him, tilted my head and thought for 30 seconds.  "I couldn't imagine doing anything else! My job is great!  I love to work independently."


Let me explain.  I do the laundry for the LTC residents at our rural hospital and Seniors care home.  No, it's not really that glamorous.  I wash clothes, fold and hang, and take them back to every ones rooms.  I order linens for both the hospital and LTC.  The best part is that I work on my own.  I get to have coffee with a great group of women, whom I adore.  I get to visit here and there, with other great staff members.  I listen to music in my own department as I hang and fold, and I get time to think without interruption.  I am around people, yet I don't have to deal with your normal, work "politics".  My superiors have been very good to me and we have a wonderful benefits package.


Best of all... I feel like I'm helping others.  I'm doing my part for the wonderful grandpas and grandmas who call our LTC "home".  I get to chat with them, collect the love from their smiles and the giggles from their jokes.  I have a few residents who I regularly have chats with almost daily.  One used to be good friends with the family that used to own our land and home.  He gets a chuckle when he asks me, "How are those basement stairs?  Boy are the wicked!"  (They don't sit quite parallel to the ground.)  Another resident knows Jeff's family well.  I get to hear her stories, and she is such a beautiful soul.  This lady can really put life into perspective when you're feeling out of luck.


I am thankful for YOU!  My loyal family, friends and some people I don't even know.  You read this blog, that often goes all over the place, ending up further back then it started! 

What are you thankful for?  If you're having a bad day, sit down and think... Are you really so bad off?  Think of the others around you... I'm sure they are thinking of more then just a bad hair day.  Maybe they are dealing with so much more.  Be thankful for your trials and tribulations, look back at how far you've come.

Why?

I had a whole post written in my head, and then things changed.  Life is hard sometimes, so unfair, so hard to understand.

This post is dedicated to a very wonderful April 2009 mommy.  We've never met in "real life" but have known each other for 2.5 years.  You know who you are...

I don't even know where I'm heading right now but, here it goes...

She just found out that her beautiful baby boy, growing inside her is unfortunately, not doing well.  She needs our prayers.  I get it, all those awful feelings going through her soul.  The questions, the waiting to hear an answer ...  The physical pain, almost to the point of being unbearable.  The pit in your stomach that makes you feel physically ill.  The numbness that starts the moment you hear those words... not being able to believe that this is your life, not a movie you're watching... this is my nightmare.

When it comes to my own grief, I am feeling that I am in a good place these days.  I am feeling stronger and healthier then I have in years.  Has God, helped me, lifted me, taught me, so I can pass it on?  as a friend has passed it on to me?  I guess I just have to have faith, hope, and love.  I need to pray that this special mommy finds strength in God the way I have.

If God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't he more surely care for you?  Matthew 6:30

As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you.  Isaiah 66:13

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love.  1 Corinthians 13:13 

The Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28

Dear friend,  I know you will read this at some point.  Please know, I have a heavy spot in my heart for you.  The spot right tucked in beside Mackenzie.  A place of warmth, filled with love, and the growing light of hope.

If you have a spare moment in your day, please send a prayer to heaven for her.  God will know who you are praying for...