Dear Mackenzie

Dear Mackenzie,

Hi baby girl.  I don't know what to say in this letter or where it's going.  Mommy misses you sweetheart.  You would have been ten months old today.  Today is also Uncle Joey's birthday and a whole handful of cousins' birthdays too. 

I see baby's your age and I wonder what you would have been like if you were down here with us.  Anna had started to try to walk at 10 months, what about Mackenzie?  Would you be a giggly, happy little girl, or a little more tempered like your big sister?  I know you would look like your daddy.  People always comment to me how much big sister Anna looks like mommy.  I don't like that.  It makes me think of how much you looked like daddy when you were born, but people never see that.  I wish they could.  I want them to know you were fair like him and so pretty.

Truth is baby, that mommy is crying.  I knew today was the 21st of the month, but I have been so caught up in uncle Joey's snowmobile race that I forgot to whisper Happy 10 Months to you.  But don't you worry, Grandma remembered and is praying that you're with uncle Joey and cousin Robert, watching over them and keeping them safe.

A close friend of ours had a sweet little baby girl yesterday.  Mackenzie, I think you two little girls would have been good friends.  I am so happy for her family.  It also makes me feel sad.  Sad for what I lost...  Yet, I am over the moon happy for my close friends and family when they bring a little one into this world safe and sound.

Mackenzie, Mommy painted your and Anna's, well... Anna's room, pink.  I wasn't going to.  I was going to paint it a neutral color... "just in case".  But no!  Anna is the baby I get to hold each day, that I have in my arms everyday.  Maybe she will be the only baby I ever have here on earth.  Why live for the "what ifs" of the future?  Anna's room is a soft pink.  I called Grandma when I was all done, and told her it is so beautiful.  Like fairies or angels live there.  I hope there is an angel that visits there every so often.

Mommy's been having some hard days again.  I would have bet any one that I would be pregnant by this time, 10 months after your birth to heaven.  I guess it's hard for me not knowing what the future holds.  I guess, like your one aunty told me,  "Be still."  I need to slow my mind down and be still, let my heart be open to what God has for me.  I need to trust in Him to guide me in the right direction.  I don't have control.  God has a plan for me... Just be still.

Well my girl, I hope you're having so much fun up there in Heaven.  I bet that Jacob, Brennan and Thomas are chasing you!  And maybe your cousin Dustin is watching or trying to protect you!  I hope you've found the other babies we know, who God called to heaven, sooner then their parents wanted...  I hope you are all together. 

I wonder what it's like?

Hugs and Kisses,
Mommy

Cain's Quest

Just a short blurp tonite!  I should be in bed, but I am feverishly tracking my little brother and cousin.  Joey and Robert are in Labrador and northern Quebec doing a 2800km skidoo endurance race.  Yes, the prairie boys DROVE all the way there... and are racing almost non stop.

Joey, Eric (who helped with the driving) and Robert

Check out the Cain's Quest Website and you can track them.  Just hit the tracking button and go from there.  Our prairie boys are team 67! 

Cheer our boys on and send them some prayers!

Best of luck Joey and Robert, have fun!

Shades of pink...

I've been thinking of you...  my loyal readers.  I've "out" for a bit.  I have had some computer problems, and life just hasn't given the chance to compose my thoughts enough to write.

I'm frustrated... mostly with my body.  We seem to hit every wall possible when it comes to adding to our family.  Should I be surprised?  I guess not.  Should I be worried?  I guess not.  It's all out of my control.  I hate not knowing what's going on, cause I'm a bit of a control freak...  but God knows, He has a plan, He is in control.  I was reminded of that yesterday by someone close to me... and then I realised that I haven't been trusting Him lately.

It's hard for me to "throw caution to the wind", and just let go of everything.  I really struggle with that.  I'm trying to just let life happen... cause in the end it doesn't matter what I want, cause I don't have control.

Well, that's not what I set out to tell you about, well I guess in a way.  But what I was going to say is, I'm painting Anna's room.  "Yah, big deal!"  you say.  To me it is.  It's been a nice green shade that I developed on my own when i was working in a hardware store mixing paint.  I was fooling around with a mistint and got a beautiful, one of a kind shade of green.  So, I used it in our then "spare room", knowing it would be a great color for a baby's room one day.  I was thinking of repainting it over a year ago, but figured i would wait til "the new baby" baby came.  There's where that "I have no control" thing comes in again.  I would have repainted for Anna and Mackenzie a girly color.  Had we had a boy to bring home i would have repainted in a neutral color. 

I've been back to that hardware store, where i used to work, about 100 times trying to find the perfect color.  I was going neutral cause "what if we have another baby someday... and it's a boy."  I told Kim today that I really wanted pink, she said "Go for it!"  I figured, why not???  maybe I can just jinx myself into getting pregnant by painting her room...  LOL!

So we're going to use a shade of pink called, Ballerina.  It's very soft.  I hope Anna loves it.  I'm glad Kim urged me to go pink.  Anna is the child God gave me here on earth, and she should get a girly room, cause i don't have control over the future, and therefore have no idea if/when we may need to spend another $30 on a can of neutral paint.

So yes, I saw Kim today!  I took over all of Anna's 9-18 months clothes.  Kim put little Ally in a little outfit I bought over.  She looked so darn cute, Ally brought tears to my eyes.  I couldn't help but hold her tight against my heart and cuddle her.  Looking at Ally, I feel like I'm seeing just a tiny piece of my angel.  Kim asked me later, if it was a hard day, seeing Ally in Anna' clothes,,, that I could have put Mackenzie in.   It was, but it wasn't.  I don't know how to explain that.  I told Kim, I see Ally and think of our angel in heaven, but Ally is our little angel here, on earth.  I feel like I see just a little sparkle in Ally's eyes that glimmers just for me, a little piece of her guardian angel, Mackenzie.

These have been hard days again.  I can't really pinpoint everything, but I think the unknown circumstances within my own body, are the bricks that seem to be falling off the wall.  I feel like that wall was getting stronger and stronger, but with one small blow after another, the wall is faltering again. 

Lord, you are my shepherd.  I shall not want.

You make me to lie down in green pastures.

You lead me beside the still waters.

Psalm 23:1-2

Wordless Wednesday - A Little Sunshine

We just had Anna's pictures taken for her 3rd birthday.  Here's a little sneak preview.

 All pictures were taken by the wonderful Ashley Flaade at Vivid Photography!  If you are ever in the area or live out here, go see her for some great photos!

Heart Ache and Rainbows

Our hearts are aching.  The mommas of April 2009 have broken hearts.  We've suffered the loss of another preciously loved baby.  His name is Jacob Christian.  He was born on Friday morning.  He's a little prince, wrapped in arms of love.  For women who've never met, except for a few, we really are tight, we come together to support each other during the worst times.  This was one of those times...

Jacob's mommy has always been a friend that I was intrigued by.  Someone I wanted to get to know a lot better.  Neither of us knew some 3 years and 6 months ago, when we first met that we get to know each other in the most heart breaking way two women can.  We've both released our most precious angels to heaven.  It was not our choice, and that didn't make it any easier.  You don't get to say, "No, I don't want my baby to go now."  It's just the way God plans it.  But actually letting that precious little life be given over to the trust of our Lord is a difficult burden that I can't not describe.  There are not words intense enough to write or speak that would come close to the pain a mommy and daddy feel in these tumultuously beautiful moments in life.  Beautiful?  Yes, in some ways, yes...

These are the moments you see your husband in a mirror that is so perfect it is almost jaded.  As a loving parent you have no control over your emotions when you surrender a child to God.  Seeing the emotions in your spouses face, eyes, and soul... is gut wrenching, but beautiful.

Life is tainted now... to anyone who has suffered the loss of a child, don't think you have to go back to normal.  This is a new normal.  The pain will fade a little, I know I had a hard time believing that too.  But it does hurt a tiny bit less. Yes, some day in the far off future your life will find a new routine of sorts.  A routine that revolves around the "what if"S and memories of a dainty little girl or handsome little boy that will never see the blue of the sky, the green of the grass, and the sparkle of a new fallen snow.  The beautiful eyes of these angels will never see the rainbows...

I was honoured to be able to share some of these moments with such a beautiful, loving mommy.  She called me the night before her son was born.  I listened, we cried.  I let her know that everything she was feeling is OK.  That no one can tell her what she is doing is wrong.  When it was time to go I told her, "Breathe, that's all you can do... breathe.  I love you."

My heart hurt all weekend, until I was updated.  I had wished when we all first found out that baby Jacob was going to heaven that Mackenzie would be there.  I was sad that I didn't see her shining brilliantly in the sky on Friday, it was overcast.  However, on the way to work Anna told me twice, "Look mommy!  My rainbow!  It's back!  It's here!"  I scanned the sky and the skyline, sometimes Anna thinks the brilliant colors of a sunrise our rainbows... I found no rainbow and no colors from the sun, that was hidden amongst the clouds.  Both times I asked Anna, "Where Anna?"  and both times she pointed through the front window of the Jeep, exclaiming, "Right there mommy!!  My rainbow is right there!  See it?!" 

I never saw those rainbows on Friday.  I only put two and two together last night, that Anna had to have seen something only the innocent eyes of a child could see.  Mackenzie was with us, and I know she was with Jacob... welcoming him home.

Tiny, precious rainbows that were with Dannie

 on vacation in BC.  February 22, 2012

A gorgeous bold rainbow paying Heather T. a visit.

Abbotsford, BC  February 22, 2012

Wordless Wednesday - Skiing!

Kimmy, Anna and I

cousins - Anna, Nathan and Dylan

Anna giving baby Ally loves

Precious baby Ally!

Thank you to our wonderful neighbor, Laurie, for taking the really nice pictures (the first 6). 

Great job Laurie!

You Can Never Go Back...

 This is a hard post for me to do.  I have waited a long long time to do this.  I could not bring myself to write this post and show you these pictures until today.  I do this today because a very very dear friend is living what I have been living for the past nine months.  Yes, Mackenzie would have been 9 months old today.  I needed to post these pictures so my friend would know what she may possibly receive from the hospital after...  I also "know" (online) another family who is also living with the knowledge their daughter will become an angel.  I wanted to show you this so you know about some possible options.  I don't know if every hospital offers these services, but it doesn't hurt to ask, you can never go back.  

The reason I knew of these beautiful and precious gifts is because a young mom that I worked with (whom I now call one of my dearest friends), posted her son's precious memories online a few years back.  Her willingness to share gave me the knowledge, and I was able to ask the staff and social worker about these items, I'm so glad I could...  you can never go back.

The first items you see here are from my "mommas", yes that special group of online friends.  They all got together online and had some special gifts made/had made for Mackenzie.  I will apologize to a couple friends, there are a few gifts that I missed because they are on display in my house and not in my memory box, so I missed taking their pictures.



From my Mommas

Mackenzie's Quilt

                                       

Mackenzie's Doll and Bear

(The bear I received from Thyme Maternity

when Kim and I went shopping together,

 the week before I had Mackenzie. 

We both received a teddy with our purchase. 

Kim's precious Ally now has that same teddy bear.

I've tickled Ally's cute little nose with her teddy...)

Pendant made by Ven

From the Grey Nuns Hospital, Edmonton

Certificate of Life

Coming Home Outfit

(I purchased this a couple months before my due date.)

Mackenzie's Hands

Mackenzie's Feet

Mackenzie's Hand Prints

Mackenzie's Foot Prints

(The pink blanket in the background is

the one she was wrapped in at the hospital.

I keep it in my top drawer.)

Mackenzie's Hat and Hospital Band

Mackenzie's Bassinet Card

 

What I wish I had...

is a lock of her hair...  the staff talked about that with me before she was born.  Mackenzie never had a lot of hair, but I wonder if we could have had just a little bit.  My heart aches that I don't have that.  It breaks my heart that it's to late.  You can never go back...

So if, unfortunately, you ever know someone who goes through this traumatic experience of loosing a child, you now have some knowledge to share with them about some beautiful keepsakes.  Share this knowledge with them in a gentle, loving way.  You can never go back...

Happy 9 months my little angel, Mackenzie!

I know you were peeking out from

behind some clouds today,

two of my mommas saw you.

Much love, Mommy

XOXOXO