It's been a while, Birthday Time

Well, I think it's been way to long, since I've written.  I'm sorry.  I think it's only because I was putting off the inevitable...  Mackenzie's birthday post.

Her birthday was May 21, the Tuesday after the long weekend.  Seeing that Jeff would be working that day, we decided to celebrate a day early.  Anna got the honor of deciding what she thought Mackenzie would like to do for her birthday.

We started by taking Mackenzie her white rose. 

 

We didn't stay long, as the mosquitoes were out of control.  But it didn't take much, and I felt the first of many warm tears run down my face.  As I buckled myself back in the car, my tears were met my sobs.  Jeff reached out and gently took my hand.  I cried as we drove back down the highway towards our home.  I really just wanted to ask him to turn back down out lane, so I could hide in bed for the rest of the day...  We drove on.

 

 

Anna knew that Mackenzie wanted to go swimming.  So we went to Vegreville to check out their pool.  We had a nice lunch first.  We spent the next few hours at the pool.  Anna just loves the water.  It's all worth getting your maternity bathing suit on, just to see the huge smile on her face.

 

After swimming we decided to go for ice cream!!  YUMMY!!  Then a quick trip to Walmart and back home.

 

The weather was ok... it was rainy, but the sun was out too... much like the day Mackenzie was born.

 

Well, that's enough tears for me today.  I will write more soon and tell you about our Mommy and Anna day we had on Mackenzie's actual birthday.

 



Death on the Inside

I talk about my "Awesome Mama's Group" often, so I won't explain to you again, who they are.  As a group, we suffered a major loss last week.  We had a death from inside our close knit group.  It is so hard to believe.  She was my age, celebrated her 30th birthday just a month before me.  Melissa fought a very brave battle with Cancer.  She is truly inspirational.  She chose not to go into great detail with us about her treatment, cause she just wanted to be a mom when she was with us (on line).  I feel like we were her "normal", cancer free zone.  Melissa's battle started lass May with treatment after her diagnosis. 

We have all been sharing our feelings about her passing.  Here are the thoughts I shared with my mama's last night, I thought my feelings would make a good blog entry:

I've been thinking about Melissa a lot too. But I think more about her as in where she is now.  I picture her smiling down on her lil ones. I picture her laughing, and skipping in green fields of flowers, rays of sunshine catching her hair. Her cheeks rosy with the glow of perfect health. I picture her nuzzling Mackenzie close, i can almost imagine the scent of a freshly bathed baby, wrapped in a white towel, all snuggled up in her arms. 

Sometimes I feel like my experience has almost desensitised me from death. Or maybe I've come to understand not what I/we on earth have lost, but what that individual has gained. Some could say I have romanticised death through my visions of heaven...

For me it's the way my brain has learnt to function through the emotional, pretty much physical pain, of loosing a child.

Don't get me wrong, I hurt for Will (Melissa's husband) and their young ones, but I also believe that Melissa is with us all. It still breaks my heart to know how many experiences the kids won't physically have their mom here for,  just as it breaks my heart knowing how much Mackenzie is not with our family for so many momentous occasions.  At the same time, my belief in heaven helps the pain subside, knowing that both Melissa and Mackenzie our with their families everyday. It's just harder to see them. 

 

Because the sun shines when she smiles

I fall more and more in love with our Anna every day!  I can`t even explain how blessed I feel to be her mommy.  She recently celebrated her 4th birthday and I just had her pictures done.  I can`t help but share the results cause she`s just to darn cute.

20 weeks

I have probably been the worse blogger in the history of blogs!  I guess life is just busy!

I have reached the half way mark of my pregnancy!  It is hard to believe! I had an ultrasound last week.  The technician was very friendly and told me she would tell me the sex of the baby.  I brought Jeff's mom and Anna in after the initial exam and I focused on Anna's face.  Anna has been very adamant that there would be no brother baby in our home.  LOL!  This was a bit of an issue seeing that the tech at an early scan had told me she was 98% sure baby was a boy.

So, I fixed my gaze on the beautiful face of my 4 year old daughter.  I wanted to see her reaction when the tech confirmed her worst fear...  SURPRISE!!  She says, "Baby is definitely a girl!" 

"See mommy!  A girl baby!"

I was a little shocked to say the least.  In the end I figure i win either way.  I just happy with a healthy baby. 

I see having our third girl as a second chance for all of us.  Anna's chance at having that little sister to grow up with.  A second chance to experience what we lost...

Jeff  was a little shocked... at supper last night he came to the conclusion that the physic I saw last fall was right.  I questioned him on what he meant.  He reminded me about how the lady told me that Mackenzie would come back to us in a way.  I forgot that she had told me that.

I imagine that this little one in my belly will look a bit like Mackenzie.  In some ways it is really hard not to think "replacement".  This new life can never replace the child we gave up to heaven.  However, she will help to fill the ache in our hearts. 

The ache in my heart grows with my pregnancy...  I can see feel the difference between these two pregnancies now.  As this little miracle grows and becomes more active, I realise how much Mackenzie didn't move in my womb.  I never noticed...  I just took it for granted that all pregnancies are different.  I just chalked it up to not all pregnancies being the same.

I am already wondering what the labour of this child's birth will be like.  How will my reaction of seeing my little miracle for the first time be different from when I first laid eyes on Anna? or on Mackenzie?

Will all those feelings of despair return?  Will i relive those feelings of anguish?  I am sure that emotions will run high no matter what.  I pray that I can push the experience of my last delivery aside, in order to take in the joy and miracle of a new life.

quick update

Sorry, If you still check on my blog, please forgive me. 

Well, I've got the usual pregnancy symptoms: sooo tired, varicose veins, growing belly, short on patience, sore back... 

Don't get me wrong, I'll take it all in order to hold a wee one in my arms come August.

About 2.5 weeks ago I had a little scare.  I had gone into Edmonton for the afternoon and shopped for about 3 hrs.  I then met some great friends for supper at Moxie;s (super yum!).  Oh we had such a great time!!!  Leanne, I met for the first time, what a wonderful woman.  Very inspiring, and down to earth.  I really felt like we "clicked" if you know what I mean.  She also brought her youngest and oldest daughters with her.   Shelley, I have had the pleasure of meeting with numerous times.  We even did the Resolution Run on January 1 together.  She's a wonderful, talented, and knock you socks off, woman.  We visited and ate for about 3 hrs!  Time just seemed to fly by.

When we finally parted company, I headed to fuel up and use the restroom and grab a coffee at Tim's.  (This is the part you male readers, if there are any, may find TMI!)  I used the washroom and noticed some bleeding.  Believe me, that's the last thing you want to see at 13 wks 2 days.  I've never experienced this in either of my two previous pregnancies.  It was more then just some "spotting".  I texted Shelley and she advised me to go to an E.R.

I wasn't far from the Grey Nun's, but didn't want to go there and be alone for hours... on top of the fact that is where Mackenzie was born.  I called my hospital in Viking.  They told me to stop in on my way home.  I arrived in town around 12 a.m.  I had to use the washroom so bad so i stopped at the gas station.  Still more bleeding and some clotting...  really not good.

I went over to the hospital where the staff was very accommodating.  They took my history, which I'm sure is always a shocker, even though through small town news I'm sure they heard, but may not have known who I was.  They called the doctor in ASAP.  She was in by 1 a.m.  She did a quick ultrasound with their little machine.  She found baby's heart beat right away,  a sigh of relief went through all of us (there were also two nurses with me).  She said baby looked fine, but I'd have to go for a more in depth scan in the next day or two.  She wrote me off work until we knew more and told me I couldn't drive. 

My wonderful inlaws came and picked me up.  Jeff knew I was getting checked out but seeing that he had to work at the crack of dawn, I let him sleep. 

My very very wonderful bestie, Keltie, took me to Sherwood Park for my indepth ultrasound two days later.  The tech went through my history and started the exam.  She let me know right away that she found a good, strong heartbeat.  I was in the room for a good 40 minutes and then she let Keltie and Anna come in.  Anna's face was priceless and she watched the screen.  She was very excited!  I'm sure Keltie was thinking exactly what I was thinking all day...  I couldn't believe that she was once again taking me for an ultrasound, praying that the results would be way better this time around.

Of course I couldn't resist asking the tech if she knew the sex of the baby, even though I knew it was pretty early.  She said she had an idea but wasn't 100% sure... but she was 98% sure.  LOL

Anyway, we are still doing good, just on the verge of 16 weeks.  I'm trying to take it easy.  My lower back aches when I do to much, so I'm following the signs my body is giving me.  Last time i just struggled through... 

I was going to post you some pictures of our "Baby Bumblebee", (Anna's name of choice), but they don't want to upload, so I'll try again another night.

Good night!

No News is Good News:)

Well, I've been on blogcation!  Mostly cause I have been going to bed REALLY early the last month or so.  So without my usual banter,I am tired and need to get to bed, so I spare you...

Unexpected Results

If you're still waiting, I apologize.  I know you may be wanting to know how that ultrasound went.  Here's the short version:

I got there early, you know the half hour.  I go to the desk to "check in" and the receptionist informs me my appoint was at 12:30 not 2:30...  nice I was told the wrong time by my clinic...  I explained and told her I had driven 170 kms.  I was asked to wait, and they'd try and get me in.

As I was waiting, I noticed that the same lady who did Mackenzie's last ultrasound was there... but what were the chances?  I tried to shrug it off.  I waited until 3:15 and I got in.  Through God's grace somebody called in and said they'd be late.  Well the person was already late cause they weren't there early :)  So I got his/her spot.

Someone called my name, I look up... and yep, it's her.  She doesn't remember me, she's has done 1,000's of exams since that fateful one of mine...  she had me lay down on that same table, same room as I stared at the same picture on the wall... It was awful.  I held back what I call, "The Oprah ugly cry", but tears streamed down my cheeks. 

The tech did have me roll around and she did some scans on my sides, kinda on my back... I wasn't sure why.  Again, like my last visit, things were nervy, not much small talk all business. She told me that she hoped to see me again under a different circumstance.  Sigh...

I went in to my doctor's office a week later for my results.  When he walked in the room he greeted me with a hello and asked how things were.  Then he told me, "Well, we went in for one thing and we ended up finding something else".  What???  He told me that my ovaries, tubes, uterus, everything was right spot on.  Picture perfect.  He even sounded surprised when he told me there were follicles.  But, "She found a cyst on one of your kidneys..."  I really didn't want to talk kidneys, I was more focused on my next steps with the infertility.

Since he is stumped, I will be referred to a gynaecologist at the Grey Nuns in Edmonton (where I had Mackenzie).  Most likely it will take 3 months to even here back about the booking.  But another doctor mine consulted with suggested this because fertility clinics give priority to patients referred to by a gyno over a G.P.

A few days later there was a message on our home phone, my doctor again.  He had consulted yet another colleague, who suggest I also have an MRI?!  Don't worry I'm confused to.  Sounds like they just want to rule out that it could be my "wiring" lol.

As for the cyst, he explained that it's probably nothing and may go away on it's own.  I didn't ask a lot of questions, I was really more concentrated on the first issue at hand.  I was told that I'd have to do some more ultrasounds for a while just to watch the cyst and make sure it's not growing or changing.  I just heard from the clinic today, the next appointment is January 11, 2013.

There you are, you may have given up on me, and quit checking in... I apologize.  It took a while for all that to sink into my head.

In the mean time, I may try going to a natural path in Edmonton that specialized in fertility.  I haven't decided yet.  For now we will just enjoy the holidays (or try too). 

18 months in MY shoes

If you are reading this today, chances are you are familiar with the journey God is guiding us along...  knowing what we've been through, would you dare put my shoes on?

My shoes are not stylish, they are not clean, they don't shine with any bling.  These shoes are not colorful, yet that do stand out in some crowds.  It's not often that my shoes get cleaned up, or repaired...  most of the time, I just wear them for what they are...  My shoes are rather wide (a hereditary thing) - so I doubt you'd want to wear my shoes at all.

If you have not even slid your feet into my shoes, don't bother to try and understand that the road that my shoes take me down is a lot different then the road that your shoes may go.  We all have those rainy days where it seems like there is nothing we can do to keep our shoes clean, and our feet dry.  Days upon days that you feel like your shoes will forever smell like you just stepped in dog doo doo.  How do your shoes affect your day???  How do your shoes affect your life?  How do your shoes affect your family? 

Here's the thing...  Until you've been in my shoes, don't expect that I can live in the same way you do.  Don't judge why tears come quickly, marking paths down my flushed cheeks.   You will never understand the way I wear my shoes has changed me forever.

I have walked in these shoes down a road so long, at times very narrow, dark, dingy and forever tumbling further - constantly in auto pilot. 

I have done the bare minimum in many areas of life because that was all I could do.  In many ways, I now have to return to different road blocks and try to remove them.  Today one of the constructions zones we hit was dicipline... oh the 3.5 yr old, who has been coddled my her mommy a little to much. 

Unless you are willing to put these shoes on, you won't know what it is like to hear her cry out for me, when she is scared of being scolded - because it is kinda a new thing.  The momma bear in me wants to (and usually does) want to comfort her and take all her fears away.  I know this is definitely not a really good thing.  It's hard after you've lost a whole year of ground work because of torrential rains.  You have to go back when things start to clear up, and start further back then where you left off.  You have to slowly pick up the pieces of your life, that were neglected for so long because they weren't essential for survival. 

I hear two voices when Anna cries out for me.  I hear her voice, and a soft angelic one too.  I can't stand to let her down, and believe for even one second that I won't do everything I possibly can to be there for her. I feel like I can't fail Anna's cries the way I failed previously... She has become as attached to me, as I have to her. 

Today, Mackenzie, would be 18 months old.  Yesterday, I did exactly what I did 18 months previous.  I walked into the same clinic, at the same time of day, lay on the same cool, paper lined bed, listened to the same silence, as the same technician worked on me, as I stared at the same picture, on the same wall, of the same room, with silent tears rippling down my face - the same way they did 18 months ago.

Mackenzie,

When I think of holding you, 18 months seems like an eternity ago... 

When my heart aches and the tears come, it seems like yesterday...

Love, Mommy

 

 

Your word is a lamp to my feet

and a light to my path. 

Psalm 119:105



Patience in Suffering

I'm in a moment these days...  and I just opened my daily prayer book and this is what I found:

Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, preserve in prayer.

 

Romans 12:12

 

I am having a very hard time rejoicing these days... my patience is wearing thin as I experience the depth of my loss on a different level... and prayer, well it seems to have gone out the window lately.

 

Where is this coming from?  you may ask...  Well, I just started round three of taking progesterone to try and get my body to work.  Round one was not productive, with my doctor insuring me that round 2 would surely be better.  Well round two was even worse then round one. 

 

I ended up at my doctor's office last week with a nasty cold.  I told the receptionist that I didn't have to see my doctor that anyone would do.  It was nice to overhear my doctor insist he would see me even if he was going to be late for his rounds at the hospital.  He asked me how everything was going and if the hormone treatment was working.  When I told him I've had no results he was a little shocked.  He told me that he was sending me for an ultrasound.  I reminded him that I already had a prebooked appointment with him on the 21st of this month, so he told me he'd get me in before then.

 

So, yes, I am happy that we're being even more proactive on figuring this out.  And I'm pretty sure that he now realises that it's not just in my head.

 

The clinic called with my date and apologised for not getting me in to Camrose, but having to schedule me Edmonton.  Really no big deal, especially since they got me in, totally by chance, for the day that I am picking up some loved ones at the airport.  What are the chances!!  Now I don't have to make two trips!  So I laughed about that... until, she told me where I was going.  Usually my doctor send his patients to Sherwood Park, right outside of Edmonton, however there was nothing available.  So as fate will have it, I will return to the same clinic I will have been at exactly 18 months prior, minus only a half hour...  The same clinic where my worst fears were confirmed.  Really??  You're making me go back to the place I never ever wanted to go back to??  The last time I was there it was May 20th, 2011 for a 3p.m. appointment,  I'll walk in there again at 2:30p.m. on November 20th, 2012.

 

Ugh!  To some people this may seem trivial.  To me it's not.  To top it off, yes, I go to the doctor the next day, 18 months to the day of Mackenzie's birthday.  blah  Of course they are going to try and rush the results so the doctor has them.  And I don't want to have to go days not knowing... but really?  I'm not sure what to think.

 

So I hope that we don't get repetitious negative news...

 

As for suffering and patience...  If there is one thing many people could tell you, it's that i am not patient.  This 18 month marker that is just around the corner, is really lingering on my mind.  What does 18 months mean to you??  For me it's seeing the little girls at Anna's daycare, and trying to compare them to what I should have.  This one little sweetheart came and sat on my knee yesterday when I picked up Anna.  She was just so sweet.  I couldn't help but remind myself to keep breathing...  even though there are times like this when you wish the air would just be sucked right out of you.  I couldn't help but pretend for only a moment that it was Mackenzie sitting on my knee...

 

So I suffer this unpredictable right of passage, that never seems to end, maybe if it does, I'll find patience waiting for me on the other side.

 

Prayer... Another blogging mommy wrote on her blog, some time ago, how she was having a hard time praying...  I totally understood where she was coming from.  It's not a belief or trust issue... For me it's my heart aches so loudly that I know God can already hear me.  I ask you to pray for me...  cause maybe your prayer will sound just a little different then mine and your prayer will touch on some small, yet relevant, piece I've missed.

 

So I ask for your prayers.  Pray that God will hold my hand when I walk into that clinic on the 20th.  Pray that there will be no major issues to overcome after we receive the results of the ultrasound.  Pray that the grief and suffering will be kind to me.  Pray that Jeff and I will continue to try to understand each other through this process.  Pray that Anna will continue to be the beautiful blessing of our lives, that we never take for granted any moment we have.

 

Thank you for continuing to check in with me here, I know that I've been lost lately, but eventually I always find my way back here.

Lots of Love,

Tyann



Whispers to Heaven and "Lost"

My dear readers, thank you for patiently waiting for me to write something.  I have been very lost as to what to write this last month or so.  Maybe because that's how grief works.  You think you've got all the fog cleared away, and even though you wandered so slowly and mindlessly in the fog for a long time, you think you have your foot on the right path and there it is... that fog closes in on you... again.

It could also be the change of seasons again.  I find some of the seasonal changes hard.  Maybe this one in particular because I really don't like being cold.  As I see the leaves falling to the ground, being swirled around together, I also see the days that have fallen behind me.  The days that have come and gone with out my precious daughter, days that I still question what could have went so tragically wrong to take my perfectly beautiful daughter from me, days that go by that I find no success with the treatment I'm on to try to conceive.  As these days get lost in the rustling of the leaves, as the wind swirls that fog in around me once more, I can't help but question the plan... I know I should not question it, for only He knows what is meant for my life...

I don't question my faith in God himself, nor am I saying I question Him in the way of anger.  I think I question more along the line of, what is the whole beauty of this journey of loss?  For what beautiful ending have I lost such a precious child?  I've heard to many times people say that God is making room for more in my life... but what is it??  Maybe I am questioning my faith?  I honestly don't know.  Am I??  Please, to my good Christian friends, many who have more biblical knowledge then myself, what is the answer??

I feel I am lost again... the emotions swirling high around me.  It's a year the end of this week, that I took a 2.5 month leave from work.  A year.  Those days fallen behind me, endlessly raked together in to heaps, only to be tossed around and muddled together by the wind.

God said, "Ask what I should give you."

1 Kings 3:5

 



Dear Mackenzie,

Hi sweetheart, it's flu season.  I had to get my shot at work today.  It was last year that a really sweet and lovely health nurse/coworker, took the time to really, sincerely ask me how I was.  She was the one who let me know it was ok to still be grieving and hurting.  She made me recognize that I needed some more time...

I had to call the health unit about getting my immunizations updated.  They must have "lost a baby" written on my file.  As soon as she referred to my file she "knew" who I was.  I'm the girl who "lost" her baby.  She asked me how far in my pregnancy I was when you were "lost".  Does it matter?  When I get asked that question I always say "full term, 38 weeks".  I feel the need for people to know that.  You were in my tummy long enough to be fully developed.  

I met grandpa, grandma and your big sister, Anna at the hall so we could get Anna's flu shot done.  When grandma got hers done, she was with the nurse I had talked to earlier this morning.  The nurse asked grandma if she was my mom.  Grandma responded that she was my mother-in-law.  The nurse told grandma how they, the nurses, just loved me.   I think I was fresh in her mind... and who can't handle a little extra love?

Kenzie, momma's car is on the fritz, is getting time to get a new one... it's been suggested I get a mini van!!  much to your daddy's horror!!  I'm not so sure.  What if we don't have any more little ones to fill all those empty seats??  We always thought that by the time my Jeep kicked the bucket, that we'd need to upgrade to a larger size SUV, now I'm thinking smaller, better fuel economy.

I'm not saying I'm giving up on providing you a younger sibling so you can be a big sister like Anna.  I'm just not so sure it's in the plan.  Anna was talking about you today.  In a small, perhaps, but the impact on me was great.  I had bought a gift for a birthday party we're attending next weekend and when she saw it she asked me if it was for her sister.  I told her, "No, honey, your sister is in Heaven, remember?  This is for your friend."

I hear all the time people referencing us having baby #2.  Well, I'm not hoping to have baby #2, cause that's you.  People ask how many children we have, I say two.  How will Anna answer that question of "Do you have any brothers and sisters?"  The other kids at daycare have questioned who you are when Anna talks about you.  It's probably confusing because the other kids who have siblings go to daycare with their siblings, yet Anna arrives alone. 

I can remember when I was taking Anna to daycare last summer that one little girl of about 4 yrs old, saw that I wasn't pregnant anymore, and she excitedly asked me what I had.  Of course with this sweet girl I was just able to say, "We had a little girl, her name is Mackenzie," just as if you were waiting in the car outside... 

I hope you're following this crazy path I'm weaving tonight!!  Mommy better say goodnight.  Sweet dreams baby girl!  I miss you!   

Love forever,
Mommy

P.S. Oh and please watch at the gates for a sweet, curly red headed girl.  Her name is Stella, her mommies say she's getting her wings pretty soon.  I know Heaven is a wonderful, happy place, but I think her mommies will be happy to know you'll be their to help Jesus welcome her home.  I think you'll just love her!  She's very fiesty!

A Walk ro Remember 2012

The sun was shining, a nice breeze was blowing, the day was beautiful... 
The emotions were not so overwhelming...
For our family, this year's Walk was more of a celebration and a day for Mackenzie, we shed no tears, but quietly remembered. 

I don't want to overwhelm you with words and thoughts, so here are the pictures of our day.  Just as a note, the teddy bears are donated and distributed to the Edmonton area hospitals for families who've endure infant loss.  There were no baloons this year, as their is a helium shortage in Canada, so we blew bubbles.

Sorry this post took so long to make it to you!  Thanks for your patience.  This was the forth time I worked on it!  Every previous attempt got deleted before all the photos loaded and saved!! 

Thanking God for an Angel Watching Over Me

God, you really do work in mysterious ways.

Today, while I was driving down the highway, about 5 Km from my house, I almost broadsided a horse.  It was around 7:10, sun was just coming up and was making rainbow colors in the sky.  I was coming up a steep hill and could see these 3 horses running in their pasture to my right.  They were all running really fast.  Our neighbour had just built a new fence, but left up the old one.  I figured these horses were going to pass the old fence but have to stop at the new one.  As I peaked the hill I realised that they were going way to fast to stop at the fence and that the gate must be open.  I started to slam on the breaks.  Squealing breaks, tires, the whole bit.  I came to a complete stop just as the the first horse passed in front of me.  He was just within inches of my bumper.  The other two horses reared up and stopped just within inches of my driver door.  

After getting ahold of the owner, I headed back out on the road, thanking God that I could go to work this morning.  I was feeling very blessed.  Had I broadsided that horse, it would have came right through my windshield, most likely doing me a lot of damage.  Anna, was safely tucked into her car seat.  Thankfully I am very very very strict about car seats being installed properly (just ask our parents and friends!).  When I asked Anna if she was ok she stated, quite simply, "I'm fine!"  What a kid!!

I have to wonder if our little Mackenzie angel was with us this morning.  I'm pretty sure she was and so was God.

Feeling very very thankful!

Ok!  Here's blog post #100!  And as promised some guest writers for you. 



S - SWEET LITTLE GIRL, ANNA
U - UNITING HER FAMILY WITH LOVE
N - NUGGLING WITH MOMMY AND DADDY
S - SMILING WITH GIGANTIC DIMPLES
H - HUGGING HER MACKENZIE BEAR
I - IMAGINING EVERY RAINBOW IS SPECIAL
N - NEVER AFRAID TO REACH FOR THE STARS
E - ENJOYING LIFE                                  

&

R - REMINDS US OF OUR LITTLE ANGEL
A - ALWAYS ON OUR MIND
I - IT WAS SO HARD TO LET YOU GO
N - NOT FULLY UNDERSTANDING, WHY!
B - BABY YOU WERE SO WANTED
O - OH, LORD TAKE CARE OF OUR ANGEL
W - WE PRAY FOR MACKENZIE’S HAPPINESS
S - SHE IS A SPECIAL RAINBOW


Grandma Lukan found a dove or angel in the sky.

















Mackenzie visiting Grandma Lukan on her kitchen floor.

Submitted by Grandma Joan Lukan, my mom

*    *    *

Little Miss Mackenzie what a wonderful little girl you are.  Yes, I am your Aunty and for some reason we seem to have a special connection.  I am not sure why we do, but we do and I simply enjoy it rather than try to figure it out.  For whatever reason Mackenzie loves to visit me at work or when I am travelling to work.  She come to me through songs on the radio or beautiful rainbows in the sky.  I rarely see rainbows other than when I am in my "office", a locomotive engine.  Most often Mackenzie and I have our time together either Thursdays of Fridays....like I said I don't know why, I just enjoy.   These two days I am always on the look out for rain storms coming and then I patiently wait for Mackenzie to appear in a rainbow.  Sometimes she come in a bright single rainbow or two faded ones or some days she decided not to come, but I still think of her and she brings a smile to my lips.

When I think of Mackenzie I don't think of her as a tiny little baby, but a young girl perhaps she is around 4 or 5.  You may wonder, " Why would you see Mackenzie not as a baby?"  Well, the answer is simply....I was her in a painting.  I had been searching and searching for the perfect gift to give Tyann, Jeff and Anna in memory of Mackenzie and I walked into an art store in Red Deer and there I saw Mackenzie.  I don't think I've ever told Tyann about this picture, because first of all I can't afford this picture for them and secondly the picture might not have the same impact on them as it did for me (instead that same day I met a portrait artist from Red Deer who did a portrait of Mackenzie for Tyann, Jeff, Anna and both sets of grandparents).

This is the picture I was....Butterfly by Michael Godard.

 


Honestly, this picture does not do the actual print any justice, but it's the best I found online.

This is my Mackenzie, a beautiful little girl flying on a butterfly in the bright blue sky.  I believe she's up in the clouds flying on her butterfly watching all of us and dropping off rainbows to those she wants to touch that day.  When she's not checking up on people she is a little dare devil on her butterfly!  Yes, she's zipping under, over and through clouds giggling and squealing.  I love watching the clouds and wonder if she's chasing them as the clouds race by.  I think Mackenzie is probably doing things that would make her mother's toes curl and her father smile his little smile. 

Mackenzie, although we never had time together here on earth I feel very blessed that you visit me so often by dropping off a rainbow for me.  You make me smile and laugh to myself.  I hope that you are able to hear the little messages that I send you and that they touch your heart as you touch mine.  Aunty loves you very much and I look forward to maybe riding with you on your butterfly one day.

Now for my little sister...I wish I could say that I knew how you feel, but I don't know what it feels like to have lost a child.  I know that when I read your blog my heart aches for you and I have tears running down my cheeks.  Maybe if I multiply my feelings by a 100 or more, then maybe that is what you feel.  But still it is not the same and I try not to think that I have felt what you have felt or still do feel.  I honestly, wish I knew how I could carry some of your burden for you and have some weight lifted from your shoulders.   I wish I could tell you when all your dreams and wishes will come true, but I can't.   Tyann, you are an amazing woman that I am proud to call my sister.  I do want you to know that I am always here for you to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, and a friend to laugh with.  Even though I may not show my emotion and support the way most people do, I will always be your big sister and will be by your side when you call on me.

 Submitted by Aunty Leslie Lukan, my sister

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My story of love and loss.

 While maybe sometimes we feel like we’re floating around, I think most of us have an idea of which way life is headed. Be a kid, graduate high school; find something meaningful to do as an adult. Many of us also choose the family route. You know, find a good man, fall in love, get married, and have babies. Live life with a full heart and see what comes up. Having babies was always my calling I have dreamt of being a mother for as long as I can remember.

 I had no idea that a heart could be full and empty at the same time. How could I know that the heartbreaking beauty of a tiny baby could be pain at its peak? There were a lot of things I didn’t know. At this time last year I was planning that second baby. I had been blessed with one perfect healthy beautiful child so full of life and love. And I was seeking another. Oh how naive I was. I knew of loss. Beautiful Mackenzie, she broke my heart. When Mackenzie was born to heaven, I was trying to conceive and put on blinders unable to contemplate the pain that Tyann and her family was going through. I couldn’t think of it without crying without my heart hurting. I always enjoyed reading Tyann posts I already felt a connection at this point but just didn’t know how to emotional deal with her loss. Oh how selfish, and naive.

 God brings people together in so many ways, some unconventional. With the internet those conventions are changing. Some 4 years ago I was trying to find information about my pregnancy and I unknowingly changed a big part of my life. I found my Awesome Mamas on Baby Centre. Oh the things that we have shared (and perhaps over shared???) in the past 4 years!! But that was only the very beginning.

Fast forward to January 2012, I was comfortably pregnant, thinking everything was fabulous I already had a beautiful healthy daughter at home. I went for a dating u/s at 12 weeks; I think I even fibbed a little so I could get in early. It didn’t go as I thought, when I went back a week later for my results I was told that it was possible that our baby had what is called an omphalocele, a disorder where the stomach and other internal organs are on the outside instead of the inside. But my dr reassured me that it was possible that the dates were off that in the world of a tiny fetus 5 days could make a world of difference. I left the office with an appointment for a follow up u/s and confidence that it was a dating issue.

  A week later my world started to crumble. It was confirmed that our baby did in fact have an omphalocele and we would have to go to Vancouver for further testing. Tyann was one of the first to offer me comfort. She virtually held my hand and gave me hope. I had so much hope, I was so frightened and so full of heartache and fear. But I still had hope that with our wonderful access to dr in our wonderful country that there was hope that they could fix him. January 19th I was in Vancouver for an in-depth, painfully long and silent u/s the last half hour was done by a kind lady dr. After two and half hours of silent torture I finally broke and asked her if she could tell me if I was having a boy or a girl. I knew the moments the words were out of my mouth that things were very bad. She told me that usually at 17 weeks they wouldn’t tell but under the circumstance she didn’t see any harm. We were having a baby boy. A baby boy that was not compatible with life. Those are the words she said “I’m so sorry but your baby is not compatible with life” the room really did go dark, my heart I’m not sure if it stopped or accelerated, my ears couldn’t hear just a loud roaring and somebody sobbing. I instantly felt sick and claustrophobic. I looked at my poor dear husband with begging eyes, hoping that he could change what I just heard, but he just sat there as helpless and heartbroken as me.

 Not compatible with life? Not compatible with life, not compatible with holding him in my arms and nursing him, of first smiles, first laughs, of swinging on swings or running through the park. Not compatible with snuggling with his mama, or fighting with his sister. Not compatible with birthdays, and cake and skinned knees, and broken hearts and best friends. Not compatible with life.

 The dr walked us through our u/s our dear son had so many things wrong, the little things, his hands were unable to open, he had a clubbed foot and rockers heal, the bigger things, spinal bifida, several large holes in his heart, and of course the omphalocele which contained, his stomach, liver and intestines. We got pictures like a normal u/s pictures but it was such a blur. I left that awful room to throw up in the bathroom and be ushered into a room to talk to councillors. I will leave that part of the story, it doesn’t get any better.

 As soon as I got home I updated my Awesome Mamas (the group we had become) and stated writing back and forth a lot with Tyann and another mama Jenny. Without those two particular women I am positive I would have ended up hospitalized. They both held my hand, gave my feelings validation. They both shared their personal stories of loss. I got to know Mackenzie and Thomas; I can now picture them in my mind. They are both never far from my thoughts. I knew at this point that my son would be joining them in heaven all too soon.

On Februaury 23, 2012 I went into labour at our local hospital, with my husband at my side, I was 5 months pregnant. I was so sad, I refused to leave the bed, I was in pain, emotional and physical. I was heavily drugged and for a moment my husband left me alone, he needed to get a drink… I’m not sure. I called Tyann, it’s the only time I ever actually talked to her and heard her voice. I don’t remember what I said I don’t really remember what she said. But I remember that I didn’t feel alone while I talked her, I remembered feeling like she understood how I hurt. I remember wishing that NOBODY should know that pain and sadness. But she knew, and she was able to open her heart and hold my hand, to comfort me and remind me to breath.

 I gave birth at 3 am on the 24th, when my water broke, I screamed, not in pain, but in heartache. I was not ready to say goodbye, it happened too fast. But 2 pushes later, they placed the body of my broken baby in my arms and my tears stopped. I don’t know why I don’t know if was the endorphins of labour or just how tiny and perfect he was to my eyes, but my tears just stopped.

Jacob Christian Kovacvich
                                                                                   

 Life and love are different. Perhaps he was incompatible with life, but I love him as much as a mother can love her children. It has taken me time to reach the realization that he knows that I love him, that he could feel it while he was in my womb that he looks down from heaven and knows that he is missed.

 I spent the next hours making as many memories as I could, I held him and kissed him, I sang to him and read to him. I read a letter from Jenny, another awesome mama, and a poem I found online. I talked to him and told him how much I wanted him and loved him. How there were mamas all over Canada that knew him, and cared. I told him to find Mackenzie and Thomas that they would be his brother and sister in heaven. I had pictures taken, and hand and foot prints done. And while the dr and nurses kept telling me he was broken, I told them he was perfect, I think they thought I was crazy. I understood he was sick I get that, but he was just so beautiful despite it all and so tiny. I will say that leaving him the next day was the hardest part of all, it felt so wrong like I was abandoning him, and I felt so empty, so impossibly empty.

 Grieving is such an ongoing process, I know now that only time can make things easier. My pain has not gone away, and I still think of Jacob on a daily basis, but I no longer cry every single day. I have done a few things to help myself heal, we planted an apple tree on my due date, July 1st. I made a scrapbook of my favorite pictures. I have a corner in my dining room with his memory box and his ashes. One day we will lay him to rest but I’m not there yet, I am still unable to part with him completely. I have a monkey that another awesome mama gave me that’s sits in his corner to keep him company and a little precious moment’s ornament my mother gave me of a little boy and a lamb. I truly believe I will never stop grieving. He will ALWAYS be my first born son, a baby that I ached to have, and a part of my heart and soul.

I don’t know what Gods plans are for us, I don’t understand the lessons he feels we need to learn from such loss, but one good thing came from my loss and that is the friendships that I made, friendships that I have never before had, with strength and meaning. I have an understanding of compassion and loss, of how to treat others in pain and heartache. I believe now that nobody can judge and gauge another’s pain, for each of us feels our heartaches differently. If ever you come across a person who has lost a baby and you don’t know what to say, don’t do what I did and turn away, tell them your sad, and tell them not that, things happen for a reason (even if they do) just tell them that your there for them, that you can listen or just hold them. I promise you they will appreciate it. Tyann, Jenny and the other awesome mamas did that for me, and I will NEVER be able to thank them enough.

And just to give you all hope, I am now expecting my rainbow baby, it’s so very early but I’m hopeful and terrified, but so hopeful. One day soon it will be Tyann’s turn I’m just so sure of it.

Submitted by Ruby Kovacvich, one my best friends, I hope to someday meet in person.

 

 

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Well, I hope you enjoyed the 100th post and the submissions of my guest posters!!  I sure feel blessed to have these three women in my life.  Thank for taking the time and emotion to honor my sweet little girl. 

Tyann



Thankful Thursday - Everything's Coming Up Roses

Well almost everything!!! 

I'm Thankful for:

• The fact that Anna got "Polka Dots" this past weekend. God has a mysterious way of working.  I was trying to find a way to go in to the walk in clinic to see my Doctor.  Of course walk in at our clinic is only open in the morning and I'm at work.  However, I needed to make sure Anna didn't have something contagious that I could take to work.  So I left my boss a message that I'd come in late (also thankful for a position that doesn't interrupt anyone else) and took her to the doctor... therefore getting the chance to talk to him about my uncertainties.

• That my doctor agreed that it was in my best interest to go back on my medication... so hopefully I'm feeling better soon!

• Mackenzie's Rose, the pictures really don't do it justice.  There are almost 30 roses on it right now from buds to full blooms.

• That harvest is going really well - we help Jeff's parents with harvest, well I don't do much during the week, especially since it seems Anna has an allergy to canola...

• My handsome, hardworking hubby.  Jeff works from 7 a.m. - 5 p.m. and way later some days, and right now he's been going to the farm after work and helping with harvest too.

• My little big girl, Anna - that face says it all.

• For the people who have stepped forward to write post #100!!!  Yes, there are numerous intriguing writers who have me sitting on pins and needles!  I can't wait to share!!  If you want to contribute it's not to late!!!  Let me know!

Whipers to Heaven for Stella and Hope

Dear Mackenzie,
Mommy is tired today.  I have been thinking of you lots.  I have a lot on my mind but am not sure I can really compose my thoughts.  I am really heart broken for two families.  Mommy doesn't know these families in what I call "real life".  I only know them through some of my mommas who do know them for "real"!  I

Mackenzie, can you do mommy a favour?  Watch over the baby Hope and young Stella as they go through their battles.  Can you do that?  I know you're an angel and I pray that you can be with these two beautiful girls and hold their hands.  Help baby Hope be strong and fight hard as she and her family wait to find out about her surgery or the possible need for a heart transplant. 

Mackenzie, little Stella is... well... dieing...  Will you be there as she passes?  What will it be like for her?  I wish I knew what it was like for you to go from our world here on earth, to the world of our Father in heaven so I could share with Stella's family.  Will you get to meet her?  She will be the beautiful little red head with red curls!  Oh, she's so cute!  How do I know if you will get to see her in heaven?  I don't even know her, but she holds a special place in my heart so do you think that means she'll be your friend in heaven?  I sure hope so!  Cause I think she'd be a lot of fun! 

Do you choose your friends Mackenzie?  Cause I kind of get to help guide Anna right now when it comes to friends.  She's friends with the children of my friends, cause that's who we hang out with, and of course the other kids at her daycare.  But who guides you?  I guess your Father?  God, knows all...  I hope he guides you to Stella!

I love you sweet baby girl.  Oh did you see that we celebrated baby Ally's birthday?  Yah, I was a month late.  I missed her party cause I was doing a run for Cancer, but I made her cupcakes and got her some cute outfits and her very first baby doll.  It's funny how I agreed to do the run for Cancer without realizing I'd miss Ally's big day... in the end I think God was watching out for me.  I don't know if I would have handled the actual party well.  It's so hard sometimes to watch little Ally growing and doing all the things you'd be doing if you were here.  She is such a beautiful child.  I wonder if you girls would have looked alike at all?  After all you are cousins and you were fair colored compared to your sister.  You were blond like daddy... but not quite as bald as Ally :)  It's funny, sometimes getting to spend times like these with Ally are great cause I can experience some of those baby things I missed with you...  but they are also hard...

Good night baby girl, kisses and hugs! 
Love you forever,
Mommy

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If you are reading this post, please pray for the two little girls, Stella and Hope.  If you click on their individual names you can read more of their stories. 

REMINDER!!  I AM HOPING SOMEONE WANTS TO GUEST WRITE POST #100.  PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU'RE INTERESTED, OR I MAY JUST ASK YOU, THEN HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SAY "NO"???

Guest spot!!!

Well, I'm excited to say that I'm reaching a milestone with this blog!  100 posts!!!  So as a little something different I was wondering if YOU would like to write my 100th post!

That's right!  I'm giving you, my loyal readers, the opportunity to share something from your life on my blog.  Maybe you already have a blog of your own... we could share a little of you with my regular readers...  or maybe you have gone through similar experiences as myself.  If you`d like the chance to share your story but don`t want the whole blog thing, here`s your chance.  Maybe your`re a friend or family member who just wants to share with readers the impact Mackenzie has had on your life. 

Any takers??  I dare you to go out on a limb and try something new.  You can me anonymous, if that make you feel better.  

If you are interested, email me @ tyannerikssen@gmail.com  I can't wait to hear from you!

I'm back...

I'm back...  here, at guilt. 

Way back last October, I wrote about how I felt guilty.  That Mackenzie's death was some sort of punishment to me.  Well, I've had these thoughts go through my head, that I'm not pregnant because God is punishing me for something.  For what? you may ask...

Well, how about coveting what my friends and family have?  Every time I hear of someone who is expecting a new little one, it feels like a slow stab to the heart.  Yes, if you are pregnant, I'm am so so happy for you, really I am.  And at the same time I wonder, "Why not me?  What have I done?  What haven't I done?  What do I need to do?"  I want what all these other families have!!!

My mom told me some 15 months ago that I may have a hard time hearing others happy news of their little miracles growing in their tummies.  At that time, I received these announcements of new arrivals to be as hope!  Now, I understand what mom was talking about.  Why is mom always right??  It may take a while, but she's always right.  If you are pregnant, please don't avoid me, or avoid sharing with me.  I'm coping...

Maybe God is punishing me for not being a good enough person.  I know I am not perfect.  He knows that I have lots of room for improvement!  Sometimes I think maybe He doesn't think I can handle another child.  For those of you with young ones, you know how some of those trying days can be.

In my heart, I know God is not punishing me.  It's just really hard to see some days.  Clouds seem to cover over my heart quickly these days.  I'm tired.  I just want to stay home.  I have to push myself to get things done.  But once I get going, things seem to be better. 

Today I stayed in my PJ's until 11 a.m. or so... then Anna and I folded laundry outside, cleaned out our recycling box, had lunch outside, vacuumed out the Jeep and washed it.  Washing the Jeep when you don't have an abundance or consumable water to waste is a dirty process which consists of actual manual labour!! hahaha, there i was with a bucket and a big scrub mitt!  Then I splurged and wasted some water to hose the whole thing down to get rid of the dirt streaks.  Jeff has spent the weekend swathing for his dad.  We had our first supper in the field last night. 

Well once again, a bit all over the place.  Please keep me in your prayers, as I struggle with all these confusing feelings.  If you know of any good passages that I should read, please send them my way.