Thankful Thursday - Mackenzie's Song

"If I Die Young"

I am so thankful for this song.  I have talked about it before I'm sure... I had heard it many times prior to Mackenzie's birth, a really catchy tune, but never had I payed attention to the lyrics.  This is the song that came on the radio after I left the hospital where Kim's baby girl, Ally, was born.  That was such a joyful, sad day for me.  The birth of a cousin, exactly 2 months after the still birth of my little angel.  I cried that day in a way that I have never cried before.  It was a different weeping then I did at Mackenzie's funeral.  Different from the tears I shed when I first heard that radiologist say, "I'm sorry to have to tell you...".  A different breakdown then what I had in "Once Upon a Child" when I picked out Mackenzie's one and only dress.

When I went to see Kim in the hospital, I knew I walking into a room where there was a very new and preciously loved and wanted little girl.  Kim and I shared every detail of our girls' lives prior to their births.  Our tummies were growing together...  I knew walking into this room would change my life in a way.  I can remember when I found the room with the right number on the door.  Do I turn around and run?  Do I go in?  What do I say?  How do I hold her baby?  Can I handle this?  I need to do this... Lord, hold me...  I knocked on the door, and a sweet voice answered, "Come on in!" 

I walked in, looked at Kim holding her infant daughter, who she fought so hard for.  She was beaming!  She radiated joy.  Kim was the complete opposite of what I was 2 months earlier...

I just burst into tears... sitting down beside her, I looked into the face of a miracle.  Kim and I sat, and we both wept.  I think we both wept for the same reasons.  The loss of my Mackenzie, the joy for her Ally, what would have bin a kinship between 2 cousins, the loss of the memories we were going to make with our babies.  Kim cried for me, and I cried for her.  I held baby Ally... Kim told me that day that she really felt that Mackenzie was Ally's angel, watching out for her.  Ally was born early, and Kim later found out, just how lucky they were...  but she really believes that Mackenzie was there protecting her cousin.

I left that hospital in tears.  I can't even explain those emotions, they're big.  They are inconceivable.  They are your worst nightmare.  They haunt you, stalk you in the silence of the day, beat you down into the depth of despair.  Those emotions are like the flood that God sent on the world to drown out all the evil and pain created.  In the end, those emotions saved me.  Those emotions kept me aware.  Aware that I was still alive, aware that I was still breathing.  You wouldn't feel that pain if the breathe was sucked out of you.

Today, I feel like Noah.  Noah sent the dove from the ark to see if there was dry land.  The dove came back with a branch in it's mouth.  Today I imagine that this is how Noah felt when he saw that dove come back with the green branch of life.  I can see the promise God sent the world, promising to never flood the world again.  I can see that rainbow.  I feel that HOPE.

Wow, have I gotten off track... funny how that works.  The song that I am so thankful for is "If I Die Young" by the Band Perry.  When I heard it as I drove away from that hospital I really heard the words for the first time, and I cried even more intensely, cause this is what I heard...

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh, uh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh well
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger,
I've never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holdin' my hand,
There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well,
I've had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (oh, uh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save 'em for a time when you're really gonna need 'em, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls

• So many things about this song reflect Mackenzie in my eyes.  She was "buried in satin", the bouquet on her casket was filled with "roses", we sent her away with the words of "Jesus Loves Me".

• "Lord make me a rainbow..." that whole verse, need I say more?

• Mackenzie did have "just enough time" to change our lives forever, to teach us... what we needed to know, about ourselves, love, and most of all faith in God.

• And maybe Mackenzie's "thoughts" are coming out here...  cause now I'm "really listening".

• She was "wearing white" and we have faith that she went to into "His Kingdom".  The reference to green and a ring... well Jeff bought me an emerald and diamond ring in Mackenzie's memory a week after she was born.

• Her daddy did "put on his best", she wasn't wearing "pearls" but her grandparents did lay her to rest with a beautiful necklace.

• I guess you could say we try to "save our tears".  And we really did use them when Jeff's cousin was tragically killed.

This song will always have such special meaning to me.  I haven't heard it in a while, have you?  Tell me what you thought of it.



Wordless Wednesday _ Christmas Randomness

Santa came to our house

excited to see Santa!

Anna glitter glue fingers

Nap time! 

Christmas Eve @ Grandma and Grandpa Lukan's

The Night Before Christmas Tradition

The Angel Tradition (Anna's great great grandfather Henry Lukan

purchased this angel for the church many years ago.  You put

coins in her pouch and she nods her head.  I did this as a little girl too.)

Crafting with mom

Building Great Grandma Lukan a castle

ICE CREAM!!!

Playing shuffle board

Little Cow Girl

Much to the contentment of my Grandmother (who was a barrel races in her younger years), Anna's Grandpa (Jeff's dad) is going to make her a little cow girl.  She loves going to grandpa and grandma's.  She is always on the lookout for her favourite horse "Big Fellow".  She has already rode bare back in the farm yard with the help of her grandparents.  They have the cutest little child's saddle too! 

I can't remember how old she was when she took her first ride with Grandpa, probably a couple months or more.  She loves going to jack pots to watch Grandpa in action.  The best part is when he comes to the grandstand and reaches his arms out for her.  Off she goes a riddin'.  I've warned grandpa that if she wants to be a barrel racer he will have to sponsor her... she'll need a horse, a trailer, a truck, cute outfits, boots, hats etc.  Talk about an expensive sport!  She already has a horse specialist, as her Godmother, my sister in law, Janelle, is a equestrian massage therapist.  But for now...

She'll enjoy riding Buckaroo... supplied by her other grandpa and grandma as a Christmas gift.  My mom phoned Jeff's dad told him she bought the starter horse, he has to buy the real thing.

Perfect Wings

So you read my  Friday Night Leftovers.  I was in a pit of turmoil about Mackenzie needing a stocking.

We went shopping on Saturday.  I hit the deals big time!!!  I love a good deal.  SStore had all their Christmas beauty on sale for 90% OFF!!!!  So I got wrapping paper, pine cones, Christmas balls, 104 Christmas cards, 4 wicker baskets, and 11 (yes I said ELEVEN!) rolls of wrapping paper for $12.00!  Original price $120.00.  I love a deal.

This post is not about my deal, I just had to share cause it's so exciting! 

We also went to Walmart.  I was looking at laptops, I need a new PC cause this dino is just not cutting it.  I would blog more if I could load pictures quicker and it didn't take FOREVER!  Anyway, Anna was starting to fall asleep, so I carried her through the store on my search to find the left over Christmas glory.  I was hunting down the perfect stocking for our angel. 

And there it was, a perfectly beautiful stocking, like angel wings...

I love it!  Feathers just like perfect wings.

A special certain someone (I won't call you out), asked me why I would want a stocking for a child who is not going to be there Christmas morning, and what would I put in it?  I will put Mackenzie's "Remembrance" Hallmark ornament in her stocking every year, and Anna will open it, hang it on the tree, and we will tell her about her sister. 

Mackenzie is part of my life, she always will be with her perfect wings.

Oh, and we had a Mackenzie rainbow yesterday.  The three of us were playing outside.  When we came in I was getting Anna undressed, and there right in front of me the sunlight cast a small little rainbow on the basement floor.  I told Anna, "look there's our rainbow!"  "Rainbow!" she responded.  She bent over to try and pick it up.  As she did so, she blocked the sunlight and the rainbow disappeared for a moment.  She was a little sad, then she stepped back, "My rainbow back!"

You may think I'm crazy, but I know Mackenzie was right there with us - just out of reach.

Friday Night Leftovers

I stole this title from a friend, because this is a left over I need to get off my chest...

A friend of mine, posted here on her December 24, 2011 post, about missing her son Brennan on Christmas.  Brennan is the heavenly baby I wrote about here, which was one of most popular posts.  Anyway, back to Brennan's mommy... she wrote about how they remembered baby Brennan at Christmas.  When she mentioned that Baby Brennan had a stocking, my heart sank.  I didn't buy Mackenzie a stocking, I didn't even think about it.  I mean we did our "own thing" and started a tradition, but what kind of parent doesn't buy their baby a stocking when everyone else in the family has one?

We didn't use our stockings this year since we were at mom and dad's on Christmas day, but they were still hanging.  There should have been four hanging there.  We do have a tradition that Jeff and I started a couple years into our relationship.  We buy Hallmark ornaments for one another.  We did buy Mackenzie one, but I wish I would have put it in her stocking...

We also took Mackenzie a Christmas tree.  Brennan's mommy took a picture of his bear in front of the Christmas tree... I didn't even think of it.  Oh!  A little regret.  Maybe it's OK that we didn't do those things.  We can all do our remembrance differently, I know, I just wish I would have thought of it. 

I tucked away the last of the Christmas bling today, you know those random items that try to hide and our hoping to see a glimpse of summer fun?  Well, amongst those items were our stockings.  I think tomorrow when we're shopping I'm going to see if there is any Christmas decor left lurking around and snatch up a stocking, and tuck it away for Christmas's to come.

Well, if I press "POST" now, this will still make the Friday cut, and still qualify as a "Left Over"! 
Good night!  Have a great weekend.

AND GO!!!

Time is a ticking, gotta write fast!  OK, so my New Years post was supposed to be about this... (but when I sat down this came out.)

So here is what I was going to tell you almost a week ago.

I went back to work today!  Yep, after about 11 weeks off, I knew this time that I was ready.  Something just "clicked" before Christmas.  Could it have been that 2 1/2 hour counselling session?  Maybe.  Could it have been that everything went well at my family Christmas Jeff and I hosted the weekend prior to Christmas?  Maybe.  Could it have been the realization that I've been unknowingly been dealing with anxiety for a longtime and now with the right help I feel so much better?  Maybe.  Could it have been a close friend gently reminding me that I should consider going back if we are thinking of having another baby because I need to collect 600 working hours in the last 52 weeks prior to qualifying for maternity leave.  Maybe.  Could it have been a combination of all these things.  Most likely they were all a big factor.

I think, for me, a big part of it was just getting there.  I don't know what or where there is, but I guess I found it.  I just feel like I'm in a good spot right now.  I've actually been telling people that i feel better now then i have in years.  Yes, I most likely suffered from postpartum depression after having Anna.  But how was I supposed to know?  I was a first time mom,  I thought cranky, moody, tired, no motivation, and not wanting to see people or leave the house was normal...  If you are a new mom or a second time mom, don't be afraid to talk to your doctor and ask questions.

I don't feel so edgy anymore.  If you don't believe me, ask my husband.  I am no longer a train wreck waiting to explode cause it's leaking some hazardous chemical.  I am a mom, I am a wife, I am a daughter, I am friend, I am an auntie, I am a coworker...  I honestly couldn't have said that even a month ago.  I just didn't know where I was, and i definitely wasn't there!

They say after you have suffered a traumatic loss, you never go back to the "old" you.  That's true.  I also read that only you have the opportunity to make the "new" you better then the "old" you.  That kind of hit me.  I feel like I am a better version of myself after the year I've been through.  I survived THAT!  I pulled through with my family intact, with my marriage coming out stronger, and with love for my daughters that I can't even begin to explain.  I waded through the darkest hours that I believe any of us can go through.  Yes, there were days that I stepped a little to far, and almost drown.  But those days led a little closer to the days that brought the shallow water, when I could feel the sunlight on almost my entire body. 

You need to come thisclose in order to come out with a new vision.  A new vision of what's important in life.  A new vision for your family, and a new vision of yourself. 

I like the "new" me.  That new Tyann Catherine Erikssen includes being the mother of two daughters, one here on earth and one in God's arms in heaven.  This is the hardest type of mom to be - not being able to see that sweet face grow and change, not hearing her laughter and seeing her smile.  But I do have the "best of both worlds", I have an angel with me everyday that I get to sing to, laugh with, smile with, share life with, and I have an angel in heaven that will be waiting to greet her Mommy when God calls me home.

Well, my times up, gotta hit the hay by 9pm if you plan on getting up at 4:50 am.

Bring on the New Year and New Beginnings!

I have never been more excited to say "goodbye" to a year as I was last night.  I'm done with 2011.  A year full of emotion, love, loss, smiles and tears.  To me 2012 means a whole new beginning.  I have not taken any of that "bad stuff" with me into 2012.  I am not saying I have left those memories behind, but am going to only take the positive out of the hard times.

We lost Jeff's Grandma Mary last January.  From her I learnt that a little bit of tradition is fun and just having family around gives you strength.

Our precious little Mackenzie Mary was born in to the arms of God May 21, 2011.  From my little girl's short life, only lived inside my womb, I have learnt so much.  I've learnt about love, God, the power of prayer, the grace of the Holy Spirit, the comfort of Jesus, the love of family, friends and neighbors.  Mackenzie taught me so much about myself, my marriage, my husband, her sister Anna, how to really be a mom, and one of the hardest lessons - how to ask for help.

How is it that a life so timid and quiet could make such an impact?  Is it because I listen to her?  Because I've let her lead me to be the person I am meant to be?  I guess I won't know, until I meet her again.  Some people say we leave this earth when we have fulfilled out life's purpose... my little angel's purpose must have been to show us what is important in life.  I don't want to be remembered for the car I drive, the house I live in, or even the clothes I wear.  I don't care how much money we have or any of that stuff.  Mackenzie's precious life proved to me that none of that stuff would have changed anything.  Would God have decided to change the path of her life because we could bring her home to a castle?  I really doubt it. 

Mackenzie you saved me.  You saved me from myself in so many ways.  You made me and daddy stronger.  Stronger in our marriage, stronger in our faith, stronger as parents.  Thank you!

We had a third tragic loss in 2011.  Jeff's cousin, as close to a brother he'd ever have, was sent to God so unexpectedly.  Some would say this could have been our "breaking point", and believe me, many days it did feel that way.  What Jim really taught us was to "Always make good choices".  NEVER NEVER leave each other before reconciling over what ever we may have been disagreeing over.  Life is to short.  Jim and his beautiful wife have taught us to live life to the fullest, everyday is a gift.  LOVE LOVE LOVE!  Jim and his bride of over 20 years are so in love.  I can still see it in her eyes.

It was with this third tragic loss that we actually were able to talk about Mackenzie.  Not that we never did, but actually talk about her in a deeper way.  On the way home from Jim's memorial we talked about how we both pictured Jim, who loved kids, bouncing our little girl on his knee, her giggling with delight.

So, it is hard to believe that it's been a year.  It'll be a year this week, that I went for my ultra sound...  Much of the past year is a blur to me.  I know there is so much that is lost in the fog.  Maybe that's God's way of protecting me from the memories of some really dark times.  The events that I do recall more vividly are happy days.

I pray that 2012 is a year full of bright colours, beautiful memories and new beginnings.

Happy New Year everyone!