Grief Stage # 5 - ANGER

Anger  (this is #5, but since I just got here today, I figured I'd skip ahead)
I was told that I would go through this stage.  Actually, this is one of the first ones I was warned about.  People would comment:

"You may be angry with friends who are pregnant."
"You may be angry at the doctors for not catching things sooner."
"You may be angry when you here of others who are announcing their pregnancies."
"You may be angry when you see other women with newborns."
"You may even be angry with God."
"You may be angry at yourself..."

The book the counsellor gave me on grief, that explains these stages, suggests that I may be angry with Mackenzie died and left me alone...  well I don't feel that way, I'm not alone.  O that she caused me such horrible pain.  I don't feel that way either.  What ever happened to our angel was not her fault.

Anger is reasonable.  We are encouraged to find it, recognise it, acknowledge it, and express the anger.  It's OK to be angry, and I'm reading that I'm not supposed to feel guilty about it, which i do.  I'm trying not to let it consume me...  As the book says, I will live with it for a while, and then I'll let it go... when I'm ready. 

Thank you to a couple good friends who've really listened to my anger.  Even though I'm making excuses for it at the same time, your listening helps me express that anger.

I can't really get into the reason for my anger here, on my blog.  But let's just say, I'm angry at myself for being naive.  In what way?  a few... like taking for granted that a baby was going to arrive after 40 weeks, all healthy, and crying.  And well, there's more to it then just that...

*   *   *

On a happy note...

• today i spent the afternoon with Kimmy.  I picked up lunch and we ate at her place then went to the indoor play centre.
• I got to gab it up with a bunch of other fun mommies!  always a good time!
• I stopped at the small town thrift store "The Good as New" and found some treasures!  A .50 cent pair of Oakley sunglasses for Anna AND a $1 high chair thingy that has clamps on it so you can clamp it on a table!!!  And it's a Phil and Ted's!!  (that's a very good quality and pricey brand name of baby gear)  And this thingy matches our Phil and Ted's stroller!  so happy about that!  I love a great deal!!  As I would say to my mother in law "It's like FREE!!!!"
• I got to clean the house a bit this evening!  (believe me, this is something to be happy about!)
• Anna fell asleep on the way home, as I was coming up to the church I thought I would like to stop and pay a visit to Mackenzie.  It was nice.  It was quiet, except for the odd vehicle on the highway.  I always wonder if people who pass by when I'm there wonder why I'm here, who I'm "visiting"... 
• I choked back the tears as I sang Mackenzie's funeral song... "Away in a Manger"
• I got an email from one of my mommies that is coming out my way later this winter.  A group of us are going to meet up!!!  I'm so excited!!!  Two of the ladies I've met before, but one I haven't!!  This is a HUGE deal to me!  think of how you felt about Santa Claus when you were 4...  YAH!  that BIG!!

As I left that beautiful spot this afternoon I thought to myself how this often doesn't feel real to me.  How I feel like thishas happened to someone else.  Someone commented to me last week that she thought that this only happens to "bad" people.  You know the women who do drugs, smoke, eat terrible, our not taking care of themselves, drink, don't take their vitamins, don't go to the doctor... you know, those people, not ordinary people like me.  Sometimes I feel like I'm still watching a very sad movie.  You know those movies that you sniffle at, and hold back those tears?  And then, I go to her spot, Mackenzie's earthly resting place, and I see HER name printed on that memorial... Mackenzie Mary Erikssen... our baby's name.  I really try not to think about the little white casket, that lays under the ground, I strain to shut out the images in my mind...

Friday Night Leftovers - Playing in the Dark

What's better then taking your 2 & 1/2 year old outside to play in the dark?  We put handlamps on and the three of head out to explore our yard.  Everything is "new' a night.  We walk, pull Anna in the sleigh, watch Anna run down the driveway.  Every once in a while she "falls" cause "there is just so much snow mommy!"  yah, all 3' of it...  we also check out all the dear, coyote, and little critter tracks.

And we make...

SNOW ANGELS!!

Thankful Thursday - Mommies & Compassion

Compassion  -   'compati'
                                      - com  -  with
                                      - pati   -   to suffer, to bear
      Compassion - "suffer together with another"


Today I got a special gift in the mail from one of my mommies.  (yes, I'm referring to the group of beautiful, talented moms I met on line about 3 & 1/2 years ago.)  I got a sweet little letter, and two beautiful pictures.

This is what the letter said (for the sake of privacy I will leave out their names): 

" Hi Tyann,
Every morning when my son wakes up, i ask him if he had a good sleep and good dreams.  He always answer "Yes!"  Then I ask what he dreamt about, to which he always answers, "monkeys, tigers, and cars."  It's always those three things!  This morning he said he dreamt of rainbows.  I thought of you right away, he's been talking about rainbows all morning and wanted to colour rainbows.  It only seems right to share with you!
Luv, Mommy and little boy"

Here are the beautiful pictures they sent:

In my opinion, what this little boy and his mommy show are compassion.  Thank you dear friends.  I am truly greatful for every single one of my "mommies".  There is not a day that goes by that I don't refer to them.  Everyone is getting used to it... maybe sick of it... LOL.

The theme of my whole week seemed to be compassion, and I didn't realise it until late into my shift on Monday.  We had a little "in service" on compassion.  I realised that my crying in the hallway over the loss of someones loved one, is compassion.  Taking the time to go to Brennan's resting place on his birthday, is compassion.  Helping my father in law with his injured horse, is compassion.  All of us mommies rallying behind and supporting a mommy going through a difficult time, is compassion.  Replacing my coworker at a bunch of meetings so she could finish her day on time, is compassion.  Even putting Anna to bed early tonight (cause last night she was a wreck and no one was happy), is an act of compassion to our family. 

Many people have shown me compassion in the last 8 months.  Those who have cried with me.  Those who have stopped in with a meal for my family.  Those who have offered to prepare meals for us.  Those who sent cards.  Everyone who helped with the purchase of Mackenzie's headstone.  Those who have called me up to see how I'm doing.  Many friends who keep me included in things I like to do.  My friends and coworkers who are all supportive.  My superiors at work, who helped me when I needed 10 weeks off from work.  The counsellor I went to see.  My doctor... oh the list goes on and on.  These people have all suffered along with me in the grief I feel over loosing someone so precious.

Compassion is all around you.  Compassion softens the heart, and eases the spirit.  Compassion is a beautiful thing for those receiving and the ones giving.

When was the last time you received some compassion? 

When was the last time you showed some one compassion?

Happy Birthday Baby Brennan

Happy 4th Birthday Brennan!

It is Brennan's 4th birthday today.  Today is that day for his family.  Jenn, his mommy, has been a special friend to me, guiding me through my grief and providing me with hope.  I wanted to commemorate his birthday for his family, and share it with them.  They've moved away and could not go to Brennan's resting place today.  I messaged his mommy this morning, and asked if there was anything special I could take.  She answered an orange rose, if not a red one, or orange Gerber daisies.  I phoned my florist, I love her - she did our wedding flowers and Mackenzie's and she does bouquets for me the odd time.  My florist was closed today.  So I called another.  She didn't have orange roses, or Gerber's.  We improvised, she did a great job.  I think it was not meant to be for me to take that orange rose.  I think that the orange rose is special, for mommy, daddy, Kellan, Kalli and baby to take.  In the end, I guess we started a new tradition. 

This is Brennan's story.

 

"Angel That's Lost" - Jenn Beaupre

Amazing!  That's the first word that comes to my mind.  We just came back from the "Kinsella Performing Arts Guild", where we saw Jenn Beaupre perform.  Wow!  I swear that was meant to be.  The thing is, we bought these tickets last February 2011.  Why would we have tickets to see this particular woman sing tonight?  We bought those tickets before we knew that we were going to break.  Before we knew we were going to have the hardest summer and season in our lives.  Before we knew... that our lives were to be changed for ever.  Jenn was booked for this show before she knew, her best friend's brother would take his own life.  Before she knew she was going to write a song called "Angel That's Lost".  Before anyone knew that her being there tonight, and my hearing her sing that song would release me from emotion I never knew I had. 

Don't you see?  God DOES have a plan for each and every one of us.  He knew!  He knew exactly what was going on all along.  He knew He was going to put me and Jenn in the same room tonight, I needed to hear that song.  It almost made me giggle.

I sat in the car before the show, Jeff went to stand in the cold to get us a good seat.  I added to my facebook status that today, January 21, 2012, Mackenzie would have been 8 months old.  I was trying to think what she would be doing today... would she be crawling?  would she be playing patty cake?  would she walk along furniture yet?  would she say "mama?" answers will never come for those questions.

When Jenn started singing tonight, I can't explain the way I felt so connected to her music.  She drew me in.  She sat at her piano and you could see she was up there because she had a passion.  I once had that passion for music.  I lost it somewhere between college and moving to Edmonton years ago.  I've written a couple songs, that I have actually sat down and put notes to.  One song was about the death of a college dorm mate.  Who knew that I would, years later, move to the town where he grew up and become friends with his sister?  crazy  I miss that music, now that I have felt it again.

Getting back to the song Jenn wrote about her friend's brother passing...  I honestly can't remember a single word from that song, other then the title, but as she sang it, I just lost it.  Yes, I was sitting second table from the front of the stage, tears running down my face, holding back the sobs.  I'm sure I was shaking.  I don't even think I heard any of the words she sang, I felt it.  I felt the hurt that she felt for her friend, I felt the passion in the music, the lyric of the song going straight to my heart.  I had to dig out the kleenex, the tears were all the way down my face, running down my neck... I squeezed Jeff's hand under the table.  I didn't have it in me to look up at him, but I know he was thinking the same thing I was.  As we stood in the line up for yummy snacks he said to me, "Well that song sure struck a chord didn't it?".

Jenn sang many original songs, and some covers too.  She sang "Poker Face" - Lady Gaga, "Hallelujah" - Leonard Cohen, "I Will Always Love You" - Dolly Parton, "The Rainbow Connection".  Are you kidding me?  Why would this woman sing that song?  No, it's not one that I sing to Anna, maybe a couple lines here and there.  But a rainbow song???  Right... I know to everyone else this is just a coincidence, maybe it is to me too.  But, i'm pretty sure in my faith, that God had a little more to do with tonight then most of you are willing to consider.  Why?  Because He has it all mapped out. 

*   *   *

Mackenzie, I have never looked at the world in the same way since 8 months ago, May 21, 2011.  I find you in the smallest parts of my day, and in moments when I think no one knows you at all.  Baby girl, mommy and daddy were introduced to someone tonight, in that introduction we were said to have 1 little girl.  I hate that.  I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!!  I just want to get up and scream, "NO!!!  You are wrong!  We have two daughters!  You hear me!?  TWO!"

Mommy didn't imagine the joy of seeing those two lines on a pregnancy test fifteen and a half months ago.  I didn't dream that I heard your heart beat.  I didn't dream that I was going to fall in love with you the first moment I saw you.  I have your ultrasound picture.  I have your foot and hand prints.  I even have your little hand to hold - a casting the hospital made.  You are real!  I'm not loosing my mind.  You didn't dissapear from my heart the day your grandpas helped lower your sweet little casket into the ground.  Your memory wasn't burried when your grandpas gently covered you up with rich prarie soil.  Your memory lives strong in mommy's heart.  I miss you.  I love you.  Mackenzie, mommy wants you back...

I know, sweet baby, that you come back to me as often as you can.  I know you want me to hold you in my arms.  I see you in the sky, I hear you in the wind.  I smile everytime you come back to me.  You were sitting heavy on my heart tonight, creating light in my spirit. 

*   *   *

Jenn Beaupre, was a very unlikely artist to be featured in such a "rural" population.  Her music being so soulful (I couldn't figure out who she reminded me of... Amanda Marshall), she was very "alternative" sounding, i'm sure, to the crowd.  The average age of the crowd was mostlikely around 55.  I was sitting in my chair, trying to hold my self together.  My eyes were often closed, as I just felt the music...  Jenn, and I are the same age.  A few of the songs she sang were popular when we both would have been in high school.  She was going to do the song "Drops of Jupiter" - Train, but I think I was one of the few in the audience who knew it!  That song was very popular the spring of my highschool graduation.  Jenn's lucky that she lives in Calgary, cause if she lived closer I would demand that we be BFFs (now if she reads this she'll think I'm crazy!!!).  Maybe we were once, in a past life. I just finished listening to her talk about music on youtube, she takes the words right out of my mouth, she's just a much better vocalist and pianist then me.  ;)

The song that Jenn chose to sing to close out her show (before the encore) was "I Hope You Dance" - Lee ann Womack.  I almost laughted out loud.  I used to sing that song when I took music lessons.  Coincidence in the making from some 11 years ago...  Jeff was busy talking to people after the show.  We stood at the back of the hall, I was watching the stage to see if Jenn would come back out to pack up her things.  She did... I just had to go thank her.  I told her that I loved her song "Angel That's Lost" and asked if it would come out on her next album.  I told her how I sat in the audience and cried.  She was so happy to hear that her music moved me.  I shared with her, through my struggle to keep my voice from breaking, that we had lost our daughter.  She was shocked, she gave me a big hug.  What a beautiful soul.  Jenn, if you ever read this, keep going, keep writing, recording, singing.  You have a great future ahead of you.  I can't wait until I can go out and buy your CD with that special song on it.  Until it does, I will listen to you on youtube

 I knew that God was with me tonight, He always is, sometimes I just loose can't see Him for looking.  Tonight Jenn's music opened my eyes, so God could remind me He has a plan for me...  I just have to be wait, be patient, and walk the path.

*   *   *

I'm going to encourage you to hit the links at the top of the page.  You know the words that show up in color!  They will take you to Jenn's webpage, and to youtube to hear "Angel That's Lost".  Jenn asked me to add her on my facebook, and I told her I'd link her on my blog.  So if you don't want to scroll back up, here are the links again.

Jenn Beaupre

Angel That's Lost

Friday Night Leftovers - Weekend Rainbows

We had a nice weekend last week.  We went to Jeff's mom and dad's Sunday afternoon, played some games, and had supper.  On the way over...

I know, you're thinking "Duh, crazy woman those aren't rainbows!".  To bad!  Those are rainbows in my eyes, even if we had to have -35 degree days to produce them.  They are rainbows in my heart.  I thought it was really awesome that Mackenzie popped in on our family afternoon. 


I missed "Thankful Thursday" yesterday because I wanted to dedicate that post to a friend.  I have a lot to be thankful for...

I am so thankful that we live in the country, with wide open prairie sky.  We have the beauty of the sky, and not buildings.  The sun floods our home with light, and cascades rainbows in the funniest places, created by something on the window glass perhaps?


God's first rainbow was the sign of a promise to never again flood the earth.  I've probably said it before... when I see a rainbow I also think that God has a promise to continue to bring us hope.


Jeff didn't have to work Wednesday and Thursday because it was so cold out.  I think the worst it got to was - 37 or so with the wind -48.  Anna got to stay home with daddy those two days and I headed off to work.  When I got home I did a little house work then we all cuddles up on our couches and watched movies and Tree House.  Family days that we missed at Christmas...Thankful God gave us this opportunity to relax.


Thankful for my darling Anna.  This week because she has conquered her New Year Resolution to #2 on the potty.  She's rockin' it!  O.K.  so she has yet to be successful at daycare, or for daddy, but as long as mom's around she is not afraid, even in a public washroom! 


I am thankful for my job.  Yes, I said it.  I love my job.  Jeff just asked me out of the blue the other day, "What would you do for work if you weren't working at the hospital?".  I looked at him, tilted my head and thought for 30 seconds.  "I couldn't imagine doing anything else! My job is great!  I love to work independently."


Let me explain.  I do the laundry for the LTC residents at our rural hospital and Seniors care home.  No, it's not really that glamorous.  I wash clothes, fold and hang, and take them back to every ones rooms.  I order linens for both the hospital and LTC.  The best part is that I work on my own.  I get to have coffee with a great group of women, whom I adore.  I get to visit here and there, with other great staff members.  I listen to music in my own department as I hang and fold, and I get time to think without interruption.  I am around people, yet I don't have to deal with your normal, work "politics".  My superiors have been very good to me and we have a wonderful benefits package.


Best of all... I feel like I'm helping others.  I'm doing my part for the wonderful grandpas and grandmas who call our LTC "home".  I get to chat with them, collect the love from their smiles and the giggles from their jokes.  I have a few residents who I regularly have chats with almost daily.  One used to be good friends with the family that used to own our land and home.  He gets a chuckle when he asks me, "How are those basement stairs?  Boy are the wicked!"  (They don't sit quite parallel to the ground.)  Another resident knows Jeff's family well.  I get to hear her stories, and she is such a beautiful soul.  This lady can really put life into perspective when you're feeling out of luck.


I am thankful for YOU!  My loyal family, friends and some people I don't even know.  You read this blog, that often goes all over the place, ending up further back then it started! 

What are you thankful for?  If you're having a bad day, sit down and think... Are you really so bad off?  Think of the others around you... I'm sure they are thinking of more then just a bad hair day.  Maybe they are dealing with so much more.  Be thankful for your trials and tribulations, look back at how far you've come.

Why?

I had a whole post written in my head, and then things changed.  Life is hard sometimes, so unfair, so hard to understand.

This post is dedicated to a very wonderful April 2009 mommy.  We've never met in "real life" but have known each other for 2.5 years.  You know who you are...

I don't even know where I'm heading right now but, here it goes...

She just found out that her beautiful baby boy, growing inside her is unfortunately, not doing well.  She needs our prayers.  I get it, all those awful feelings going through her soul.  The questions, the waiting to hear an answer ...  The physical pain, almost to the point of being unbearable.  The pit in your stomach that makes you feel physically ill.  The numbness that starts the moment you hear those words... not being able to believe that this is your life, not a movie you're watching... this is my nightmare.

When it comes to my own grief, I am feeling that I am in a good place these days.  I am feeling stronger and healthier then I have in years.  Has God, helped me, lifted me, taught me, so I can pass it on?  as a friend has passed it on to me?  I guess I just have to have faith, hope, and love.  I need to pray that this special mommy finds strength in God the way I have.

If God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't he more surely care for you?  Matthew 6:30

As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you.  Isaiah 66:13

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love.  1 Corinthians 13:13 

The Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28

Dear friend,  I know you will read this at some point.  Please know, I have a heavy spot in my heart for you.  The spot right tucked in beside Mackenzie.  A place of warmth, filled with love, and the growing light of hope.

If you have a spare moment in your day, please send a prayer to heaven for her.  God will know who you are praying for...

Grief Stage One - In the Beginning

This is something I wanted to start writing about a month ago.  I received a great book from my counsellor about grief and the stages a person goes through after loosing someone.  I want to share my journey through these stages with you.  I have passed through, sometimes not to gracefully, many of these stages already.  I understand if you don't want to read about them, so skip the days I write about these stages.  I want to document them for myself, and maybe there is just one person out there that needs to know that the stages they are going through are normal.  If you are going through your own grief process, don't expect that you will follow the same path as anyone else.  Grief is so territorial, protecting it's space in your heart, mind, body and soul.

Stage One - In the Beginning

I.  PAIN- there is nothing in the world that could have prepared me for the extreme rawness of loosing a baby.  When I was laying in that hospital bed during my induction, I pictured myself going home and laying in bed for a week.  I hurt so bad that I was numb.  I didn't even know how to express the pain, I kept telling everyone, "It's OK."  I know there is no way of steering away from grief, and that the longer you wait to face it head on, the harder it may be.

II.  SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS of GRIEF - I pretty much felt like I was loosing my mind.  I felt lost, and still do sometimes.  I tried not to worry about crying in front of others.  At times, it would just hit me.  Some of the signs/symptoms of grief that I experienced were:  Exhaustion, headaches, anxiety, helplessness, so much forgetfulness, the inability to concentrate, and I was very irritable.  Like I said, there are days that I am still all of those things.  The biggest thing I noticed right off the top was the forgetfulness.  Your head is so FULL that there is no way I could remember anything.  My brain was just trying to process what was going on, I didn't retain very much for quite a while.

III. TAKING CARE of YOUR BODY - I never really had a problem with this.  I had just had a baby, but I didn't have her in my arms.  I felt like if I had Mackenzie with me when I was out and about, people would see that I had an infant, and forgo that extra "pudge" around my middle.  Seeing that I didn't have my baby, I felt like I needed to get back to my normal weight ASAP.  I did so by exercising, eating properly, and getting back to my old program.  So maybe I DID, have a problem with this?  I was ashamed of my body, because I didn't have the baby to show for the tummy I had.  This was rough.  Coming home from the hospital, trying to find something to where to my daughter's funeral...

IV.  ACCEPTING the REALITY of DEATH - I do feel like I've accepted this reality.  I feel like we really tried to from the very beginning.  On the way to that emergency ultrasound, I prayed to God "Please, just be with me, what ever your will is for my baby.  Help me handle this."  When that radiologist said the words, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this..."  I had God's answer, and I knew He would hold me in His arms.  Jeff and I both told the doctors before the induction that we had faith, and that God had a different plan for our little one.  Not that we had to like the plan, but we had to accept it.

So that's Stage One.

Friday Night Left Overs - I stole your questions!

I was wondering what to write about today, I was going to start a serious subject matter, but somebody wants to play blocks.  So I've stolen these questions from this blog.  I'm supposed to answer them and that post more questions back to you, but I've only got a moment so here it goes.


Questions for you to answer:
1. What is something you are working on to better in yourself?  Patients
2. Favourite book? I'm terrible with book titles... Oh, it's called I Will Carry You, The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy by Angie Smith
3. What is your dream holiday/destination?  hmm... I'd love to see the pyramids
4. If you could write a "Dear 16 year old me" letter, what is one thing you would say?  Don't worry that you "don't fit in" with the rest of the crowd.  In the end, you will come out a beautiful, strong woman with passion for God and family.  That's all that matters, swim against the tide.
5. If you could add $100 more dollars to your budget, where would it go?  giving back more
6. What is your least favorite time of day?  right now, bedtime routine
7. What is your favorite blog?  Oh no!  This is a hard one.  I actually have to say Jen's http://girlontheprairies.blogspot.com/ because she's done the hard stuff too.  I just feel like I have learnt so much from her.  Her journey has prepared me for mine.  I am so glad that I started reading Jen's blog, I would have been so lost, I felt like I had someone to draw from when we lost Mackenzie.  She made/makes me feel that my grief is natural, and not overdone.
8. What is one thing you are good at?  being a mommy.  It is such a learning experience, but I do the best I can, I believe I'm a good mom to both my girls.
9. And something you are bad at?  organization
10. If you could relive a year over again, what year would that be?  The year Anna was born.  I really feel like I missed a lot.
11. What are your plans for the rest of the day?  Well, I was going to write "finish making suppe"r... as soon as I thought of supper I realized I left my white sauce cooking on the stove.. so now I'll be remaking supper, peeling patotoes, doing dishes, giving Anna a bath, reading and singing songs, getting Anna to bed, shower and finally relax!

Have a great weekend.  And because I have to go make supper, go ahead steal Jen's questions and post your answers!

Thankful Thursday - Mackenzie's Song

"If I Die Young"

I am so thankful for this song.  I have talked about it before I'm sure... I had heard it many times prior to Mackenzie's birth, a really catchy tune, but never had I payed attention to the lyrics.  This is the song that came on the radio after I left the hospital where Kim's baby girl, Ally, was born.  That was such a joyful, sad day for me.  The birth of a cousin, exactly 2 months after the still birth of my little angel.  I cried that day in a way that I have never cried before.  It was a different weeping then I did at Mackenzie's funeral.  Different from the tears I shed when I first heard that radiologist say, "I'm sorry to have to tell you...".  A different breakdown then what I had in "Once Upon a Child" when I picked out Mackenzie's one and only dress.

When I went to see Kim in the hospital, I knew I walking into a room where there was a very new and preciously loved and wanted little girl.  Kim and I shared every detail of our girls' lives prior to their births.  Our tummies were growing together...  I knew walking into this room would change my life in a way.  I can remember when I found the room with the right number on the door.  Do I turn around and run?  Do I go in?  What do I say?  How do I hold her baby?  Can I handle this?  I need to do this... Lord, hold me...  I knocked on the door, and a sweet voice answered, "Come on in!" 

I walked in, looked at Kim holding her infant daughter, who she fought so hard for.  She was beaming!  She radiated joy.  Kim was the complete opposite of what I was 2 months earlier...

I just burst into tears... sitting down beside her, I looked into the face of a miracle.  Kim and I sat, and we both wept.  I think we both wept for the same reasons.  The loss of my Mackenzie, the joy for her Ally, what would have bin a kinship between 2 cousins, the loss of the memories we were going to make with our babies.  Kim cried for me, and I cried for her.  I held baby Ally... Kim told me that day that she really felt that Mackenzie was Ally's angel, watching out for her.  Ally was born early, and Kim later found out, just how lucky they were...  but she really believes that Mackenzie was there protecting her cousin.

I left that hospital in tears.  I can't even explain those emotions, they're big.  They are inconceivable.  They are your worst nightmare.  They haunt you, stalk you in the silence of the day, beat you down into the depth of despair.  Those emotions are like the flood that God sent on the world to drown out all the evil and pain created.  In the end, those emotions saved me.  Those emotions kept me aware.  Aware that I was still alive, aware that I was still breathing.  You wouldn't feel that pain if the breathe was sucked out of you.

Today, I feel like Noah.  Noah sent the dove from the ark to see if there was dry land.  The dove came back with a branch in it's mouth.  Today I imagine that this is how Noah felt when he saw that dove come back with the green branch of life.  I can see the promise God sent the world, promising to never flood the world again.  I can see that rainbow.  I feel that HOPE.

Wow, have I gotten off track... funny how that works.  The song that I am so thankful for is "If I Die Young" by the Band Perry.  When I heard it as I drove away from that hospital I really heard the words for the first time, and I cried even more intensely, cause this is what I heard...

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh, uh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh well
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger,
I've never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holdin' my hand,
There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well,
I've had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (oh, uh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save 'em for a time when you're really gonna need 'em, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls

• So many things about this song reflect Mackenzie in my eyes.  She was "buried in satin", the bouquet on her casket was filled with "roses", we sent her away with the words of "Jesus Loves Me".

• "Lord make me a rainbow..." that whole verse, need I say more?

• Mackenzie did have "just enough time" to change our lives forever, to teach us... what we needed to know, about ourselves, love, and most of all faith in God.

• And maybe Mackenzie's "thoughts" are coming out here...  cause now I'm "really listening".

• She was "wearing white" and we have faith that she went to into "His Kingdom".  The reference to green and a ring... well Jeff bought me an emerald and diamond ring in Mackenzie's memory a week after she was born.

• Her daddy did "put on his best", she wasn't wearing "pearls" but her grandparents did lay her to rest with a beautiful necklace.

• I guess you could say we try to "save our tears".  And we really did use them when Jeff's cousin was tragically killed.

This song will always have such special meaning to me.  I haven't heard it in a while, have you?  Tell me what you thought of it.



Wordless Wednesday _ Christmas Randomness

Santa came to our house

excited to see Santa!

Anna glitter glue fingers

Nap time! 

Christmas Eve @ Grandma and Grandpa Lukan's

The Night Before Christmas Tradition

The Angel Tradition (Anna's great great grandfather Henry Lukan

purchased this angel for the church many years ago.  You put

coins in her pouch and she nods her head.  I did this as a little girl too.)

Crafting with mom

Building Great Grandma Lukan a castle

ICE CREAM!!!

Playing shuffle board

Little Cow Girl

Much to the contentment of my Grandmother (who was a barrel races in her younger years), Anna's Grandpa (Jeff's dad) is going to make her a little cow girl.  She loves going to grandpa and grandma's.  She is always on the lookout for her favourite horse "Big Fellow".  She has already rode bare back in the farm yard with the help of her grandparents.  They have the cutest little child's saddle too! 

I can't remember how old she was when she took her first ride with Grandpa, probably a couple months or more.  She loves going to jack pots to watch Grandpa in action.  The best part is when he comes to the grandstand and reaches his arms out for her.  Off she goes a riddin'.  I've warned grandpa that if she wants to be a barrel racer he will have to sponsor her... she'll need a horse, a trailer, a truck, cute outfits, boots, hats etc.  Talk about an expensive sport!  She already has a horse specialist, as her Godmother, my sister in law, Janelle, is a equestrian massage therapist.  But for now...

She'll enjoy riding Buckaroo... supplied by her other grandpa and grandma as a Christmas gift.  My mom phoned Jeff's dad told him she bought the starter horse, he has to buy the real thing.

Perfect Wings

So you read my  Friday Night Leftovers.  I was in a pit of turmoil about Mackenzie needing a stocking.

We went shopping on Saturday.  I hit the deals big time!!!  I love a good deal.  SStore had all their Christmas beauty on sale for 90% OFF!!!!  So I got wrapping paper, pine cones, Christmas balls, 104 Christmas cards, 4 wicker baskets, and 11 (yes I said ELEVEN!) rolls of wrapping paper for $12.00!  Original price $120.00.  I love a deal.

This post is not about my deal, I just had to share cause it's so exciting! 

We also went to Walmart.  I was looking at laptops, I need a new PC cause this dino is just not cutting it.  I would blog more if I could load pictures quicker and it didn't take FOREVER!  Anyway, Anna was starting to fall asleep, so I carried her through the store on my search to find the left over Christmas glory.  I was hunting down the perfect stocking for our angel. 

And there it was, a perfectly beautiful stocking, like angel wings...

I love it!  Feathers just like perfect wings.

A special certain someone (I won't call you out), asked me why I would want a stocking for a child who is not going to be there Christmas morning, and what would I put in it?  I will put Mackenzie's "Remembrance" Hallmark ornament in her stocking every year, and Anna will open it, hang it on the tree, and we will tell her about her sister. 

Mackenzie is part of my life, she always will be with her perfect wings.

Oh, and we had a Mackenzie rainbow yesterday.  The three of us were playing outside.  When we came in I was getting Anna undressed, and there right in front of me the sunlight cast a small little rainbow on the basement floor.  I told Anna, "look there's our rainbow!"  "Rainbow!" she responded.  She bent over to try and pick it up.  As she did so, she blocked the sunlight and the rainbow disappeared for a moment.  She was a little sad, then she stepped back, "My rainbow back!"

You may think I'm crazy, but I know Mackenzie was right there with us - just out of reach.

Friday Night Leftovers

I stole this title from a friend, because this is a left over I need to get off my chest...

A friend of mine, posted here on her December 24, 2011 post, about missing her son Brennan on Christmas.  Brennan is the heavenly baby I wrote about here, which was one of most popular posts.  Anyway, back to Brennan's mommy... she wrote about how they remembered baby Brennan at Christmas.  When she mentioned that Baby Brennan had a stocking, my heart sank.  I didn't buy Mackenzie a stocking, I didn't even think about it.  I mean we did our "own thing" and started a tradition, but what kind of parent doesn't buy their baby a stocking when everyone else in the family has one?

We didn't use our stockings this year since we were at mom and dad's on Christmas day, but they were still hanging.  There should have been four hanging there.  We do have a tradition that Jeff and I started a couple years into our relationship.  We buy Hallmark ornaments for one another.  We did buy Mackenzie one, but I wish I would have put it in her stocking...

We also took Mackenzie a Christmas tree.  Brennan's mommy took a picture of his bear in front of the Christmas tree... I didn't even think of it.  Oh!  A little regret.  Maybe it's OK that we didn't do those things.  We can all do our remembrance differently, I know, I just wish I would have thought of it. 

I tucked away the last of the Christmas bling today, you know those random items that try to hide and our hoping to see a glimpse of summer fun?  Well, amongst those items were our stockings.  I think tomorrow when we're shopping I'm going to see if there is any Christmas decor left lurking around and snatch up a stocking, and tuck it away for Christmas's to come.

Well, if I press "POST" now, this will still make the Friday cut, and still qualify as a "Left Over"! 
Good night!  Have a great weekend.

AND GO!!!

Time is a ticking, gotta write fast!  OK, so my New Years post was supposed to be about this... (but when I sat down this came out.)

So here is what I was going to tell you almost a week ago.

I went back to work today!  Yep, after about 11 weeks off, I knew this time that I was ready.  Something just "clicked" before Christmas.  Could it have been that 2 1/2 hour counselling session?  Maybe.  Could it have been that everything went well at my family Christmas Jeff and I hosted the weekend prior to Christmas?  Maybe.  Could it have been the realization that I've been unknowingly been dealing with anxiety for a longtime and now with the right help I feel so much better?  Maybe.  Could it have been a close friend gently reminding me that I should consider going back if we are thinking of having another baby because I need to collect 600 working hours in the last 52 weeks prior to qualifying for maternity leave.  Maybe.  Could it have been a combination of all these things.  Most likely they were all a big factor.

I think, for me, a big part of it was just getting there.  I don't know what or where there is, but I guess I found it.  I just feel like I'm in a good spot right now.  I've actually been telling people that i feel better now then i have in years.  Yes, I most likely suffered from postpartum depression after having Anna.  But how was I supposed to know?  I was a first time mom,  I thought cranky, moody, tired, no motivation, and not wanting to see people or leave the house was normal...  If you are a new mom or a second time mom, don't be afraid to talk to your doctor and ask questions.

I don't feel so edgy anymore.  If you don't believe me, ask my husband.  I am no longer a train wreck waiting to explode cause it's leaking some hazardous chemical.  I am a mom, I am a wife, I am a daughter, I am friend, I am an auntie, I am a coworker...  I honestly couldn't have said that even a month ago.  I just didn't know where I was, and i definitely wasn't there!

They say after you have suffered a traumatic loss, you never go back to the "old" you.  That's true.  I also read that only you have the opportunity to make the "new" you better then the "old" you.  That kind of hit me.  I feel like I am a better version of myself after the year I've been through.  I survived THAT!  I pulled through with my family intact, with my marriage coming out stronger, and with love for my daughters that I can't even begin to explain.  I waded through the darkest hours that I believe any of us can go through.  Yes, there were days that I stepped a little to far, and almost drown.  But those days led a little closer to the days that brought the shallow water, when I could feel the sunlight on almost my entire body. 

You need to come thisclose in order to come out with a new vision.  A new vision of what's important in life.  A new vision for your family, and a new vision of yourself. 

I like the "new" me.  That new Tyann Catherine Erikssen includes being the mother of two daughters, one here on earth and one in God's arms in heaven.  This is the hardest type of mom to be - not being able to see that sweet face grow and change, not hearing her laughter and seeing her smile.  But I do have the "best of both worlds", I have an angel with me everyday that I get to sing to, laugh with, smile with, share life with, and I have an angel in heaven that will be waiting to greet her Mommy when God calls me home.

Well, my times up, gotta hit the hay by 9pm if you plan on getting up at 4:50 am.

Bring on the New Year and New Beginnings!

I have never been more excited to say "goodbye" to a year as I was last night.  I'm done with 2011.  A year full of emotion, love, loss, smiles and tears.  To me 2012 means a whole new beginning.  I have not taken any of that "bad stuff" with me into 2012.  I am not saying I have left those memories behind, but am going to only take the positive out of the hard times.

We lost Jeff's Grandma Mary last January.  From her I learnt that a little bit of tradition is fun and just having family around gives you strength.

Our precious little Mackenzie Mary was born in to the arms of God May 21, 2011.  From my little girl's short life, only lived inside my womb, I have learnt so much.  I've learnt about love, God, the power of prayer, the grace of the Holy Spirit, the comfort of Jesus, the love of family, friends and neighbors.  Mackenzie taught me so much about myself, my marriage, my husband, her sister Anna, how to really be a mom, and one of the hardest lessons - how to ask for help.

How is it that a life so timid and quiet could make such an impact?  Is it because I listen to her?  Because I've let her lead me to be the person I am meant to be?  I guess I won't know, until I meet her again.  Some people say we leave this earth when we have fulfilled out life's purpose... my little angel's purpose must have been to show us what is important in life.  I don't want to be remembered for the car I drive, the house I live in, or even the clothes I wear.  I don't care how much money we have or any of that stuff.  Mackenzie's precious life proved to me that none of that stuff would have changed anything.  Would God have decided to change the path of her life because we could bring her home to a castle?  I really doubt it. 

Mackenzie you saved me.  You saved me from myself in so many ways.  You made me and daddy stronger.  Stronger in our marriage, stronger in our faith, stronger as parents.  Thank you!

We had a third tragic loss in 2011.  Jeff's cousin, as close to a brother he'd ever have, was sent to God so unexpectedly.  Some would say this could have been our "breaking point", and believe me, many days it did feel that way.  What Jim really taught us was to "Always make good choices".  NEVER NEVER leave each other before reconciling over what ever we may have been disagreeing over.  Life is to short.  Jim and his beautiful wife have taught us to live life to the fullest, everyday is a gift.  LOVE LOVE LOVE!  Jim and his bride of over 20 years are so in love.  I can still see it in her eyes.

It was with this third tragic loss that we actually were able to talk about Mackenzie.  Not that we never did, but actually talk about her in a deeper way.  On the way home from Jim's memorial we talked about how we both pictured Jim, who loved kids, bouncing our little girl on his knee, her giggling with delight.

So, it is hard to believe that it's been a year.  It'll be a year this week, that I went for my ultra sound...  Much of the past year is a blur to me.  I know there is so much that is lost in the fog.  Maybe that's God's way of protecting me from the memories of some really dark times.  The events that I do recall more vividly are happy days.

I pray that 2012 is a year full of bright colours, beautiful memories and new beginnings.

Happy New Year everyone!