Dear Mackenzie

Dear Mackenzie,

Hi baby girl.  I don't know what to say in this letter or where it's going.  Mommy misses you sweetheart.  You would have been ten months old today.  Today is also Uncle Joey's birthday and a whole handful of cousins' birthdays too. 

I see baby's your age and I wonder what you would have been like if you were down here with us.  Anna had started to try to walk at 10 months, what about Mackenzie?  Would you be a giggly, happy little girl, or a little more tempered like your big sister?  I know you would look like your daddy.  People always comment to me how much big sister Anna looks like mommy.  I don't like that.  It makes me think of how much you looked like daddy when you were born, but people never see that.  I wish they could.  I want them to know you were fair like him and so pretty.

Truth is baby, that mommy is crying.  I knew today was the 21st of the month, but I have been so caught up in uncle Joey's snowmobile race that I forgot to whisper Happy 10 Months to you.  But don't you worry, Grandma remembered and is praying that you're with uncle Joey and cousin Robert, watching over them and keeping them safe.

A close friend of ours had a sweet little baby girl yesterday.  Mackenzie, I think you two little girls would have been good friends.  I am so happy for her family.  It also makes me feel sad.  Sad for what I lost...  Yet, I am over the moon happy for my close friends and family when they bring a little one into this world safe and sound.

Mackenzie, Mommy painted your and Anna's, well... Anna's room, pink.  I wasn't going to.  I was going to paint it a neutral color... "just in case".  But no!  Anna is the baby I get to hold each day, that I have in my arms everyday.  Maybe she will be the only baby I ever have here on earth.  Why live for the "what ifs" of the future?  Anna's room is a soft pink.  I called Grandma when I was all done, and told her it is so beautiful.  Like fairies or angels live there.  I hope there is an angel that visits there every so often.

Mommy's been having some hard days again.  I would have bet any one that I would be pregnant by this time, 10 months after your birth to heaven.  I guess it's hard for me not knowing what the future holds.  I guess, like your one aunty told me,  "Be still."  I need to slow my mind down and be still, let my heart be open to what God has for me.  I need to trust in Him to guide me in the right direction.  I don't have control.  God has a plan for me... Just be still.

Well my girl, I hope you're having so much fun up there in Heaven.  I bet that Jacob, Brennan and Thomas are chasing you!  And maybe your cousin Dustin is watching or trying to protect you!  I hope you've found the other babies we know, who God called to heaven, sooner then their parents wanted...  I hope you are all together. 

I wonder what it's like?

Hugs and Kisses,
Mommy

Cain's Quest

Just a short blurp tonite!  I should be in bed, but I am feverishly tracking my little brother and cousin.  Joey and Robert are in Labrador and northern Quebec doing a 2800km skidoo endurance race.  Yes, the prairie boys DROVE all the way there... and are racing almost non stop.

Joey, Eric (who helped with the driving) and Robert

Check out the Cain's Quest Website and you can track them.  Just hit the tracking button and go from there.  Our prairie boys are team 67! 

Cheer our boys on and send them some prayers!

Best of luck Joey and Robert, have fun!

Shades of pink...

I've been thinking of you...  my loyal readers.  I've "out" for a bit.  I have had some computer problems, and life just hasn't given the chance to compose my thoughts enough to write.

I'm frustrated... mostly with my body.  We seem to hit every wall possible when it comes to adding to our family.  Should I be surprised?  I guess not.  Should I be worried?  I guess not.  It's all out of my control.  I hate not knowing what's going on, cause I'm a bit of a control freak...  but God knows, He has a plan, He is in control.  I was reminded of that yesterday by someone close to me... and then I realised that I haven't been trusting Him lately.

It's hard for me to "throw caution to the wind", and just let go of everything.  I really struggle with that.  I'm trying to just let life happen... cause in the end it doesn't matter what I want, cause I don't have control.

Well, that's not what I set out to tell you about, well I guess in a way.  But what I was going to say is, I'm painting Anna's room.  "Yah, big deal!"  you say.  To me it is.  It's been a nice green shade that I developed on my own when i was working in a hardware store mixing paint.  I was fooling around with a mistint and got a beautiful, one of a kind shade of green.  So, I used it in our then "spare room", knowing it would be a great color for a baby's room one day.  I was thinking of repainting it over a year ago, but figured i would wait til "the new baby" baby came.  There's where that "I have no control" thing comes in again.  I would have repainted for Anna and Mackenzie a girly color.  Had we had a boy to bring home i would have repainted in a neutral color. 

I've been back to that hardware store, where i used to work, about 100 times trying to find the perfect color.  I was going neutral cause "what if we have another baby someday... and it's a boy."  I told Kim today that I really wanted pink, she said "Go for it!"  I figured, why not???  maybe I can just jinx myself into getting pregnant by painting her room...  LOL!

So we're going to use a shade of pink called, Ballerina.  It's very soft.  I hope Anna loves it.  I'm glad Kim urged me to go pink.  Anna is the child God gave me here on earth, and she should get a girly room, cause i don't have control over the future, and therefore have no idea if/when we may need to spend another $30 on a can of neutral paint.

So yes, I saw Kim today!  I took over all of Anna's 9-18 months clothes.  Kim put little Ally in a little outfit I bought over.  She looked so darn cute, Ally brought tears to my eyes.  I couldn't help but hold her tight against my heart and cuddle her.  Looking at Ally, I feel like I'm seeing just a tiny piece of my angel.  Kim asked me later, if it was a hard day, seeing Ally in Anna' clothes,,, that I could have put Mackenzie in.   It was, but it wasn't.  I don't know how to explain that.  I told Kim, I see Ally and think of our angel in heaven, but Ally is our little angel here, on earth.  I feel like I see just a little sparkle in Ally's eyes that glimmers just for me, a little piece of her guardian angel, Mackenzie.

These have been hard days again.  I can't really pinpoint everything, but I think the unknown circumstances within my own body, are the bricks that seem to be falling off the wall.  I feel like that wall was getting stronger and stronger, but with one small blow after another, the wall is faltering again. 

Lord, you are my shepherd.  I shall not want.

You make me to lie down in green pastures.

You lead me beside the still waters.

Psalm 23:1-2

Wordless Wednesday - A Little Sunshine

We just had Anna's pictures taken for her 3rd birthday.  Here's a little sneak preview.

 All pictures were taken by the wonderful Ashley Flaade at Vivid Photography!  If you are ever in the area or live out here, go see her for some great photos!