I cry...

I cry...  I cried today, actually.  I think I have cried more this month then any other.  Why?  I'm not sure.  I know a friend, who has experienced this same loss, said that the change of seasons is hard for her... I never understood that until now.  This is our first major change of season since Mackenzie was born.  Yah, we went from spring to summer earlier this year but that's not as "big".  This getting cold, everything looks... well, dead...

I talkd to a dear cousin on Thanksgiving (that was a good chat, thank you!)  She explained it to me.  She said (something along the line of...) "Tyann, it's because the change of seasons shows you how much time has passed."  Wow, she summed it up for me.  That's exactly it.  Time, it's passing. 

Today is Halloween.  I've never been a fan.  Anna won't put on her costume, and I'm not making her.  We're doing our own thing.  Around noon we went out and planted the tulip bulbs we received at Walk to Remember.  Why was this so hard for me?  It was awful.  Symbolically aweful.  Digging that little hole, putting that little bulb in the earth, and then covering it up.  UGH!  I couldn't handle it.  I couldn't help compare it to what we did back on May25...

Anna already to go

Anna digging

Ready to plant her tulip

Planting my tulip

Anna covering them back up

I cried.  Uncontrolably.  Because for to long I've had my tears hidden in a little hole.  Reading that other blog last night made me realize something.  To bad for you if you don't want to see me upset.  I'm done holding it together to make eveyone else comfortable.  The best times I've had this past season were when I felt I could really let loose and cry.  It just wasn't often enough.  They happened; at my kitchen table, late at night with a great friend... on a very hot Saturday afternoon, on my deck, with another remarkable friend,  on the way home, in my Jeep, from an awesome mommy day with yet another amazing friend.  Those moments were just some of the "highlights" in my grief.

I cried.  I feel like I'm "nesting".  Why?  I have no idea.  I cleaned out Anna's room.  Making room... for what?  I don't really know.  I've been dejunctifying our house since I've been off work.  I feel like there's no room.  No room for what?  Grief, I guess.  I feel like we've been kept to busy to grieve.  So now, everyday, I relive this loss over and over again.  I slowly make room for "her" in my home.  I need grief.  (ok so now you wonder if I'm really going to loose it...)  I need grief to come into my home, and take up space for this time.  I need to visit with her.  No, I need to live with her... I need grief to be in my life now, I need her to stay a while.  I need that time with this grief, if I don't have this awful acquaintance as a part of my life today, she will haunt me for the rest of my life.  By taking her in today, and visiting with her, I'm hoping that she'll visit a little less in the future.  Maybe with each visit, the time she spends with me won't be so aweful.

From "Here"

Well, I guess that last post took a lot out of me.  I really felt like I had made a big "break through".  I have discovered in the last week and a half that one break through leads only to another bigger mountain to climb.  This post is not going to be well composed or thought out just "here".

So "here" I am.  I've made some changes since you last heard from me.  I had a huge meltdown a week ago.  I had to call my Kimmy at a late hour.  I had actually texted another awesome friend to see if she was up and I heard my phone buzz with a response and it was from Kimmy, out of the blue.  I guess God knew I needed her.

Kim, I love you dearly, like a sister, I know we've been through a lot.  We were expecting together.  Our daughters being cousins, and your sweet precious angel being born 2 months to the day of Mackenzie's birth.  I admit sometimes it's hard for me, but to be able to see the joy that your daughter has brought to your family brings tears to my eyes (I can barely see the screen).  I know that Mackenzie has a special place in your hearts, as Ally's angel.  God amazed us when you brought sweet Ally home for the first time and you saw that rainbow in the sky as you drove...  she's watching over her cousin. 

Back to my meltdown... Kim just listened.  I struggle with the wanting to have another baby... I finally broke and told Kim that I never planned on having anymore children (she already knew that), and that I just want Mackenzie back.  I think God is trying to tell me to quit planning... and just live...I don't know how to just live.  How do I live with my heart in two places? Heaven and "here"? I told Kim that I was going to ask the next morning at work if there would be a way for me to take more time off.

So surprise!  I've taken some more time off.  I knew going back after only 8 short weeks was not enough... but what can I say?  When I walked into the HR office, I explained that it was very hard for me to step in her office and ask for time off.  It's like an alcoholic admitting they have a problem.  So I admitted it, I have a problem...  it's to much.  My problem, my heart is broken.  Broken into pieces,  parts are "here" parts are in Heaven.  So I made the first big step. 

The second step was to ask about counseling services through my work place.  That was quick, got an appointment for next week!!  I'm excited!  I think these are the steps to recovering my life and the pieces of my broken heart.  Grief changes who you are.  You never go back to that "other Tyann", but maybe I can reclaim most of her and the pieces that don't return, well they are for Mackenzie, those are the pieces of my heart that she has in Heaven.  When my name is called to that glorious place, that is when I'll reclaim those fragile pieces of my heart - and that's ok.  Baby needs them, I need her to need them.  Cause that's all I can give her from "here".

Guilt

This first part is a little THANKYOU for my mom.  Then we'll get to the subject at hand.  Mom, thanks for spending the day with Anna so I could have some "shut down" time.  I really needed that recharge.  Thankyou for being such a great listener, friend, grandma, and most of all YOU, my mom.  You were a huge help this weekend and we all appreciated you.

Now, the subject of guilt.  I told Jeff, not long after having Mackenzie, that I would have felt extremely guilty if we would have had a son.  Not that a daughter was any less then a son, but because I really would have blamed myself for "loosing" his son.  In my eyes, every man wants a son.  Truth betold - I felt guilty all the time.  I felt, I lost our little girl, my body didn't carry her to a healthy birth...

I said I "felt" guilty.  And I did, for 4 months, 3 weeks, 4 days and about 16 hours, feel guilty.  I thought I was being punished for my sin, I would look back and think of all the sin in my life and figured God was perhaps punishing me.

Well, last night I was doing my daily devotional (a book my mom lent to me January 1, that I haven't followed all year, but I've got back into).  Anyway, yesterdays devotion was John 9:1-11 (hit that link so you can read it yourself).  The part that really hit me was verse 3... "“It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him." 

I wish I could copy and paste the study guide notes from my Bible onto this page, because these notes made me realize that Mackenzie's death wasn't my fault.  I know, you've all told me that, but in my shoes, where I stand, I can't help but faulter down that path.  Now I get it.  I encourage you, especially if you have a "Life Application Study Bible" to go to John, and read that whole story.  Then read the study notes.  It may just wash a new understanding over you, like it did for me.

In the notes it talks about how the blind man was not punished by God for some great sin.  Christ used this man's suffering to teach faith and to glorify God.  Just so you know, incase you don't go read it for yourself, Christ healed the man of his blindness...  The notes go on to say that good is not always rewarded, bad not always punished.  It that case, we would only follow God for our convenience;  sometimes innocent people do suffer, therefore they, the people, will follow the Lord out of love and devotion not our of comfort and convenience.  It also stated, that even when we suffer, Jesus has the power to help us deal.  When you suffer from disesase, tragedy or loss, don't ask "why me?" or "what did I do wrong?"  Ask God to give you the strength to go on, and to see the perspective.

That was HUGE for me to read these verses and study notes...  I remember the ride up to the city for that fateful ultrasound, praying "God, be with me, help me handle whatever it is that may be."  I prayed this over and over... on the way up, as I dropped Anna off with a stranger, as I walked into that clinic, as I lay on that cold table, in that so silent room, as that strange lady poked at my swollen belly.  I prayed when the doctor came in and repeated the process, as I waited those ten long minutes to hear, "I'm sorry... we have to tell you... there is no heart beat...no signs of life." 

God was with me.  WITH ME!  He noded my head when I felt paralized, he opened my mouth, and spoke the words, "I understand...", when I was mute,  He held my hand as I waited, with a dear friend, for my loving husband to arrive.  God gave me the grace to tell my husband, that our beloved child was gone, that no one knew why...  God was with me.  He did answer my prayers.  I don't know why I didn't pray "please let this child live".  Was it cause I knew?  Was it cause it was a selfish prayer?  Was it because I may have been very angry with Him that He didn't answer that selfish prayer? 

So today I woke up, with yet another weight lifted from my heart.  I actually know now, for certain, that Mackenzie's being born into the arms of God, was not my fault.  I honestly could not say that without a feeling of doubt until today.  Even though the doctors told me it wasn't, even though my husband told me, my family, my ministers, my friends... I needed to hear it (ok I read it) from God himself. 

                                Tyann, it wasn't your fault.

Thank you mom, for lending me this book.  I am not sure how you knew 10 months ago that I was the one who needed it this year, but I did.  I can remember you contemplating lending it to someone else, and my pleading that I would really like to give it a whirl.  I'm not done with it.   I missed sections.  I still need it. 

A friend asked last week, if anyone knew of a good Women's Devotional, well here it is:

Try it, it could just change your life.

Permanance...

Well, it's time.  Time to put everlasting words on a marker for our little angel.  This is a huge commitment.  A commitment for a life time of forevers.  This stone will mark Mackenzie's resting place forever more.  It will be a monument we visit many, many times.  We have to know what we want, and love it.  It can't be taken back or exchanged it is PERMANENT.  This is permanent.  This is a huge marker in our lives.  It puts and eternity on her life.  That for eternity she will be peaceful with her Father in Heaven. 

A year ago I was dreaming of what this little gift would be.  I was about 7 weeks.  All that new excitement.  I had a little secret.  I dreamt of who was growing in my womb, what he/she would be like in a years time.  Of my family of four... 

Today, I had a mommy day.  I went to the spa with my bestie,  I released.  I had time to think.  I got to turn off.  (Thankyou to my mom for watching Anna so I truely could be worry free.)  I prepared myself for tomorrow;  the day I would put permanence, to one more big step in a journey through grief.  This isn't a regular shopping trip.  How do you say "yes" to the memorial marker for your child?  I still don't want to admit she's gone...   This will be admitting it to myself again.  Never, as a parent, does everyone ever want to think that the most important and expensive item they will buy for their new born is a memorial marker.  How do you do that?  I guess I will find out in about 15 hours...  

So much thought has to go into this marker.  Is has to be perfect for her...  It must honour her, and represent what she means to us...  be how we have grown to feel her presence...  Will it be enough?

Wordless Wednesday - Week in Rewind

Thankful

I am thankful.  I've been struggling lately.  (Note the lack of blog posts...)  I can not pin point why I struggle.  A friend wrote on her blog that change of seasons is hard, I guess I "get that" now.  Why does the change of season bring my grief so close to the edge again? 

I know my heart is thankful, at the same time it's hard to understand how one can be so thankful when you hurt so bad.  I make that choice, to remind myself, that although it feels like I have lost so much, God has provided for me this year.  He has provided so much more then I ever knew I needed.  He has made me realize what is important in this life.  It's not that new house we wanted to build, it's that we are together, we have each other.  I would give up this humble home, for a cardboard box, to spend even just one minute with Mackenzie's breath, warm against my neck as she sleeps nuzzled safe in my arms. 

I don't like writing this post, it's poorly written and probably hard to read, because my thoughts are all over.  My struggles are with the grattitude I have for God; for the leasons I have learned this year.  The lessons I have learned the hard way, but the changes these lessons have brought to my life are astounding.  I pray to be a better pupil in this year.  I know I have a lot to learn...

I am going to try and start this week off on a good note, so here is what I am thankful for:

• God, with out Him, I know this season of life would be unbearable and with Him next to me, I know I can conquer anything. 
• my husband, it takes one special man to understand me, and not walk away
• my daughters, I remind myself that I am a lucky momma.  I do have the best of both worlds; my Anna here with me, and my Mackenzie watching over me
• my parents and Jeff's parents, they've helped shape who we are
• our siblings and nieces and nephews, we never get to see them often enough, but when we do it's a blast
• our friends and extended family, I have a handful of great friends that have really been "here" for me.  They listen to my broken record... and our family, who, when you're just gonna loose it, have a little surprise for you, just waiting in your mailbox.

I am thankful for the innocence of little children, the quiet joy they breathe into your life...

 if you just stop and listen.

Not so Wordless Wednesday

Sorry, I can't have wordless Wednesday,  how about "Wordful Wednesday" today? 

Today, a dear friend summed up my feelings about Monday's blog post.  About how I was feeling guilty, feeling like I am not giving Anna enough "head space".  She reminded me, that if Mackenzie was here, she would be getting a lot of my time, and that Anna would have to share my time.  If Mackenzie was here, she would naturally need a lot of one on one with mommy.  This sweet friend assured me that it is o.k. if Mackenzie is taking a lot of my time right now, because even though she is in Heaven with Jesus, she needs my time right now, I need her time, it's part of the process.  She shared how her own daughter is challenged with her little ones, including a new born, and how her daughter had the same feelings, that she wasn't giving the older children enough time.  I am the mother of two children, it is o.k. that they share my time.  Thank you for helping me understand my feelings.  You are a wonderful woman, you know who you are.

Yesterday, another friend shared a story of grief with me.  A different type of grief, but still painfull, full of raw emotion and struggle.  Thank you for sharing that the pain doesn't have to go away, it's not supposed to, and you are allowed to have those moments of desparation, even after years.  I'm human, I'm going to be o.k.

These woman have reassured me that this blog is helping me.  I've opened this pain up, shared it, and your responses have helped me so much.  Thankyou.

I guess this should have been "Thankful Thursday", but it couldn't wait.

A little bit of Sunshine

I sometimes feel that Anna doesn't get enought "time".  Yes, she is with me everyday.  But I feel like I'm not always here.  I feel guilty that I don't give her the same "headspace" I sometimes give Mackenzie.  Does that make sense?  Is it supposed to?  Anna, mommy's heart is broken, but with time and your innocent love it is healing.  Thank you sweetheart for your patients, your love, your sunshine.

The Sunshine in the clouds at Walk to Remember...

 getting tickets for the LRT

cupcakes!

A Walk to Remember

We went to our first Walk to Remember yesterday.  It is held every year at the Alberta Legislature grounds, for babies and little ones whom have passed away.

 It was so amazing. hard. emotional. draining. awesome. 

We took the LRT.  Fun!

Our teddy bears.

Writing our message for the story line.

Hanging up the message.

Messages for our balloons

I wrote on Friday, that we would be watching for a sign that our Mackenzie was with us and I was looking for it.  Well, we were to "adult" to see it.  But don't worry, big sister Anna found her little sister.  She saw this balloon archway that everyone walks through to start the walk... and she knew what it was...

"Anna's Rainbow from Mackenzie Heaven", is what she proclaimed! 

Thankyou Anna, momma would have missed it!

On the walk.

As I watched for my angels name I thought, "If mommy were to have written her name,

it would be in big block purple letters..."  and it was...

We found our dear friends' little boy.

Our balloons.

Getting ready to let our balloons fly!

"It's Ok Anna, we are sending your balloons to Heaven for Mackenzie."

"Ok, Momma..."

Letting go...

I can't explain how I felt when I heard her name, "Mackenzie Mary Erikssen". 

It sent a shiver down my spine, my heart skipped a beat.  I didn't want to let go again...  I wasn't ready to see those balloons leave my grip.

Waiting for Brennan's name

Away he goes!

And as the last baby's name was called out, the rain gently began to fall... 

Jeff's mom summed it up, "Teardrops from Heaven."

It was beautiful. 

Were our babies saying, "Thankyou for my day, thankyou for loving me enough that you hurt so bad, that you cry so hard, that you're all here for me."  I believe they were...

To honour these little ones meant so much.  To see all the others who've felt what we've felt.  All the grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins.  There were to many people there... to many people who've hurt that bad.  I learnt that they still hurt that bad.  and that's ok.  That's the way it's supposed to be.  You're supposed to cry, you're supposed grieve, you're supposed to wonder, what would she be like today?

I will not forget.  Yes, it was a hard day.  It brought the rawness right back to the forfront of that wound.  Why?  you ask, would we put ourselves through this?  Because, we are parents, we would do ANYTHING for our children, on earth and in heaven.  It is our job.  We suffer the pain, so they don't have to.

As my beautiful sister-in-law, Janelle, wrote to me in an email this morning...

"I am just glad that our Mackenzie is with Jesus and never has to grieve."