From "Here"

Well, I guess that last post took a lot out of me.  I really felt like I had made a big "break through".  I have discovered in the last week and a half that one break through leads only to another bigger mountain to climb.  This post is not going to be well composed or thought out just "here".

So "here" I am.  I've made some changes since you last heard from me.  I had a huge meltdown a week ago.  I had to call my Kimmy at a late hour.  I had actually texted another awesome friend to see if she was up and I heard my phone buzz with a response and it was from Kimmy, out of the blue.  I guess God knew I needed her.

Kim, I love you dearly, like a sister, I know we've been through a lot.  We were expecting together.  Our daughters being cousins, and your sweet precious angel being born 2 months to the day of Mackenzie's birth.  I admit sometimes it's hard for me, but to be able to see the joy that your daughter has brought to your family brings tears to my eyes (I can barely see the screen).  I know that Mackenzie has a special place in your hearts, as Ally's angel.  God amazed us when you brought sweet Ally home for the first time and you saw that rainbow in the sky as you drove...  she's watching over her cousin. 

Back to my meltdown... Kim just listened.  I struggle with the wanting to have another baby... I finally broke and told Kim that I never planned on having anymore children (she already knew that), and that I just want Mackenzie back.  I think God is trying to tell me to quit planning... and just live...I don't know how to just live.  How do I live with my heart in two places? Heaven and "here"? I told Kim that I was going to ask the next morning at work if there would be a way for me to take more time off.

So surprise!  I've taken some more time off.  I knew going back after only 8 short weeks was not enough... but what can I say?  When I walked into the HR office, I explained that it was very hard for me to step in her office and ask for time off.  It's like an alcoholic admitting they have a problem.  So I admitted it, I have a problem...  it's to much.  My problem, my heart is broken.  Broken into pieces,  parts are "here" parts are in Heaven.  So I made the first big step. 

The second step was to ask about counseling services through my work place.  That was quick, got an appointment for next week!!  I'm excited!  I think these are the steps to recovering my life and the pieces of my broken heart.  Grief changes who you are.  You never go back to that "other Tyann", but maybe I can reclaim most of her and the pieces that don't return, well they are for Mackenzie, those are the pieces of my heart that she has in Heaven.  When my name is called to that glorious place, that is when I'll reclaim those fragile pieces of my heart - and that's ok.  Baby needs them, I need her to need them.  Cause that's all I can give her from "here".