I cry...

I cry...  I cried today, actually.  I think I have cried more this month then any other.  Why?  I'm not sure.  I know a friend, who has experienced this same loss, said that the change of seasons is hard for her... I never understood that until now.  This is our first major change of season since Mackenzie was born.  Yah, we went from spring to summer earlier this year but that's not as "big".  This getting cold, everything looks... well, dead...

I talkd to a dear cousin on Thanksgiving (that was a good chat, thank you!)  She explained it to me.  She said (something along the line of...) "Tyann, it's because the change of seasons shows you how much time has passed."  Wow, she summed it up for me.  That's exactly it.  Time, it's passing. 

Today is Halloween.  I've never been a fan.  Anna won't put on her costume, and I'm not making her.  We're doing our own thing.  Around noon we went out and planted the tulip bulbs we received at Walk to Remember.  Why was this so hard for me?  It was awful.  Symbolically aweful.  Digging that little hole, putting that little bulb in the earth, and then covering it up.  UGH!  I couldn't handle it.  I couldn't help compare it to what we did back on May25...

Anna already to go

Anna digging

Ready to plant her tulip

Planting my tulip

Anna covering them back up

I cried.  Uncontrolably.  Because for to long I've had my tears hidden in a little hole.  Reading that other blog last night made me realize something.  To bad for you if you don't want to see me upset.  I'm done holding it together to make eveyone else comfortable.  The best times I've had this past season were when I felt I could really let loose and cry.  It just wasn't often enough.  They happened; at my kitchen table, late at night with a great friend... on a very hot Saturday afternoon, on my deck, with another remarkable friend,  on the way home, in my Jeep, from an awesome mommy day with yet another amazing friend.  Those moments were just some of the "highlights" in my grief.

I cried.  I feel like I'm "nesting".  Why?  I have no idea.  I cleaned out Anna's room.  Making room... for what?  I don't really know.  I've been dejunctifying our house since I've been off work.  I feel like there's no room.  No room for what?  Grief, I guess.  I feel like we've been kept to busy to grieve.  So now, everyday, I relive this loss over and over again.  I slowly make room for "her" in my home.  I need grief.  (ok so now you wonder if I'm really going to loose it...)  I need grief to come into my home, and take up space for this time.  I need to visit with her.  No, I need to live with her... I need grief to be in my life now, I need her to stay a while.  I need that time with this grief, if I don't have this awful acquaintance as a part of my life today, she will haunt me for the rest of my life.  By taking her in today, and visiting with her, I'm hoping that she'll visit a little less in the future.  Maybe with each visit, the time she spends with me won't be so aweful.