Whispers to Heaven and "Lost"

My dear readers, thank you for patiently waiting for me to write something.  I have been very lost as to what to write this last month or so.  Maybe because that's how grief works.  You think you've got all the fog cleared away, and even though you wandered so slowly and mindlessly in the fog for a long time, you think you have your foot on the right path and there it is... that fog closes in on you... again.

It could also be the change of seasons again.  I find some of the seasonal changes hard.  Maybe this one in particular because I really don't like being cold.  As I see the leaves falling to the ground, being swirled around together, I also see the days that have fallen behind me.  The days that have come and gone with out my precious daughter, days that I still question what could have went so tragically wrong to take my perfectly beautiful daughter from me, days that go by that I find no success with the treatment I'm on to try to conceive.  As these days get lost in the rustling of the leaves, as the wind swirls that fog in around me once more, I can't help but question the plan... I know I should not question it, for only He knows what is meant for my life...

I don't question my faith in God himself, nor am I saying I question Him in the way of anger.  I think I question more along the line of, what is the whole beauty of this journey of loss?  For what beautiful ending have I lost such a precious child?  I've heard to many times people say that God is making room for more in my life... but what is it??  Maybe I am questioning my faith?  I honestly don't know.  Am I??  Please, to my good Christian friends, many who have more biblical knowledge then myself, what is the answer??

I feel I am lost again... the emotions swirling high around me.  It's a year the end of this week, that I took a 2.5 month leave from work.  A year.  Those days fallen behind me, endlessly raked together in to heaps, only to be tossed around and muddled together by the wind.

God said, "Ask what I should give you."

1 Kings 3:5

 



Dear Mackenzie,

Hi sweetheart, it's flu season.  I had to get my shot at work today.  It was last year that a really sweet and lovely health nurse/coworker, took the time to really, sincerely ask me how I was.  She was the one who let me know it was ok to still be grieving and hurting.  She made me recognize that I needed some more time...

I had to call the health unit about getting my immunizations updated.  They must have "lost a baby" written on my file.  As soon as she referred to my file she "knew" who I was.  I'm the girl who "lost" her baby.  She asked me how far in my pregnancy I was when you were "lost".  Does it matter?  When I get asked that question I always say "full term, 38 weeks".  I feel the need for people to know that.  You were in my tummy long enough to be fully developed.  

I met grandpa, grandma and your big sister, Anna at the hall so we could get Anna's flu shot done.  When grandma got hers done, she was with the nurse I had talked to earlier this morning.  The nurse asked grandma if she was my mom.  Grandma responded that she was my mother-in-law.  The nurse told grandma how they, the nurses, just loved me.   I think I was fresh in her mind... and who can't handle a little extra love?

Kenzie, momma's car is on the fritz, is getting time to get a new one... it's been suggested I get a mini van!!  much to your daddy's horror!!  I'm not so sure.  What if we don't have any more little ones to fill all those empty seats??  We always thought that by the time my Jeep kicked the bucket, that we'd need to upgrade to a larger size SUV, now I'm thinking smaller, better fuel economy.

I'm not saying I'm giving up on providing you a younger sibling so you can be a big sister like Anna.  I'm just not so sure it's in the plan.  Anna was talking about you today.  In a small, perhaps, but the impact on me was great.  I had bought a gift for a birthday party we're attending next weekend and when she saw it she asked me if it was for her sister.  I told her, "No, honey, your sister is in Heaven, remember?  This is for your friend."

I hear all the time people referencing us having baby #2.  Well, I'm not hoping to have baby #2, cause that's you.  People ask how many children we have, I say two.  How will Anna answer that question of "Do you have any brothers and sisters?"  The other kids at daycare have questioned who you are when Anna talks about you.  It's probably confusing because the other kids who have siblings go to daycare with their siblings, yet Anna arrives alone. 

I can remember when I was taking Anna to daycare last summer that one little girl of about 4 yrs old, saw that I wasn't pregnant anymore, and she excitedly asked me what I had.  Of course with this sweet girl I was just able to say, "We had a little girl, her name is Mackenzie," just as if you were waiting in the car outside... 

I hope you're following this crazy path I'm weaving tonight!!  Mommy better say goodnight.  Sweet dreams baby girl!  I miss you!   

Love forever,
Mommy

P.S. Oh and please watch at the gates for a sweet, curly red headed girl.  Her name is Stella, her mommies say she's getting her wings pretty soon.  I know Heaven is a wonderful, happy place, but I think her mommies will be happy to know you'll be their to help Jesus welcome her home.  I think you'll just love her!  She's very fiesty!

A Walk ro Remember 2012

The sun was shining, a nice breeze was blowing, the day was beautiful... 
The emotions were not so overwhelming...
For our family, this year's Walk was more of a celebration and a day for Mackenzie, we shed no tears, but quietly remembered. 

I don't want to overwhelm you with words and thoughts, so here are the pictures of our day.  Just as a note, the teddy bears are donated and distributed to the Edmonton area hospitals for families who've endure infant loss.  There were no baloons this year, as their is a helium shortage in Canada, so we blew bubbles.

Sorry this post took so long to make it to you!  Thanks for your patience.  This was the forth time I worked on it!  Every previous attempt got deleted before all the photos loaded and saved!!