A Beautiful Beginning...

I'm not really sure where I'm headed today, but I know it's towards a more peaceful place.  I've been saying all week, how I feel at peace right now.  I can't explain it anymore then that.  I feel like I'm starting a new year, like it's January 1st.  So if this is the beginning of a new year for me and my family then we've had a beautiful beginning.

Today marked the year mark of Mackenzie's funeral.  The day that her daddy, with the aid of her grandfathers, carried her to her final resting place.  I feel like a totally different person then I was a year ago.  Maybe cause I spend most of the last year in "automatic".  I was still in shock when we left the cemetery, knowing that our fathers were staying behind to cover up that beautiful white casket.

The thing is, to be totally honest with you, I never realised today was the 25th of May, that day, until after work when Anna and I were at the park.  I feel funny about that.  I feel that it should have been my first thought when i awoke this morning.  My actual first thought was, "We're so going to be late."  I also feel that not thinking that first thing this morning is a sign.  A sign that a beautiful beginning has indeed begun. 

I am happy.  I can be happy and still have Mackenzie in my heart.  She doesn't need to be a sad spot in my heart.  Yes, that spot aches, but it doesn't have to bleed every day.  I had a great day with Anna.  I hauled my new to me bike trailer and my bike to town this morning and after work we went for a bike ride.  Anna loved it, and so did I.  The pavement in town is way easier to pull the trailer on then gravel.  I am currently seated on my glider on my front deck.  I am looking out over our little duck pond.  I can hear the frogs chirp, the birds sing and in the distance the cars pass by on the highway.  I can smell the beautiful spring air.  I can feel the coolness of a soft breeze.  I can feel my heart smile as I take on this beautiful beginning and learn to be happy and live again.  Being the parent of an angel is very hard, definitely no user manual.

I am still going to tell you I have had to beautiful daughters, if you ask.  I am still going to have that tiny (sometimes huge), constant ache in my heart, but I will face each day with a little more hope.  Hope that God gives us the opportunity to expand our family and continue to grow in our love for Him and each other.

This is Anna's first attemp at drawing people. She actual made this on Mackenzie's birthday.

I asked her who they were and she told me, "scary!"  I'm unsure what that means!!  I think she did an awesome job!

Have a great weekend!  

Dear God

Dear God,

It seems like just yesterday that I learnt you were ready for my baby in heaven.  It seems like just yesterday I prayed for your strength.  It seems like just yesterday that I left that cold hospital room without my daughter.  I pray that she is safe in your hands, and watches over us with joy.

God, it seems like an eternity ago that I held my sweet daughter.  It seems like just yesterday that I touched her soft skin.  It seems like just yesterday that I kissed her rosy cheek.  I look to you in prayer to continue to heal my broken heart.

God do you have birthday parties in heaven?  Today is Mackenzie's first birthday.  I gave birth to an angel on this day one year ago, but I know she was yours long before.  Is Mackenzie playing with the other little ones who's mommies grieve their short lives?  Is she playing ring around a rosy with Kyle, Dustin, Brennan, Harris, Jacob, Thomas, and Jaren?  Will her great grandpas George and Bernard be there to bounce her on their knees?  Will her name sakes, Great Great Grandma Mary & Great Grandma Mary be there to bake her the most wonderful cake?  Will cousin, Jim, be there to tickle her with delight?  Will great auntie Shirley be there to tie ribbons in her hair? 

God, do you have balloons in heaven?  Big sister Anna would want Mackenzie to have balloons for her birthday.  Who will sing her happy birthday?  Who will kiss her when she bumps her head cause she's so excited to open her presents?  Will there be someone there to throw her up in the air, catching her as she squeals? 

Did Mackenzie catch the balloons we sent up to her?  Did she hear us sing "Happy Birthday"? 

*   *   *

God, for the last year I have questioned why my daughter was taken to heaven so soon.  I have searched and searched for an answer.  I have cried at the thought of my body not being enough for her.  God, today I give all that worry and unrest to you.  I know you will take care of these questions for me.  I realise there is nothing I could have done differently.

I trust in your knowledge and plan for my life, and my family.  I know you will be the everything Mackenzie needs in heaven, and the everything we need here on earth.

On this day I give it all to you...

Amen

*   *   *

Yesterday we remembered Mackenzie Mary and celebrated the people who have helped us through.

The day started with church at Trinity.  I had asked our new pastor, Rick, to do a little something in her memory.  He did a wonderful job.  He had a candle at the front of the alter that he had our little family light for Mackenzie.  Jeff had a very hard time during the lighting and the sermon.  Our congregation was celebrating Resurrection Sunday, which was really quite fitting.  Pastor Rick included Mackenzie's obituary in his sermon and spoke of her and our family.  We sat in our pew, a few sobs escaping out lungs.  Anna was intertwined on our knees in a little ball, as she comforted both Jeff and I.  She was sitting on Jeff's knee but I had my arms around her, locking around her and Jeff's arms.  It felt good to have that moment together.  Tears spilt down my cheeks like lava from a volcano.  Silently rolling in waves. 

After the sermon we sang "Jesus Loves Me".  There were more tears.  Not just tears of sadness but tears of acknowledgement that God is control and he does love us no matter what.  Once church was over we got the balloons out that we were going to let go of for Mackenzie and her little friends in heaven.  Well, the helium didn't survive the night very well!!!  Guess we will blow them up the day of next time!  We all walked out to Mackenzie's beautiful little spot, as a family we laid the beautiful flower bouquet our florist made.  We let the kids play and giggle.  It was so peaceful.

 

We joined at our home by family and friends for a wonderful BBQ.  The wind was quite cool but we braved it to sit on the deck for as long as we could, then we retreated to the house for cake and ice cream.  It was a beautiful, wonderful day.  We were surrounded by people who have helped us this past year, and I know they will continue to be here for us.   Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Today is Mackenzie's birthday, we're having a quite day at home.  Just what it needs to be.

 

The Opening Door

Most of you know that this weekend marks our first year.  This past year was full of firsts, emotions, tears, anxiety, and love.

This weekend we will celebrate those who helped us through this dark room, towards a new door.  This weekend we will open a door to a knew space.  A space that will no longer be decorated with the first Christmas, the first Father's/Mother's Day, the New Year...  We made it through all our firsts without Mackenzie.  We now decorate our home with beautiful pictures of our daughters, we look at them with joy and sadness in our hearts. 

This weekend we will open a new door to knew opportunities.  I think the room, on the other side of that door, will be filled with sunlight, streaming in through the open windows.  The windows, allowing us to see out past our heart ache...  I think I'm ready to open that door.  Actually I am kind of excited.  I want to know what God has in store for me.  What does He have planned for my family.  I feel like there is nothing but sunshine to come.

I am not closing the door to this space in my life.  How could I?  I don't really think that door will ever shut and that's OK.  I've been told that maybe I need to "move on" and get on with life.  In my opinion I am.  I can go forward and still save a place in my heart for the daughter I lost to heaven.  Mackenzie will forever be a part of my life and that's the way I need it to be, for me, my journey, my heart...

The memory box I made for Mackenzie.  The hospital did the casting of her hands and feet,

but Debbie, who runs Little Angels Baby Hand & Foot Impressions,

really prettied them up for me.

I am so thankful to Debbie,

she was even able to fix one of Mackenzie's little fingers that broke. 

If you live in the Camrose area,

 I encourage you to contact her to do some impressions for your family.  

Our BBQ is on Sunday after church.  I've decided that we'll take baloons with us, and release after church in the cemetery.  I think it's important to keep the BBQ light and cheery, a real celebration, and as a family we'll do the "hard" stuff together before hand.

Have a great long weekend and send a little prayer to heaven on Monday, wishing a happy first birthday to our little angel, Mackenzie.  God bless!

Mommy's Day

I was wanting to check in sooner with how my mother's day went, but life's been busy, so here it is...

I woke up to a little girl kissing my cheek at 10:30 a.m.  Yahoo!  I slept it!!!

Then I went for a run/jog/walk.  I wanted to spend a little time on my own, and a little Mackenzie time.  I jogged/walked the 8kms to the little church cemetery where Mackenzie is laid to rest.  I had my phone with me, so when I arrived I was able to play her song.  I also took a couple pictures with my phone.

Jeff and Anna picked me up and we headed to see grandma at the farm.  We visited with Grandma and helped her with a couple things.  We invited her out for supper.  We all got dressed up and went to supper, grandpa joined us there.  We all had such a nice time!!!  and Anna was very well behaved.

Originally it was suggested that we go to the golf course Sunday morning for breakfast.  I told everyone that i didn't want to go and that this year I was going to do what I wanted to do for Mother's Day.  I am so happy that I did.  I enjoyed the day and spent it with people i love.

My weekend wasn't all bliss.  Saturday I was very emotional...  I think the anticipation of the next day just go to me.  I cried off and on through the day.  I did get Mackenzie's shadow box completed, until the pieces came unglued!!!  So once I get it put back together I will show you.

When I showed Anna the shadow box, she gave a huge sigh and clasped her hands in front of her, saying "Oh I love it!!!"  Then she kissed it.  Well, of course that made me cry!  All day Anna was consoling me and bringing me "Mackenzie bear" to make me feel better.  I'm so lucky to have her.  Lucky to be a mom.  Lucky to have an angel.

Mother's Day

Well, Mother's Day is upon us once again.  I've been thinking about this day for a while now.  Really since our last event, my birthday.  I am not to sure what to expect, so I am going to try and take the day as it goes.  I am pretty sure that my day will involve a trip to our church cemetery, there is also another one on my mind that I may have to pop into, or maybe Monday after work.

Last year I was 37 weeks 2 days pregnant and envisioning in my mind holding my two babies on my lap on Mother's Day.  We went to the golf course for brunch, which I didn't want to do, but went anyway.  While there, we saw a lot of people we hadn't seen in a while, and of course everyone was excited to hear that our baby would be arriving soon.  When we got home I hauled the shop vac outside and cleaned out my Jeep, and installed the infant seat base.  By the time I was done, I could barely walk!  I look back at Mother's Day last year, and I know I didn't enjoy it.  This year I am going to do what I want to do.  It's Mother's Day! 

Maybe Anna and I will make up some of our planters on the deck.  If I can get my bike tire fixed, I'm also hoping to take her for a ride in our new to us bike trailer.  Or maybe we'll go to lunch and swimming.

I feel odd about Mother's Day, like half my heart is bound in thorns that keep piercing me with pain.  I don't really know how to explain this to you... as a mother we want to celebrate the day with those who made us "mommy", our children.  I know that Mackenzie is with me in my heart... and she's watching over us from heaven...  I just haven't figured out how to be a mommy to a babe in heaven.

People are critical towards me for talking about her and remembering her.  This is the only way I currently know how to express my love for her.  I am gloriously happy that she is my daughter, and I will continue to celebrate that fact.  I celebrate Anna everyday.  I snuggle, play, read, tickle, hug, kiss and tell her "I love you".  The last of which is most important to me, cause I know she hears me, as she responds, "I love you too Mommy".  I love Mackenzie the same way I love Anna, only that there is no one here to say, "I love you too Mommy".  The most precious gift I've ever received from my beautiful Anna are the words "I love you".  I don't need a gift, or a card, those words are enough.  It hurts to know I will never hear them from my beautiful little girl.  I guess in my mind I do understand that she must love me.  It's those words that I will miss every day.

I am also thinking of some very special moms this weekend.  Friends and family who also have babes in heaven.  I know, this may not be an easy day for them either.  I wish I could hug you all in person.  You are always in my thoughts, and I pray that we all feel that special love shining from above.

***

Happy Mother's Day to my mom!!!  I love you!!  Thank you for being my constant support through this year.  As a 29 year old woman,with children of my own, I never would have dreamt that I would need my mommy as much as I needed you this year.  Thank you!  I am forever greatful, that God provided me with the mommy I needed, not only as a child, but as an adult.  I feel blessed and pray that my children and I have a wonderful relationship like our when they grow up.

Wordless Wednesday - An Evening at the Park & a Few Rarities