18 months in MY shoes

If you are reading this today, chances are you are familiar with the journey God is guiding us along...  knowing what we've been through, would you dare put my shoes on?

My shoes are not stylish, they are not clean, they don't shine with any bling.  These shoes are not colorful, yet that do stand out in some crowds.  It's not often that my shoes get cleaned up, or repaired...  most of the time, I just wear them for what they are...  My shoes are rather wide (a hereditary thing) - so I doubt you'd want to wear my shoes at all.

If you have not even slid your feet into my shoes, don't bother to try and understand that the road that my shoes take me down is a lot different then the road that your shoes may go.  We all have those rainy days where it seems like there is nothing we can do to keep our shoes clean, and our feet dry.  Days upon days that you feel like your shoes will forever smell like you just stepped in dog doo doo.  How do your shoes affect your day???  How do your shoes affect your life?  How do your shoes affect your family? 

Here's the thing...  Until you've been in my shoes, don't expect that I can live in the same way you do.  Don't judge why tears come quickly, marking paths down my flushed cheeks.   You will never understand the way I wear my shoes has changed me forever.

I have walked in these shoes down a road so long, at times very narrow, dark, dingy and forever tumbling further - constantly in auto pilot. 

I have done the bare minimum in many areas of life because that was all I could do.  In many ways, I now have to return to different road blocks and try to remove them.  Today one of the constructions zones we hit was dicipline... oh the 3.5 yr old, who has been coddled my her mommy a little to much. 

Unless you are willing to put these shoes on, you won't know what it is like to hear her cry out for me, when she is scared of being scolded - because it is kinda a new thing.  The momma bear in me wants to (and usually does) want to comfort her and take all her fears away.  I know this is definitely not a really good thing.  It's hard after you've lost a whole year of ground work because of torrential rains.  You have to go back when things start to clear up, and start further back then where you left off.  You have to slowly pick up the pieces of your life, that were neglected for so long because they weren't essential for survival. 

I hear two voices when Anna cries out for me.  I hear her voice, and a soft angelic one too.  I can't stand to let her down, and believe for even one second that I won't do everything I possibly can to be there for her. I feel like I can't fail Anna's cries the way I failed previously... She has become as attached to me, as I have to her. 

Today, Mackenzie, would be 18 months old.  Yesterday, I did exactly what I did 18 months previous.  I walked into the same clinic, at the same time of day, lay on the same cool, paper lined bed, listened to the same silence, as the same technician worked on me, as I stared at the same picture, on the same wall, of the same room, with silent tears rippling down my face - the same way they did 18 months ago.

Mackenzie,

When I think of holding you, 18 months seems like an eternity ago... 

When my heart aches and the tears come, it seems like yesterday...

Love, Mommy

 

 

Your word is a lamp to my feet

and a light to my path. 

Psalm 119:105



Patience in Suffering

I'm in a moment these days...  and I just opened my daily prayer book and this is what I found:

Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, preserve in prayer.

 

Romans 12:12

 

I am having a very hard time rejoicing these days... my patience is wearing thin as I experience the depth of my loss on a different level... and prayer, well it seems to have gone out the window lately.

 

Where is this coming from?  you may ask...  Well, I just started round three of taking progesterone to try and get my body to work.  Round one was not productive, with my doctor insuring me that round 2 would surely be better.  Well round two was even worse then round one. 

 

I ended up at my doctor's office last week with a nasty cold.  I told the receptionist that I didn't have to see my doctor that anyone would do.  It was nice to overhear my doctor insist he would see me even if he was going to be late for his rounds at the hospital.  He asked me how everything was going and if the hormone treatment was working.  When I told him I've had no results he was a little shocked.  He told me that he was sending me for an ultrasound.  I reminded him that I already had a prebooked appointment with him on the 21st of this month, so he told me he'd get me in before then.

 

So, yes, I am happy that we're being even more proactive on figuring this out.  And I'm pretty sure that he now realises that it's not just in my head.

 

The clinic called with my date and apologised for not getting me in to Camrose, but having to schedule me Edmonton.  Really no big deal, especially since they got me in, totally by chance, for the day that I am picking up some loved ones at the airport.  What are the chances!!  Now I don't have to make two trips!  So I laughed about that... until, she told me where I was going.  Usually my doctor send his patients to Sherwood Park, right outside of Edmonton, however there was nothing available.  So as fate will have it, I will return to the same clinic I will have been at exactly 18 months prior, minus only a half hour...  The same clinic where my worst fears were confirmed.  Really??  You're making me go back to the place I never ever wanted to go back to??  The last time I was there it was May 20th, 2011 for a 3p.m. appointment,  I'll walk in there again at 2:30p.m. on November 20th, 2012.

 

Ugh!  To some people this may seem trivial.  To me it's not.  To top it off, yes, I go to the doctor the next day, 18 months to the day of Mackenzie's birthday.  blah  Of course they are going to try and rush the results so the doctor has them.  And I don't want to have to go days not knowing... but really?  I'm not sure what to think.

 

So I hope that we don't get repetitious negative news...

 

As for suffering and patience...  If there is one thing many people could tell you, it's that i am not patient.  This 18 month marker that is just around the corner, is really lingering on my mind.  What does 18 months mean to you??  For me it's seeing the little girls at Anna's daycare, and trying to compare them to what I should have.  This one little sweetheart came and sat on my knee yesterday when I picked up Anna.  She was just so sweet.  I couldn't help but remind myself to keep breathing...  even though there are times like this when you wish the air would just be sucked right out of you.  I couldn't help but pretend for only a moment that it was Mackenzie sitting on my knee...

 

So I suffer this unpredictable right of passage, that never seems to end, maybe if it does, I'll find patience waiting for me on the other side.

 

Prayer... Another blogging mommy wrote on her blog, some time ago, how she was having a hard time praying...  I totally understood where she was coming from.  It's not a belief or trust issue... For me it's my heart aches so loudly that I know God can already hear me.  I ask you to pray for me...  cause maybe your prayer will sound just a little different then mine and your prayer will touch on some small, yet relevant, piece I've missed.

 

So I ask for your prayers.  Pray that God will hold my hand when I walk into that clinic on the 20th.  Pray that there will be no major issues to overcome after we receive the results of the ultrasound.  Pray that the grief and suffering will be kind to me.  Pray that Jeff and I will continue to try to understand each other through this process.  Pray that Anna will continue to be the beautiful blessing of our lives, that we never take for granted any moment we have.

 

Thank you for continuing to check in with me here, I know that I've been lost lately, but eventually I always find my way back here.

Lots of Love,

Tyann