A Wonderful Christmas

Just a little note to say, we are having a wonder Christmas. 

Last night we went to church "back home" with mom and dad.  Anna was so cute.  The church where I grew up is HUGE!!!  I think the alter of my home town church is as big as our precious Trinity.  You may even be able to fit 6-8 Trinity's into this beautiful building.  Anyway, we always sit on a side aisle.  Anna loves the music at any church.  She always comes to me to lift her up as soon as the organist/pianist hits that first note.  She stands on the back of the bench in front of us and sways to the music and "sings" along.  Last night she'd even go into the side aisle and twirl and dance.  She was quiet, but I'm sure she still made her presence known.  Can't miss that angelic face and those pinchable dimples...

When Dad went up to do collection she was concerned that he was gone.  Before anyone could catch her she took off down the long aisle to the back of the church looking for him.  Pretty sure no one noticed... yah right.  Then she has to go to the bathroom... and when I'm washing my hands takes off in her usual trot (yes, just like a horse) to the bench.  My grade one teacher stopped as I tried to catch up to Anna to tell me how sweet she was.

After the service was over we went to the front to see the "baby Jesus" house.  There were candles all around, and since the local children had sang "Happy Birthday Jesus", she just had to blow out those candles.  But she kinda singed her hair...  She also fed the angel that I used to feed as a little girl.  This angel was purchased my Anna's great great grandfather, Henry, for the church many years ago.  The angel holds a little sachet that you can drop coins into.  As you drop the coins in, she nods her head in thanks.

Mackenzie was with us in church.  We often find her with us during special times.  How do we know?  Usually through small acts of God.  Like Anna catching the smallest rainbow made by the sun shinning through a piece of glass just right, or like tonight in the priest's sermon.  He talked about a little boy who sung to his unborn sister in his mommy's tummy.  When the little girl was born with complications the doctors didn't want the little boy in the NICU.  His mom demanded he be allowed in to sing to his sister.  What did he sing?  none other then "You are My Sunshine."  Father read the words out loud and I heard my mom gasp behind me.  I looked up at Jeff.  You see, I sung that song to Anna not always every night.  But since Mackenzie was born EVERY NIGHT.  We actually sing two versions, "You are My Sunshine" and "You are My Rainbow".  Anna requested the later sometime after we started seeing Mackenzie as our little rainbow.

I know to non believers this seems silly.  But I believe.  I believe that God has a way to comfort me.  I believe that Mackenzie has a way of being with us.  I believe she will always be with us, where ever we go, we just have to watch.  I believe in Hope.  I believe that one day, we will celebrate Christmas with our little daughter Mackenzie.  A Christmas that she'll be visible to us.  A Christmas where we can hug and kiss her again.  I believe that she is looking down on us from Heaven above.  I hope she's proud of her mommy and daddy.  I hope she finds joy in her big sister's fun loving spirit.  I don't need to hope she's safe, because I believe our Father holds her in His arms.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!  Here are a couple of pictures of Christmas from the past... some are a little scary!!

2007 - Me

 2007 - my handsome husband

2008 - arg scary!!  26 weeks pregnant with Anna

2009 - Anna's first Christmas

Christmas at grandpa and grandma Lukan's - 2009

2010 - 19 weeks pregnant with Mackenzie

This years picture still to come!  Keep checking in!

Christmas Questions

I am stealing this from a friend!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?  This year I'm all about the wrapping paper!
2. Real tree or Artificial? Artificial  Can you imagine that central Alberta doesn't have bush where you can chop down your own tree?  One of the first years Jeff and I were together he said, "Ok, we're going to go look for a tree..."  so I get all dressed up in my winter snowsuit.  "What are you doing?" he asks.  "Well, we're going to go get a tree in the bush, don't want to be cold..."  He laughed at me and explained that we were going to a tree lot!!!!  Oh how I miss Christmas tree hunting in Saskatchewan.
3. When do you put up the tree? This year was the second week of December
4. When do you take the tree down? When I get around to it! 
5. Do you like eggnog? no!
6. Favorite gift received as a child? cabbage patch doll
7. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes!  a snowman one and a glass one.  Anna has a plush one too!
8. Hardest person to buy for? men in general
9. Easiest person to buy for? ANNA!  in fact I accidentally bought her a couple more gifts yesterday...
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? mail, but we limited to my card exchange this year.
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? hmmm... i can't actually say there was one...
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Home Alone!!!
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? For Anna, I never stop!  everyone else, October/November
14. Ever recycled a Christmas present? no
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? chocolate!
16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? got to be white!
17. Favorite Christmas song? Away in a Manger
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? we go home to Saskatchewan every other year.  There will come a time that we do just stay home...
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? I think so...
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? An angel
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?Christmas morning
22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? calories
23. Favorite ornament, theme, or color? this year, white has been our color.  see my last post for some of my favorite ornaments.
24. What do you want for Christmas this year?  Happiness, and hope, mainly I am looking forward to many Blessings in the New Year.

Thankful Thursday A Little Mackenzie Christmas

Thank you for all the beautiful, heartfelt comments on m last post about Baby Brennan.  Isn't it wonderful how God works.  It's been almost two months since I thought of surprising Brennan's family with this little gift.  I was wanting to extend some Christmas, love and hope to someone else to comfort them, as it also comforted me.  Little did I know how many people were going to return the gesture...

The most perfect gift.  I knew about this gift.  In the summer my sister asked us if she could have a picture sketched of Mackenzie, as a memorial gift from her.  She was not sure if we would want one done.  Of course we agreed, and I gave her a CD copy of all Mackenzie's pictures.  This beautiful picture was drawn by an artist in Red Deer.  Thank you Leslie.  We now have a very beautiful picture of our precious daughter to hang on the wall that captures her in "life".  You will never know how precious a gift you've given us.

"Because you deserve rainbows in the winter too!"

(sigh) what can I say??  I was so surprised to receive this very sentimental gift.  One of my best friends and I always buy gifts for our daughters to give one another, this year she had this wool hand dyed in Oregon, and she knit these beautiful mitts herself!!!!  Thank you so much Keltie!  You were with me on the worst days of my life, and I pray we have many happy times ahead.

One of my special "moms" (you know from my Internet group I'm always gushing about), sent a beautiful snowman ornament for each of our girls!

Thank you Shanon!

I entered a Christmas exchange for moms who have lost little ones.

Wanda sent me this beautiful ornament (and some chocolate!!).

Thank you new friend!

Had to add this ornament Anna received from her BFF, Rylee (Keltie's daughter).

Thank you!

"Celebrate with Love"

Keltie also gave Mackenzie this ornament!

From Mackenzie's God Parents, my brother Joey and his beautiful wife, Janelle.

Thank you!

"Faith, Hope, Love"

This ornament I received from another special mom, Christina.

I saw this ornament, along with the one from Keltie (above) way back in November in a local drugstore.  I fell in love.  I wanted to buy it for myself... but decided not to.  Awesome how God put a thought in their minds when they saw the ornament and thought of our little angel.  I did pick up this exact ornament and send in to a wonderful, amazing mom in Manitoba... another one of my "moms".

This was the very first Christmas ornament Mackenzie received back at the end of summer.

I believe the idea came from my cousin Sarah and was sent with love from Auntie Dolores, Uncle Ross, David & Karen and Family, Susan & Chris and Family, and Sarah & Justin and Family!

Thank you!

"Bless this Child"

Once again, my Kimmy!  This is the ornament that came with the beautiful Christmas bouquet Kim brought to Mackenzie's memorial at the cemetery.

Thank you Kim, Matt. Dylan, Nathan and precious baby Ally!

A HUGE THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO CONTINUES TO PRAY FOR MY FAMILY,

TO EVERYONE WHO HAS THOUGHT OF US DURING THIS BLESSED SEASON,

TO EVERYONE WHO ASKS ME HOW I'M DOING WHEN YOU SEE ME,

AND TO EVERYONE WHO HAS SENT US BEAUTIFUL CHRISTMAS CARDS

(MY "MOMS" ESPECIALLY).

I didn't do cards to my entire (huge) family this year.  I wasn't sure how, it felt awkward and weird.

I did send cards to my "moms", OK really their kids, as a part of a card exchange organized by Susannah.

In lieu of a post marked card this year, please accept our Christmas message:

May God Bless You and Your Family

as You Remember and Celebrate the Birth of

Our Saviour, Jesus Christ.

May the Year 2012 Find You With

Faith, Hope and Love.

Love Always,

The Erikssen Family

Wordless Wednesday - Santa Claus Edition

Just a few quick snap shots from our Santa day at the local play center!! 

Thanks to Jess for organizing!  It was so much fun!

Sorry Kim!   How could I resist?  Look how cute you and Ally are!!!

Anna, Me, and BFF Rylee

Anna and Santa Claus.  She did so good!!!  She even told Santa she wanted a rocking horse!

Merry Christmas Baby Brennan

Baby Brennan is what his mommy calls a "Heavenly Friend" of Mackenzie's.  His mommy and I worked at the same hospital.  We didn't know each other that well, until we had something in common.  We've both lost a child.  We are both young wives and mothers who face the most difficult journey...  We are both learning how to me a mommy to a child in Heaven. 

I can remember when baby Brennan went to Heaven.  I can remember how I felt when I found out.  I can remember calling my own mother, in tears.  Exclaiming, "How could this happen?  I can't even imagine how she feels."  I can remember that weird feeling I got every time I visited his page on his mommy's blog.

Thanks to Brennan's mommy, and her willingness to share her families story, I was a little more "prepared" when we lost baby Mackenzie.  Not that you are ever "prepared" for your life to hit a brick wall going 100 miles an hour.  You are never prepared for that kind of pain.  You are never prepared for the physical feeling of your heart breaking.  None the less, J (Brennan's mommy) has helped my journey.  And I thank her for that.

Brennan's family recently moved to another province.  J shared with me how it was going to be hard to not be able to go to his resting place whenever the need was there.  To not be able to go there on Christmas or his birthday.  I thought that maybe I could help.  I have been thinking about this for a long time.

I told my husband back in November that I wanted to do something special for Brennan's family at Christmas.  Jeff agreed to help.

So this is what we did...

Merry Christmas Brennan!

Another friend who writes a blog posted about what Christmas means...  Christmas means family.  Christmas means helping a dear friend share Christmas with her little boy, from 100's of kilometres away.  Christmas means taking care of each other, in the simple ways.

J, I hope that you and your family have a wonderful Christmas, knowing that your baby Brennan is alive in the hearts of many people who love him, and his family.  I pray that this small gesture comforts the spot in your heart that aches... especially during the Christmas season. 

For all that you have done for me, I thank you, J!

Wordless Wednesday in Rewind Edition

Anna December 12, 2009

Anna December 13, 2010

Anna today!

A Kimmy Day

Well, Kim and I FINALLY got together today.  We see each other often, but every time we tried to get together here at my house it fell through.  We met at the church so she could see Mackenzie's memorial headstone.  She even brought a little something for her.  That was way to sweet of her.  That's why we love our Kimmy.

Nathan and Anna ran around the cemetery, it was nice to hear some giggles in an otherwise emotional place to be.  My apologies to the souls there, but I hope you were smiling down on them! 

Kim also brought us a beautiful Angel ornament.

We had lunch and visited.  I showed Kim Mackenzie's hand and foot molds and prints and her beautiful keeps sakes from my wonderful mommies.  It was nice.  Ally cooed on the bed beside us.  In the summer, we're going to take Ally to the cemetery too.  Just to cold for her today.  I told Kim that it's hard to believe that Mackenzie would be just a little bit bigger then Ally if she were with us.  It's so nice to look at Ally and know that she has a special Angel watching over her. 

Here you can see the two acorns Anna brought her sister's angel.

Kim and Nathan

A Good Day!

Today was a good day.  It just started out so well.  Anna called me to her room, as she usually does, and I tickled her.  Then she wanted me to read her Bible book about Sam the Samaritan.  She really likes this story, probably because on each page there is a mouse to find!  None the less, she's hearing the word,  if she knows it or not!

We let Daddy sleep as we had breakfast and got ready for church.  As we drove down the driveway, Jeff and I noted this was going to be the first time we didn't have a big family feud trying to get out the door - and we weren't late!!!

Anna's a good girl in church.  She loves to hear the organist play.  Every time the music starts, she comes to one of us so we can pick her up and she dances on the bench in front of us.  She sways back and forth to the music, it's so precious.  She also loves seeing the Advent wreathe and candles.  Today, when we were done communion, she tried to blow them out!  She is really comfortable in our little church, which I am thankful for, and today she didn't want to leave.  After the service ends each time Sunday, she states, "Gonna go see Kenzie's rose!"  I love that she remembers that!

I also love that our small congregation remembers Mackenzie.  They keep our names, and hers, printed in the bulletin  for special prayer.  I love hearing her name out loud.  Makes my heart flutter and brings a smile to my face.  It really makes me feel good that she is remembered.

After church we went out to the cemetery.  It was overcast today, but no wind.  We took Mackenzie a little Christmas tree.  I know it's a live tree and that it will freeze, but it's cute.  Anna likes to go look at her sister's angel and flowers.  Today a couple of the solar light ornaments were bent over.  We've had some warm weather and heavy wind, causing them to fall at a peculiar angle, to then get frozen in place!  There was no moving them!

Anna collected a couple pine cones for Mackenzie's angel, and sat them there in front of her.  It is nice to go there, but I know it is hard for Jeff.  It is for me too... I saw some tears today...

We came home, had a traditional "Lukan" after church pancake breakfast.  Then we all cozied up on our couches and watched "Beauty and the Beast Enchanted Christmas".  Ok, none of us lasted long, we all had a good nap!  Anna napped on my chest, it was so comforting!

We spent some time outside, and played hide and seek before bed, this is Anna's favourite game!  She gets so excited!

So there you have it.  Today was a really good day!  A little bit of lighter reading for you. ;)

Christmas is coming...

Well, Christmas is coming, if I like it or not.  Don't get me wrong, I do like Christmas, but I don't have to love it this year.  We finally put up our tree today.  Anna thought it was fun.  She hung all her ornaments right at the bottom.  She was so happy with herself.  For the most part, I trimmed the tree in white this year.  I needed to feel the pureness, the innocence, the calm that white brings.  I put our wall hanging that says "Peace" on it, about 2/3 of the way up the tree.  I thought it was a neat idea, Jeff thinks is tacky.  But hopefully it reminds me everyday to be peaceful;  to let the season happen, even though I'd would rather go to sleep tonight and wake up to January 1, 2012.

I've been having some anxiety about the holidays.  Why?  well I'm allowed to.  I guess that's part of the process after you've lost someone.  Christmas is tough.  I didn't buy "Baby's First Christmas" Hallmark booties this year.  I bought a remembrance ornament instead...  When Anna and her cousins (from either side of the family) get together to play, and unwrap their gifts how can I help but think of our missing daughter?  When mom and dad come next weekend, along with my siblings and families, there will not be four parcels under the tree from Grandpa and Grandma for the grandchildren.  Cause how do you send gifts to Heaven?  We're having family Christmas at our home, mostly because I need the comfort of my surroundings.  If I need to go hide for a while I will.  And maybe this way we can include Mackenzie and take that quick drive down the highway to the church.

We are spending Christmas Day and some days before/after at my parents place.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to be away from home.  But if we were home, I would feel the pressure to be around all our loved ones and the big hoopla of it all.  Mom and dad's will be quiet.  There won't be a crowd.  If I need a time out, I can go to my room.  My room back home has changed a lot, but it's still comforting. 

Maybe my need to be back home at Christmas comes down to the fact that the hurting little girl in me just needs her mommy and daddy.  Maybe I can pretend that I'm just 10 years old, going to midnight mass, and feeling the magic of the retelling of Christ's birth.  At that age the thought of singing "Away in a Manger", won't make me tear up and my throat raw - we sang that song at Mackenzie's funeral.

But I don't want to be 10 years old again.  I would never give up my wonderful husband and beautiful daughters, not for all the heartache in the world.

I came across a great scripture yesterday, quite accidentally, cause I read the wrong one!  Of course I just spent the last 1/2 hour trying to find it, and no luck.  Anyway it talked about walking through a valley of hardship to eventually get to better things - God's glory.  Funny because my sister in law had just told me that same thing earlier that day!  So here I am, walking...

Will Grief Follow Me?

First off, I must say a big "THANK YOU" to mom and dad.  We met half way (a two hour drive or more each) yesterday.  And I did it, I said goodbye to my sweet little girl and watched her drive off in Grandpa's new truck.

I was so anxious.  This is the first time she'll be away from Mommy.  Yes, she's stayed overnight with Jeff's parents numerous times, but they live just down the road, ten minutes away.  And yes, she stayed with a complete stranger (to her, not to me) when Mackenzie was born, but that was special circumstances, and after all, she was with her BFF... and still she was, at tops, 20 minutes away.  Anna has been away from Daddy for extended periods - for example when we've went to Grandma and Grandpa's for visits and he's at home working.  But this is the first time that she's been THIS          FAR        AWAY!

Jeff even called yesterday morning to talk to her (she was sleeping when he left for work) because he already missed her - we hadn't even left our house yet.  I think it's all together different now.  After you loose a child, you really look at your sweet little daughter in a new light.  I loved her before, and now it's like I'm loving her the amount I loved her before and even more, because I love her the amount that I had reserved for Mackenzie.  Not that I don't love our little angel in Heaven.  But that's a different love.  Now when I hug Anna, I hug her a little more, maybe because I want to give a hug to two little girls, but can only hug one.

Letting Anna go to Grandpa and Grandma's was hard.  I often envelope myself in Anna, maybe to hide from what's inside, to keep myself from going there.  I cried myself to sleep last night.  Not really because I missed Anna, although I do.  But because leaving her, made me miss Mackenzie that much more.  I feel like as Christmas creeps up on me, I am going backwards. 

We didn't let Anna go to Grandpa and Grandma's for no reason.  Yah, maybe we do need a little "break"... or so people say.  But I don't feel like I should.  I chose to have children, I chose to change my lifestyle in order to raise them, love them, and be the best parent I can be.  Yes, it will be good for all of us.  Yes, Anna is in the best hands ever.  Yes, Anna will be fine.  Back to the reason... today, December 2, is the 5 year anniversary of our engagement.  Can you believe? 5 years.  So we're going back to the place Jeff proposed.  The top of the mountain.  (If Jeff was here I could tell you the name of the mountain, but he's at work.)  We're going to enjoy a day of skiing/snowboarding.   Everyone tells me we need this time.  My counsellor made me promise to go.  But at the same time, I feel like I'm leaving Anna out.  She's part of our family. 

March 28, 2007 - Panarama - Our Honeymoon

I wonder if this mini vacation will do something to change my grief?  Will it give us, as a couple, a chance to catch it?  It's not something we talk about everyday.  I'm not sure why, maybe cause it's flooding and so real when, as husband and wife, mommy and daddy, we talk about loosing our little baby.  Maybe because we can't go there everyday.  Maybe it's hard for Jeff to see me cry, cause I know it's hard for me to see him cry.  I don't understand that.  Maybe if we don't see each other cry, we think the other is not hurting inside as bad as we are.  When I see Jeff upset, I know his heart is breaking, he feels like he's choking, he can't think, I know that he hurts, and I don't want him to hurt the way I hurt, because it's to much.  I know he feels this way, cause I do too.  Of course he hurts, he's her daddy.

I know "getting away" will be great, but will grief follow me?  Will it be there when we get to our favourite hotel tonight?  Will it follow us to the top of our mountain?  Will it come to dinner with us at our favourite dining spot?  Where do I pack it?  I wish I could take grief off my heart for the weekend, and put it at the bottom of  my Rossignol ski bag.  Just for the weekend.  Taking this "break" doesn't feel like a "break" because it's not Anna I needed the "break" from.  Mom and Dad, if I said come back to that half way point and pick up my grief, would you?  Would grief go with you as willingly as Anna?  Would grief be so excited to leave my arms and enter yours, just for the weekend?  I promise I'd pick it up when I get back.  Would you make a little bed on the floor for grief?  Would you take grief to town, and let it look at the toys in the old store while you get groceries?  Would grief have a great time playing in the snow with grandpa?  Or do you think that grief would refuse to go and follow me?