Wordless Wednesday - November Edition

Thankful Thursday - Rarities Addition

Well, I've been really up in the air about Christmas this year.  What to do?  How much and when to decorate?  Where should we go?  Should we stay home? blah, blah, blah...

Thankful #1 - My counsellor gave me a book on grief and bereavement the other day.  I just read this morning that it's ok to skip the cards, the extra decorating and running around like a crazy person, when you're grieving the loss of a loved one.  So I'm not going to send out a bunch of cards this Christmas.  We didn't do cards last Christmas because we knew we would get family pictures done in April with Anna's 2 year pictures, and that we'd do them again this fall with "the new baby".  So this year I'm thankful that someone has let me feel that it's ok, that we skip this little tradition. 

Thankful #2 - Crafting - Well, I'm not skipping the tradition entirely... I am making cards for our Awesome Mama's group.  So yah, I'm only doing about thirty... not a lot right??  I've been crafting with Anna;  cutting, pasting, Anna spilling 1000 of those little metallic craft stars all over the place, two days in a row.  Why, you ask do I keep giving them back to her?  Hello, it occupies her!  She gets out my measuring spoons and cups and pretends to  make "soup" or "chocolate chip cookies"!  I like that she sits at the table with me and stirs the stars around and around.

Thankful #3 - little metallic craft stars (see above!)

Thankful #4 - My Markers - I'm also enjoing my old markers from Interior Design school.  Oh, how I've missed you my over intoxicating marker friends!  That dizzy high I get from their smell, which quickly fades into a headache!  Brings back memories.  I have to apologize to my mommas... who ever gets the first couple cards, they aren't that pretty, but wow, are my rendering skills improving as I go!

Thankful #5 - my family, and friends who are so patient with me.

Thankful #6 - God for blessing me

Thankful #7 - Snow, yah I said the "S" word.  It'll be 5 years, next week, that Jeff proposed to me.  So we are hoping to go back to the mountain where the proposal took place.  We need snow.  61cm of fresh snow so far this week @ our mountain. :)

Thankful #8 - Peppermint bubble bath.  I'm skipping my run tonight to splurge on bubbles.

Thankful #9 - I'm really looking forward to "the cookie exchange".  Very thankful to be invited to join.  So thankyou for  thinking of me.  This gives me that little Christmas "magic" feeling.  Something so simple.

Thankful #10 - Lattes from Starbucks!  Try the Caramel Brule, or Peppermint Mocha - but don't forget the "skinny"

Thankful #11 - That the nearest Starbucks is 102 kms away! or I'd be broke and a little extra "jolly" around the middle. 

Time

Well, I know this is going to be all over the place... but read on.

Time is going so fast, but in so many ways, painfully slow.

Today you, my sweet little girl, are "6 months old".  But really, you are 6 months gone.  I can't believe that this much time has transpired.  Where did it go?  It feels like just yesterday you were "safe" in my belly.  But it seems like an eternity since I last held you.  Rocked you.  Kissed you lips.  I have flashbacks of your daddy placing your casket on the ground... where we left you.  Flashbacks of the pain I saw in everyone's faces when they came to meet you for the first and last time.  Flash backs, when I least expect it, of coming home to an empty crib, waiting bassinet, and a bright red carseat that never made it to the car this time.  Flashbacks of Grandma and I packing away all your brandnew cloth diapers, the new swing I bought just for you.

I remember Grandma helping me dismantle your crib, just a day or so after your funeral.  It sat - dismantled, like our lives, in the basement for a couple of months before I got it packed away in storage.  I don't know if I will ever put that crib up again.  Next time, someone else can do it.  I chose to store it at the farm, not wanting to see it everytime I go in the shed to get your big sister's bike, or sled.  It's bad enough I have to see all those boxes of baby clothes, the baby swing, and the bumbo.  You could use that bumbo now...  The change table/dresser in your room is filled with Anna's panties and pullups.  Not your itty bitty diapers.   Momma couldn't even bring myself to give away the brand new box of newborn Pampers.  They were yours. 

I ran into a lady I used to work for the other day.  She asked me how I was... ok, I've taken more time off, I knew I went back to soon...  Postpartum blues?... I think it's a little more then that... Asked me how the family was... getting better, it was a rough summer...  Asked me what I had... a little girl...  What'd you name her... Mackenzie... 

Through the conversation I told her Anna was in the car.  But now I'm getting the feeling she "doesn't know", but I'm not sure.  She asked me another question... and in my response added in somewhere... Well, Mackenzie's Memorial Marker went in this week so that was a blessing and exciting surprise...  You lost her?!  I'm sure that's not a question, but an exclamation... Yah, she didn't know.  She was shocked.  And then it all made sense to her, I could see it in her eyes... why I was off work, why I only said Anna was in the car, my vagueness about my "newborn"...  I think I felt worse for her then I did for me.  I couldn't have left that conversation without making sure she knew though...  but how do come out and say it?

That was the first time that happened to me.  I really hope it doesn't happen again.

Time is going so slow... in my mind I've been pregnant for 14 months now.  Call me crazy, but that's how I feel.  Why?  because I still anticipate the sweet smell of a baby in my home.  I'm still waiting to swaddle that newborn tight and rock her to sleep.  I still am nervous of how Anna will react to a sibling in her room.  In my mind, it will continue to seem like I have been pregnant since September of 2010.  Until the time we are blessed, by God, to leave the hospital with a baby, that's how I'll feel.  In so many ways, it feels like Mackenzie was never mine.  She was only ever God's child. 

In many books on grief and loss they talk about remembering the good times... hmm...  rejoicing in the fact that your loved was born (just read that the other day)... really Mackenzie were you born?  I birthed you, but you were not born...  When I hear the word "born" I think of a baby taking her first breath...

Is it so wrong of me to ask Why?  Why God?  Why was I chosen for this hardship?  Why me, Lord?  What have I done?  Is it so wrong of me, even though I do have faith, I do understand that God has a plan for me, to ask that question?  Did Jesus himself not ask God, Why me?  "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" - Matthew 28:46

I do ask that question.  And then I pray.  I pray for the patience I need for this time.  I pray for understanding in all God's works in my life.  I pray for the strength to move forward.  I pray for my faith and trust in God to not waver.  I pray that God will continue to bless my family in what ever way He sees fit.  I pray that God will guide me down the right paths.  I pray that His light continues to shine in my eyes.  I pray that God is holding my family of four, close in his arms, together forever.  I pray for friends and family who I know hurt similar to my pain.  I pray for a little red haired girl, her baby brother, her parents and families.

I pray that He is holding YOU in His arms.

Wordless Wednesday

Shh.. for once I'm not talking!

 Anna's "Hippo"

I guess she figured her stuffed animals needed a bath.

Anna and "Kenzie" bear waiting for visitors.

snow angel

A Great Surprise!

Well, today was a good day.  It started yesterday morning when I got a call from the installer from Remco.  He said he was coming out TODAY to place Mackenzie's memorial marker!!  I was so excited.  We only finalized the drawings 2 weeks ago.  The very nice lady we dealt with thought the chances were very slim that we would have it installed this year.  When she had told me that, I was so disapointed.  She explained it was not good to do it if the ground was really frozen.  I understood that... it just felt like I needed this done going into a "New" year.  I needed Mackenzie to be honored, with that marker, to get to the next step in my grief.  I'm not sure how Remco pulled it off, but they did.  The power of prayer my friends!  God is really pulling for me!

Getting back to my good day.  I was a little worried that with this colder weather we've been experiencing that the installer would decide not to come today.  Thank God I had a play date planned at our house with a great friend, our deep conversation, which included "Mom she spit on me."  "He pushed me", and various other interactions of three young children, my friend kept my mind occupied with great conversation.  God sends people are way right when we need them.  I finally remembered to tell my friend that the marker was hopefully going in today.  Her response, "It is, I saw a truck at the cemetery on my way here!"  Woo hoo!! 

After supper, Jeff, Anna and I dressed up and got in the Jeep and drove the 3 or 4 miles down the road to the church yard.  Yah, it was dark... so dark that Anna was scared to go out.  She couldn't figure out why mommy and daddy would want to go play in the dark.  When Anna did get all suited up and out the door, she insisted on making snow angels before we left.  I love that.  I feel like they are for Mackenzie.  Maybe that's Anna's connection to her sister?

I was a little nervous.  What if something was wrong??  What if we didn't like it??  We walked together to Mackenzie's resting place and...

Perfection!!  We were told it would be incased in concrete, but this is not regular concrete.  It's pretty concrete with sparkles in it, very girly and princess sparkly.  We are so pleased!

A big thank you to everyone who helped make this memorial marker possible.  (I won't use specific names because of privacy.)

•  A big contributor was Jeff's employer and his family
• My wonderful parents
• My brother and his wife
• My wonderful group of moms from across Canada (can you believe I'm so blessed to have such a great group of friends, whom I have never met in person?).  
• A good friend at my work
• my aunt
• great families from our church
• a couple other individuals. 

Basically if you sent us a memorial donation for Mackenzie, this is what we chose to use it for.  We wanted something that was going to last FOREVER!  Thank you to everyone!  We really appreciate your generosity.

A couple more snap shots of our night...

November Rainbows

 I have placed my rainbow in the clouds.

It is the sign of my covenant with you and with all the earth. 

When I send clouds over the earth,

the rainbow will appear in the clouds, and I will remember my covenant with you and with all living creatures.

Never again will the floodwaters destroy all life.

Genesis 9:13-16

I had an awesome day today.  Started out with a playdate at the indoor playground with my best girl, Kim.  Really we call these "playdates" but us mommies get a lot out of them too!  Then lunch with by best girl and my other BFF.  In all, we were 3 mommies and 7 kids.  Yah, we took over that Killam Subway!  Watch out!

Just as I was about to leave town for home, I noticed a text message from my sister.  My sister works for CN, she is a train engineer.  Yes,  my sister drives a train for a living.  Anyway, she was in Whitecourt on a run when she saw a beautiful rainbow. 

She also always hears Mackenzie's Song when she's on a run.  Mackenzie's song is "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry.  Click the link and listen.  You'll get it.  Bury me in satin... I'll be wearing white when I come into You kingdom... Lord make me a RAINBOW, I'll  shine down on my mother...  hit the link!!!
Sorry, I just realized that maybe you don't know the rainbow story...  once again, hit the link!  I'm a little scattered!

Anyway, my sister saw a rainbow.  It's November 10.  How many times have you seen a rainbow in November??  I have great group of online mommies who have been sending me rainbow pictures all summer and fall, thinking of Mackenzie everytime they see her little rainbow.   
So as you can tell by my scattered thoughts, I was excited that my sister saw our little rainbow today.  I arrived home around 2:00.  As I came around the corner of my Jeep to lift a sleeping Anna out of her seat, I looked up toward the eastern sky... this is what I saw.

Really?  Yes, another rainbow in November!!!  Just an hour or so after my sister saw one some 400 kms away. I called Kim, she was shocked (Kim was the one that saw a rainbow on her drive home from the hospital with her new born, born 2 months exactly after Mackenzie.  She says Mackenzie is Ally's angel.)   I just couldn't believe it.  Anna was so happy so see her rainbow!!  "Momma, Kenzie send my rainbow back to Anna!"  Then I called my mom.  She was amazed. 
I was distracted the rest of the afternoon and early evening.  Prepping supper for my family and Jeff's parents, visiting and bedtime routine.

I finally checked my phone text messages and here is what Kim wrote, "OMG, and your MOM saw a rainbow too?"  What?  I thought we got our wires crossed somewhere.  There is no way, my mother, a good 450 kms from where I live, saw our little rainbow today.  I hit the Facebook app on my phone, found my moms page and...

Yes, I know that was one rainbow in the first picture, and a double (look above the cat's head) rainbow in the second.  I thought maybe mom had these on file, just posting them now.  So I called her again, yep those were taken today around 5 PM, just 3 hours after I saw my rainbow and five hours after my sister saw hers.  It's November... rainbows in November?  

I have great group of online mommies who have been sending me rainbow pictures all summer and fall, thinking of Mackenzie everytime they see her little rainbow.   Many people, including my mommies from across the country, have told me that they have seen way more rainbows this summer/fall then ever.  Looking back at my post a couple days ago, I questioned if Mackenzie was here, around us, watching us.  Well...  I think she's reassuring her momma that she is.  She's with me, everyday, sometimes I just have to lift my head towards the heavens and open my heart.

Did you read the Bible verse I put at the top?  I believe in God's promise.  Never again will the flood waters destroy all life.  He's held true.  We're still floating.  With His guidance we're surviving...

 Mom put as a comment on her pictures that Mackenzie was having a hard time saying "goodbye". She's not wanting to say goodbye Grandma, she's playing peek-a-boo, whispering "hello".

My Heart Tugs

Well, today I was off to Camrose for my second session.  I got a call shortly after I dropped Anna off at daycare that my counsellor was sick and we'd have to reschedule.  I was already on the road, so I decided to go to the city anyway and get a few things done.

Our family has decided to pack a shoebox for Operation Christmas Child in memory of Mackenzie.  (If you have not thought of doing this, I encourage you to do so!  Drop off is from the 21- 27 of November.  You still have time, consider it.)

My heart tugged many times today, when I picked out those special items for our shoe box...
I started out with Dollarama, where you can get many neat items.  While looking through the assortment of children's books, I came across one called "When Leaves Die" by Lisa Galjanic.  It's a beautiful book.  I haven't actually found the strength to read it yet... but I read the blurb on the back cover and think it will be a good book to share with Anna over the years. 

My heart tugged ... "buy two copies, Stella's family needs it too".  So I picked up another copy.  I plan on sending the second copy to a family in Ontario.  No, I don't "know" them, I've read their story on their blog.  It breaks my heart.  I don't understand how they feel.  BUT I know how I felt loosing a child.  And I know how my heart soared a little higher on days our family would receive a special gift in the mail or a special messag on facebook or email.  My heart tugged, so I bought them the book...

My heart tugged... when I saw the hot pink 6" x 6" book on the Dollorama shelf... I picked it up, interesting, "What a Wonderful Life for Moms - Celebrating the Wonder and Joy of Motherhood".  It was the only one there, it stood out on the shelf and looked like it needed to belong to someone.  It now sits infront of me on my desk.

My heart tugged... when I got in the car.  I cried, wishing that those small gifts, sitting in the back of my jeep, beside Anna's stroller (yes heart, the stroller I bought the double unit for... and will never use for both my girls).  Those gifts that I desperately wished were for Mackenzie. 

My heart tugged... as I drove to my next destination.  I fought back the tears as I walked into SuperStore thinking, "I should have a 5 1/2 month old in this cart, would she be able to sit up?".

My heart tugged as I walked to the baby section in Walmart, hoping to find a "baby doll" like Anna's for our shoebox.  And there she was!  Last week when I checked they didn't have any.

My heart tugged tonight when I read the story of Noah, the flood and the rainbow, to Anna. She fell peacefully asleep in my arms, just like a baby.  I still sang her song, You Are My Sunshine, while that lump built in my throat. I laid her down, undisturbed in her bed... so peaceful... so innocent.  I needed that.

I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me

what I asked of Him.

So now I give him to the Lord.

For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.

1 Samuel 1:27,28

That was one of the Bible versus in my new hot pink book.  Enough said...

What makes your heart tug?



Ending up Somewhere...

We may throw the dice, but the Lord determines how they fall.

Proverbs 16:32

I'm not really sure what I'm posting about.  I just feel like you all deserve a little update.  Just read, I'm sure we'll end up somewhere...

I started Mackenzie's scrapbook today.  I was very edgy, just ask Jeff.  I was worried about Anna touching my supplies and worried about loosing my focus.  I didn't want to be interupted.  Working on a scrapbook can be so intimate, no matter what the subject matter.  Seeing that the focus of this book is my daughter, whom I will never get to know, makes it so sensitive.  As I worked on this book today, I felt so close to my little girl, like I am getting to know her.  The closest I've felt to her in a long time.  I often wonder if she's with me... you know, sitting beside me and Anna on the couch, giggling as we watch Toopy and Binou.  Was she with me today as I let the tears fall on her beautiful pictures?   How do I know? 

Some days I wonder if Anna is more in tune with her sister then I am.  Today, as I was trying to explain what I was doing, working on this special book, Anna asked, "Special book for Anna, Mommy?".  I responded with a resounding "Yes."  I told her it is a special book for Anna to remember her baby sister.  And that when Mommy was done making it, Anna could have this special book.  "Oh, book about Mackenzie Mary, thanks momma."  was her response...  What???  Yes, we did name Mackenzie, Mackenzie Mary... but we don't call her that on a day to day basis.  We call her Mackenzie or as Anna calls her, "Kenzie".  Where did Anna pick up on the "Mary"?  I never refer to our angel by her first and second names.  Yes, both are on the cross stitch in the girls' room, but Anna can't read... 

I don't know, maybe I'm to sensitive to these things.  But maybe Anna is more aware then even I am.  When she used her sister's full name, I teared up.  To me, those are little signs...  even if just little signs that Anna has not forgotten her baby sister.  If Mackenzie isn't sitting with me everyday, I pray that she is close to her older sister.

I've been really going through a lot of emotions lately.  I started seeing a counselor last week.  I really like her.  She has faith.  When I made biblical reference she could reference right along with me.  This put me at ease.  I realized she is a woman of faith when I answered her question, "Did you ever think it was your fault?"  She was shocked when I responded, "Yes, until last Monday."  Then I told her my revelation through John 9:1-11 and about my post on guilt.  She knew what I was talking about.  My works fear was that I would get stuck with someone who didn't get that part of my life.  She asked me some great questions.  The last question she asked me was, "Where do you think you are in the grief process?"  I probably blushed... and replied, "I think I'm at the beginning..."

I have been blessed with a wonderful group of friends.  They are from all across our great country.  They have been there for me.  Many of these mommies have had a second baby, since our April 2009 babes.  A couple were due right around the same time as I was with Mackenzie, and many of them have had a baby in the last 5.5 months since our loss.  One had her baby in the last 24hrs.  I love seeing the pictures of their little ones, hearing the stories of their day to day lives... Last week, as I typed a note to another special friend, I realized it.  I will never see my baby girls first smile.  That astonishing thought ruined me.  My chest pounded as I continued to write that note, unvailing the pain in my discovery.  I watch my fellow mommas in real life, and online, share with delight the photos of baby's first smile and I love it, but still, it hurts my heart.  Please keep sharing. 

I will will never know my daughters first smile, the first giggles, the first time she roles over, the first time she calls me "momma".  I will never know the sound of her sweet voice.  I will never give her a bath.  It hurts oh so bad.  It makes me feel sick.  But to know that you, my friends, get to experience all those wonderful, cherishable moments, makes my heart sing.  Your bliss makes me feel so happy.  To know you're little ones are healthy and that you are delirious with every first...  I know when you post those beautiful photos, that you will never feel this pain.  I never want you to feel this pain.  I know some of you have.

Well, did I end up somewhere?

Wordless Wednesday - October Highlights

Consider it pure joy, my brothers,

whenever you face trials of many kinds,

because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1:2-4

 The deck is done!