Time

Well, I know this is going to be all over the place... but read on.

Time is going so fast, but in so many ways, painfully slow.

Today you, my sweet little girl, are "6 months old".  But really, you are 6 months gone.  I can't believe that this much time has transpired.  Where did it go?  It feels like just yesterday you were "safe" in my belly.  But it seems like an eternity since I last held you.  Rocked you.  Kissed you lips.  I have flashbacks of your daddy placing your casket on the ground... where we left you.  Flashbacks of the pain I saw in everyone's faces when they came to meet you for the first and last time.  Flash backs, when I least expect it, of coming home to an empty crib, waiting bassinet, and a bright red carseat that never made it to the car this time.  Flashbacks of Grandma and I packing away all your brandnew cloth diapers, the new swing I bought just for you.

I remember Grandma helping me dismantle your crib, just a day or so after your funeral.  It sat - dismantled, like our lives, in the basement for a couple of months before I got it packed away in storage.  I don't know if I will ever put that crib up again.  Next time, someone else can do it.  I chose to store it at the farm, not wanting to see it everytime I go in the shed to get your big sister's bike, or sled.  It's bad enough I have to see all those boxes of baby clothes, the baby swing, and the bumbo.  You could use that bumbo now...  The change table/dresser in your room is filled with Anna's panties and pullups.  Not your itty bitty diapers.   Momma couldn't even bring myself to give away the brand new box of newborn Pampers.  They were yours. 

I ran into a lady I used to work for the other day.  She asked me how I was... ok, I've taken more time off, I knew I went back to soon...  Postpartum blues?... I think it's a little more then that... Asked me how the family was... getting better, it was a rough summer...  Asked me what I had... a little girl...  What'd you name her... Mackenzie... 

Through the conversation I told her Anna was in the car.  But now I'm getting the feeling she "doesn't know", but I'm not sure.  She asked me another question... and in my response added in somewhere... Well, Mackenzie's Memorial Marker went in this week so that was a blessing and exciting surprise...  You lost her?!  I'm sure that's not a question, but an exclamation... Yah, she didn't know.  She was shocked.  And then it all made sense to her, I could see it in her eyes... why I was off work, why I only said Anna was in the car, my vagueness about my "newborn"...  I think I felt worse for her then I did for me.  I couldn't have left that conversation without making sure she knew though...  but how do come out and say it?

That was the first time that happened to me.  I really hope it doesn't happen again.

Time is going so slow... in my mind I've been pregnant for 14 months now.  Call me crazy, but that's how I feel.  Why?  because I still anticipate the sweet smell of a baby in my home.  I'm still waiting to swaddle that newborn tight and rock her to sleep.  I still am nervous of how Anna will react to a sibling in her room.  In my mind, it will continue to seem like I have been pregnant since September of 2010.  Until the time we are blessed, by God, to leave the hospital with a baby, that's how I'll feel.  In so many ways, it feels like Mackenzie was never mine.  She was only ever God's child. 

In many books on grief and loss they talk about remembering the good times... hmm...  rejoicing in the fact that your loved was born (just read that the other day)... really Mackenzie were you born?  I birthed you, but you were not born...  When I hear the word "born" I think of a baby taking her first breath...

Is it so wrong of me to ask Why?  Why God?  Why was I chosen for this hardship?  Why me, Lord?  What have I done?  Is it so wrong of me, even though I do have faith, I do understand that God has a plan for me, to ask that question?  Did Jesus himself not ask God, Why me?  "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" - Matthew 28:46

I do ask that question.  And then I pray.  I pray for the patience I need for this time.  I pray for understanding in all God's works in my life.  I pray for the strength to move forward.  I pray for my faith and trust in God to not waver.  I pray that God will continue to bless my family in what ever way He sees fit.  I pray that God will guide me down the right paths.  I pray that His light continues to shine in my eyes.  I pray that God is holding my family of four, close in his arms, together forever.  I pray for friends and family who I know hurt similar to my pain.  I pray for a little red haired girl, her baby brother, her parents and families.

I pray that He is holding YOU in His arms.