Ending up Somewhere...

We may throw the dice, but the Lord determines how they fall.

Proverbs 16:32

I'm not really sure what I'm posting about.  I just feel like you all deserve a little update.  Just read, I'm sure we'll end up somewhere...

I started Mackenzie's scrapbook today.  I was very edgy, just ask Jeff.  I was worried about Anna touching my supplies and worried about loosing my focus.  I didn't want to be interupted.  Working on a scrapbook can be so intimate, no matter what the subject matter.  Seeing that the focus of this book is my daughter, whom I will never get to know, makes it so sensitive.  As I worked on this book today, I felt so close to my little girl, like I am getting to know her.  The closest I've felt to her in a long time.  I often wonder if she's with me... you know, sitting beside me and Anna on the couch, giggling as we watch Toopy and Binou.  Was she with me today as I let the tears fall on her beautiful pictures?   How do I know? 

Some days I wonder if Anna is more in tune with her sister then I am.  Today, as I was trying to explain what I was doing, working on this special book, Anna asked, "Special book for Anna, Mommy?".  I responded with a resounding "Yes."  I told her it is a special book for Anna to remember her baby sister.  And that when Mommy was done making it, Anna could have this special book.  "Oh, book about Mackenzie Mary, thanks momma."  was her response...  What???  Yes, we did name Mackenzie, Mackenzie Mary... but we don't call her that on a day to day basis.  We call her Mackenzie or as Anna calls her, "Kenzie".  Where did Anna pick up on the "Mary"?  I never refer to our angel by her first and second names.  Yes, both are on the cross stitch in the girls' room, but Anna can't read... 

I don't know, maybe I'm to sensitive to these things.  But maybe Anna is more aware then even I am.  When she used her sister's full name, I teared up.  To me, those are little signs...  even if just little signs that Anna has not forgotten her baby sister.  If Mackenzie isn't sitting with me everyday, I pray that she is close to her older sister.

I've been really going through a lot of emotions lately.  I started seeing a counselor last week.  I really like her.  She has faith.  When I made biblical reference she could reference right along with me.  This put me at ease.  I realized she is a woman of faith when I answered her question, "Did you ever think it was your fault?"  She was shocked when I responded, "Yes, until last Monday."  Then I told her my revelation through John 9:1-11 and about my post on guilt.  She knew what I was talking about.  My works fear was that I would get stuck with someone who didn't get that part of my life.  She asked me some great questions.  The last question she asked me was, "Where do you think you are in the grief process?"  I probably blushed... and replied, "I think I'm at the beginning..."

I have been blessed with a wonderful group of friends.  They are from all across our great country.  They have been there for me.  Many of these mommies have had a second baby, since our April 2009 babes.  A couple were due right around the same time as I was with Mackenzie, and many of them have had a baby in the last 5.5 months since our loss.  One had her baby in the last 24hrs.  I love seeing the pictures of their little ones, hearing the stories of their day to day lives... Last week, as I typed a note to another special friend, I realized it.  I will never see my baby girls first smile.  That astonishing thought ruined me.  My chest pounded as I continued to write that note, unvailing the pain in my discovery.  I watch my fellow mommas in real life, and online, share with delight the photos of baby's first smile and I love it, but still, it hurts my heart.  Please keep sharing. 

I will will never know my daughters first smile, the first giggles, the first time she roles over, the first time she calls me "momma".  I will never know the sound of her sweet voice.  I will never give her a bath.  It hurts oh so bad.  It makes me feel sick.  But to know that you, my friends, get to experience all those wonderful, cherishable moments, makes my heart sing.  Your bliss makes me feel so happy.  To know you're little ones are healthy and that you are delirious with every first...  I know when you post those beautiful photos, that you will never feel this pain.  I never want you to feel this pain.  I know some of you have.

Well, did I end up somewhere?