If you're still waiting, I apologize. I know you may be wanting to know how that ultrasound went. Here's the short version:
I got there early, you know the half hour. I go to the desk to "check in" and the receptionist informs me my appoint was at 12:30 not 2:30... nice I was told the wrong time by my clinic... I explained and told her I had driven 170 kms. I was asked to wait, and they'd try and get me in.
As I was waiting, I noticed that the same lady who did Mackenzie's last ultrasound was there... but what were the chances? I tried to shrug it off. I waited until 3:15 and I got in. Through God's grace somebody called in and said they'd be late. Well the person was already late cause they weren't there early :) So I got his/her spot.
Someone called my name, I look up... and yep, it's her. She doesn't remember me, she's has done 1,000's of exams since that fateful one of mine... she had me lay down on that same table, same room as I stared at the same picture on the wall... It was awful. I held back what I call, "The Oprah ugly cry", but tears streamed down my cheeks.
The tech did have me roll around and she did some scans on my sides, kinda on my back... I wasn't sure why. Again, like my last visit, things were nervy, not much small talk all business. She told me that she hoped to see me again under a different circumstance. Sigh...
I went in to my doctor's office a week later for my results. When he walked in the room he greeted me with a hello and asked how things were. Then he told me, "Well, we went in for one thing and we ended up finding something else". What??? He told me that my ovaries, tubes, uterus, everything was right spot on. Picture perfect. He even sounded surprised when he told me there were follicles. But, "She found a cyst on one of your kidneys..." I really didn't want to talk kidneys, I was more focused on my next steps with the infertility.
Since he is stumped, I will be referred to a gynaecologist at the Grey Nuns in Edmonton (where I had Mackenzie). Most likely it will take 3 months to even here back about the booking. But another doctor mine consulted with suggested this because fertility clinics give priority to patients referred to by a gyno over a G.P.
A few days later there was a message on our home phone, my doctor again. He had consulted yet another colleague, who suggest I also have an MRI?! Don't worry I'm confused to. Sounds like they just want to rule out that it could be my "wiring" lol.
As for the cyst, he explained that it's probably nothing and may go away on it's own. I didn't ask a lot of questions, I was really more concentrated on the first issue at hand. I was told that I'd have to do some more ultrasounds for a while just to watch the cyst and make sure it's not growing or changing. I just heard from the clinic today, the next appointment is January 11, 2013.
There you are, you may have given up on me, and quit checking in... I apologize. It took a while for all that to sink into my head.
In the mean time, I may try going to a natural path in Edmonton that specialized in fertility. I haven't decided yet. For now we will just enjoy the holidays (or try too).
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
18 months in MY shoes
If you are reading this today, chances are you are familiar with the journey God is guiding us along... knowing what we've been through, would you dare put my shoes on?
My shoes are not stylish, they are not clean, they don't shine with any bling. These shoes are not colorful, yet that do stand out in some crowds. It's not often that my shoes get cleaned up, or repaired... most of the time, I just wear them for what they are... My shoes are rather wide (a hereditary thing) - so I doubt you'd want to wear my shoes at all.
If you have not even slid your feet into my shoes, don't bother to try and understand that the road that my shoes take me down is a lot different then the road that your shoes may go. We all have those rainy days where it seems like there is nothing we can do to keep our shoes clean, and our feet dry. Days upon days that you feel like your shoes will forever smell like you just stepped in dog doo doo. How do your shoes affect your day??? How do your shoes affect your life? How do your shoes affect your family?
Here's the thing... Until you've been in my shoes, don't expect that I can live in the same way you do. Don't judge why tears come quickly, marking paths down my flushed cheeks. You will never understand the way I wear my shoes has changed me forever.
I have walked in these shoes down a road so long, at times very narrow, dark, dingy and forever tumbling further - constantly in auto pilot.
I have done the bare minimum in many areas of life because that was all I could do. In many ways, I now have to return to different road blocks and try to remove them. Today one of the constructions zones we hit was dicipline... oh the 3.5 yr old, who has been coddled my her mommy a little to much.
Unless you are willing to put these shoes on, you won't know what it is like to hear her cry out for me, when she is scared of being scolded - because it is kinda a new thing. The momma bear in me wants to (and usually does) want to comfort her and take all her fears away. I know this is definitely not a really good thing. It's hard after you've lost a whole year of ground work because of torrential rains. You have to go back when things start to clear up, and start further back then where you left off. You have to slowly pick up the pieces of your life, that were neglected for so long because they weren't essential for survival.
I hear two voices when Anna cries out for me. I hear her voice, and a soft angelic one too. I can't stand to let her down, and believe for even one second that I won't do everything I possibly can to be there for her. I feel like I can't fail Anna's cries the way I failed previously... She has become as attached to me, as I have to her.
Today, Mackenzie, would be 18 months old. Yesterday, I did exactly what I did 18 months previous. I walked into the same clinic, at the same time of day, lay on the same cool, paper lined bed, listened to the same silence, as the same technician worked on me, as I stared at the same picture, on the same wall, of the same room, with silent tears rippling down my face - the same way they did 18 months ago.
My shoes are not stylish, they are not clean, they don't shine with any bling. These shoes are not colorful, yet that do stand out in some crowds. It's not often that my shoes get cleaned up, or repaired... most of the time, I just wear them for what they are... My shoes are rather wide (a hereditary thing) - so I doubt you'd want to wear my shoes at all.
If you have not even slid your feet into my shoes, don't bother to try and understand that the road that my shoes take me down is a lot different then the road that your shoes may go. We all have those rainy days where it seems like there is nothing we can do to keep our shoes clean, and our feet dry. Days upon days that you feel like your shoes will forever smell like you just stepped in dog doo doo. How do your shoes affect your day??? How do your shoes affect your life? How do your shoes affect your family?
Here's the thing... Until you've been in my shoes, don't expect that I can live in the same way you do. Don't judge why tears come quickly, marking paths down my flushed cheeks. You will never understand the way I wear my shoes has changed me forever.
I have walked in these shoes down a road so long, at times very narrow, dark, dingy and forever tumbling further - constantly in auto pilot.
I have done the bare minimum in many areas of life because that was all I could do. In many ways, I now have to return to different road blocks and try to remove them. Today one of the constructions zones we hit was dicipline... oh the 3.5 yr old, who has been coddled my her mommy a little to much.
Unless you are willing to put these shoes on, you won't know what it is like to hear her cry out for me, when she is scared of being scolded - because it is kinda a new thing. The momma bear in me wants to (and usually does) want to comfort her and take all her fears away. I know this is definitely not a really good thing. It's hard after you've lost a whole year of ground work because of torrential rains. You have to go back when things start to clear up, and start further back then where you left off. You have to slowly pick up the pieces of your life, that were neglected for so long because they weren't essential for survival.
I hear two voices when Anna cries out for me. I hear her voice, and a soft angelic one too. I can't stand to let her down, and believe for even one second that I won't do everything I possibly can to be there for her. I feel like I can't fail Anna's cries the way I failed previously... She has become as attached to me, as I have to her.
Today, Mackenzie, would be 18 months old. Yesterday, I did exactly what I did 18 months previous. I walked into the same clinic, at the same time of day, lay on the same cool, paper lined bed, listened to the same silence, as the same technician worked on me, as I stared at the same picture, on the same wall, of the same room, with silent tears rippling down my face - the same way they did 18 months ago.
Mackenzie,
When I think of holding you, 18 months seems like an eternity ago...
When my heart aches and the tears come, it seems like yesterday...
Love, Mommy
Your word is a lamp to my feet
and a light to my path.
Psalm 119:105
Wednesday, November 07, 2012
Patience in Suffering
I'm in a moment these days... and I just opened my daily prayer book and this is what I found:
Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, preserve in prayer.
Romans 12:12
I am having a very hard time rejoicing these days... my patience is wearing thin as I experience the depth of my loss on a different level... and prayer, well it seems to have gone out the window lately.
Where is this coming from? you may ask... Well, I just started round three of taking progesterone to try and get my body to work. Round one was not productive, with my doctor insuring me that round 2 would surely be better. Well round two was even worse then round one.
I ended up at my doctor's office last week with a nasty cold. I told the receptionist that I didn't have to see my doctor that anyone would do. It was nice to overhear my doctor insist he would see me even if he was going to be late for his rounds at the hospital. He asked me how everything was going and if the hormone treatment was working. When I told him I've had no results he was a little shocked. He told me that he was sending me for an ultrasound. I reminded him that I already had a prebooked appointment with him on the 21st of this month, so he told me he'd get me in before then.
So, yes, I am happy that we're being even more proactive on figuring this out. And I'm pretty sure that he now realises that it's not just in my head.
The clinic called with my date and apologised for not getting me in to Camrose, but having to schedule me Edmonton. Really no big deal, especially since they got me in, totally by chance, for the day that I am picking up some loved ones at the airport. What are the chances!! Now I don't have to make two trips! So I laughed about that... until, she told me where I was going. Usually my doctor send his patients to Sherwood Park, right outside of Edmonton, however there was nothing available. So as fate will have it, I will return to the same clinic I will have been at exactly 18 months prior, minus only a half hour... The same clinic where my worst fears were confirmed. Really?? You're making me go back to the place I never ever wanted to go back to?? The last time I was there it was May 20th, 2011 for a 3p.m. appointment, I'll walk in there again at 2:30p.m. on November 20th, 2012.
Ugh! To some people this may seem trivial. To me it's not. To top it off, yes, I go to the doctor the next day, 18 months to the day of Mackenzie's birthday. blah Of course they are going to try and rush the results so the doctor has them. And I don't want to have to go days not knowing... but really? I'm not sure what to think.
So I hope that we don't get repetitious negative news...
As for suffering and patience... If there is one thing many people could tell you, it's that i am not patient. This 18 month marker that is just around the corner, is really lingering on my mind. What does 18 months mean to you?? For me it's seeing the little girls at Anna's daycare, and trying to compare them to what I should have. This one little sweetheart came and sat on my knee yesterday when I picked up Anna. She was just so sweet. I couldn't help but remind myself to keep breathing... even though there are times like this when you wish the air would just be sucked right out of you. I couldn't help but pretend for only a moment that it was Mackenzie sitting on my knee...
So I suffer this unpredictable right of passage, that never seems to end, maybe if it does, I'll find patience waiting for me on the other side.
Prayer... Another blogging mommy wrote on her blog, some time ago, how she was having a hard time praying... I totally understood where she was coming from. It's not a belief or trust issue... For me it's my heart aches so loudly that I know God can already hear me. I ask you to pray for me... cause maybe your prayer will sound just a little different then mine and your prayer will touch on some small, yet relevant, piece I've missed.
So I ask for your prayers. Pray that God will hold my hand when I walk into that clinic on the 20th. Pray that there will be no major issues to overcome after we receive the results of the ultrasound. Pray that the grief and suffering will be kind to me. Pray that Jeff and I will continue to try to understand each other through this process. Pray that Anna will continue to be the beautiful blessing of our lives, that we never take for granted any moment we have.
Thank you for continuing to check in with me here, I know that I've been lost lately, but eventually I always find my way back here.
Lots of Love,
Tyann
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Whispers to Heaven and "Lost"
My dear readers, thank you for patiently waiting for me to write something. I have been very lost as to what to write this last month or so. Maybe because that's how grief works. You think you've got all the fog cleared away, and even though you wandered so slowly and mindlessly in the fog for a long time, you think you have your foot on the right path and there it is... that fog closes in on you... again.
It could also be the change of seasons again. I find some of the seasonal changes hard. Maybe this one in particular because I really don't like being cold. As I see the leaves falling to the ground, being swirled around together, I also see the days that have fallen behind me. The days that have come and gone with out my precious daughter, days that I still question what could have went so tragically wrong to take my perfectly beautiful daughter from me, days that go by that I find no success with the treatment I'm on to try to conceive. As these days get lost in the rustling of the leaves, as the wind swirls that fog in around me once more, I can't help but question the plan... I know I should not question it, for only He knows what is meant for my life...
I don't question my faith in God himself, nor am I saying I question Him in the way of anger. I think I question more along the line of, what is the whole beauty of this journey of loss? For what beautiful ending have I lost such a precious child? I've heard to many times people say that God is making room for more in my life... but what is it?? Maybe I am questioning my faith? I honestly don't know. Am I?? Please, to my good Christian friends, many who have more biblical knowledge then myself, what is the answer??
I feel I am lost again... the emotions swirling high around me. It's a year the end of this week, that I took a 2.5 month leave from work. A year. Those days fallen behind me, endlessly raked together in to heaps, only to be tossed around and muddled together by the wind.
Dear Mackenzie,
Hi sweetheart, it's flu season. I had to get my shot at work today. It was last year that a really sweet and lovely health nurse/coworker, took the time to really, sincerely ask me how I was. She was the one who let me know it was ok to still be grieving and hurting. She made me recognize that I needed some more time...
I had to call the health unit about getting my immunizations updated. They must have "lost a baby" written on my file. As soon as she referred to my file she "knew" who I was. I'm the girl who "lost" her baby. She asked me how far in my pregnancy I was when you were "lost". Does it matter? When I get asked that question I always say "full term, 38 weeks". I feel the need for people to know that. You were in my tummy long enough to be fully developed.
I met grandpa, grandma and your big sister, Anna at the hall so we could get Anna's flu shot done. When grandma got hers done, she was with the nurse I had talked to earlier this morning. The nurse asked grandma if she was my mom. Grandma responded that she was my mother-in-law. The nurse told grandma how they, the nurses, just loved me. I think I was fresh in her mind... and who can't handle a little extra love?
Kenzie, momma's car is on the fritz, is getting time to get a new one... it's been suggested I get a mini van!! much to your daddy's horror!! I'm not so sure. What if we don't have any more little ones to fill all those empty seats?? We always thought that by the time my Jeep kicked the bucket, that we'd need to upgrade to a larger size SUV, now I'm thinking smaller, better fuel economy.
I'm not saying I'm giving up on providing you a younger sibling so you can be a big sister like Anna. I'm just not so sure it's in the plan. Anna was talking about you today. In a small, perhaps, but the impact on me was great. I had bought a gift for a birthday party we're attending next weekend and when she saw it she asked me if it was for her sister. I told her, "No, honey, your sister is in Heaven, remember? This is for your friend."
I hear all the time people referencing us having baby #2. Well, I'm not hoping to have baby #2, cause that's you. People ask how many children we have, I say two. How will Anna answer that question of "Do you have any brothers and sisters?" The other kids at daycare have questioned who you are when Anna talks about you. It's probably confusing because the other kids who have siblings go to daycare with their siblings, yet Anna arrives alone.
I can remember when I was taking Anna to daycare last summer that one little girl of about 4 yrs old, saw that I wasn't pregnant anymore, and she excitedly asked me what I had. Of course with this sweet girl I was just able to say, "We had a little girl, her name is Mackenzie," just as if you were waiting in the car outside...
I hope you're following this crazy path I'm weaving tonight!! Mommy better say goodnight. Sweet dreams baby girl! I miss you!
Love forever,
Mommy
P.S. Oh and please watch at the gates for a sweet, curly red headed girl. Her name is Stella, her mommies say she's getting her wings pretty soon. I know Heaven is a wonderful, happy place, but I think her mommies will be happy to know you'll be their to help Jesus welcome her home. I think you'll just love her! She's very fiesty!
It could also be the change of seasons again. I find some of the seasonal changes hard. Maybe this one in particular because I really don't like being cold. As I see the leaves falling to the ground, being swirled around together, I also see the days that have fallen behind me. The days that have come and gone with out my precious daughter, days that I still question what could have went so tragically wrong to take my perfectly beautiful daughter from me, days that go by that I find no success with the treatment I'm on to try to conceive. As these days get lost in the rustling of the leaves, as the wind swirls that fog in around me once more, I can't help but question the plan... I know I should not question it, for only He knows what is meant for my life...
I don't question my faith in God himself, nor am I saying I question Him in the way of anger. I think I question more along the line of, what is the whole beauty of this journey of loss? For what beautiful ending have I lost such a precious child? I've heard to many times people say that God is making room for more in my life... but what is it?? Maybe I am questioning my faith? I honestly don't know. Am I?? Please, to my good Christian friends, many who have more biblical knowledge then myself, what is the answer??
I feel I am lost again... the emotions swirling high around me. It's a year the end of this week, that I took a 2.5 month leave from work. A year. Those days fallen behind me, endlessly raked together in to heaps, only to be tossed around and muddled together by the wind.
God said, "Ask what I should give you."
1 Kings 3:5
Dear Mackenzie,
Hi sweetheart, it's flu season. I had to get my shot at work today. It was last year that a really sweet and lovely health nurse/coworker, took the time to really, sincerely ask me how I was. She was the one who let me know it was ok to still be grieving and hurting. She made me recognize that I needed some more time...
I had to call the health unit about getting my immunizations updated. They must have "lost a baby" written on my file. As soon as she referred to my file she "knew" who I was. I'm the girl who "lost" her baby. She asked me how far in my pregnancy I was when you were "lost". Does it matter? When I get asked that question I always say "full term, 38 weeks". I feel the need for people to know that. You were in my tummy long enough to be fully developed.
I met grandpa, grandma and your big sister, Anna at the hall so we could get Anna's flu shot done. When grandma got hers done, she was with the nurse I had talked to earlier this morning. The nurse asked grandma if she was my mom. Grandma responded that she was my mother-in-law. The nurse told grandma how they, the nurses, just loved me. I think I was fresh in her mind... and who can't handle a little extra love?
Kenzie, momma's car is on the fritz, is getting time to get a new one... it's been suggested I get a mini van!! much to your daddy's horror!! I'm not so sure. What if we don't have any more little ones to fill all those empty seats?? We always thought that by the time my Jeep kicked the bucket, that we'd need to upgrade to a larger size SUV, now I'm thinking smaller, better fuel economy.
I'm not saying I'm giving up on providing you a younger sibling so you can be a big sister like Anna. I'm just not so sure it's in the plan. Anna was talking about you today. In a small, perhaps, but the impact on me was great. I had bought a gift for a birthday party we're attending next weekend and when she saw it she asked me if it was for her sister. I told her, "No, honey, your sister is in Heaven, remember? This is for your friend."
I hear all the time people referencing us having baby #2. Well, I'm not hoping to have baby #2, cause that's you. People ask how many children we have, I say two. How will Anna answer that question of "Do you have any brothers and sisters?" The other kids at daycare have questioned who you are when Anna talks about you. It's probably confusing because the other kids who have siblings go to daycare with their siblings, yet Anna arrives alone.
I can remember when I was taking Anna to daycare last summer that one little girl of about 4 yrs old, saw that I wasn't pregnant anymore, and she excitedly asked me what I had. Of course with this sweet girl I was just able to say, "We had a little girl, her name is Mackenzie," just as if you were waiting in the car outside...
I hope you're following this crazy path I'm weaving tonight!! Mommy better say goodnight. Sweet dreams baby girl! I miss you!
Love forever,
Mommy
P.S. Oh and please watch at the gates for a sweet, curly red headed girl. Her name is Stella, her mommies say she's getting her wings pretty soon. I know Heaven is a wonderful, happy place, but I think her mommies will be happy to know you'll be their to help Jesus welcome her home. I think you'll just love her! She's very fiesty!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
A Walk ro Remember 2012
The sun was shining, a nice breeze was blowing, the day was beautiful...
The emotions were not so overwhelming...
For our family, this year's Walk was more of a celebration and a day for Mackenzie, we shed no tears, but quietly remembered.
I don't want to overwhelm you with words and thoughts, so here are the pictures of our day. Just as a note, the teddy bears are donated and distributed to the Edmonton area hospitals for families who've endure infant loss. There were no baloons this year, as their is a helium shortage in Canada, so we blew bubbles.
Sorry this post took so long to make it to you! Thanks for your patience. This was the forth time I worked on it! Every previous attempt got deleted before all the photos loaded and saved!!
The emotions were not so overwhelming...
For our family, this year's Walk was more of a celebration and a day for Mackenzie, we shed no tears, but quietly remembered.
I don't want to overwhelm you with words and thoughts, so here are the pictures of our day. Just as a note, the teddy bears are donated and distributed to the Edmonton area hospitals for families who've endure infant loss. There were no baloons this year, as their is a helium shortage in Canada, so we blew bubbles.
Sorry this post took so long to make it to you! Thanks for your patience. This was the forth time I worked on it! Every previous attempt got deleted before all the photos loaded and saved!!
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Thanking God for an Angel Watching Over Me
God, you really do work in mysterious ways.
Today, while I was driving down the highway, about 5 Km from my house, I almost broadsided a horse. It was around 7:10, sun was just coming up and was making rainbow colors in the sky. I was coming up a steep hill and could see these 3 horses running in their pasture to my right. They were all running really fast. Our neighbour had just built a new fence, but left up the old one. I figured these horses were going to pass the old fence but have to stop at the new one. As I peaked the hill I realised that they were going way to fast to stop at the fence and that the gate must be open. I started to slam on the breaks. Squealing breaks, tires, the whole bit. I came to a complete stop just as the the first horse passed in front of me. He was just within inches of my bumper. The other two horses reared up and stopped just within inches of my driver door.
After getting ahold of the owner, I headed back out on the road, thanking God that I could go to work this morning. I was feeling very blessed. Had I broadsided that horse, it would have came right through my windshield, most likely doing me a lot of damage. Anna, was safely tucked into her car seat. Thankfully I am very very very strict about car seats being installed properly (just ask our parents and friends!). When I asked Anna if she was ok she stated, quite simply, "I'm fine!" What a kid!!
I have to wonder if our little Mackenzie angel was with us this morning. I'm pretty sure she was and so was God.
Feeling very very thankful!
Today, while I was driving down the highway, about 5 Km from my house, I almost broadsided a horse. It was around 7:10, sun was just coming up and was making rainbow colors in the sky. I was coming up a steep hill and could see these 3 horses running in their pasture to my right. They were all running really fast. Our neighbour had just built a new fence, but left up the old one. I figured these horses were going to pass the old fence but have to stop at the new one. As I peaked the hill I realised that they were going way to fast to stop at the fence and that the gate must be open. I started to slam on the breaks. Squealing breaks, tires, the whole bit. I came to a complete stop just as the the first horse passed in front of me. He was just within inches of my bumper. The other two horses reared up and stopped just within inches of my driver door.
After getting ahold of the owner, I headed back out on the road, thanking God that I could go to work this morning. I was feeling very blessed. Had I broadsided that horse, it would have came right through my windshield, most likely doing me a lot of damage. Anna, was safely tucked into her car seat. Thankfully I am very very very strict about car seats being installed properly (just ask our parents and friends!). When I asked Anna if she was ok she stated, quite simply, "I'm fine!" What a kid!!
I have to wonder if our little Mackenzie angel was with us this morning. I'm pretty sure she was and so was God.
Feeling very very thankful!
Friday, September 14, 2012
Ok! Here's blog post #100! And as promised some guest writers for you.
S - SWEET LITTLE GIRL, ANNA
U - UNITING HER FAMILY WITH LOVE
N - NUGGLING WITH MOMMY AND DADDY
S - SMILING WITH GIGANTIC DIMPLES
H - HUGGING HER MACKENZIE BEAR
I - IMAGINING EVERY RAINBOW IS SPECIAL
N - NEVER AFRAID TO REACH FOR THE STARS
E - ENJOYING LIFE
&
R - REMINDS US OF OUR LITTLE ANGEL
A - ALWAYS ON OUR MIND
I - IT WAS SO HARD TO LET YOU GO
N - NOT FULLY UNDERSTANDING, WHY!
B - BABY YOU WERE SO WANTED
O - OH, LORD TAKE CARE OF OUR ANGEL
W - WE PRAY FOR MACKENZIE’S HAPPINESS
S - SHE IS A SPECIAL RAINBOW
Grandma Lukan found a dove or angel in the sky.
Mackenzie visiting Grandma Lukan on her kitchen floor.
Submitted by Grandma Joan Lukan, my mom
Little Miss Mackenzie what a wonderful little girl you are. Yes, I am your Aunty and for some reason we seem to have a special connection. I am not sure why we do, but we do and I simply enjoy it rather than try to figure it out. For whatever reason Mackenzie loves to visit me at work or when I am travelling to work. She come to me through songs on the radio or beautiful rainbows in the sky. I rarely see rainbows other than when I am in my "office", a locomotive engine. Most often Mackenzie and I have our time together either Thursdays of Fridays....like I said I don't know why, I just enjoy. These two days I am always on the look out for rain storms coming and then I patiently wait for Mackenzie to appear in a rainbow. Sometimes she come in a bright single rainbow or two faded ones or some days she decided not to come, but I still think of her and she brings a smile to my lips.
When I think of Mackenzie I don't think of her as a tiny little baby, but a young girl perhaps she is around 4 or 5. You may wonder, " Why would you see Mackenzie not as a baby?" Well, the answer is simply....I was her in a painting. I had been searching and searching for the perfect gift to give Tyann, Jeff and Anna in memory of Mackenzie and I walked into an art store in Red Deer and there I saw Mackenzie. I don't think I've ever told Tyann about this picture, because first of all I can't afford this picture for them and secondly the picture might not have the same impact on them as it did for me (instead that same day I met a portrait artist from Red Deer who did a portrait of Mackenzie for Tyann, Jeff, Anna and both sets of grandparents).
This is the picture I was....Butterfly by Michael Godard.
Honestly, this picture does not do the actual print any justice, but it's the best I found online.
This is my Mackenzie, a beautiful little girl flying on a butterfly in the bright blue sky. I believe she's up in the clouds flying on her butterfly watching all of us and dropping off rainbows to those she wants to touch that day. When she's not checking up on people she is a little dare devil on her butterfly! Yes, she's zipping under, over and through clouds giggling and squealing. I love watching the clouds and wonder if she's chasing them as the clouds race by. I think Mackenzie is probably doing things that would make her mother's toes curl and her father smile his little smile.
Mackenzie, although we never had time together here on earth I feel very blessed that you visit me so often by dropping off a rainbow for me. You make me smile and laugh to myself. I hope that you are able to hear the little messages that I send you and that they touch your heart as you touch mine. Aunty loves you very much and I look forward to maybe riding with you on your butterfly one day.
Now for my little sister...I wish I could say that I knew how you feel, but I don't know what it feels like to have lost a child. I know that when I read your blog my heart aches for you and I have tears running down my cheeks. Maybe if I multiply my feelings by a 100 or more, then maybe that is what you feel. But still it is not the same and I try not to think that I have felt what you have felt or still do feel. I honestly, wish I knew how I could carry some of your burden for you and have some weight lifted from your shoulders. I wish I could tell you when all your dreams and wishes will come true, but I can't. Tyann, you are an amazing woman that I am proud to call my sister. I do want you to know that I am always here for you to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, and a friend to laugh with. Even though I may not show my emotion and support the way most people do, I will always be your big sister and will be by your side when you call on me.
Submitted by Aunty Leslie Lukan, my sister
My story of love and loss.
While maybe sometimes we feel like we’re floating around, I think most of us have an idea of which way life is headed. Be a kid, graduate high school; find something meaningful to do as an adult. Many of us also choose the family route. You know, find a good man, fall in love, get married, and have babies. Live life with a full heart and see what comes up. Having babies was always my calling I have dreamt of being a mother for as long as I can remember.
I had no idea that a heart could be full and empty at the same time. How could I know that the heartbreaking beauty of a tiny baby could be pain at its peak? There were a lot of things I didn’t know. At this time last year I was planning that second baby. I had been blessed with one perfect healthy beautiful child so full of life and love. And I was seeking another. Oh how naive I was. I knew of loss. Beautiful Mackenzie, she broke my heart. When Mackenzie was born to heaven, I was trying to conceive and put on blinders unable to contemplate the pain that Tyann and her family was going through. I couldn’t think of it without crying without my heart hurting. I always enjoyed reading Tyann posts I already felt a connection at this point but just didn’t know how to emotional deal with her loss. Oh how selfish, and naive.
God brings people together in so many ways, some unconventional. With the internet those conventions are changing. Some 4 years ago I was trying to find information about my pregnancy and I unknowingly changed a big part of my life. I found my Awesome Mamas on Baby Centre. Oh the things that we have shared (and perhaps over shared???) in the past 4 years!! But that was only the very beginning.
Fast forward to January 2012, I was comfortably pregnant, thinking everything was fabulous I already had a beautiful healthy daughter at home. I went for a dating u/s at 12 weeks; I think I even fibbed a little so I could get in early. It didn’t go as I thought, when I went back a week later for my results I was told that it was possible that our baby had what is called an omphalocele, a disorder where the stomach and other internal organs are on the outside instead of the inside. But my dr reassured me that it was possible that the dates were off that in the world of a tiny fetus 5 days could make a world of difference. I left the office with an appointment for a follow up u/s and confidence that it was a dating issue.
A week later my world started to crumble. It was confirmed that our baby did in fact have an omphalocele and we would have to go to Vancouver for further testing. Tyann was one of the first to offer me comfort. She virtually held my hand and gave me hope. I had so much hope, I was so frightened and so full of heartache and fear. But I still had hope that with our wonderful access to dr in our wonderful country that there was hope that they could fix him. January 19th I was in Vancouver for an in-depth, painfully long and silent u/s the last half hour was done by a kind lady dr. After two and half hours of silent torture I finally broke and asked her if she could tell me if I was having a boy or a girl. I knew the moments the words were out of my mouth that things were very bad. She told me that usually at 17 weeks they wouldn’t tell but under the circumstance she didn’t see any harm. We were having a baby boy. A baby boy that was not compatible with life. Those are the words she said “I’m so sorry but your baby is not compatible with life” the room really did go dark, my heart I’m not sure if it stopped or accelerated, my ears couldn’t hear just a loud roaring and somebody sobbing. I instantly felt sick and claustrophobic. I looked at my poor dear husband with begging eyes, hoping that he could change what I just heard, but he just sat there as helpless and heartbroken as me.
Not compatible with life? Not compatible with life, not compatible with holding him in my arms and nursing him, of first smiles, first laughs, of swinging on swings or running through the park. Not compatible with snuggling with his mama, or fighting with his sister. Not compatible with birthdays, and cake and skinned knees, and broken hearts and best friends. Not compatible with life.
The dr walked us through our u/s our dear son had so many things wrong, the little things, his hands were unable to open, he had a clubbed foot and rockers heal, the bigger things, spinal bifida, several large holes in his heart, and of course the omphalocele which contained, his stomach, liver and intestines. We got pictures like a normal u/s pictures but it was such a blur. I left that awful room to throw up in the bathroom and be ushered into a room to talk to councillors. I will leave that part of the story, it doesn’t get any better.
As soon as I got home I updated my Awesome Mamas (the group we had become) and stated writing back and forth a lot with Tyann and another mama Jenny. Without those two particular women I am positive I would have ended up hospitalized. They both held my hand, gave my feelings validation. They both shared their personal stories of loss. I got to know Mackenzie and Thomas; I can now picture them in my mind. They are both never far from my thoughts. I knew at this point that my son would be joining them in heaven all too soon.
On Februaury 23, 2012 I went into labour at our local hospital, with my husband at my side, I was 5 months pregnant. I was so sad, I refused to leave the bed, I was in pain, emotional and physical. I was heavily drugged and for a moment my husband left me alone, he needed to get a drink… I’m not sure. I called Tyann, it’s the only time I ever actually talked to her and heard her voice. I don’t remember what I said I don’t really remember what she said. But I remember that I didn’t feel alone while I talked her, I remembered feeling like she understood how I hurt. I remember wishing that NOBODY should know that pain and sadness. But she knew, and she was able to open her heart and hold my hand, to comfort me and remind me to breath.
I gave birth at 3 am on the 24th, when my water broke, I screamed, not in pain, but in heartache. I was not ready to say goodbye, it happened too fast. But 2 pushes later, they placed the body of my broken baby in my arms and my tears stopped. I don’t know why I don’t know if was the endorphins of labour or just how tiny and perfect he was to my eyes, but my tears just stopped.
Life and love are different. Perhaps he was incompatible with life, but I love him as much as a mother can love her children. It has taken me time to reach the realization that he knows that I love him, that he could feel it while he was in my womb that he looks down from heaven and knows that he is missed.
I spent the next hours making as many memories as I could, I held him and kissed him, I sang to him and read to him. I read a letter from Jenny, another awesome mama, and a poem I found online. I talked to him and told him how much I wanted him and loved him. How there were mamas all over Canada that knew him, and cared. I told him to find Mackenzie and Thomas that they would be his brother and sister in heaven. I had pictures taken, and hand and foot prints done. And while the dr and nurses kept telling me he was broken, I told them he was perfect, I think they thought I was crazy. I understood he was sick I get that, but he was just so beautiful despite it all and so tiny. I will say that leaving him the next day was the hardest part of all, it felt so wrong like I was abandoning him, and I felt so empty, so impossibly empty.
Grieving is such an ongoing process, I know now that only time can make things easier. My pain has not gone away, and I still think of Jacob on a daily basis, but I no longer cry every single day. I have done a few things to help myself heal, we planted an apple tree on my due date, July 1st. I made a scrapbook of my favorite pictures. I have a corner in my dining room with his memory box and his ashes. One day we will lay him to rest but I’m not there yet, I am still unable to part with him completely. I have a monkey that another awesome mama gave me that’s sits in his corner to keep him company and a little precious moment’s ornament my mother gave me of a little boy and a lamb. I truly believe I will never stop grieving. He will ALWAYS be my first born son, a baby that I ached to have, and a part of my heart and soul.
I don’t know what Gods plans are for us, I don’t understand the lessons he feels we need to learn from such loss, but one good thing came from my loss and that is the friendships that I made, friendships that I have never before had, with strength and meaning. I have an understanding of compassion and loss, of how to treat others in pain and heartache. I believe now that nobody can judge and gauge another’s pain, for each of us feels our heartaches differently. If ever you come across a person who has lost a baby and you don’t know what to say, don’t do what I did and turn away, tell them your sad, and tell them not that, things happen for a reason (even if they do) just tell them that your there for them, that you can listen or just hold them. I promise you they will appreciate it. Tyann, Jenny and the other awesome mamas did that for me, and I will NEVER be able to thank them enough.
S - SWEET LITTLE GIRL, ANNA
U - UNITING HER FAMILY WITH LOVE
N - NUGGLING WITH MOMMY AND DADDY
S - SMILING WITH GIGANTIC DIMPLES
H - HUGGING HER MACKENZIE BEAR
I - IMAGINING EVERY RAINBOW IS SPECIAL
N - NEVER AFRAID TO REACH FOR THE STARS
E - ENJOYING LIFE
&
R - REMINDS US OF OUR LITTLE ANGEL
A - ALWAYS ON OUR MIND
I - IT WAS SO HARD TO LET YOU GO
N - NOT FULLY UNDERSTANDING, WHY!
B - BABY YOU WERE SO WANTED
O - OH, LORD TAKE CARE OF OUR ANGEL
W - WE PRAY FOR MACKENZIE’S HAPPINESS
S - SHE IS A SPECIAL RAINBOW
Grandma Lukan found a dove or angel in the sky.
Mackenzie visiting Grandma Lukan on her kitchen floor.
Submitted by Grandma Joan Lukan, my mom
* * *
Little Miss Mackenzie what a wonderful little girl you are. Yes, I am your Aunty and for some reason we seem to have a special connection. I am not sure why we do, but we do and I simply enjoy it rather than try to figure it out. For whatever reason Mackenzie loves to visit me at work or when I am travelling to work. She come to me through songs on the radio or beautiful rainbows in the sky. I rarely see rainbows other than when I am in my "office", a locomotive engine. Most often Mackenzie and I have our time together either Thursdays of Fridays....like I said I don't know why, I just enjoy. These two days I am always on the look out for rain storms coming and then I patiently wait for Mackenzie to appear in a rainbow. Sometimes she come in a bright single rainbow or two faded ones or some days she decided not to come, but I still think of her and she brings a smile to my lips.
When I think of Mackenzie I don't think of her as a tiny little baby, but a young girl perhaps she is around 4 or 5. You may wonder, " Why would you see Mackenzie not as a baby?" Well, the answer is simply....I was her in a painting. I had been searching and searching for the perfect gift to give Tyann, Jeff and Anna in memory of Mackenzie and I walked into an art store in Red Deer and there I saw Mackenzie. I don't think I've ever told Tyann about this picture, because first of all I can't afford this picture for them and secondly the picture might not have the same impact on them as it did for me (instead that same day I met a portrait artist from Red Deer who did a portrait of Mackenzie for Tyann, Jeff, Anna and both sets of grandparents).
This is the picture I was....Butterfly by Michael Godard.
Honestly, this picture does not do the actual print any justice, but it's the best I found online.
This is my Mackenzie, a beautiful little girl flying on a butterfly in the bright blue sky. I believe she's up in the clouds flying on her butterfly watching all of us and dropping off rainbows to those she wants to touch that day. When she's not checking up on people she is a little dare devil on her butterfly! Yes, she's zipping under, over and through clouds giggling and squealing. I love watching the clouds and wonder if she's chasing them as the clouds race by. I think Mackenzie is probably doing things that would make her mother's toes curl and her father smile his little smile.
Mackenzie, although we never had time together here on earth I feel very blessed that you visit me so often by dropping off a rainbow for me. You make me smile and laugh to myself. I hope that you are able to hear the little messages that I send you and that they touch your heart as you touch mine. Aunty loves you very much and I look forward to maybe riding with you on your butterfly one day.
Now for my little sister...I wish I could say that I knew how you feel, but I don't know what it feels like to have lost a child. I know that when I read your blog my heart aches for you and I have tears running down my cheeks. Maybe if I multiply my feelings by a 100 or more, then maybe that is what you feel. But still it is not the same and I try not to think that I have felt what you have felt or still do feel. I honestly, wish I knew how I could carry some of your burden for you and have some weight lifted from your shoulders. I wish I could tell you when all your dreams and wishes will come true, but I can't. Tyann, you are an amazing woman that I am proud to call my sister. I do want you to know that I am always here for you to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, and a friend to laugh with. Even though I may not show my emotion and support the way most people do, I will always be your big sister and will be by your side when you call on me.
Submitted by Aunty Leslie Lukan, my sister
* * *
My story of love and loss.
While maybe sometimes we feel like we’re floating around, I think most of us have an idea of which way life is headed. Be a kid, graduate high school; find something meaningful to do as an adult. Many of us also choose the family route. You know, find a good man, fall in love, get married, and have babies. Live life with a full heart and see what comes up. Having babies was always my calling I have dreamt of being a mother for as long as I can remember.
I had no idea that a heart could be full and empty at the same time. How could I know that the heartbreaking beauty of a tiny baby could be pain at its peak? There were a lot of things I didn’t know. At this time last year I was planning that second baby. I had been blessed with one perfect healthy beautiful child so full of life and love. And I was seeking another. Oh how naive I was. I knew of loss. Beautiful Mackenzie, she broke my heart. When Mackenzie was born to heaven, I was trying to conceive and put on blinders unable to contemplate the pain that Tyann and her family was going through. I couldn’t think of it without crying without my heart hurting. I always enjoyed reading Tyann posts I already felt a connection at this point but just didn’t know how to emotional deal with her loss. Oh how selfish, and naive.
God brings people together in so many ways, some unconventional. With the internet those conventions are changing. Some 4 years ago I was trying to find information about my pregnancy and I unknowingly changed a big part of my life. I found my Awesome Mamas on Baby Centre. Oh the things that we have shared (and perhaps over shared???) in the past 4 years!! But that was only the very beginning.
Fast forward to January 2012, I was comfortably pregnant, thinking everything was fabulous I already had a beautiful healthy daughter at home. I went for a dating u/s at 12 weeks; I think I even fibbed a little so I could get in early. It didn’t go as I thought, when I went back a week later for my results I was told that it was possible that our baby had what is called an omphalocele, a disorder where the stomach and other internal organs are on the outside instead of the inside. But my dr reassured me that it was possible that the dates were off that in the world of a tiny fetus 5 days could make a world of difference. I left the office with an appointment for a follow up u/s and confidence that it was a dating issue.
A week later my world started to crumble. It was confirmed that our baby did in fact have an omphalocele and we would have to go to Vancouver for further testing. Tyann was one of the first to offer me comfort. She virtually held my hand and gave me hope. I had so much hope, I was so frightened and so full of heartache and fear. But I still had hope that with our wonderful access to dr in our wonderful country that there was hope that they could fix him. January 19th I was in Vancouver for an in-depth, painfully long and silent u/s the last half hour was done by a kind lady dr. After two and half hours of silent torture I finally broke and asked her if she could tell me if I was having a boy or a girl. I knew the moments the words were out of my mouth that things were very bad. She told me that usually at 17 weeks they wouldn’t tell but under the circumstance she didn’t see any harm. We were having a baby boy. A baby boy that was not compatible with life. Those are the words she said “I’m so sorry but your baby is not compatible with life” the room really did go dark, my heart I’m not sure if it stopped or accelerated, my ears couldn’t hear just a loud roaring and somebody sobbing. I instantly felt sick and claustrophobic. I looked at my poor dear husband with begging eyes, hoping that he could change what I just heard, but he just sat there as helpless and heartbroken as me.
Not compatible with life? Not compatible with life, not compatible with holding him in my arms and nursing him, of first smiles, first laughs, of swinging on swings or running through the park. Not compatible with snuggling with his mama, or fighting with his sister. Not compatible with birthdays, and cake and skinned knees, and broken hearts and best friends. Not compatible with life.
The dr walked us through our u/s our dear son had so many things wrong, the little things, his hands were unable to open, he had a clubbed foot and rockers heal, the bigger things, spinal bifida, several large holes in his heart, and of course the omphalocele which contained, his stomach, liver and intestines. We got pictures like a normal u/s pictures but it was such a blur. I left that awful room to throw up in the bathroom and be ushered into a room to talk to councillors. I will leave that part of the story, it doesn’t get any better.
As soon as I got home I updated my Awesome Mamas (the group we had become) and stated writing back and forth a lot with Tyann and another mama Jenny. Without those two particular women I am positive I would have ended up hospitalized. They both held my hand, gave my feelings validation. They both shared their personal stories of loss. I got to know Mackenzie and Thomas; I can now picture them in my mind. They are both never far from my thoughts. I knew at this point that my son would be joining them in heaven all too soon.
On Februaury 23, 2012 I went into labour at our local hospital, with my husband at my side, I was 5 months pregnant. I was so sad, I refused to leave the bed, I was in pain, emotional and physical. I was heavily drugged and for a moment my husband left me alone, he needed to get a drink… I’m not sure. I called Tyann, it’s the only time I ever actually talked to her and heard her voice. I don’t remember what I said I don’t really remember what she said. But I remember that I didn’t feel alone while I talked her, I remembered feeling like she understood how I hurt. I remember wishing that NOBODY should know that pain and sadness. But she knew, and she was able to open her heart and hold my hand, to comfort me and remind me to breath.
I gave birth at 3 am on the 24th, when my water broke, I screamed, not in pain, but in heartache. I was not ready to say goodbye, it happened too fast. But 2 pushes later, they placed the body of my broken baby in my arms and my tears stopped. I don’t know why I don’t know if was the endorphins of labour or just how tiny and perfect he was to my eyes, but my tears just stopped.
Jacob Christian Kovacvich
Life and love are different. Perhaps he was incompatible with life, but I love him as much as a mother can love her children. It has taken me time to reach the realization that he knows that I love him, that he could feel it while he was in my womb that he looks down from heaven and knows that he is missed.
I spent the next hours making as many memories as I could, I held him and kissed him, I sang to him and read to him. I read a letter from Jenny, another awesome mama, and a poem I found online. I talked to him and told him how much I wanted him and loved him. How there were mamas all over Canada that knew him, and cared. I told him to find Mackenzie and Thomas that they would be his brother and sister in heaven. I had pictures taken, and hand and foot prints done. And while the dr and nurses kept telling me he was broken, I told them he was perfect, I think they thought I was crazy. I understood he was sick I get that, but he was just so beautiful despite it all and so tiny. I will say that leaving him the next day was the hardest part of all, it felt so wrong like I was abandoning him, and I felt so empty, so impossibly empty.
Grieving is such an ongoing process, I know now that only time can make things easier. My pain has not gone away, and I still think of Jacob on a daily basis, but I no longer cry every single day. I have done a few things to help myself heal, we planted an apple tree on my due date, July 1st. I made a scrapbook of my favorite pictures. I have a corner in my dining room with his memory box and his ashes. One day we will lay him to rest but I’m not there yet, I am still unable to part with him completely. I have a monkey that another awesome mama gave me that’s sits in his corner to keep him company and a little precious moment’s ornament my mother gave me of a little boy and a lamb. I truly believe I will never stop grieving. He will ALWAYS be my first born son, a baby that I ached to have, and a part of my heart and soul.
I don’t know what Gods plans are for us, I don’t understand the lessons he feels we need to learn from such loss, but one good thing came from my loss and that is the friendships that I made, friendships that I have never before had, with strength and meaning. I have an understanding of compassion and loss, of how to treat others in pain and heartache. I believe now that nobody can judge and gauge another’s pain, for each of us feels our heartaches differently. If ever you come across a person who has lost a baby and you don’t know what to say, don’t do what I did and turn away, tell them your sad, and tell them not that, things happen for a reason (even if they do) just tell them that your there for them, that you can listen or just hold them. I promise you they will appreciate it. Tyann, Jenny and the other awesome mamas did that for me, and I will NEVER be able to thank them enough.
And just to give you all hope, I am now expecting my rainbow baby, it’s so very early but I’m hopeful and terrified, but so hopeful. One day soon it will be Tyann’s turn I’m just so sure of it.
Submitted by Ruby Kovacvich, one my best friends, I hope to someday meet in person.
* * *
Well, I hope you enjoyed the 100th post and the submissions of my guest posters!! I sure feel blessed to have these three women in my life. Thank for taking the time and emotion to honor my sweet little girl.
Tyann
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Thankful Thursday - Everything's Coming Up Roses
Well almost everything!!!
I'm Thankful for:
I'm Thankful for:
- The fact that Anna got "Polka Dots" this past weekend. God has a mysterious way of working. I was trying to find a way to go in to the walk in clinic to see my Doctor. Of course walk in at our clinic is only open in the morning and I'm at work. However, I needed to make sure Anna didn't have something contagious that I could take to work. So I left my boss a message that I'd come in late (also thankful for a position that doesn't interrupt anyone else) and took her to the doctor... therefore getting the chance to talk to him about my uncertainties.
- That my doctor agreed that it was in my best interest to go back on my medication... so hopefully I'm feeling better soon!
- Mackenzie's Rose, the pictures really don't do it justice. There are almost 30 roses on it right now from buds to full blooms.
- That harvest is going really well - we help Jeff's parents with harvest, well I don't do much during the week, especially since it seems Anna has an allergy to canola...
- My handsome, hardworking hubby. Jeff works from 7 a.m. - 5 p.m. and way later some days, and right now he's been going to the farm after work and helping with harvest too.
- My little big girl, Anna - that face says it all.
- For the people who have stepped forward to write post #100!!! Yes, there are numerous intriguing writers who have me sitting on pins and needles! I can't wait to share!! If you want to contribute it's not to late!!! Let me know!
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Whipers to Heaven for Stella and Hope
Dear Mackenzie,
Mommy is tired today. I have been thinking of you lots. I have a lot on my mind but am not sure I can really compose my thoughts. I am really heart broken for two families. Mommy doesn't know these families in what I call "real life". I only know them through some of my mommas who do know them for "real"! I
Mackenzie, can you do mommy a favour? Watch over the baby Hope and young Stella as they go through their battles. Can you do that? I know you're an angel and I pray that you can be with these two beautiful girls and hold their hands. Help baby Hope be strong and fight hard as she and her family wait to find out about her surgery or the possible need for a heart transplant.
Mackenzie, little Stella is... well... dieing... Will you be there as she passes? What will it be like for her? I wish I knew what it was like for you to go from our world here on earth, to the world of our Father in heaven so I could share with Stella's family. Will you get to meet her? She will be the beautiful little red head with red curls! Oh, she's so cute! How do I know if you will get to see her in heaven? I don't even know her, but she holds a special place in my heart so do you think that means she'll be your friend in heaven? I sure hope so! Cause I think she'd be a lot of fun!
Do you choose your friends Mackenzie? Cause I kind of get to help guide Anna right now when it comes to friends. She's friends with the children of my friends, cause that's who we hang out with, and of course the other kids at her daycare. But who guides you? I guess your Father? God, knows all... I hope he guides you to Stella!
I love you sweet baby girl. Oh did you see that we celebrated baby Ally's birthday? Yah, I was a month late. I missed her party cause I was doing a run for Cancer, but I made her cupcakes and got her some cute outfits and her very first baby doll. It's funny how I agreed to do the run for Cancer without realizing I'd miss Ally's big day... in the end I think God was watching out for me. I don't know if I would have handled the actual party well. It's so hard sometimes to watch little Ally growing and doing all the things you'd be doing if you were here. She is such a beautiful child. I wonder if you girls would have looked alike at all? After all you are cousins and you were fair colored compared to your sister. You were blond like daddy... but not quite as bald as Ally :) It's funny, sometimes getting to spend times like these with Ally are great cause I can experience some of those baby things I missed with you... but they are also hard...
Good night baby girl, kisses and hugs!
Love you forever,
Mommy
If you are reading this post, please pray for the two little girls, Stella and Hope. If you click on their individual names you can read more of their stories.
REMINDER!! I AM HOPING SOMEONE WANTS TO GUEST WRITE POST #100. PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU'RE INTERESTED, OR I MAY JUST ASK YOU, THEN HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SAY "NO"???
Mommy is tired today. I have been thinking of you lots. I have a lot on my mind but am not sure I can really compose my thoughts. I am really heart broken for two families. Mommy doesn't know these families in what I call "real life". I only know them through some of my mommas who do know them for "real"! I
Mackenzie, can you do mommy a favour? Watch over the baby Hope and young Stella as they go through their battles. Can you do that? I know you're an angel and I pray that you can be with these two beautiful girls and hold their hands. Help baby Hope be strong and fight hard as she and her family wait to find out about her surgery or the possible need for a heart transplant.
Mackenzie, little Stella is... well... dieing... Will you be there as she passes? What will it be like for her? I wish I knew what it was like for you to go from our world here on earth, to the world of our Father in heaven so I could share with Stella's family. Will you get to meet her? She will be the beautiful little red head with red curls! Oh, she's so cute! How do I know if you will get to see her in heaven? I don't even know her, but she holds a special place in my heart so do you think that means she'll be your friend in heaven? I sure hope so! Cause I think she'd be a lot of fun!
Do you choose your friends Mackenzie? Cause I kind of get to help guide Anna right now when it comes to friends. She's friends with the children of my friends, cause that's who we hang out with, and of course the other kids at her daycare. But who guides you? I guess your Father? God, knows all... I hope he guides you to Stella!
I love you sweet baby girl. Oh did you see that we celebrated baby Ally's birthday? Yah, I was a month late. I missed her party cause I was doing a run for Cancer, but I made her cupcakes and got her some cute outfits and her very first baby doll. It's funny how I agreed to do the run for Cancer without realizing I'd miss Ally's big day... in the end I think God was watching out for me. I don't know if I would have handled the actual party well. It's so hard sometimes to watch little Ally growing and doing all the things you'd be doing if you were here. She is such a beautiful child. I wonder if you girls would have looked alike at all? After all you are cousins and you were fair colored compared to your sister. You were blond like daddy... but not quite as bald as Ally :) It's funny, sometimes getting to spend times like these with Ally are great cause I can experience some of those baby things I missed with you... but they are also hard...
Good night baby girl, kisses and hugs!
Love you forever,
Mommy
* * *
If you are reading this post, please pray for the two little girls, Stella and Hope. If you click on their individual names you can read more of their stories.
REMINDER!! I AM HOPING SOMEONE WANTS TO GUEST WRITE POST #100. PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU'RE INTERESTED, OR I MAY JUST ASK YOU, THEN HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SAY "NO"???
Monday, August 27, 2012
Guest spot!!!
Well, I'm excited to say that I'm reaching a milestone with this blog! 100 posts!!! So as a little something different I was wondering if YOU would like to write my 100th post!
That's right! I'm giving you, my loyal readers, the opportunity to share something from your life on my blog. Maybe you already have a blog of your own... we could share a little of you with my regular readers... or maybe you have gone through similar experiences as myself. If you`d like the chance to share your story but don`t want the whole blog thing, here`s your chance. Maybe your`re a friend or family member who just wants to share with readers the impact Mackenzie has had on your life.
Any takers?? I dare you to go out on a limb and try something new. You can me anonymous, if that make you feel better.
If you are interested, email me @ tyannerikssen@gmail.com I can't wait to hear from you!
That's right! I'm giving you, my loyal readers, the opportunity to share something from your life on my blog. Maybe you already have a blog of your own... we could share a little of you with my regular readers... or maybe you have gone through similar experiences as myself. If you`d like the chance to share your story but don`t want the whole blog thing, here`s your chance. Maybe your`re a friend or family member who just wants to share with readers the impact Mackenzie has had on your life.
Any takers?? I dare you to go out on a limb and try something new. You can me anonymous, if that make you feel better.
If you are interested, email me @ tyannerikssen@gmail.com I can't wait to hear from you!
Sunday, August 26, 2012
I'm back...
I'm back... here, at guilt.
Way back last October, I wrote about how I felt guilty. That Mackenzie's death was some sort of punishment to me. Well, I've had these thoughts go through my head, that I'm not pregnant because God is punishing me for something. For what? you may ask...
Well, how about coveting what my friends and family have? Every time I hear of someone who is expecting a new little one, it feels like a slow stab to the heart. Yes, if you are pregnant, I'm am so so happy for you, really I am. And at the same time I wonder, "Why not me? What have I done? What haven't I done? What do I need to do?" I want what all these other families have!!!
My mom told me some 15 months ago that I may have a hard time hearing others happy news of their little miracles growing in their tummies. At that time, I received these announcements of new arrivals to be as hope! Now, I understand what mom was talking about. Why is mom always right?? It may take a while, but she's always right. If you are pregnant, please don't avoid me, or avoid sharing with me. I'm coping...
Maybe God is punishing me for not being a good enough person. I know I am not perfect. He knows that I have lots of room for improvement! Sometimes I think maybe He doesn't think I can handle another child. For those of you with young ones, you know how some of those trying days can be.
In my heart, I know God is not punishing me. It's just really hard to see some days. Clouds seem to cover over my heart quickly these days. I'm tired. I just want to stay home. I have to push myself to get things done. But once I get going, things seem to be better.
Today I stayed in my PJ's until 11 a.m. or so... then Anna and I folded laundry outside, cleaned out our recycling box, had lunch outside, vacuumed out the Jeep and washed it. Washing the Jeep when you don't have an abundance or consumable water to waste is a dirty process which consists of actual manual labour!! hahaha, there i was with a bucket and a big scrub mitt! Then I splurged and wasted some water to hose the whole thing down to get rid of the dirt streaks. Jeff has spent the weekend swathing for his dad. We had our first supper in the field last night.
Well once again, a bit all over the place. Please keep me in your prayers, as I struggle with all these confusing feelings. If you know of any good passages that I should read, please send them my way.
Way back last October, I wrote about how I felt guilty. That Mackenzie's death was some sort of punishment to me. Well, I've had these thoughts go through my head, that I'm not pregnant because God is punishing me for something. For what? you may ask...
Well, how about coveting what my friends and family have? Every time I hear of someone who is expecting a new little one, it feels like a slow stab to the heart. Yes, if you are pregnant, I'm am so so happy for you, really I am. And at the same time I wonder, "Why not me? What have I done? What haven't I done? What do I need to do?" I want what all these other families have!!!
My mom told me some 15 months ago that I may have a hard time hearing others happy news of their little miracles growing in their tummies. At that time, I received these announcements of new arrivals to be as hope! Now, I understand what mom was talking about. Why is mom always right?? It may take a while, but she's always right. If you are pregnant, please don't avoid me, or avoid sharing with me. I'm coping...
Maybe God is punishing me for not being a good enough person. I know I am not perfect. He knows that I have lots of room for improvement! Sometimes I think maybe He doesn't think I can handle another child. For those of you with young ones, you know how some of those trying days can be.
In my heart, I know God is not punishing me. It's just really hard to see some days. Clouds seem to cover over my heart quickly these days. I'm tired. I just want to stay home. I have to push myself to get things done. But once I get going, things seem to be better.
Today I stayed in my PJ's until 11 a.m. or so... then Anna and I folded laundry outside, cleaned out our recycling box, had lunch outside, vacuumed out the Jeep and washed it. Washing the Jeep when you don't have an abundance or consumable water to waste is a dirty process which consists of actual manual labour!! hahaha, there i was with a bucket and a big scrub mitt! Then I splurged and wasted some water to hose the whole thing down to get rid of the dirt streaks. Jeff has spent the weekend swathing for his dad. We had our first supper in the field last night.
Well once again, a bit all over the place. Please keep me in your prayers, as I struggle with all these confusing feelings. If you know of any good passages that I should read, please send them my way.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
The Medical Side
Ok, so I always struggle with how much is to much information. So here's the warning, if you don't want to know why I am not announcing that we're having another baby anytime soon, then don't read today's post.
Several months back, I'm sure I told you about my doctor suggesting I go back on the pill, for three months. Yes, you're right, those three months are over. During those three months I went back to Weight Watchers and finally got my lifetime by maintaining my goal weight for 6 weeks! yahoo. April, May and June were really nice. I knew I couldn't get pregnant because I was on the pill. I didn't have to worry that I wasn't conceiving cause something else might be wrong.
I was back on the pill because my cycle ceased to exist for a couple months, which was a really nasty head game for someone who would give up their everything to see that +. So I was hoping that my cycle would reset, courtesy of the pill. Well, imagine our elated state when my cycle didn't show at all in July!!
And then imagine my extreme disappointment when I got "-" after "-". And to top it all off I weened myself off my antidepressant medication (with Dr. approval) and the side affect, gain 10lbs!!! yay!! So, here I am, not pregnant, having gained ten pounds and depressed!! The cherry on top, when I called the clinic I couldn't get in to see my Dr. for 6 weeks!!
Ruby, one of my mammas, convinced me to call the clinic back and ask to go on a cancellation list or something. SO I did. I asked to talk to my favourite gal there, Kerri (I doubt that's the way she spells it). Kerri knows my story. She is the only clerk there who as acknowledged that she knows what happened with Mackenzie. She immediately understood why I wanted to get in sooner and got me in the next day!!! Thank you!!
Going in, I was really unsure of what I should ask him to do. Should I ask to see a specialist? Fertility clinic? (If you've very easily conceived in the past and go 6+ months trying to conceive again, it could be cause for concern). How much intervention is to much? How much do I just ignore the fact that my body doesn't feel right to me? How much do I ignore the fact that my immune system has been incredibly poor since my second daughter's birth?? Do I just leave it all up to God? Or is He trying to wake me up??
My doctor told me that I should give it six months!! I almost lost it. I reminded him that I had only been on the pill for 3 months and that my cycle had NEVER been affected when I came off the pill in the past. Prior to these three months I hadn't been on the pill for two years! I really don't feel like that's why my cycle disappeared!
He suggested I go back on for another 3. No way. No more waiting it out. Jeff is freaking out cause he turned 35 this July. He wants to get going!! I told the doctor I needed something, that going home and "not thinking about it", was not going to work. He said something about checking my hormone levels. I reminded him that we did that in March. So he rechecked and sure enough both my estrogen and progesterone were really quite low. So he gave in and sent a prescription for progesterone pills to the drugstore. For all I know these pills are anti crazy lady meds! I don't care! If they trick my mind and body into getting back on track, I'm fine with that. He wanted me to try these for 6 months, then looked at me when I said that'd take us into the new year, while holding back a sob. So once again he gave in and I rebooked an appointment for November, three months. I know what happens if I have to go to that appointment in three months for yet another option. I don't plan on needing another round of drugs, I feel good about this, and am being hopeful.
So my mood is brighter these last few days. I am refocusing on loosing these dreaded 10lbs I gained. I'm getting back into my running as I've been slacking off. I am thinking of doing an 8km run in September.
Please pray that this step is the right one for me and Jeff. That my body gets back to normal and that we can, once again, look forward to bringing a little one into this world.
Several months back, I'm sure I told you about my doctor suggesting I go back on the pill, for three months. Yes, you're right, those three months are over. During those three months I went back to Weight Watchers and finally got my lifetime by maintaining my goal weight for 6 weeks! yahoo. April, May and June were really nice. I knew I couldn't get pregnant because I was on the pill. I didn't have to worry that I wasn't conceiving cause something else might be wrong.
I was back on the pill because my cycle ceased to exist for a couple months, which was a really nasty head game for someone who would give up their everything to see that +. So I was hoping that my cycle would reset, courtesy of the pill. Well, imagine our elated state when my cycle didn't show at all in July!!
And then imagine my extreme disappointment when I got "-" after "-". And to top it all off I weened myself off my antidepressant medication (with Dr. approval) and the side affect, gain 10lbs!!! yay!! So, here I am, not pregnant, having gained ten pounds and depressed!! The cherry on top, when I called the clinic I couldn't get in to see my Dr. for 6 weeks!!
Ruby, one of my mammas, convinced me to call the clinic back and ask to go on a cancellation list or something. SO I did. I asked to talk to my favourite gal there, Kerri (I doubt that's the way she spells it). Kerri knows my story. She is the only clerk there who as acknowledged that she knows what happened with Mackenzie. She immediately understood why I wanted to get in sooner and got me in the next day!!! Thank you!!
Going in, I was really unsure of what I should ask him to do. Should I ask to see a specialist? Fertility clinic? (If you've very easily conceived in the past and go 6+ months trying to conceive again, it could be cause for concern). How much intervention is to much? How much do I just ignore the fact that my body doesn't feel right to me? How much do I ignore the fact that my immune system has been incredibly poor since my second daughter's birth?? Do I just leave it all up to God? Or is He trying to wake me up??
My doctor told me that I should give it six months!! I almost lost it. I reminded him that I had only been on the pill for 3 months and that my cycle had NEVER been affected when I came off the pill in the past. Prior to these three months I hadn't been on the pill for two years! I really don't feel like that's why my cycle disappeared!
He suggested I go back on for another 3. No way. No more waiting it out. Jeff is freaking out cause he turned 35 this July. He wants to get going!! I told the doctor I needed something, that going home and "not thinking about it", was not going to work. He said something about checking my hormone levels. I reminded him that we did that in March. So he rechecked and sure enough both my estrogen and progesterone were really quite low. So he gave in and sent a prescription for progesterone pills to the drugstore. For all I know these pills are anti crazy lady meds! I don't care! If they trick my mind and body into getting back on track, I'm fine with that. He wanted me to try these for 6 months, then looked at me when I said that'd take us into the new year, while holding back a sob. So once again he gave in and I rebooked an appointment for November, three months. I know what happens if I have to go to that appointment in three months for yet another option. I don't plan on needing another round of drugs, I feel good about this, and am being hopeful.
So my mood is brighter these last few days. I am refocusing on loosing these dreaded 10lbs I gained. I'm getting back into my running as I've been slacking off. I am thinking of doing an 8km run in September.
Please pray that this step is the right one for me and Jeff. That my body gets back to normal and that we can, once again, look forward to bringing a little one into this world.
Do not be afraid of sudden panic, or of the storm that strikes...
for the Lord will be your confidence
and will keep your foot from being caught.
Proverbs 3:25-26
To let go is to fear less and love more.
- Author unknown
Sunday, August 05, 2012
are you still waiting?
Hi! I know it's been a really long time. I've been really busy as of late. July is over. But it was a great month.
- Family vacation
- 5km race in Wainwright
- Anna had a week at the "other" grandma's
- I was really sick with the flu
- painted the house
- 5 km race in Edmonton (beat my previous time!!)
- spend Jeff's birthday weekend in Edmonton
- met up with a cousin I haven't seen in years,
- went swimming and spent a great day with a BFF and Anna's BFF
- spent the last Saturday of the month with my cousin and her beautiful daughter!! what a hoot!!
- got to visit with my charming brother and my gorgeous little sister!
- had to say goodbye to my nephew Scout (bunny) who is now in Heaven with Mackenzie
- got to see both my grandma's
- spent the last July days with my mom and Anna, going to the beach, and breaking all the rules (like eating ice cream and chips!!!!)
- had a really good treatment from my cousin Karen
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Whispers to Heaven - My new Wednesday Submission
Often you see on blogs that Wednesday is for "Wordless Wednesday". Those of you who know me in "real life", know that wordless is a joke when it comes to me. So I have come up with something new. Whispers to Heaven. I really find myself wanting to talk to Mackenzie these days. I have so many questions for her, so much to tell her, to share, to teach... so here it goes.
Dear Mackenzie,
It is very hot this week! I am not complaining, cause I've been in worse places in life. I find myself thinking a lot right now about how I told people you went to heaven and their reactions. I think Mommy is remembering this so much right now because I so wish and pray that I will get to give people happy news again someday. I want to hear people's reaction to exciting news. Not that you aren't exciting my girl. Just we really wish we would have gotten to know you here on earth before you got to enjoy eternal glory with your Father.
Anyway, there mommy goes getting side tracked again... I was remembering today, after I talked to my friend Brenda on the phone, a phone call I had with her the evening of May 21, 2011 - the day you were born. I remember her answering the phone in her cheerful way... I think I heard a little extra excitement that night. Brenda was on my call list if I went into labor and needed help, she's a real good friend like that. I wish you could meet her, or maybe you have? Brenda was shocked when I told her that yes you had been born, however you didn't come home to be with our family. "Oh Tyann..." I will never forget the pain and heart ache I heard in her voice. The shock... it steal makes me feel a little sick.
I was telling you how hot it was here this week... well relieving that memory, sent a chill up my spine and goosebumps covered my arms... quite the way to cool off on a 30 degree day...
Mommy didn't make many of those calls... my bestie Lesley, knew from the previous evening that I was feeling off about things, so we texted... And our special Kimmie... well she knew I had a doctors appointment that day and had been texting me all day trying to find out what was going on. It took me a long time to respond back to her. Hours in fact. Mackenzie, mommy didn`t know how to tell Kimmie that the baby I was going to have to make so many memories together with the baby she was going to have was gone. Kimmie and mommy wanted to have our babies close together, seeing that they`d be cousins and all... Now mommy watches Ally grow. She is so beautiful Kenzie!! Such a sweet baby girl. So quiet and happy. She has this sparkle in her eye that shines so bright. I like to believe it`s a twinkle for you.
Kimmie and I have talked many times about that fateful May long weekend. We`ve cried. I`ve felt her pain, as she`s told me about her reaction... I think it hurt me so much more to have to tell my close friends because I knew they were going to hurt for me. I knew they were going to grieve you almost as much as mommy is.
Mackenzie, I don`t cry for you everyday anymore... well not with these big tears I have rolling down my cheeks, everyday... but baby, I do in my heart. Every day mommy`s heart cries for you. Every day I feel like I`m missing a piece of my soul. Every day I wonder why Anna seems to know so much more about you then I do. She seems so so close to you. She told me tonight that you are with her. I asked her if you played with her and she told me ``Mackenzie doesn`t hold toys... she sits in my piggie chair.`` I asked her if you like to watch her, and she told me yes. I asked if you are her angel, and she said yes, that you had told her that.
That Mackenzie for being Anna`s angel. Thank you for protecting her and watching over her, for being apart of her. Mommy wonders if there is a way you can do the same for me? I know in my heart that you must be with me. Is there a sign though? I would love to see you the way Anna does. Maybe I'm to "old" for that though? Maybe mommy's just being selfish?
Ok, Mommy will let you get back to what ever it is you love to do up there in heaven. One more question... did you like the rose I left you last night? That's your rose from the rose bush our Lesley gave us.
Good night baby girl, Mommy loves you!
XOXO
Dear Mackenzie,
It is very hot this week! I am not complaining, cause I've been in worse places in life. I find myself thinking a lot right now about how I told people you went to heaven and their reactions. I think Mommy is remembering this so much right now because I so wish and pray that I will get to give people happy news again someday. I want to hear people's reaction to exciting news. Not that you aren't exciting my girl. Just we really wish we would have gotten to know you here on earth before you got to enjoy eternal glory with your Father.
Anyway, there mommy goes getting side tracked again... I was remembering today, after I talked to my friend Brenda on the phone, a phone call I had with her the evening of May 21, 2011 - the day you were born. I remember her answering the phone in her cheerful way... I think I heard a little extra excitement that night. Brenda was on my call list if I went into labor and needed help, she's a real good friend like that. I wish you could meet her, or maybe you have? Brenda was shocked when I told her that yes you had been born, however you didn't come home to be with our family. "Oh Tyann..." I will never forget the pain and heart ache I heard in her voice. The shock... it steal makes me feel a little sick.
I was telling you how hot it was here this week... well relieving that memory, sent a chill up my spine and goosebumps covered my arms... quite the way to cool off on a 30 degree day...
Mommy didn't make many of those calls... my bestie Lesley, knew from the previous evening that I was feeling off about things, so we texted... And our special Kimmie... well she knew I had a doctors appointment that day and had been texting me all day trying to find out what was going on. It took me a long time to respond back to her. Hours in fact. Mackenzie, mommy didn`t know how to tell Kimmie that the baby I was going to have to make so many memories together with the baby she was going to have was gone. Kimmie and mommy wanted to have our babies close together, seeing that they`d be cousins and all... Now mommy watches Ally grow. She is so beautiful Kenzie!! Such a sweet baby girl. So quiet and happy. She has this sparkle in her eye that shines so bright. I like to believe it`s a twinkle for you.
Kimmie and I have talked many times about that fateful May long weekend. We`ve cried. I`ve felt her pain, as she`s told me about her reaction... I think it hurt me so much more to have to tell my close friends because I knew they were going to hurt for me. I knew they were going to grieve you almost as much as mommy is.
Mackenzie, I don`t cry for you everyday anymore... well not with these big tears I have rolling down my cheeks, everyday... but baby, I do in my heart. Every day mommy`s heart cries for you. Every day I feel like I`m missing a piece of my soul. Every day I wonder why Anna seems to know so much more about you then I do. She seems so so close to you. She told me tonight that you are with her. I asked her if you played with her and she told me ``Mackenzie doesn`t hold toys... she sits in my piggie chair.`` I asked her if you like to watch her, and she told me yes. I asked if you are her angel, and she said yes, that you had told her that.
That Mackenzie for being Anna`s angel. Thank you for protecting her and watching over her, for being apart of her. Mommy wonders if there is a way you can do the same for me? I know in my heart that you must be with me. Is there a sign though? I would love to see you the way Anna does. Maybe I'm to "old" for that though? Maybe mommy's just being selfish?
Ok, Mommy will let you get back to what ever it is you love to do up there in heaven. One more question... did you like the rose I left you last night? That's your rose from the rose bush our Lesley gave us.
Good night baby girl, Mommy loves you!
XOXO
Wednesday, July 04, 2012
Questions for an Angel
Dear Mackenzie,
Mommy really is tired tonight and I should be going to sleep... but I have some questions for you.
We just went on our 2nd Annual Family Vacation. We do this as out get a way. Last year we went because we didn't want to spend the long weekend in town talking to people and feeling that awkwardness... I just couldn't handle being around that many people who knew, but weren't going to say anything...
Kenzie, were you with us?? I was watching for you in the skies all weekend. I though for sure I'd see your rainbow since it rained off and on all day on Saturday. I feel like you're so far away some days. Like a life time has passed since I last held you. Some days I feel like my heart is all ached out and I can't hurt anymore... Some days I feel like I'm "all good" with everything that has happened.
Then there are days that I feel like it was just yesterday that I went to that 38 week appointment. I was just at the clinic last week. It always makes me feel so awkward. I often wish that our clinic hadn't been moved to the new building, cause i could have left that memory in the old clinic. I don't want to lay on that table in Dr P's exam room ever again while he listens for a heart beat... Mackenzie, I think that alone makes me want to switch which Dr I see at the clinic in case of any future pregnancies.
The days that I feel like it was just yesterday that I held you, I can't help but see you face every time i close my eyes. I can't help to wonder what your little dress looks like today... are you wearing that dress in heaven??? That was the only dress you'll ever have worn.
Mackenzie, sometimes I feel like a bad mommy to your big sister. I know I spoil her way to much and don't discipline her near enough. I can't stand to see her cry. I can't stand to hurt her feelings. Her tears remind me of my tears and the hurt. Those tears remind me of how vulnerable I felt some 13 months ago. And how I still feel far to often.
Mackenzie, has God let you in on any of the plan He has for our family?? Do you know if He is going to bless us with a little brother or sister for you and Anna? Has He told you we won't have to wait much longer?? Has He told you we've still got time to put in??
Mackenzie, who do you know in heaven??? Who do you spend your days with? Does great grandma Mary Lukan make you cinnamon twists and her special cookies with the sprinkles? Does she have tea parties with you - she made the best tea. Do you know Jacob and Thomas??? I know their mommies on the internet, so have you met them?? What about Brennan? Kyle?? and Dustin? and the many others lost to soon... Have you had any of Grandma Mary Stefanic's awesome Ukrainian cooking?? How old are you in heaven?? maybe you don't age there and are still that tiny little beauty?
Mackenzie, mommy has so many questions. I can't lie, most of them run through my head daily. Can you answer any of them??? Can you tell me the answers... send a whisper on a breeze?
Mackenzie, mommy loves you today, tomorrow as much as the yesterday that I found out you existed in my womb. I pray to have the knowledge to be a good mommy to an angel. I hope I'm doing an OK job.
Love for ever and ever,
Mommy
Mommy really is tired tonight and I should be going to sleep... but I have some questions for you.
We just went on our 2nd Annual Family Vacation. We do this as out get a way. Last year we went because we didn't want to spend the long weekend in town talking to people and feeling that awkwardness... I just couldn't handle being around that many people who knew, but weren't going to say anything...
Kenzie, were you with us?? I was watching for you in the skies all weekend. I though for sure I'd see your rainbow since it rained off and on all day on Saturday. I feel like you're so far away some days. Like a life time has passed since I last held you. Some days I feel like my heart is all ached out and I can't hurt anymore... Some days I feel like I'm "all good" with everything that has happened.
Then there are days that I feel like it was just yesterday that I went to that 38 week appointment. I was just at the clinic last week. It always makes me feel so awkward. I often wish that our clinic hadn't been moved to the new building, cause i could have left that memory in the old clinic. I don't want to lay on that table in Dr P's exam room ever again while he listens for a heart beat... Mackenzie, I think that alone makes me want to switch which Dr I see at the clinic in case of any future pregnancies.
The days that I feel like it was just yesterday that I held you, I can't help but see you face every time i close my eyes. I can't help to wonder what your little dress looks like today... are you wearing that dress in heaven??? That was the only dress you'll ever have worn.
Mackenzie, sometimes I feel like a bad mommy to your big sister. I know I spoil her way to much and don't discipline her near enough. I can't stand to see her cry. I can't stand to hurt her feelings. Her tears remind me of my tears and the hurt. Those tears remind me of how vulnerable I felt some 13 months ago. And how I still feel far to often.
Mackenzie, has God let you in on any of the plan He has for our family?? Do you know if He is going to bless us with a little brother or sister for you and Anna? Has He told you we won't have to wait much longer?? Has He told you we've still got time to put in??
Mackenzie, who do you know in heaven??? Who do you spend your days with? Does great grandma Mary Lukan make you cinnamon twists and her special cookies with the sprinkles? Does she have tea parties with you - she made the best tea. Do you know Jacob and Thomas??? I know their mommies on the internet, so have you met them?? What about Brennan? Kyle?? and Dustin? and the many others lost to soon... Have you had any of Grandma Mary Stefanic's awesome Ukrainian cooking?? How old are you in heaven?? maybe you don't age there and are still that tiny little beauty?
Mackenzie, mommy has so many questions. I can't lie, most of them run through my head daily. Can you answer any of them??? Can you tell me the answers... send a whisper on a breeze?
Mackenzie, mommy loves you today, tomorrow as much as the yesterday that I found out you existed in my womb. I pray to have the knowledge to be a good mommy to an angel. I hope I'm doing an OK job.
Love for ever and ever,
Mommy
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Wordless Wednesday - A Little Rainbow
The Rainbow visits we've had this week:
Monday
Look at how bright this rainbow got as I talked to my cousin Karen on the phone!
Tuesday
Anna and I chased this rainbow home from Camrose. She wanted to catch it.
Monday
Tuesday
Anna and I chased this rainbow home from Camrose. She wanted to catch it.
Winnepeg's rainbow this afternoon care of Lisa!
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