Questions for an Angel

Dear Mackenzie,

Mommy really is tired tonight and I should be going to sleep... but I have some questions for you. 

We just went on our 2nd Annual Family Vacation.  We do this as out get a way.  Last year we went because we didn't want to spend the long weekend in town talking to people and feeling that awkwardness...  I just couldn't handle being around that many people who knew, but weren't going to say anything...

Kenzie, were you with us??  I was watching for you in the skies all weekend.  I though for sure I'd see your rainbow since it rained off and on all day on Saturday.  I feel like you're so far away some days.  Like a life time has passed since I last held you.  Some days I feel like my heart is all ached out and I can't hurt anymore...  Some days I feel like I'm "all good" with everything that has happened.

Then there are days that I feel like it was just yesterday that I went to that 38 week appointment.  I was just at the clinic last week.  It always makes me feel so awkward.  I often wish that our clinic hadn't been moved to the new building, cause i could have left that memory in the old clinic.  I don't want to lay on that table in Dr P's exam room ever again while he listens for a heart beat...  Mackenzie, I think that alone makes me want to switch which Dr I see at the clinic in case of any future pregnancies.

The days that I feel like it was just yesterday that I held you, I can't help but see you face every time i close my eyes.  I can't help to wonder what your little dress looks like today...  are you wearing that dress in heaven???  That was the only dress you'll ever have worn.

Mackenzie, sometimes I feel like a bad mommy to your big sister.  I know I spoil her way to much and don't discipline her near enough.  I can't stand to see her cry.  I can't stand to hurt her feelings.  Her tears remind me of my tears and the hurt.  Those tears remind me of how vulnerable I felt some 13 months ago.  And how I still feel far to often. 

Mackenzie, has God let you in on any of the plan He has for our family??  Do you know if He is going to bless us with a little brother or sister for you and Anna?  Has He told you we won't have to wait much longer??  Has He told you we've still got time to put in??

Mackenzie, who do you know in heaven???  Who do you spend your days with?  Does great grandma Mary Lukan make you cinnamon twists and her special cookies with the sprinkles?  Does she have tea parties with you - she made the best tea.  Do you know Jacob and Thomas???  I know their mommies on the internet, so have you met them??  What about Brennan?  Kyle??  and Dustin?  and the many others lost to soon...  Have you had any of Grandma Mary Stefanic's awesome Ukrainian cooking??  How old are you in heaven??  maybe you don't age there and are still that tiny little beauty?

Mackenzie, mommy has so many questions.  I can't lie, most of them run through my head daily.  Can you answer any of them???  Can you tell me the answers... send a whisper on a breeze?

Mackenzie, mommy loves you today, tomorrow as much as the yesterday that I found out you existed in my womb.  I pray to have the knowledge to be a good mommy to an angel.  I hope I'm doing an OK job. 

Love for ever and ever,
Mommy