Dear Mackenzie,
It is very hot this week! I am not complaining, cause I've been in worse places in life. I find myself thinking a lot right now about how I told people you went to heaven and their reactions. I think Mommy is remembering this so much right now because I so wish and pray that I will get to give people happy news again someday. I want to hear people's reaction to exciting news. Not that you aren't exciting my girl. Just we really wish we would have gotten to know you here on earth before you got to enjoy eternal glory with your Father.
Anyway, there mommy goes getting side tracked again... I was remembering today, after I talked to my friend Brenda on the phone, a phone call I had with her the evening of May 21, 2011 - the day you were born. I remember her answering the phone in her cheerful way... I think I heard a little extra excitement that night. Brenda was on my call list if I went into labor and needed help, she's a real good friend like that. I wish you could meet her, or maybe you have? Brenda was shocked when I told her that yes you had been born, however you didn't come home to be with our family. "Oh Tyann..." I will never forget the pain and heart ache I heard in her voice. The shock... it steal makes me feel a little sick.
I was telling you how hot it was here this week... well relieving that memory, sent a chill up my spine and goosebumps covered my arms... quite the way to cool off on a 30 degree day...
Mommy didn't make many of those calls... my bestie Lesley, knew from the previous evening that I was feeling off about things, so we texted... And our special Kimmie... well she knew I had a doctors appointment that day and had been texting me all day trying to find out what was going on. It took me a long time to respond back to her. Hours in fact. Mackenzie, mommy didn`t know how to tell Kimmie that the baby I was going to have to make so many memories together with the baby she was going to have was gone. Kimmie and mommy wanted to have our babies close together, seeing that they`d be cousins and all... Now mommy watches Ally grow. She is so beautiful Kenzie!! Such a sweet baby girl. So quiet and happy. She has this sparkle in her eye that shines so bright. I like to believe it`s a twinkle for you.
Kimmie and I have talked many times about that fateful May long weekend. We`ve cried. I`ve felt her pain, as she`s told me about her reaction... I think it hurt me so much more to have to tell my close friends because I knew they were going to hurt for me. I knew they were going to grieve you almost as much as mommy is.
Mackenzie, I don`t cry for you everyday anymore... well not with these big tears I have rolling down my cheeks, everyday... but baby, I do in my heart. Every day mommy`s heart cries for you. Every day I feel like I`m missing a piece of my soul. Every day I wonder why Anna seems to know so much more about you then I do. She seems so so close to you. She told me tonight that you are with her. I asked her if you played with her and she told me ``Mackenzie doesn`t hold toys... she sits in my piggie chair.`` I asked her if you like to watch her, and she told me yes. I asked if you are her angel, and she said yes, that you had told her that.
That Mackenzie for being Anna`s angel. Thank you for protecting her and watching over her, for being apart of her. Mommy wonders if there is a way you can do the same for me? I know in my heart that you must be with me. Is there a sign though? I would love to see you the way Anna does. Maybe I'm to "old" for that though? Maybe mommy's just being selfish?
Ok, Mommy will let you get back to what ever it is you love to do up there in heaven. One more question... did you like the rose I left you last night? That's your rose from the rose bush our Lesley gave us.
Good night baby girl, Mommy loves you!
XOXO
Absolutely beautiful. I have no doubt that she hears your words and feels your love.
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