Reflections of a Year

One year ago, October 1, 2010, was an exciting day.  It was the day before my little brother's wedding, and we got up early to head to Saskatchewan.  Well, it was very exciting!  We found out we were expecting our second child.  What a blessing!  So we went to the wedding with an extra twinkle in our eyes and a secret. 

I never thought that a year later I would be sitting here... in this moment.  A moment filled with anxiety, pain, grief, and HOPE.  Tomorrow, October 1, 2011 we will walk.  We will walk at the Alberta Legislature Grounds.  http://www.walktoremember.ca/  We will walk, for a little baby, who only one year ago, to the day, were we so excited to learn of for the first time.

We will walk in memory of our daughter, Mackenzie Mary, and we will walk with the hope that we will continue to be blessed by our Father.  I look forward to this day, a day to honour our little girl. 

I will also walk with the memory of another little boy in my heart.  I wish, so much that his family could be there with us...  But we will walk for him too.  (You know who you are.) 

I will walk for eight baby cousins that I pray Mackenzie has gotten to know in Heaven.  I will walk for all the mommies (and their little ones and families) that have shared their stories with me. 

I will walk with my head held up to the sky. I will remember. I will watch for that little sign, that my little girl is proudly watching her mommy, daddy, grandparents, and big sister take a day to celebrate her life. 

I will walk with the courage it takes to keep putting one foot in front of the other... to keep moving forward, even though I feel like I've left someone behind...

At my brother's wedding.  October 2, 2010

Wordless Wednesday - Week in Review

Mackenzie got a butterfly.

Daddy love!

At the corn maze.

Daddy's mustache...

bouncy slide

bouncy house

trying to find the bunnies

hair ties make great bangles

Anna needed to have two "daddy bars" (ie. granola bars), because Grandma bear wanted one too!

1 year ago today...

2 years ago today

Difficult Questions and Answers

I stole this from the blog of a good friend.  I was snooping through her blog a couple weeks ago and found these questions, and really thought I should think about and answer them.

I want to know if you think about them often....Yes, everyday.  Maybe I do right now because everything is still so fresh and raw.  How can I not?  At work today someone asked me how I was and in my answer came, "I constantly think of the fact that I am not supposed to be here (work) right now".  I am supposed to be on maternity leave...  Yesterday, one of the many times I thought of Mackenzie was when we sat in a restaurant for supper... what would this be like with a newborn?

I want to know what reminds you of them....
- rainbows
- the song "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry
- white roses

I want to know what you remember most about that pregnancy....
How "easy" it was.  I felt so good (until I got really anxious at about 35 weeks), I was so happy with how healthy I felt, and how I watched what I ate, and didn't gain a whole bunch of extra weight.

I want to know if their siblings remind you of them....
Yes, I don't know why.  Anna and Mackenzie didn't look alike... but I know that when I look into Anna's eyes, Mackenzie's would have been the same... beautiful, eyes like her daddy's.

What do you think their personality would be....
Well, I think Mackenzie would have been a very calm little girl.  Easy going, good natured, mellow, like her daddy.  We all know Anna has enough fire cracker in her!

What do you look forward to the most in seeing them again someday......
To give her a kiss, and sing to her.  To hold that little angel in my arms and cuddle her.  To see her smile.  To see how much she looks like her daddy.  And you know what?  As I'm being honest, I have to say, to know why...

I want to know how you grieve and what makes you grieve....
I don't know the answer to this question.  It changes day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute, moment to moment...  What made me grieve the hardest was the birth a very special little girl.  Her mommy had a difficult pregnancy.  Mackenzie and her are cousins.  This little girl was born 2 months to the day, Mackenzie was born.  They would have grown up together.  Us mommies had planned to share all those moments of their childhoods.  I guess we still are through that little girl.  Meeting that baby in the hospital was the second hardest thing I've done this year.  I knew I had to do it, but it was hard.  I didn't make it through the door to the hospital room before I broke down.  I held that precious angel and wept.  I wept for the gift this family received, the true blessing that child is.  I grieved for their happiness... for the happiness my heart aches for. I cried for the overwhelming feeling of grattitude I had to God for watching over this child and delivering her safely to the arms of her family.  I wept for what they had, and for what I lost.

This is a complicated answer...  sorry!  Putting Anna to bed makes me grieve.  I sing her the same songs every night;  the same songs I sang to Mackenzie when I went to rock her at the funeral home.

And are there certain dates that it seems to hit the hardest.....
The 21st of the month.  I always think she would be ___ months old... I know her birthday will, and her due date was very hard.  I am anxious about Christmas...  I know that will be a tough one too, especially this year, when we imagined Christmas 2011 with our two children.

And what were you expecting in grief and how did it surprise you.....
That it keeps going.  I mean of course it does, but it hurts over and over again.  You think you're doing "fine" and BAM!  grief hits you like it never has before.  Jeff's dear cousin passed away 3 months after Mackenzie, neither one of us were ready for the way that loss was going to hit us.  We grieved so hard, not only for the loss of life, but for how we could only imagine how his parents, wife and children felt.  We grieved because now we had to good of an idea of how they may have felt.
I didn't expect that grief would hit me with every new baby born to a close friend or relative.  Or how the news of a new baby on the way would affect me the way it does. 

And what did you learn through their life and death....and through the pain that follows....
I learned just how true my belief in God is.  Mackenzie's short life tought me so much about my faith.  It has strengthened my relationship with our Saviour and made me more aware.  I have learnt not to take for granted that little life being created.  The pain has tought me how real I am.  And her death, how important is that I love my family in every moment, and take nothing for granted...

And how did their life change yours and what are you thankful for??
I am thankful that her life has made me want to be a better person, she has taught me so much about how deep love flows.  How much faith I really do have.  I am thankful for her.  Even though I do not get to hold her here, I would not take anything back if it meant erasing her all together.  I am thankful she made me a mommy of two beautiful daugters, and I am proud to have an angel.  I believe she has made me a better, more patient mommy.  I will never look at pregnancy the same way, children are a gift, to be cherished from the moment they are conceived.

Routine are you out there?

Well, I'm exhausted!  I miss my husband, I miss anything that may resemble a routine...

Jeff's been working at his job and coming home, changing, and heading to the farm to help out.  Anna and I can't remember when he was last home for bedtime.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining... I just miss him.  I've gotten really lazy with making meals, and I don't think Anna's going to let Daddy bath her and put her to bed for a while.  She has gotten so used to me doing it and has been a bit Daddy shy lately.

I feel like all I do is RUN!!!  I just want to sit at home, and do what needs to be done.  I think our basement storage room is now screaming my name, it started out as a whisper about 6 weeks ago but it's now making my ears ring.  That thing has to get cleaned out... and we've got a lot of clean up to do outside before the snow flies. YES, I said snow, the crops are off, OK we'll give our neighbors another week, but we're ready.  Jeff is excited that we're supposed to have a lot of snow.  But first we do need to clean up the remnants of deck building materials that are strewn all over our yard.  Maybe I can con Anna and the two little boys who are coming to play tomorrow, that picking up nails and little pieces of wood is fun?  And the mommies can sit on the deck for a much needed heart to heart.  I love when a good friend comes over.  I just can't seem to be home enough for it to happen.  I'm hoping to fit a couple more mommy/Anna play dates in next week, one in Camrose, and one in Edmonton.  Here's to hoping!!

Thankful Thursdays - the Picture Edition

Ok, I've had a long week.  Thankyou to everyone on your positive feedback.  I'm so overwhelmed with the amount of people who have responded to my posts.  Thankyou.  I am glad to have been able to touch even just ONE person.  With sharing our story, I feel so liberated from all my thoughts, and to know that we've touched and helped others is wonderful.  It shows the impact of our sweet angel, Mackenzie's, life.  These are topics that people are afraid to talk about, but that I needed to...


So here's a little of what we've been up to.  Enjoy.

Finding Rainbows

Lovin' Daddy

Having Care Bear Tea Parties

Eating in the field

Painting

Hiding in apple trees

Eating sprinkle donuts

Swimming

Giving baby a piggy back ride

You Can Have Another...

I've struggled with this thought... "You can have another...".  Since our little Mackenzie was born, I've heard that statement to many times.  It is not comforting, I did not "plan" on having "another".  I wanted HER.  My "plannning" on not having any more children just goes to show who is really in control... definately not me.

Back to the topic at hand.  I had an awesome conversation today with a sweet lady of 80 some years.  I was giving her my condolences on the recent loss of her husband, to whom she'd been married to for a wonderful 60 + years.  Yes, I said sixty.  Anyway, I told her I was very sorry for her loss and how I understood a little bit, but nearly enough, how she felt.  She shared with me the devastating loss of their first child.  She shared that how (I will assume) 60 years later, she still grieves that child.  She, like myself, lost her baby at full term.  Of course back then, people didn't have services for babies lost before/during birth.  She still regrets that they never gave that child a proper name.  She shared that they went on to have numerous more healthy children, but that she always knew there was one missing from her earthly life.  We both cried when we spoke of how her husband has now come to know their child, in Heaven, and how she looks forward to that oppurtunity for herself someday.

What amazed me about this conversation was that she DOES STILL GRIEVE that precious child.  Some have made me feel as though I should be done.  But how?  We had hopes and dreams for our daughter, for our family, for all of our lives.  For example, the hardest thing I did this summer was attend my family reunion without my youngest daughter lovingly craddles in my protective arms.  I had pictured myself doing that from the time she was conceived, thinking that she would be born just in time to meet her greatgrandmother at the reunion.

So what did I learn today?  That, yes, it is normal to grieve my child for a life time.  And I will.  It doesn't mean I won't move on to live my life, and continue to be happy.  I, God willing, can go on to have and love another child... It just means, that for me, I will go forward without that piece of my heart that is with her, resting for eternity, in Heaven.

You Think You're Uncomfortable...

Well, this has been on mind for... about 3 weeks after I had Mackenzie.  I'm not sure what people expected me to do after giving birth to such a beautiful baby girl, who looked so much like her daddy, and coming home, knowing she would never join us physically in our home.

Did you expect me to stay home?  To not go out?  To not go to the grocery store?  To not take Anna to her activities and favorite places?  Was I supposed to stay in bed and cry for days?  Sink into a deep depression?

Here's the thing...  when the unthinkable happened, the first thing I wanted to do was continue my life in the best way I knew how. We got home Saturday, Mackenzie has been born that morning, and I said to Jeff and my parents... "I am going to church in the morning.".  They looked at me like I was crazy, my response... "If we can't start there, where can we?". (Church ended up being canceled, but nontheless...)  I knew that if I didn't hold my head up, and face people as soon as possible, that things would not be good for me.  Was it hard?  Is it hard?  YES.  Would it be easier to stay home?  most days.  But I still have to live.  I can't put Anna's life on hold.  That wouldn't be fair to her or her sister.

Going back into the community and seeing people who "know" you, and they pretty much go white when they see you, and turn the other way, is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with.  It hurts.  Or if they can't even ask "how are you?"  It makes me feel like they are ignoring the fact that Mackenzie was born. 

I understand that it's awkward for people, because they don't know if they're going to upset me or how I will react.  I also know that they are not sure if they are going to get upset.  Well... You think you're uncomfortable...?  How do you think I feel? Guess what?!  It's OK!  It's OK to cry, or shed a tear, it's great if you ask me about my daughter.  It hurts less for me to tell you how beautiful she was, then it does for me to see you turn and walk away.  She is my daughter. The fact that she is in Heaven is nothing for me to be ashamed of and I enjoy talking about her.  I felt like I was expecting to much from people, until I read this book, I Will Carry You:  The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy written by Angie Smith.  Angie gets "it".  No more explanation needed.

I do have to say, that for the amount of people who donn't know how to handle the situation, I was lucky that there are so many more that do.  Sometimes all it takes is "Hi, how are you doing?"  and that genuine smile.  I can tell you care.

I know you read this and think that I am strong.  I am not.  Not on my own.  I have prayed for that strength.  You have prayed for me to receive that strength, thankyou.  In those days immediately following Mackenzie's death, and even now, I (and Jeff) honestly could feel those prayers.  God is my strength.  Sometimes God's strength is given to me through the encouraging words of others, their thoughtfulness, their notes and cards, best of all when they put themselves aside and ask, "How are you?" and give me that genuine smile.

Thankful Thursday - Psalm 127:3

Children are a gift from God; they are a reward from Him - Psalm 127:3

So this was the verse we put on Anna's birth announcement card.  When I came across that card, just a short time after the birth of Mackenzie, I had my "moment" of temporary anger, that lasted about 1/8th of a second.
I thought, "How does this make sense in my life now?"  And I realized... What better reward could a mother ask for?  MY daughter was chosen, by the Lord, to skip all the suffering, and struggle in this earthly life to go straight to Heaven.  Straight to a life of perfection, beauty, grace, unconditional love and happiness.  The only elements she did experience here on earth were, I hope happy ones; the warmth of her growing in my loving womb, hearing me read and sing to her older sister, Anna, hearing my prayers, hearing the voices of her loved ones, and so many other positive experiences.
We lost Jeff's grandmother this past January.  It mad me sad to think she would not meet our baby.  When Mackenzie passed away I was so THANKFUL that Grandma was there, in Heaven, to meet our precious Mackenzie.  It brought some peace to my heart.  For that I am... thankful.
I am thankful for:

• God - I know we would not be able to withstand this journey without His guidance
•  my rewards from God, Anna whom I get to raise into a beautiful girl, and Mackenzie, who gets to watch over us from Heaven.
• my husband, Jeff's been so understanding of my craziness as I've dealt with are recent hardships
• our families
• our friends

Wordless Wednesday!! Mommy's sick and I'm keeping her busy!

And a Blast from the past...

1 year ago today.

2 years ago today.

Sunshine and Rainbows

Ok.  So I am spending WAY to much time figuring this out.  But here it goes.

Why did I name this blog "A Life of Sunshine and Rainbows..."?  Well, my life is just that... My Sunshine, Anna Beth, who joined our family April 2, 2009.  She lights my days.  She is so forgiving when mommy isn't so great.  She loves me tenderly, to no end.  She can give kisses that melt my heart...  You are my sunshine...

My Rainbow, Mackenzie Mary, who I lovinly carried for 38 weeks.  Mackenzie was born into the arms of God, May 21, 2011.  We will never know "why".  She was perfect and beautiful.  She is mine.  She will always be with me.  Anna loves rainbows.  She asked me on the one month anniversary of Mackenzie's birth, "Momma, where's Anna's rainbow?"  as she took me by the hand and drug me arround the yard looking for the beautiful rainbow we saw the previous evening.  What do you tell a two year old?  I struggled for a second... "Anna your rainbow is in Heaven with Jesus and Mackenzie.  When Mackenzie is done playing with it, Jesus will send it back for Anna to play with."  She accepted this answer, and later told her daddy where her rainbow was.  We talk about Anna's rainbow and her baby sister in Heaven with Jesus EVERYDAY.  You are my rainbow...

There is no way I can include one of my daughters in my life and not the other.  Mackenzie's birth to Heaven was what brought me to start this blog.  Deep down, it doesn't matter if anyone reads this... as long as I write it.  For her, and for her older sister. 

Who is your Pilot?

Have you ever asked yourself that question?  Our Minister shared this amazing message with at our Church yesterday.  God is NOT my co-pilot.  That would mean that I am in control and He is beside me.  I never though of it that way before.  Of course God is my PILOT.  He is in control.  He has a plan for me, and my life.  I just have to hang on tight for the ride!  and try to stay the course. 

I think we (my husband and I) are learning this lesson the hard way.  I thought that I could control it all... and then the "unthinkable" happened... at 38 weeks gestation, we lost our daughter.  Wow, did that slam my world into a tale spin.  I remember praying on the way to that emergency ultra sound... "Please God, let me be strong enough to handle what ever it is You put before me".  And He was the one who was with me through it all.  He guided, and continues to guide me, through this turmoil.  Some days I still can't believe that I carried our precious Mackenzie to term, and never got to see her first breath outside the womb.  Some days I still feel like I'm nose diving at 500km/hr towards the ocean.  Some days I my heart aches so bad, it's a physical pain.  Some days I only get up in the morning to see my sunshine... Anna.  (and of course my husband!)  If it wasn't for His (God) everlasting love, I'm not sure where I'd be. 

So I ask you... Who is your pilot???

A New "Outlet"

Well, I decided I needed a new "outlet".  Some where for me to write about how I feel.  Where I can share my life's joys and struggles.  "Why", do you ask?  Because I have a great friend who has inspired me to do so.  We've both experienced one of life's most challenging hardships.  She has taught me so much, and maybe through this new "outlet" I can have a positive influence on someone else...

What can you expect??  I'm not quite sure!  We'll just see how the days go!