Whipers to Heaven for Stella and Hope

Dear Mackenzie,
Mommy is tired today.  I have been thinking of you lots.  I have a lot on my mind but am not sure I can really compose my thoughts.  I am really heart broken for two families.  Mommy doesn't know these families in what I call "real life".  I only know them through some of my mommas who do know them for "real"!  I

Mackenzie, can you do mommy a favour?  Watch over the baby Hope and young Stella as they go through their battles.  Can you do that?  I know you're an angel and I pray that you can be with these two beautiful girls and hold their hands.  Help baby Hope be strong and fight hard as she and her family wait to find out about her surgery or the possible need for a heart transplant. 

Mackenzie, little Stella is... well... dieing...  Will you be there as she passes?  What will it be like for her?  I wish I knew what it was like for you to go from our world here on earth, to the world of our Father in heaven so I could share with Stella's family.  Will you get to meet her?  She will be the beautiful little red head with red curls!  Oh, she's so cute!  How do I know if you will get to see her in heaven?  I don't even know her, but she holds a special place in my heart so do you think that means she'll be your friend in heaven?  I sure hope so!  Cause I think she'd be a lot of fun! 

Do you choose your friends Mackenzie?  Cause I kind of get to help guide Anna right now when it comes to friends.  She's friends with the children of my friends, cause that's who we hang out with, and of course the other kids at her daycare.  But who guides you?  I guess your Father?  God, knows all...  I hope he guides you to Stella!

I love you sweet baby girl.  Oh did you see that we celebrated baby Ally's birthday?  Yah, I was a month late.  I missed her party cause I was doing a run for Cancer, but I made her cupcakes and got her some cute outfits and her very first baby doll.  It's funny how I agreed to do the run for Cancer without realizing I'd miss Ally's big day... in the end I think God was watching out for me.  I don't know if I would have handled the actual party well.  It's so hard sometimes to watch little Ally growing and doing all the things you'd be doing if you were here.  She is such a beautiful child.  I wonder if you girls would have looked alike at all?  After all you are cousins and you were fair colored compared to your sister.  You were blond like daddy... but not quite as bald as Ally :)  It's funny, sometimes getting to spend times like these with Ally are great cause I can experience some of those baby things I missed with you...  but they are also hard...

Good night baby girl, kisses and hugs! 
Love you forever,
Mommy

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If you are reading this post, please pray for the two little girls, Stella and Hope.  If you click on their individual names you can read more of their stories. 

REMINDER!!  I AM HOPING SOMEONE WANTS TO GUEST WRITE POST #100.  PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU'RE INTERESTED, OR I MAY JUST ASK YOU, THEN HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SAY "NO"???

Guest spot!!!

Well, I'm excited to say that I'm reaching a milestone with this blog!  100 posts!!!  So as a little something different I was wondering if YOU would like to write my 100th post!

That's right!  I'm giving you, my loyal readers, the opportunity to share something from your life on my blog.  Maybe you already have a blog of your own... we could share a little of you with my regular readers...  or maybe you have gone through similar experiences as myself.  If you`d like the chance to share your story but don`t want the whole blog thing, here`s your chance.  Maybe your`re a friend or family member who just wants to share with readers the impact Mackenzie has had on your life. 

Any takers??  I dare you to go out on a limb and try something new.  You can me anonymous, if that make you feel better.  

If you are interested, email me @ tyannerikssen@gmail.com  I can't wait to hear from you!

I'm back...

I'm back...  here, at guilt. 

Way back last October, I wrote about how I felt guilty.  That Mackenzie's death was some sort of punishment to me.  Well, I've had these thoughts go through my head, that I'm not pregnant because God is punishing me for something.  For what? you may ask...

Well, how about coveting what my friends and family have?  Every time I hear of someone who is expecting a new little one, it feels like a slow stab to the heart.  Yes, if you are pregnant, I'm am so so happy for you, really I am.  And at the same time I wonder, "Why not me?  What have I done?  What haven't I done?  What do I need to do?"  I want what all these other families have!!!

My mom told me some 15 months ago that I may have a hard time hearing others happy news of their little miracles growing in their tummies.  At that time, I received these announcements of new arrivals to be as hope!  Now, I understand what mom was talking about.  Why is mom always right??  It may take a while, but she's always right.  If you are pregnant, please don't avoid me, or avoid sharing with me.  I'm coping...

Maybe God is punishing me for not being a good enough person.  I know I am not perfect.  He knows that I have lots of room for improvement!  Sometimes I think maybe He doesn't think I can handle another child.  For those of you with young ones, you know how some of those trying days can be.

In my heart, I know God is not punishing me.  It's just really hard to see some days.  Clouds seem to cover over my heart quickly these days.  I'm tired.  I just want to stay home.  I have to push myself to get things done.  But once I get going, things seem to be better. 

Today I stayed in my PJ's until 11 a.m. or so... then Anna and I folded laundry outside, cleaned out our recycling box, had lunch outside, vacuumed out the Jeep and washed it.  Washing the Jeep when you don't have an abundance or consumable water to waste is a dirty process which consists of actual manual labour!! hahaha, there i was with a bucket and a big scrub mitt!  Then I splurged and wasted some water to hose the whole thing down to get rid of the dirt streaks.  Jeff has spent the weekend swathing for his dad.  We had our first supper in the field last night. 

Well once again, a bit all over the place.  Please keep me in your prayers, as I struggle with all these confusing feelings.  If you know of any good passages that I should read, please send them my way.

The Medical Side

 Ok, so I always struggle with how much is to much information. So here's the warning, if you don't want to know why I am not announcing that we're having another baby anytime soon, then don't read today's post.

Several months back, I'm sure I told you about my doctor suggesting I go back on the pill, for three months. Yes, you're right, those three months are over. During those three months I went back to Weight Watchers and finally got my lifetime by maintaining my goal weight for 6 weeks! yahoo. April, May and June were really nice. I knew I couldn't get pregnant because I was on the pill. I didn't have to worry that I wasn't conceiving cause something else might be wrong.

I was back on the pill because my cycle ceased to exist for a couple months, which was a really nasty head game for someone who would give up their everything to see that +. So I was hoping that my cycle would reset, courtesy of the pill. Well, imagine our elated state when my cycle didn't show at all in July!! 

And then imagine my extreme disappointment when I got "-" after "-".  And to top it all off I weened myself off my antidepressant medication (with Dr. approval) and the side affect, gain 10lbs!!!  yay!!  So, here I am, not pregnant, having gained ten pounds and depressed!!  The cherry on top, when I called the clinic I couldn't get in to see my Dr. for 6 weeks!!

Ruby, one of my mammas, convinced me to call the clinic back and ask to go on a cancellation list or something.  SO I did.  I asked to talk to my favourite gal there, Kerri (I doubt that's the way she spells it).  Kerri knows my story.  She is the only clerk there who as acknowledged that she knows what happened with Mackenzie.  She immediately understood why I wanted to get in sooner and got me in the next day!!!  Thank you!!

Going in, I was really unsure of what I should ask him to do.  Should I ask to see a specialist?  Fertility clinic?  (If you've very easily conceived in the past and go 6+ months trying to conceive again, it could be cause for concern).  How much intervention is to much?  How much do I just ignore the fact that my body doesn't feel right to me?  How much do I ignore the fact that my immune system has been incredibly poor since my second daughter's birth??  Do I just leave it all up to God?  Or is He trying to wake me up??

My doctor told me that I should give it six months!!  I almost lost it.  I reminded him that I had only been on the pill for 3 months and that my cycle had NEVER been affected when I came off the pill in the past.  Prior to these three months I hadn't been on the pill for two years!  I really don't feel like that's why my cycle disappeared! 

He suggested I go back on for another 3.  No way.  No more waiting it out.  Jeff is freaking out cause he turned 35 this July.  He wants to get going!!  I told the doctor I needed something, that going home and "not thinking about it", was not going to work.  He said something about checking my hormone levels.  I reminded him that we did that in March.  So he rechecked and sure enough both my estrogen and progesterone were really quite low.  So he gave in and sent a prescription for progesterone pills to the drugstore.  For all I know these pills are anti crazy lady meds!  I don't care!  If they trick my mind and body into getting back on track, I'm fine with that.  He wanted me to try these for 6 months, then looked at me when I said that'd take us into the new year, while holding back a sob.  So once again he gave in and I  rebooked an appointment for November, three months.  I know what happens if I have to go to that appointment in three months for yet another option.  I don't plan on needing another round of drugs, I feel good about this, and am being hopeful.

So my mood is brighter these last few days.  I am refocusing on loosing these dreaded 10lbs I gained.  I'm getting back into my running as I've been slacking off.  I am thinking of doing an 8km run in September.

Please pray that this step is the right one for me and Jeff.  That my body gets back to normal and that we can, once again, look forward to bringing a little one into this world.

Do not be afraid of sudden panic, or of the storm that strikes...

for the Lord will be your confidence

and will keep your foot from being caught.

Proverbs 3:25-26

To let go is to fear less and love more.

- Author unknown

are you still waiting?

Hi!  I know it's been a really long time.  I've been really busy as of late.  July is over.  But it was a great month. 

• Family vacation
• 5km race in Wainwright
• Anna had a week at the "other" grandma's
• I was really sick with the flu
• painted the house
• 5 km race in Edmonton (beat my previous time!!)
• spend Jeff's birthday weekend in Edmonton
• met up with a cousin I haven't seen in years,
• went swimming and spent a great day with a BFF and Anna's BFF
• spent the last Saturday of the month with my cousin and her beautiful daughter!!  what a hoot!!
• got to visit with my charming brother and my gorgeous little sister! 
• had to say goodbye to my nephew Scout (bunny) who is now in Heaven with Mackenzie
• got to see both my grandma's
• spent the last July days with my mom and Anna, going to the beach, and breaking all the rules (like eating ice cream and chips!!!!)
• had a really good treatment from my cousin Karen

July, you were a good month, now on to August and hopefully more blogging!!