Whispers to Heaven - My new Wednesday Submission

Often you see on blogs that Wednesday is for "Wordless Wednesday".  Those of you who know me in "real life", know that wordless is a joke when it comes to me.  So I have come up with something new.  Whispers to Heaven.  I really find myself wanting to talk to Mackenzie these days.  I have so many questions for her, so much to tell her, to share, to teach...  so here it goes.

Dear Mackenzie,

It is very hot this week!  I am not complaining, cause I've been in worse places in life.  I find myself thinking a lot right now about how I told people you went to heaven and their reactions.  I think Mommy is remembering this so much right now because I so wish and pray that I will get to give people happy news again someday.  I want to hear people's reaction to exciting news.  Not that you aren't exciting my girl.  Just we really wish we would have gotten to know you here on earth before you got to enjoy eternal glory with your Father.

Anyway, there mommy goes getting side tracked again...  I was remembering today, after I talked to my friend Brenda on the phone, a phone call I had with her the evening of May 21, 2011 - the day you were born.  I remember her answering the phone in her cheerful way...  I think I heard a little extra excitement that night.  Brenda was on my call list if I went into labor and needed help, she's a real good friend like that.  I wish you could meet her, or maybe you have?  Brenda was shocked when I told her that yes you had been born, however you didn't come home to be with our family.  "Oh Tyann..."  I will never forget the pain and heart ache I heard in her voice.  The shock...  it steal makes me feel a little sick.

I was telling you how hot it was here this week... well relieving that memory, sent a chill up my spine and goosebumps covered my arms...  quite the way to cool off on a 30 degree day...

Mommy didn't make many of those calls... my bestie Lesley, knew from the previous evening that I was feeling off about things, so we texted...  And our special Kimmie... well she knew I had a doctors appointment that day and had been texting me all day trying to find out what was going on.  It took me a long time to respond back to her.  Hours in fact.  Mackenzie, mommy didn`t know how to tell Kimmie that the baby I was going to have to make so many memories together with the baby she was going to have was gone.  Kimmie and mommy wanted to have our babies close together, seeing that they`d be cousins and all...  Now mommy watches Ally grow.  She is so beautiful Kenzie!!  Such a sweet baby girl.  So quiet and happy.  She has this sparkle in her eye that shines so bright.  I like to believe it`s a twinkle for you.

Kimmie and I have talked many times about that fateful May long weekend.  We`ve cried.  I`ve felt her pain, as she`s told me about her reaction...  I think it hurt me so much more to have to tell my close friends because I knew they were going to hurt for me.  I knew they were going to grieve you almost as much as mommy is.

Mackenzie, I don`t cry for you everyday anymore... well not with these big tears I have rolling down my cheeks, everyday...  but baby, I do in my heart.  Every day mommy`s heart cries for you.  Every day I feel like I`m missing a piece of my soul.  Every day I wonder why Anna seems to know so much more about you then I do.  She seems so so close to you.  She told me tonight that you are with her.  I asked her if you played with her and she told me ``Mackenzie doesn`t hold toys... she sits in my piggie chair.``  I asked her if you like to watch her, and she told me yes.  I asked if you are her angel, and she said yes, that you had told her that. 

That Mackenzie for being Anna`s angel.  Thank you for protecting her and watching over her, for being apart of her.  Mommy wonders if there is a way you can do the same for me?  I know in my heart that you must be with me.  Is there a sign though?  I would love to see you the way Anna does.  Maybe I'm to "old" for that though?  Maybe mommy's just being selfish?

Ok, Mommy will let you get back to what ever it is you love to do up there in heaven.  One more question...  did you like the rose I left you last night?  That's your rose from the rose bush our Lesley gave us.

Good night baby girl, Mommy loves you!

XOXO

Questions for an Angel

Dear Mackenzie,

Mommy really is tired tonight and I should be going to sleep... but I have some questions for you. 

We just went on our 2nd Annual Family Vacation.  We do this as out get a way.  Last year we went because we didn't want to spend the long weekend in town talking to people and feeling that awkwardness...  I just couldn't handle being around that many people who knew, but weren't going to say anything...

Kenzie, were you with us??  I was watching for you in the skies all weekend.  I though for sure I'd see your rainbow since it rained off and on all day on Saturday.  I feel like you're so far away some days.  Like a life time has passed since I last held you.  Some days I feel like my heart is all ached out and I can't hurt anymore...  Some days I feel like I'm "all good" with everything that has happened.

Then there are days that I feel like it was just yesterday that I went to that 38 week appointment.  I was just at the clinic last week.  It always makes me feel so awkward.  I often wish that our clinic hadn't been moved to the new building, cause i could have left that memory in the old clinic.  I don't want to lay on that table in Dr P's exam room ever again while he listens for a heart beat...  Mackenzie, I think that alone makes me want to switch which Dr I see at the clinic in case of any future pregnancies.

The days that I feel like it was just yesterday that I held you, I can't help but see you face every time i close my eyes.  I can't help to wonder what your little dress looks like today...  are you wearing that dress in heaven???  That was the only dress you'll ever have worn.

Mackenzie, sometimes I feel like a bad mommy to your big sister.  I know I spoil her way to much and don't discipline her near enough.  I can't stand to see her cry.  I can't stand to hurt her feelings.  Her tears remind me of my tears and the hurt.  Those tears remind me of how vulnerable I felt some 13 months ago.  And how I still feel far to often. 

Mackenzie, has God let you in on any of the plan He has for our family??  Do you know if He is going to bless us with a little brother or sister for you and Anna?  Has He told you we won't have to wait much longer??  Has He told you we've still got time to put in??

Mackenzie, who do you know in heaven???  Who do you spend your days with?  Does great grandma Mary Lukan make you cinnamon twists and her special cookies with the sprinkles?  Does she have tea parties with you - she made the best tea.  Do you know Jacob and Thomas???  I know their mommies on the internet, so have you met them??  What about Brennan?  Kyle??  and Dustin?  and the many others lost to soon...  Have you had any of Grandma Mary Stefanic's awesome Ukrainian cooking??  How old are you in heaven??  maybe you don't age there and are still that tiny little beauty?

Mackenzie, mommy has so many questions.  I can't lie, most of them run through my head daily.  Can you answer any of them???  Can you tell me the answers... send a whisper on a breeze?

Mackenzie, mommy loves you today, tomorrow as much as the yesterday that I found out you existed in my womb.  I pray to have the knowledge to be a good mommy to an angel.  I hope I'm doing an OK job. 

Love for ever and ever,
Mommy