Our Angel, Mackenzie

Born Into the Arms of God...

Mackenzie Mary, was born on Friday, May 21st, 2011.  She was born into the arms of God.  Mackenzie spent 38 weeks and two days only knowing the love of her mother's womb.  Could I have told you, during my pregnancy, that there was something "different"?  No, but looking back, yes.

We were so excited when we learnt we were expecting our 2nd child.  We found out, October 1st, 2010, the day before my brother's wedding.  We of course weren't going to tell anyone right yet... ok, my BFF's knew as did my BCC moms.  Finally at 18 weeks, right before Christmas we told our families.  I was still very tense about telling everyone.  I can remember getting upset with Jeff when he told his sister...  why??  I just felt funny about it.

36 weeks

I had a relatively smooth pregnancy.  I was off work early, at 24 weeks because of some bad vericous veins, but had gained less weight then I did with Anna, and I was feeling very fit and healthy.

I went to my 38 week appointment, on Friday the 20th of May.  We did not find a heart beat.  I was sent to Edmonton (2 hrs away) for an U/S.  My friend took me up, as I couldn't get ahold of Jeff at work.  I remember praying on the way up for God to give me the strength to deal with what He was putting before me. The ultrasound was brutal.  The lady came in and poked and prodded at me for over 10 minutes and never said a word.  She left and brought in the radiologist who did the same thing and left.  My doctor called me, and asked what was going on, I still knew "nothing".  He called the radiologist, who finally came back in to talk to me.  By now they finally let my friend come and sit with me. The radiologist told me, "I don't know how to tell you this, and I wish I didn't have to..."  the ultrasound showed that there was no heart beat and babe was only at a 34/35 week growth.  They started asking me all sorts of questions.  No, I had no idea when movement stopped, I thought I felt baby on the way there...  turns out it was contractions.  Did I want to go home?  Do I want to wait to be induced...?  and many other questions.  I decided to wait for my husband.  Jeff met us 1/2 hr later.  We decided to go to the Grey Nuns, that was right around the block, to be induced.

My mom arrived from Saskatchewan around 9pm.  My friend left to be with Anna and her own daughter, at her mom's house nearby.  Mackenzie Mary was born at 6:30 am, Saturday, May 21, 2011.  She weighed 5 lbs 8 ozs and was 18".  Her maternal Grandmother and her Daddy were present. 

My dad arrived, to meet his 4th grandchild, that morning from work in northern Alberta, with my sister and her children.  Jeff's parents came to meet their 6th grand child later that morning.

We will never know "why".  My husband and I have a very strong faith and know that God had a better plan for Mackenzie.  We know that she is in Heaven and that she is happier then we could ever imagine.  There will be hard days. 

I did get to spend some really special time with Mackenzie at the funeral home.  I had spent time at the hospital, but it was on Sunday night as I rocked Anna after she asked me "rocka momma" that I realized that I hadn't rocked Mackenzie.  So Monday morning I went in to see Mackenzie at the funeral home, I took my rocking chair with me, I rocked her, read to her "I Love you Forever", sang her the three songs I sing to Anna when I rock, and prayed with her.  I felt a HUGE weight lifted off of me. 

Well, little Mackenzie Mary was laid to rest on Wednesday, May 25, 2011.  She was clothed in a beautiful off-white satin and lace gown, with embroidered flowers on it, a matching hat, pink shoes and white socks.  We all sent a specail item in her casket.  I sent the cross stitch I made her.  It was to be her baby blanket...  Daddy sent a watch set to her birth date and time.  Anna sent the "New Baby Book".  We sent a family photo.  Grandparents sent photos, a baptismal cross, and a necklace. 

We had a viewing for just ourselves, Anna and our parents the day before.  It was very hard on my husband.  But it was good to see him show his emotions.  The three of us went in first to see Mackenzie, with my mom just coming in to get a couple of photos for me.  We spent some time, prayed, and Anna got to see her sister again.  She just said "oh baby".  It was a precious moment.  Then the grandparents each took their turns.  Our pastors were also there,  we all gathered together and they prayed for us and Mackenzie.  It was peaceful, as we prayed, Anna danced around... 

Mackenzie's service was beautiful.  Just us, Anna and our parents and my good friend, the same one who took me up to Edmonton.  She was there to take pictures for me. 

The pastors prepared a touching service.  When Anna was baptized they did a "naming ceremony" where they talked about what her name meant.  They did this also for Mackenzie. 
Her names mean:  

Mackenzie - daughter of a wise ruler, beloved one, 

Mary - spiritual awareness, blessed one.  They also lit a baptismal candle for her, and gave it to us.  I kept it lit for a while and then let Anna blow it out. 

During the service Jeff's dad played his guitar and we sang "Away in a Manger" which if you really pay attention to the words was very fitting.  It is a tradition in my mom's family to also sing "Jesus Loves Me" at a funeral.  His dad played again for this song as we sang.  Well let me tell you that singing that song was VERY HARD!!!  By the end we were all crying and barely singing!  But it was a real moment of spiritual awareness because yes, even through these times of trouble, Jesus does love me...

After the service was over, we all gathered around Mackenzie's tiny casket (it was closed for the service) and took some pictures.  My husband was really struggling with why I needed so many pictures taken, but these are the only times we'll have, and I needed them documented.  (whew the tears are coming).

Mackenzie's Grandpa's then carried her from the small church.  The same church her paternal grandparents and parents were married in.  Outside Jeff and my dad carried her half way to the cemetery, then Jeff and his father the rest of the way.  Anna led the whole procession.  It was really touching.  Jeff and his dad placed Mackenzie at her final resting place. 

Now I have to pause for a moment and tell you about this.  No one ever thinks, at our age (just turned 28 at the time and not quite 34), about their final resting place.  But in the hospital, Jeff's parents said that maybe we should all purchase our plots at our church's cemetery.  We agreed, BUT we did not want Mackenzie laid to rest for the next, who knows how long, by herself.  This just broke our hearts.  Jeff's dad said all right, that Jeff's grandpa had purchased 5 plots years ago.  His grandfather has been passed away for about 15 years now.  Grandma is still alive.  Jeff's dad talked to his Grandma for us.  It was VERY important to both of us that Mackenzie be burried along side her great grandfather, as then she would not be "alone" in the cemetery.  It always breaks my heart to see the markers of young ones off all alone.  So, Jeff's grandmother gave us the extra plots.  Mackenzie has been laid right along side where Grandma will some day be, right beside Grandpa.  This was a beautiful gift to us.  Knowing, that someday, we will be laid to rest beside our beautiful daughter.

Ok, so on...  Jeff broke down as he laid Mackenzie down, and so did I.  The pastors said some words, and there it was... over?!  We of course took some more photos.  We will never forget our baby girl, she will live on in all of our hearts forever!  We loved her for 38 weeks and 2 days in my womb and will continue to love her for eternity.