Guilt

This first part is a little THANKYOU for my mom.  Then we'll get to the subject at hand.  Mom, thanks for spending the day with Anna so I could have some "shut down" time.  I really needed that recharge.  Thankyou for being such a great listener, friend, grandma, and most of all YOU, my mom.  You were a huge help this weekend and we all appreciated you.

Now, the subject of guilt.  I told Jeff, not long after having Mackenzie, that I would have felt extremely guilty if we would have had a son.  Not that a daughter was any less then a son, but because I really would have blamed myself for "loosing" his son.  In my eyes, every man wants a son.  Truth betold - I felt guilty all the time.  I felt, I lost our little girl, my body didn't carry her to a healthy birth...

I said I "felt" guilty.  And I did, for 4 months, 3 weeks, 4 days and about 16 hours, feel guilty.  I thought I was being punished for my sin, I would look back and think of all the sin in my life and figured God was perhaps punishing me.

Well, last night I was doing my daily devotional (a book my mom lent to me January 1, that I haven't followed all year, but I've got back into).  Anyway, yesterdays devotion was John 9:1-11 (hit that link so you can read it yourself).  The part that really hit me was verse 3... "“It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him." 

I wish I could copy and paste the study guide notes from my Bible onto this page, because these notes made me realize that Mackenzie's death wasn't my fault.  I know, you've all told me that, but in my shoes, where I stand, I can't help but faulter down that path.  Now I get it.  I encourage you, especially if you have a "Life Application Study Bible" to go to John, and read that whole story.  Then read the study notes.  It may just wash a new understanding over you, like it did for me.

In the notes it talks about how the blind man was not punished by God for some great sin.  Christ used this man's suffering to teach faith and to glorify God.  Just so you know, incase you don't go read it for yourself, Christ healed the man of his blindness...  The notes go on to say that good is not always rewarded, bad not always punished.  It that case, we would only follow God for our convenience;  sometimes innocent people do suffer, therefore they, the people, will follow the Lord out of love and devotion not our of comfort and convenience.  It also stated, that even when we suffer, Jesus has the power to help us deal.  When you suffer from disesase, tragedy or loss, don't ask "why me?" or "what did I do wrong?"  Ask God to give you the strength to go on, and to see the perspective.

That was HUGE for me to read these verses and study notes...  I remember the ride up to the city for that fateful ultrasound, praying "God, be with me, help me handle whatever it is that may be."  I prayed this over and over... on the way up, as I dropped Anna off with a stranger, as I walked into that clinic, as I lay on that cold table, in that so silent room, as that strange lady poked at my swollen belly.  I prayed when the doctor came in and repeated the process, as I waited those ten long minutes to hear, "I'm sorry... we have to tell you... there is no heart beat...no signs of life." 

God was with me.  WITH ME!  He noded my head when I felt paralized, he opened my mouth, and spoke the words, "I understand...", when I was mute,  He held my hand as I waited, with a dear friend, for my loving husband to arrive.  God gave me the grace to tell my husband, that our beloved child was gone, that no one knew why...  God was with me.  He did answer my prayers.  I don't know why I didn't pray "please let this child live".  Was it cause I knew?  Was it cause it was a selfish prayer?  Was it because I may have been very angry with Him that He didn't answer that selfish prayer? 

So today I woke up, with yet another weight lifted from my heart.  I actually know now, for certain, that Mackenzie's being born into the arms of God, was not my fault.  I honestly could not say that without a feeling of doubt until today.  Even though the doctors told me it wasn't, even though my husband told me, my family, my ministers, my friends... I needed to hear it (ok I read it) from God himself. 

                                Tyann, it wasn't your fault.

Thank you mom, for lending me this book.  I am not sure how you knew 10 months ago that I was the one who needed it this year, but I did.  I can remember you contemplating lending it to someone else, and my pleading that I would really like to give it a whirl.  I'm not done with it.   I missed sections.  I still need it. 

A friend asked last week, if anyone knew of a good Women's Devotional, well here it is:

Try it, it could just change your life.