Sorry, I can't have wordless Wednesday, how about "Wordful Wednesday" today?
Today, a dear friend summed up my feelings about Monday's blog post. About how I was feeling guilty, feeling like I am not giving Anna enough "head space". She reminded me, that if Mackenzie was here, she would be getting a lot of my time, and that Anna would have to share my time. If Mackenzie was here, she would naturally need a lot of one on one with mommy. This sweet friend assured me that it is o.k. if Mackenzie is taking a lot of my time right now, because even though she is in Heaven with Jesus, she needs my time right now, I need her time, it's part of the process. She shared how her own daughter is challenged with her little ones, including a new born, and how her daughter had the same feelings, that she wasn't giving the older children enough time. I am the mother of two children, it is o.k. that they share my time. Thank you for helping me understand my feelings. You are a wonderful woman, you know who you are.
Yesterday, another friend shared a story of grief with me. A different type of grief, but still painfull, full of raw emotion and struggle. Thank you for sharing that the pain doesn't have to go away, it's not supposed to, and you are allowed to have those moments of desparation, even after years. I'm human, I'm going to be o.k.
These woman have reassured me that this blog is helping me. I've opened this pain up, shared it, and your responses have helped me so much. Thankyou.
I guess this should have been "Thankful Thursday", but it couldn't wait.
Tyann, I read this post the other day, and I've been thinking about it on and off since. I don't always know what to say....or post. But I got to thinking this morning (and if I'm way off base just tell me to buzz off). That perhaps a way to make space for both girls is to set aside set times for thinking about Mackinzie. Perhaps when Anna goes for a nap, grab a tea, and a baby blanket and go sit in a comfy chair and spend time with Mackenzie. Perhaps set an alarm for 5-10 mins before Anna wakes up so you can get your self composed, and switch gears to 'Anna time' perhaps make you both a snack, or set out some activities to do with her. Coloring, blocks, that kind of thing. That way you won't feel guilty for your time with Mackenzie, and Anna will feel special with just you and her time.
ReplyDeleteI think if you have a designated time to think and grieve, it'll make you feel less guilty about trying not to think about Mackenzie during the day or when your busy, 'cause you can say to yourself, 'I'll think about all that during my Mackenzie time'.
This sounds like a good compromise to me, but of course I'm not the one dealing with these issues. Just know that we're still thinking of you and sending our love.
Rachelle